WALES the adventure Week 4 & 5
Sometimes I have to remind myself I’m in the UK. Away from home. Sometimes…I feel that I’m growing too comfortable here. But still there is something missing, always is it missing. I hate it and it keeps bugging me. I’m always looking at the doors, and watching the people…always interacting and trying to forget what it is im waiting for. Well, in some way, I hope one day to find it…because right now it’s driving me crazy.
It took a lot to come here. It took arguing with my parents (which I never do), it took tears and sweat to get paper work in…and it took a lot of what I had in me to tell myself I needed this, had wanted it…so that I could leave my friends and comfort zone which I rarely step out of. To leave the California I have always lived in, and go somewhere new. To not be afraid to fall in love with a place, and know I’d have to leave it. To take chances and do things I would never do back home. To add one more thing into my life full of happy memories. But still it is missing.
I always read stories of people being transported to magical places. It may sound a bit weird, but I feel like I’ve been waiting my entire life for it to happen, waiting for something like a fantasy novel to happen to me. Somehow I know that is precisely the reason it will never happen to me…because I’m waiting for it. I’m ready for it. I quote my favorite character from Cassandra Clare’s ‘City of Bones’; Magnus “every teenager pitters around, waiting endlessly for something special to happen to them, believing they are different; the only difference with you is that you are. “ Of course I’m not the one he was talking to. But the comment hit home for me. It didn’t take much for me to realize what he meant either. I guess it is also normal to pitter around wondering what everyone thinks of you. Depressing as it is, I’ve had my times where I seriously consider what it is some people will say at my funeral. Yet that is how I run my life, I live the life that I want people to remember. I plan things and play things out so that people won’t just say “She was a great and kind person” But rather, something meaningful and unique. Actually I would love it if I got someone to get up there and say, “Geez she was fucking awesome. Why did she have to go?” Or something like that. More than anything I guess what I’m looking for his honesty, I want people to see me and see something that makes them want to better themselves. But that sounds a bit…arrogant doesn’t it?
AHH BUT enough of the depressing talk. I am in Wales, and I am living a constant line of things that will become good memories. I’ll keep waiting for whatever it is, but I refuse to let it get me down. In attempt to make up for the depressing statements above, I also dress myself most days in outfits that I coordinate so that if I get kidnapped or something interesting happens to me like in a fantasy novel, I’ll be wearing clothes that I actually like and would want my character to be wearing. Let me start with Monday.
It was another day of class.
Since this is my second time typing this, I’m going to cut my previous paragraph into half and say, I really can’t remember what happened and it’s only been a week. That goes for Tuesday too. Actually to be rather honest I can’t remember almost anything from this week.
I do know I went to the union on Wednesday and enjoyed a very eventful 90’s night. Although, we found out later it wasn’t exactly 90’s night, but rather a pink thing. I of course had no pink with me to speak of, and thus wore red and white thinking myself pretty creative since when you mix those colors together they get pink. Of course, in the end this was not even my idea at all but my friend Erica’s. I had a blast because it was barely crowded and the people there that we knew where having just as much fun as we were. I had brought my camera along and had taken fun photos of the night. I was looking forward to Friday which was Career’s night. Thursday, was more Shakespeare. We where moving right along with Macbeth, and I found it hilarious to watch a movie with the voice actor of ‘ZigZag’ from Thief and the Cobbler. Talk about flash back to the past- I practically died inside from shock. If you haven’t seen that movie, I advise watching it sober- it’s too trippy for any influencers.
Friday, career night. HOLY HELL! How many people can you pack into a union? A lot, obviously. I don’t think I have ever felt so claustrophobic. The bar was a war zone, every inch of the floor was covered in alcohol, and everyone was completely smashed. I’m going to be honest, but this pissed me off. I didn’t really have that much fun, too many people…and getting spilled on and yelled at was just not on my list of fun things. Alberie, Jeffery and I all sat at the bar before going downstairs and some guy decided it would be hilarious to go up to Alberie and scream in her ear. I could only feel white hot embarrassment spread across my face and then a flash of anger. Later I was almost pulled into the boys bathroom on the accusation that the girls bathroom was full of lesbians. I felt so smug when I was able to reply simply, “I’d prefer that over you any day.” Excuse me for sounding witchy, but I have no qualms making cold and snide remarks towards people who are acting like idiots. Only certain situations are able to piss me off ‘that’ much and this night was one of them. I was glad when we all decided to just kick it to the wind and leave early.
