Total Failure of the Human Spirit
After 4 days of heat, there is finally rain. Along with the rain comes thunder and a lost dog. Knowing that I can't lose a dog that isn't really mine I frantically run outside in the pouring rain with the words of the dog's owner running through my mind, "I will just die if anything happens to my dog." I finally find him, Rascal, hiding behind a bush shaking. My heart beat returns to normal and I go inside to make tater tots and study definitions of words. Gauche, benediction and turgid run through my brain. I know them all by heart but I still feel slightly nervous. My GRE test is tomorrow and I know the words, the room it will be taken in and the process of the test. What I don't know is how to believe in myself. Does anyone else have this problem? It seems like everyone has it together but me. I always doubt myself when I shouldn't. I shouldn't compare my accomplishments with others because I am me. The things that make me feel better are knowing I am going to Turkey and then Palestine. Knowing that my heart beats in sync with something so much larger than myself. Every time I doubt myself I think of how far I have come, and I remember Ralph Nader talking about how he wakes up every morning knowing that if he didn't do what he does it wouldn't get done. I like to think the same. Also, remembering the words that Josef told me before I left about how he looks up to. He looks up to me? Also, the Robert Fisk quote, also told to me by Josef, where when asked what gives him hope (about the Middle East) he says,"Nothing. I’m sorry. Nothing. I’m sorry. Nothing at the moment. Ordinary people, I guess. Ordinary people who speak out. People in the Arab world as well. But in terms of governments, nothing much. I may be wrong. I may be too much of a pessimist because I've seen too much."
I still have hope. I will still speak out. Maybe I haven't seen enough yet but I have a feeling that is changing as we speak.