A small grasp at life
First of March came and I were able to get all the money needed to pay my taxes which was a great relief. I didn't have the time to really notice it since later in the month, caught as I was about my crazy routine.
Work is simply crazy. Beginning of the month is the rotation of the expired consumables. February and March always were the busiest time of the year for the Medevacs. And my boss had drop two huge projects on my desk. And this Monday, as he came back from vacation, he told me that he forgot about the opening of the new base before April, meaning that I had to make sure I have all the equipments and the supplies bought and shipped there before April (Bye, bye 30 days notice I told him I needed).
So this week was pretty frantic but the good news is that I pulled it off and he will be ready to open his base in time (which gives me some leverage for my raise negotiation in a few months :-> ).
Now about the bit of time I had left for a life. I made arrangement to go pick-up my sister in St-Donat Sunday March the 11th. The previous Thursday, as I was transferring my car from one side to the other side of the street I noticed that I had a flat. So Friday Morning I tried to remove my tire just to find out that three of my nuts were jammed (Hooray for aluminium mags! :P). I left the car like that and went to work.
I got a phone call that night from Sir Paul asking me if I could attend the anniversary of the Club that our club is affiliated with. So right after work, I work on my tire again and I was successful retrieving two of the three nuts (breaking two ratchet sockets in the process). And IT was time to go at the anniversary.
Woke up in the morning at the dungeon (buses didn't run anymore by the time the party ended) and came back home just in time to greet my father. After running everywhere to find a nut retriever, I came back and used it on my rebellious nut to no avail. I ended up drilling my way through the length of the bolt. Took out my tire and my breaks, bought a used tire, five new nuts and a new bolt, came back and fixed everything. By the time all that was done, it was time for me to go at the bar again to attend my duty.
I left for St-Donat at 4AM (thanks to the change of time :P) where I took a 4hour naps. That day I filled the income taxes of my mom, I fixed the laundry machine, unclogged the kitchen sink, fix the stove.
That was all the personal time I had until this weekend since I worked very late every day this week.
Where did I get a grasp of life again in all that? Well while waiting for my batteries to recharge (Even if I have two and they take only 1 hour to charge, I was still emptying them faster than they could charge) I played Cribbage with my father. That is something I hadn't done in many years. It gave us the opportunity to relate on another level.
Going out before leaving from St-Donat, I lifted my eyes to the sky and was blown away by the view. No moon at all (and there is not light at all their) and the cold air gave me a view of the stars that was breathtaking. That is another thing I haven’t done enough in the past few months.
Coming back from work a particularly cold night, I gave my last four donuts (even if they were my dessert for the rest of the week) to the employees that were fixing a water conduct. It is really nice to see the reaction of people facing a free gift from a stranger.
And last but not least, I had the visit of a very special friend Saturday evening.
I also received some very good news this week. First my plane tickets are bought for my trip to Denver in June. Second, I have been assured that I will be able to include my mate on my insurance from work without the two years delay or the marriage. I will be allowed to include him the moment he has the status of Canadian permanent resident and that he lives under my roof :)
To end my week, I think that I finally succeeded to get the final version of my poem.
Howl to Jacob
Twenty times at the full moon
My soul, I howled to commune,
But once more your memories
Haunt me to no boundaries.
Almost twice around the sun
As I sought you with caution.
Yet at the sound of your name,
So piteous I remain.
Too often I’ve walked beside
Death, despair and suicide.
Never so viscerally
Had they distressed me.
Run, run, run away.
Free, free my dismay.
In that cold night as I fray.
In that forest, go astray.
With your Darwinian thoughts,
Deeply you touched my roots.
I was left in the expectation,
Hoping to find a new relation.
So elated I became
When a reply in your name,
Was waiting there for me
In a promise to be.
Dream, dream, dream of light.
Bliss, bliss be my knight.
Under starlight by birthright,
Early promise of delight.
There indeed for what lingered,
Never I could have prepared;
In your friend’s sorrow voice,
Explanations of your problem,
Dreadful report of the outcome,
Of your life-changing choice.
Flee, flee, flee faster.
Comes, comes the hunter.
Fear and sadness I can see,
Swiftly crawling behind me.
Numbness took a strong hold of me,
As time suddenly stopped and flew.
Finding myself shockingly,
Stiff in dark as a statue.
Laying on the bed.
Huddled up, unfed.
Shaking.
Aching.
Standing right up at the boundary,
Staring deep into insanity.
Hurt, hurt, hurt too much.
Lay, lay, lay I must.
For survival in that dust,
My sanity I must clutch.
Never was I so close,
To let go, to dispose,
To forget the fight, the pain,
Surrender to agony,
Never to wake up again,
Not killing myself really,
Just not living anymore...
Never, never, ever more.
Sleep, sleep, sleep again.
Come cold, my dear fiend.
To you I submit my pain.
Numb my body, numb my brain.
What is left from not knowing you
Is perpet'l questions anew.
Which to the end of eternity,
My soul will torment relentlessly.
Just like the cries of a baby,
Distress the ears of his mommy.
Cry, cry, cry my heart.
Weep, weep, break apart.
To the full moon howl with me,
Sorrow moans in unity.
Was I too late, was I the one,
Chosen to ease your affliction?
Is it simply vain for me to think so?
Are you the lost brother I’ll never know?
Could I have touched your existence,
As much as you’ve changed my essence?
How many stories won’t I laugh with you?
How many crises won’t we thrive right through?
Lost, lost, lost again.
‘Round, ‘round, ‘round in vain.
In that circle stuck I am.
Feeling helpless as a lamb.
Would I have been strong enough
To help you when time was rough?
Should I simply feel gracious,
Not having known you better?
Would my pain have been too serious
For my sanity to conquer?
Would our friendship have bore
The weight of happiness?
Is my agony, the only core
Of this unexplainable sweetness?
Hunt, hunt, hunt for truth.
Leave, leave my own ruth.
All the answers I must find,
To win back my peace of mind.
I feel betrayed
By you, by life,
Mostly by I
As I regress
In this forceful strife,
Cursing your decision,
Angry to be so afraid,
Shattering at life my outcry,
Yielding to the temptation,
To finally ease my distress.
Eat, eat, eat my pride.
Drop, drop dread aside.
Hopefully free, free at last.
I have found, found back my caste.
No matter the questions,
Regardless solutions,
Despite the culpability,
And in spite of the agony,
Only one substantial thing remains
In me, to overshadow these pains.
And that is the love,
I’ll always feel for you,
From here to far above,
Old as much as new.
My precious unusual friend,
Dear Jacob.
-Kildoo Lonewolf
When in the chronicle of wasted time
I see descriptions of the fairest wights,
And beauty making beautiful old rime,
In praise of ladies dead and lovely knights.
. Sonnet 106 -William Shakespeare 1564-1616