There is something very wrong about this photo....very very wrong.
Saturday I spent the day doing laundry. It was nice to have a quiet day of reading and organizing my room around. I managed to get a lot of things done, and in the process completely avoid doing my Shakespeare homework which still seems to plague me as I rewrite this. In my defense, I never do anything until the last minute…why? Because honestly- for lack of a better explanation, I work better under pressure. God knows I’ll put those papers off until hours before they are due, for some reason I still manage to do ok in school. Tesco run, this time I brought my backpack! I felt smart, but still ended up having bags in my hands. We managed to stride home in the evening alright, but next I’d like a care before my fingers fall off haha…Also, bought my first two things of alcohol. OOOOh I feel so smug.
Sunday and CASTLE.
In a short span of minutes I found my dreams coming true. We climbed into each others cars and drove about 20 minutes to the edge of the earth it seemed. It was a flast ride, filled with rows of overhanging trees and beautiful sight lines of hills covered in fields. And ancient and almost mystical feel to it all, the same feeling I would gain when I sat in the library after school gazing at history encyclopedias. As we exited the cars we would see a bay, houses lining the hill sides that overhung the riverbed. The sun made the water glimmer silver. We walked along the beach and found piles of shells littering the place and rocky cliffs with vines overhanging and gripping at their edges. Towards the edge of the cliff was a stair case that built itself out of the surrounding rock. We climbed it and up a trail to the castle. It went from a rocky cliff to a leaf covered road. I love autumn, because the leaves blanket the ground in an exquisite fashion. The trees allow you to see the sky without losing their whole color or fullness. After passing this we treaded up the road towards the castle. I couldn’t help imagine myself wearing a beautiful ancient celtic dress, riding a horse with sparse bits of armor and a crown on my head. Long hair blowing in the wind as I made my way to the gate of on my vassals ocean front strong hold.
It sat on top the hill, overlooking the hills and silver river to the north, the gray green beaches to the east and pouring light upon the ancient rocks of a once, most definitely, beautiful castle. It was perfect, I now know why they wanted to go at sunset. It was like looking into a past life, wondering who had once touched the walls of the castle when it was whole…breathing and seeing what they had, feeling the air of story there. It was brilliant and I couldn’t help but feel a forlorn excitement inside of me. I could have whipped out my sketch pad right there and have drawn for hours.
It was so much fun to climb the walls freely and to experience the castle without the whole, historical tour guides and guards. We could climb over the rails and climb the old and dangerous steps to the top of the tours, and we were able to pull ourselves up to the places we really wanted to explore. I felt like a kid with a brand new playground. I obviously became a picture addict. I even ran out of film space. I want to go back there already, as we left it was too soon. I plan to go back and take more photos, hehe models wanted?
Photo inspirations for a possible photo shoot....if I ever get around to it...haha.
On the ride back Caroline played classical tunes and I fell into fantasy mode. The same mode I find myself escaping too often lately. It was a beautiful but silent ride home, feeling as though I were living a piece straight out of a film. I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything. Caroline then took us to get fish n’ chips in town since it was one of the things we had neglected to get since we’ve been here. We headed back to the International Student Lounge intent to eat dinner and watch interview with a vampire. IT WAS GOING TO BE THE MOST ROCKING NIGHT EVER-….until the VCR decided it wanted to play dead with us. We ended up battling it for about an hour until someone responded to our facebook plea for a vcr. Ralph was kind enough to loan us his, and we eagerly zoomed off to watch it with Caroline in her room. I love that movie…just the overall feel to it. Brilliant, Anne Rice- you are a genius. So are you, whoever you are that directed it.
Just a bit of back tracking, but if there I a man out there wanting to SERIOUSLY impress me I’ll give you a really big tip- or well, a couple.
