WALES the adventure. A P.S. note.
P.S. from the sunshine state. (actually, I hear that is florida, but whatever…California is better anyway. Less gators)
It’s 3:43 in the morning and I think it’s finally about time I sit down and write this thing out. Watching ‘P.s. I love you’ was not only a sign but a big inspiration to finally do what I need to. I’ve been acting the past couple months as if some part of me has died. As if someone close to me, died and I not only ran away but completely left the country. A part of me that I loved with all my heart. See, there is this thing about the United Kingdom that continuously draws me back there. I can’t quite describe it, but I like to think it’s simply magic. Maybe, this is what magic is. Well in that case, the sorcerer responsible for making me in love with a country can continue to hex me all they wish. I’ll never grow tired of the visions of brilliant green landscape and ancient ruins poking up on the cliffs plaguing the inside of my eyelids. I doubt anyone will read this. As time goes on, I realize I am a bit slower than most at letting go. It’s so hard to watch the excitement that had once filled my eyes, fill the eyes of the people around me. What will happen to them, I wonder? What will they experience? I guess I should probably warn any possible trinity readers, that a good amount of people plan to travel to your school next year. I can only hope they will have all that I experienced, and that you guys will show them how to really down their alcohol and party like a real rock star. I trust you all wholly with that task. Show them what going to college is really like, none of this commuter school crap. Most of all, I trust you all to show them the magic that your country and style of theater holds, if only in the kindness you show them and the excitement you instill in them. I know you all will do great. Yes, I’m jealous. I have said many times I would do anything to go back. But I guess this entire episode made me realize something really important about myself. I hate ending the chapter. But my chapter abroad ended in may, and I am still working my absolute hardest to move on. That, of course is my own challenge, and one I must unfortunately face alone. I don’t know how long it will take or how much it will affect me, but I feel a little more ready. Perhaps one day I will be able to smile out of honest excitement then pure green envy. They all look so happy and excited to go. But is it so wrong to want to keep it mine? I guess in a way that is wrong, because the experience will always be mine. Apparently I like silly questions.
Anyway, this message isn’t supposed to be a long one. Just a short update on me, and of course I love to hear from you all. Upon returning home to California, I cried so hard into my mother’s shoulder I never thought I’d stop. So many emotions, and I had sworn on the plane that I would keep a straight happy face. But god did I miss her. I missed all my family. She took me to my favorite place to eat, California Pizza Kitchen, and I was treated to my favorite Chipotle Chicken Pizza without the chicken. It was a time I will never forget. That night, sleeping in my own bed…it felt like I was returning to a long lost comforting memory. I slept well. The summer was a blur of getting classes, trying to reconnect with my roommate and get a new apartment (which we did by the way, it’s bigger and prettier), and throwing fabric every which direction trying to cough up a couple costumes in order for the con rush. I really can’t say much happened out of the usual. I saw my old friends, caught up with everyone and enjoyed my summer to the best of my ability. The best I think was walking along the beach and talking to Erica about my time in Wales. We stayed out so long that I got burnt really badly. I was peeling for weeks haha. But it’s not the same. I don’t have the same solid comfort as I did before I left. People change. It’s something everyone must learn. While I was stuck in the dream that was 5 months in the United Kingdom, experiencing life like I would never dare to do so at home, people at home were living and experiencing their own lives. People were growing apart from old friends, and growing close to new ones. In a way, I feel a little left behind- as though I have not changed at all. It’s endearing to see them all, but you can’t help but feel slightly detached from them and their world. Don’t worry folks, I fully intend to stick my proud self back in there. But still….our paths have separated a bit, and for now I guess I must grow content with the idea of looking at them through trees. The only people I feel I can connect with are Alberie and other study abroad students who don’t seem to understand what to do with themselves now that they are home. I don’t think anyone here knows exactly what to do with themselves now that they are home. Yes, get up and continue on with my life and my ambition. But I read something in a book recently. “Don’t forget the past, used it to make you stronger”.
-<3 Stefani M. Johnson
p.s. ………..I’ll see you all soon.
And a little exercise I would like to try.
Write out the 10 most embarrassing moments of your life. Well, I’m switching it up a bit. 10 most embarrassing moments that I had in Wales. Maybe this will not only help me get rid of the need to constantly bring it up, maybe not. Hopefully it does something. But I thought I’d give it a try. Of course, it only works if I make it public right? (keep in mind, these are not in any specific order, just as I am coming up with them.)
So I’m back into the stressful school life that is Cal State Fullerton. Impersonal, stressful, and lonely as always…..….what has everyone else been up to? Reply to my face book or here, either or…I always love hearing from you.
