another late night thought.
One thing I realize about myself...is how scared shitless I am of 'the ending'. As all journey's begin, so too must they end. It is the hardest to, perhaps, leave that journey behind. One thing, and it took me a year to realize it, was that my greatest adventure in Wales wouldn't be exploring the emotional vulnerablility of desire, or traveling without the protective and close range gaze of my parents, or even mustering the courage to finally be myself and recognize that dreams can change and will change- that there is a difference between stubbornness and persiverence. No, my greatest adventure there was learning that all journies must come to an end and most importantly- that it was okay so let go.
Recently I have gone back and reread my blogs about my time there, and in truth it still doesn't seem all that long ago. But newer memories are begining to cloud the details, and much like rain clouds cover a land scape my mind can no longer shine on every blade of grass I sat next to on the days I found time to randomly sit outside. I had spent the past year tangling my fingers deep into those memories and refusing to let go. Every ounce of me pleaded with some unknown force for whatever it was I missed to return, to never leave. But I was wrong, for it had never left and instead it had become poison. I am still reeling from the effects of that poison, and I am still copeing with the idea that one of my most prominant life journies was over. The problem is, and I'll quote a rather popular film/ book here..."How do you pick up the threads of an old life?....Slowly you start to realize, there is no going back." I was changed over there, and I was changed for keeps. Better or Worse, I still dont know. But some part of me longs to relive those memories,...But Iguess thats were waiting for heaven comes in. I'll relive them there, but for now it's time to create my own new journies. I guess I've finally found my goal...to top the last journey until my ultimate one hits.
The end scares me more than I can say...it's my greatest fear. Like all Journies, I hate to begin them because I hate to end them.....But as Dumbledore said- "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"
I guess that concludes random rambles. Time for bed...i do have school in the morning.
Recently I have gone back and reread my blogs about my time there, and in truth it still doesn't seem all that long ago. But newer memories are begining to cloud the details, and much like rain clouds cover a land scape my mind can no longer shine on every blade of grass I sat next to on the days I found time to randomly sit outside. I had spent the past year tangling my fingers deep into those memories and refusing to let go. Every ounce of me pleaded with some unknown force for whatever it was I missed to return, to never leave. But I was wrong, for it had never left and instead it had become poison. I am still reeling from the effects of that poison, and I am still copeing with the idea that one of my most prominant life journies was over. The problem is, and I'll quote a rather popular film/ book here..."How do you pick up the threads of an old life?....Slowly you start to realize, there is no going back." I was changed over there, and I was changed for keeps. Better or Worse, I still dont know. But some part of me longs to relive those memories,...But Iguess thats were waiting for heaven comes in. I'll relive them there, but for now it's time to create my own new journies. I guess I've finally found my goal...to top the last journey until my ultimate one hits.
The end scares me more than I can say...it's my greatest fear. Like all Journies, I hate to begin them because I hate to end them.....But as Dumbledore said- "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"
I guess that concludes random rambles. Time for bed...i do have school in the morning.