1- Appeal to my historical side, take me to a castle…dress somewhat formally aka vest & top hats…
2- Buy me food
3- Surprise me, which is shockingly hard to do by the way. I’m hardly ever surprised.
Thanks to my fabulous (and probably unsuspecting) models.
WELL WE ARE ONTO WEEK FIVE SINCE I KINDA ER….WAS LATE WITH THIS ONE.
Monday, first day of the last week of Shakespeare. Oh dear. Crunch time.
Tuesday was our first day for ‘Oh What a Lovely War’ rehearsal, and it was something of just a fun day learning songs and playing games to see what we could do. In this module we are basically putting on a show. Of course this is now with the third years, the ones about ready to graduate. Almost everyone who came over to CSUF in the fall are present. It was fun, but I found myself feeling really weary. Really…weary. Uncomfortable.
Wednesday, back with Shakespeare. We skipped the union, why? Because, Thursday was our final performance of our monologues and Mickey B. It was blistering cold in the church, but I found it calming to my skin and enjoyable. Then my teeth started to chatter and it was time to put on the coat. I found myself missing the church; I didn’t want to leave this amazing class room. I didn’t want something to already be over so soon. Our final performances were epic. At least, I felt epic…
After our performance we got together with the class and headed into town. It was the first time I had gone since the first time being to Jacksons, and it was still as cute and euphoric as I remember. I got our ‘Sex on the Beach’ cocktail and drank a lot of alcohol. Probably more then I have bargained for. Our module tutor had come along to be with us.
Yah…it was weird. REALLY WEIRD. Our teacher coming to converse and spend time with us! It made him seem so….human. I loved it. It was great fun being able to see your professor in a bar. Weird, but a good kind of weird. I got a little too much to drink and got into one of my ‘arrogant and snide’ moods. I felt competitive and I ended up having political debates with everyone. It was my fault for getting so easily frazzled at their teasing, but excuse me for being patriotic. Although to be honest…I’m more patriotic and loyal to the old ideals of our country, the goals and dreams out country has stood for since it’s birth…the goals and dreams that still linger in the hearts of our country and it’s people. We are not so old that we do not remember our origins, we are not so young that we have inexperience to blame for our wrongs and mistakes, we are in a rough spot….all countries go through it. But the one thing I love about being an American, is that undeniable sense of loyalty to the base ideal of our country. Sometimes this same sense of love I have for being a descendant of those who fought for their ideals and dreams can be a bit overwhelming and when I drink too much it definitely spills over. I know they where kidding, and it was all in good fun. But ironically it made me realize this, that no matter what any other country says- you cannot deny that the United States of America is a unique country.
Next day was Friday and we spent our second day with OWALW. We were assigned our parts, and while I am not going to admit them just yet, I can just say why it was I had been feeling weary. Back in high school I went through a major shift in my life goals. I grew to hate acting, and I could never figure out why… still I found that I loved directing. It fit me more. More than acting ever could. But here I was being an actor…It was a flash back to high school and the turmoil it provided for me. I couldn’t hold back the fact I was scared. And the same depression that took my mood in junior year found it’s place back in the still lingering wounds that ghosted around my mind. I guess that would explain later that evening.
You say that I'm messing with your head
All cause I was making out with your friend
Love hurts whether it's right or wrong
I can't stop cause I'm having too much fun
You're on your knees
Begging please
Stay with me
But honestly
I just need to be a little crazy
All my life I've been good,
But now
I'm thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about
If you love me
If you hate me
You can save me
Baby, baby
All my life I've been good
But now
Whoaaa...
What The Hell
So what if I go out on a million dates
You never call or listen to me anyway
I'd rather rage than sit around and wait all day
Don't get me wrong
I just need some time to play
You're on your knees
Begging please
Stay with me
But honestly
I just need to be a little crazy
All my life I've been good,
But now
I'm thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around
(((Avril Lavigne What The Hell lyrics )))
And I don't really care about
If you love me
If you hate me
You can save me
Baby, baby
All my life I've been good
But now
Whoaaa...