It’s 3:43 in the morning and I think it’s finally about time I sit down and write this thing out. Watching ‘P.s. I love you’ was not only a sign but a big inspiration to finally do what I need to. I’ve been acting the past couple months as if some part of me has died. As if someone close to me, died and I not only ran away but completely left the country. A part of me that I loved with all my heart. See, there is this thing about the United Kingdom that continuously draws me back there. I can’t quite describe it, but I like to think it’s simply magic. Maybe, this is what magic is. Well in that case, the sorcerer responsible for making me in love with a country can continue to hex me all they wish. I’ll never grow tired of the visions of brilliant green landscape and ancient ruins poking up on the cliffs plaguing the inside of my eyelids. I doubt anyone will read this. As time goes on, I realize I am a bit slower than most at letting go. It’s so hard to watch the excitement that had once filled my eyes, fill the eyes of the people around me. What will happen to them, I wonder? What will they experience? I guess I should probably warn any possible trinity readers, that a good amount of people plan to travel to your school next year. I can only hope they will have all that I experienced, and that you guys will show them how to really down their alcohol and party like a real rock star. I trust you all wholly with that task. Show them what going to college is really like, none of this commuter school crap. Most of all, I trust you all to show them the magic that your country and style of theater holds, if only in the kindness you show them and the excitement you instill in them. I know you all will do great. Yes, I’m jealous. I have said many times I would do anything to go back. But I guess this entire episode made me realize something really important about myself. I hate ending the chapter. But my chapter abroad ended in may, and I am still working my absolute hardest to move on. That, of course is my own challenge, and one I must unfortunately face alone. I don’t know how long it will take or how much it will affect me, but I feel a little more ready. Perhaps one day I will be able to smile out of honest excitement then pure green envy. They all look so happy and excited to go. But is it so wrong to want to keep it mine? I guess in a way that is wrong, because the experience will always be mine. Apparently I like silly questions.
Anyway, this message isn’t supposed to be a long one. Just a short update on me, and of course I love to hear from you all. Upon returning home to California, I cried so hard into my mother’s shoulder I never thought I’d stop. So many emotions, and I had sworn on the plane that I would keep a straight happy face. But god did I miss her. I missed all my family. She took me to my favorite place to eat, California Pizza Kitchen, and I was treated to my favorite Chipotle Chicken Pizza without the chicken. It was a time I will never forget. That night, sleeping in my own bed…it felt like I was returning to a long lost comforting memory. I slept well. The summer was a blur of getting classes, trying to reconnect with my roommate and get a new apartment (which we did by the way, it’s bigger and prettier), and throwing fabric every which direction trying to cough up a couple costumes in order for the con rush. I really can’t say much happened out of the usual. I saw my old friends, caught up with everyone and enjoyed my summer to the best of my ability. The best I think was walking along the beach and talking to Erica about my time in Wales. We stayed out so long that I got burnt really badly. I was peeling for weeks haha. But it’s not the same. I don’t have the same solid comfort as I did before I left. People change. It’s something everyone must learn. While I was stuck in the dream that was 5 months in the United Kingdom, experiencing life like I would never dare to do so at home, people at home were living and experiencing their own lives. People were growing apart from old friends, and growing close to new ones. In a way, I feel a little left behind- as though I have not changed at all. It’s endearing to see them all, but you can’t help but feel slightly detached from them and their world. Don’t worry folks, I fully intend to stick my proud self back in there. But still….our paths have separated a bit, and for now I guess I must grow content with the idea of looking at them through trees. The only people I feel I can connect with are Alberie and other study abroad students who don’t seem to understand what to do with themselves now that they are home. I don’t think anyone here knows exactly what to do with themselves now that they are home. Yes, get up and continue on with my life and my ambition. But I read something in a book recently. “Don’t forget the past, used it to make you stronger”.
-<3 Stefani M. Johnson
p.s. ………..I’ll see you all soon.
And a little exercise I would like to try.
Write out the 10 most embarrassing moments of your life. Well, I’m switching it up a bit. 10 most embarrassing moments that I had in Wales. Maybe this will not only help me get rid of the need to constantly bring it up, maybe not. Hopefully it does something. But I thought I’d give it a try. Of course, it only works if I make it public right? (keep in mind, these are not in any specific order, just as I am coming up with them.)
- Talking to Simon Mullins the first week about my entire sexual life without any prompting. Ohh yah, that was a total face palm right there.
- Getting Jeffery and I lost around London after proudly boasting I knew where I was going. Best part was, I at least stopped to ask directions later.
- Taking on a Spanish Guy in a hostel in Edinburgh since he was yelling at me to go out into the hallway if I was going to be so loud- when I wasn’t moving. He later ate my kebab and I forgot my phone at that same hostel to top it off- Alberie going back to get it for me since I was being the world’s largest drama queen- that’s the embarrassing moment.
- Drinking WAAAAY too much on my birthday. Way too much. At least I impressed the bartender even a little. Also, the porcelain god and I are now very well acquainted.
- Same night, but embarrassed that Alberie sat up all night with me while I was retching my stomach to shreds and crying like a baby. Really smooth Stef.
- Breaking that glass in Ireland while trying on South Africa’s leather jacket….then offering to clean it up, stupidly which only seemed to piss the bartender off more.
- Sitting in the girls bathroom on the first floor of the union like a pathetic idiot. Need I say more?
- Drunk messaging old crushes on facebook. ----- SERIOUSLY. People need to restrain me before I act like an idgit.
- All the times that my journal entries turned into sappy depressing slop because I can’t seem to get that I screwed up and that no one really cares, especially not guy I messed up with.
- The way I hung on people while I was drunk. Needless to say, drinking that much is not exactly on my schedule ever again. Also- how easily I got goaded into things while I was drunk. Seriously- what happened to pride and my solid image here?
So I’m back into the stressful school life that is Cal State Fullerton. Impersonal, stressful, and lonely as always…..….what has everyone else been up to? Reply to my face book or here, either or…I always love hearing from you.