random thoughts on an hallows eve eve.
sometimes i go for walks. i leave my house, walk out of my crescent and go do things all by myself. sometimes i go to the local convenience store and buy cigarettes to smoke while i walk. sometimes i stop at the local dive-bomb of a bar and knock back a couple double jacks to make my walk less of a walk and more of a stumble. sometimes i forget where im even going and have to stop to remind myself of where i am. sometimes i think, sometimes i dont. most times i dont even have a set destination, i just walk. today i went for a walk. life was getting me down, fucking people. i didnt want to be in my house, fucking people. i was having a bad day, fucking people. i grabbed my coat and made sure i had my wallet, put on my shoes-christ i need new shoes, and walked out the door. as i left my crescent my dad turned in, he slowed down to say "hi" or something, i pretended like i didnt see him and just kept going. i crossed the street and started to walk across the soccer field by my house. since i was six every thursday and sunday i would play in that field, against all the other little farm towns, against all the other kids, against myself. i was defence, i was fast, i was good, i was. coming up to the old folks home at the end of the field it got me thinking. who in their right mind would want to live in an old folks home? who wants to be old? waking up everyday with a set schedule. monday is poridge for breakfast, hell tuesday probably is too, wednesday is cross stitching, friday is movie night-there are only 3 movies to choose from, sunday is macaroni salad. these homes are just hospitals with bigger tv sets, more nurses and less doctors and no one is there to prolong their life in anyway, theyre just waiting. prisons with board games and werthers sweet candy. i decided i would never let my kids lock me away in a 10 by 10 jail cell with an iv drip and a night table to put up pictures of my grandkids, a survey course on what its going to be like to be in a coffin someday. next came the police station. what a joke, we have a total of 3 police officers on duty at a time, babysitters for the misguided youth. kids who dont have a mall to hang out in, or a movie theatre to sneak into, so they buy weed behind the old shell station and find construction sites to blaze in. what a joke, you spend four years in the academy, gun training, riot control, defence martial arts, high speed driving classes, and you end up stationed in the asshole of alberta cleaning up the messes that started with a bunch of workaholic divorce court bound shitty ass parents. i walked into the macs- no double jacks tonight i wasnt thirsty. lighting a smoke i decided to head west. i came to my old elementary school, i dont even remember what i learned there. i remember i had a nice teacher, i remember our principle was at least 70 and would have been more useful if she was in the home back down the street, at least she could have slept in a nice warm bed instead of an old leather armchair. its funny, i cant remember a damn thing i learned at that place so i came back 5 years later and threw rocks into every window that place had. 4500$ and 200 hours of community service later i learned alot. i learned that windows are expensive, i learned that when you work community service you get to work with people who probably did community service when they were kids, and most importantly i learned that if youre going to break the law you better do it for a more lucrative reason and you better get away with it. i blame my mother. lighting a cigarette i was walking downhill now, literally and symbolically. i was now in a back alley, at the end there was an old asian import car with rusted fenders and those stupid euro lights parked outside of a house. someone came out of the house and handed him something and received something in return. why do people do drugs? fucking cocaine, people have too much money. and even the ones who dont are still stupid enough to waste it on some stupid little powder or pill that came from some dickheads basement. do people even think anymore? do they even ask questions? no they shove shit up their nose and wait for their therapist to ask them the questions four years later during their twelve step program to getting clean. and even then they'll still probably drop out at step three and go back to that snowstorm that they love to hate so much. jesus people are lazy, if they arent addicted to something they have nothing to live for. write a book, fuck at least read one, you know what maybe im asking to much, how bout a fucking wikipedia article on how cocaine leads to hopeless addiction and eventual brain damage, heart failure and death. but its not like theyd listen anyways, every five seconds theres a new drug add, its not like the schools drive the concept of the dangers of drugs into our heads like a steak in our hearts everyday. no people cant learn from watching others fuck themselves up, they gotta go out and do it all on their own, as if they were the first person ever to do drugs and they didn’t know what they were getting themselves into. lifes a gift not a used car lot, you dont get to try out all the big trucks, crash them into snowdrifts and then come back and ask if you can take the blue one out next. last came the church, nemesis. besides drugs the church is the one thing that i cannot bring myself to ever agree with. people devote their time and money to such an outdated state of mind. such a waste of time. in fact religion and narcotics in some ways go hand in hand. you get lost in them, you lose sight of whats real and whats not, you get caught up in a movement and before you know it youre committed to something that in the big picture really does not make sense in the first place. i do not apologize, science has basically proven religion wrong a long time ago. you wanna have faith in something? have faith in yourself. you wanna live for something? live for yourself. salvation and fulfilment doesnt come from a white bearded man up in the sky and in certainly doesnt come from a white beared man upstairs cooking chemicals either. sitting in the playground near the church i lit another cigarette. then i threw it in the sand and realized i was being a hypocrite. i opened my pack and snapped each individual smoke in half. getting up to leave i almost stepped on a little felt doll. you know those tiny dolls cut out of felt that you stick other pieces of felt to. yeah, its basically a barbie for poor kids. he had a black bowl cut, blue jeans and a little purple shirt with a green crucifix stuck to it. i reached into my pocket and took out my lighter. starting at his feet i lit him up like a human sacrifice. he bubbled and melted, little pieces of him globbed and dripped down sending little rain drops of fire into the dirt. i waited until the flames got so close to my fingers that i couldnt bare to hold him anymore. stomping out what was left of the flaming little mess i turned myself around and headed back home. maybe i just needed to light a little innocent felt boy on fire. i felt better.