What The Hell
Lalalala la la
Whoa Whoa
Lalalala la la
Whoa Whoa
You say that I'm messing with your head
Boy, I like messing in your bed
Yeah, I am messing with your head when
I'm messing with you in bed
All my life I've been good,
But now
I'm thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about
All my life I've been good,
But now
I'm thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about
If you love me
If you hate me
You can save me
Baby, baby
All my life I've been good
But now
Whoaaa...
What The Hell
Lalalalalalalalalala
Lalalalalalalalala
After class, Alberie and I scarfed down dinner and literally ran into town to grab a dress from Top Shop for Amy’s red carpet birthday party. I found a black (shocking I know), dress that I actually decided I loved and Alberie found herself one as well. We managed to run back home and throw ourselves into the showers and such, getting ready with the assurance the party was two hours away. I looked up pictures of katy perry and kate blanchet for my hair and makeup. I then ended up throwing my waaaay too long bangs out of my face. I am really starting to hate how fast my bangs grow while the rest of my head decides it’s against following the fronts example. Well my bangs can go attempt to do something anatomically impossible and highly unprintable. Not that I haven’t typed the word before- but remember, I am trying to work on my cussing.
I drank too much. Oliver probably had enough of me hanging all over him. But I was glad he was being nice to me…even if I was behaving like a quart low on attention-mongering fool. I roll my eyes at this, I get so embarrassed when I act like that. It’s not me, the overconfidence and the idea that I can stand up to anyone…well…I can, but that’s not the point. The point is that I was over compensating for the shyness I was actually feeling and was trying extremely hard to hide. By the end of the night I had grabbed his bottle twice and took sips of it- everyone else watched me as I constantly took drinks. I was in a mood…that’s why looking out the window and staring at the rain drenched concrete held so much appeal for me.
There is something deeply calming to me about the image of a street drenched in rain. It reminds me of my old house back in Tiburon, the way I used to sit up on nights that it would rain-…watching the street below. How the water poured from the grey and black night and soaking the ground. Each drop illuminated by the gentle glow of the street lamp. Sitting on the side of the union, I sat too drunk to really walk right, staring at the rain outside. I was reminded of the time when back home I had woken to the pouring rain outside and in an impulsive decision walked out in my big white t-shirt and tiny black shorts out into the street 3 in the morning to stand in the rain. My bare feet on the wet ground felt soo good, and my soaked hair was nice. To be alone in that moment and to feel the night- misty and mysterious. I was quickly snapped from my reverie when people told me they were leaving for the night- I decided it was a good idea.
Saturday- and I was sick plus hung over. I sort of wanted to throw myself into a ditch for my behavior. However, I forced myself up and into a comfortable set of clothing. No WAY was I missing the Cardiff trip. Once again the tourist flutter found itself filling my body top full of excitement. Even the hammering headache and the scorching dryness of my throat couldn’t shake my mood. First we went to the Welsh history museum, which wasn’t really an indoor building full of relics but instead a large park full of different era houses, rebuilt with their original bearings. I was amazed and was quickly pissed off when my camera died. Smart Stefani here forgot to bring her extra battery. I took pictures with Jefferies Camera. We danced quickly from house to house, exploring their contents and talking to the guides inside. I really wish there were more museums like this.
At one point or another there where long paths covered by overhanging trees and blanketed in fallen leaves and twigs. The wind was so strong that it blew the trees this way and that, you could actually hear them. The mini whirlwinds brought up leaves all around us and we walked the long path taking in the picture-esc beauty. If only I could catch it on film- but no, my camera was deader than a doornail.
After a visit to the gift shop and the purchasing of postcards- we were back on the bus and into the heart of Cardiff. HOLY HELL! I love this city, I know where I want to spend the rest of my life. It’s beautiful and lively. The perfect combination of a modern city and a past drowned world. I can’t explain how perfect it was, but it felt almost completely like home. At least, I acted like I felt at home. We went to subway for lunch and then headed into the castle for a tour and audio tour look. We watched a short film which was interesting but SUPER cheesy. I found myself laughing through most of it. It was a fun moment between Jeffery, Alberie, and I. We wandered around the castle and I was in total history mode. I loved the stories of each of the rooms and all the decorated elegance. I was practically blinded and it was no surprise someone was having their wedding there. It was just plain beautiful. Although I’m positive I’ve made my mind up that my wedding will be at LeSteffan Castle, since it was just…beautiful.
As always my exploring was cut super short. We raced back to the bus and back home. I spent the next day in bed- since my body hadn’t agreed to my choice to go to Cardiff. My body isn’t agreeing with me much at all anymore…
<3 Stef.
p.s. have fun with these attack of the birds photos. Seriously, wondrous and kind of creepy at the same time.
It took a lot to come here. It took arguing with my parents (which I never do), it took tears and sweat to get paper work in…and it took a lot of what I had in me to tell myself I needed this, had wanted it…so that I could leave my friends and comfort zone which I rarely step out of. To leave the California I have always lived in, and go somewhere new. To not be afraid to fall in love with a place, and know I’d have to leave it. To take chances and do things I would never do back home. To add one more thing into my life full of happy memories. But still it is missing.
I always read stories of people being transported to magical places. It may sound a bit weird, but I feel like I’ve been waiting my entire life for it to happen, waiting for something like a fantasy novel to happen to me. Somehow I know that is precisely the reason it will never happen to me…because I’m waiting for it. I’m ready for it. I quote my favorite character from Cassandra Clare’s ‘City of Bones’; Magnus “every teenager pitters around, waiting endlessly for something special to happen to them, believing they are different; the only difference with you is that you are. “ Of course I’m not the one he was talking to. But the comment hit home for me. It didn’t take much for me to realize what he meant either. I guess it is also normal to pitter around wondering what everyone thinks of you. Depressing as it is, I’ve had my times where I seriously consider what it is some people will say at my funeral. Yet that is how I run my life, I live the life that I want people to remember. I plan things and play things out so that people won’t just say “She was a great and kind person” But rather, something meaningful and unique. Actually I would love it if I got someone to get up there and say, “Geez she was fucking awesome. Why did she have to go?” Or something like that. More than anything I guess what I’m looking for his honesty, I want people to see me and see something that makes them want to better themselves. But that sounds a bit…arrogant doesn’t it?
AHH BUT enough of the depressing talk. I am in Wales, and I am living a constant line of things that will become good memories. I’ll keep waiting for whatever it is, but I refuse to let it get me down. In attempt to make up for the depressing statements above, I also dress myself most days in outfits that I coordinate so that if I get kidnapped or something interesting happens to me like in a fantasy novel, I’ll be wearing clothes that I actually like and would want my character to be wearing. Let me start with Monday.
It was another day of class.
Since this is my second time typing this, I’m going to cut my previous paragraph into half and say, I really can’t remember what happened and it’s only been a week. That goes for Tuesday too. Actually to be rather honest I can’t remember almost anything from this week.
I do know I went to the union on Wednesday and enjoyed a very eventful 90’s night. Although, we found out later it wasn’t exactly 90’s night, but rather a pink thing. I of course had no pink with me to speak of, and thus wore red and white thinking myself pretty creative since when you mix those colors together they get pink. Of course, in the end this was not even my idea at all but my friend Erica’s. I had a blast because it was barely crowded and the people there that we knew where having just as much fun as we were. I had brought my camera along and had taken fun photos of the night. I was looking forward to Friday which was Career’s night. Thursday, was more Shakespeare. We where moving right along with Macbeth, and I found it hilarious to watch a movie with the voice actor of ‘ZigZag’ from Thief and the Cobbler. Talk about flash back to the past- I practically died inside from shock. If you haven’t seen that movie, I advise watching it sober- it’s too trippy for any influencers.
Friday, career night. HOLY HELL! How many people can you pack into a union? A lot, obviously. I don’t think I have ever felt so claustrophobic. The bar was a war zone, every inch of the floor was covered in alcohol, and everyone was completely smashed. I’m going to be honest, but this pissed me off. I didn’t really have that much fun, too many people…and getting spilled on and yelled at was just not on my list of fun things. Alberie, Jeffery and I all sat at the bar before going downstairs and some guy decided it would be hilarious to go up to Alberie and scream in her ear. I could only feel white hot embarrassment spread across my face and then a flash of anger. Later I was almost pulled into the boys bathroom on the accusation that the girls bathroom was full of lesbians. I felt so smug when I was able to reply simply, “I’d prefer that over you any day.” Excuse me for sounding witchy, but I have no qualms making cold and snide remarks towards people who are acting like idiots. Only certain situations are able to piss me off ‘that’ much and this night was one of them. I was glad when we all decided to just kick it to the wind and leave early.
There is something very wrong about this photo....very very wrong.
Saturday I spent the day doing laundry. It was nice to have a quiet day of reading and organizing my room around. I managed to get a lot of things done, and in the process completely avoid doing my Shakespeare homework which still seems to plague me as I rewrite this. In my defense, I never do anything until the last minute…why? Because honestly- for lack of a better explanation, I work better under pressure. God knows I’ll put those papers off until hours before they are due, for some reason I still manage to do ok in school. Tesco run, this time I brought my backpack! I felt smart, but still ended up having bags in my hands. We managed to stride home in the evening alright, but next I’d like a care before my fingers fall off haha…Also, bought my first two things of alcohol. OOOOh I feel so smug.
Sunday and CASTLE.
In a short span of minutes I found my dreams coming true. We climbed into each others cars and drove about 20 minutes to the edge of the earth it seemed. It was a flast ride, filled with rows of overhanging trees and beautiful sight lines of hills covered in fields. And ancient and almost mystical feel to it all, the same feeling I would gain when I sat in the library after school gazing at history encyclopedias. As we exited the cars we would see a bay, houses lining the hill sides that overhung the riverbed. The sun made the water glimmer silver. We walked along the beach and found piles of shells littering the place and rocky cliffs with vines overhanging and gripping at their edges. Towards the edge of the cliff was a stair case that built itself out of the surrounding rock. We climbed it and up a trail to the castle. It went from a rocky cliff to a leaf covered road. I love autumn, because the leaves blanket the ground in an exquisite fashion. The trees allow you to see the sky without losing their whole color or fullness. After passing this we treaded up the road towards the castle. I couldn’t help imagine myself wearing a beautiful ancient celtic dress, riding a horse with sparse bits of armor and a crown on my head. Long hair blowing in the wind as I made my way to the gate of on my vassals ocean front strong hold.
It sat on top the hill, overlooking the hills and silver river to the north, the gray green beaches to the east and pouring light upon the ancient rocks of a once, most definitely, beautiful castle. It was perfect, I now know why they wanted to go at sunset. It was like looking into a past life, wondering who had once touched the walls of the castle when it was whole…breathing and seeing what they had, feeling the air of story there. It was brilliant and I couldn’t help but feel a forlorn excitement inside of me. I could have whipped out my sketch pad right there and have drawn for hours.
It was so much fun to climb the walls freely and to experience the castle without the whole, historical tour guides and guards. We could climb over the rails and climb the old and dangerous steps to the top of the tours, and we were able to pull ourselves up to the places we really wanted to explore. I felt like a kid with a brand new playground. I obviously became a picture addict. I even ran out of film space. I want to go back there already, as we left it was too soon. I plan to go back and take more photos, hehe models wanted?
Photo inspirations for a possible photo shoot....if I ever get around to it...haha.
On the ride back Caroline played classical tunes and I fell into fantasy mode. The same mode I find myself escaping too often lately. It was a beautiful but silent ride home, feeling as though I were living a piece straight out of a film. I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything. Caroline then took us to get fish n’ chips in town since it was one of the things we had neglected to get since we’ve been here. We headed back to the International Student Lounge intent to eat dinner and watch interview with a vampire. IT WAS GOING TO BE THE MOST ROCKING NIGHT EVER-….until the VCR decided it wanted to play dead with us. We ended up battling it for about an hour until someone responded to our facebook plea for a vcr. Ralph was kind enough to loan us his, and we eagerly zoomed off to watch it with Caroline in her room. I love that movie…just the overall feel to it. Brilliant, Anne Rice- you are a genius. So are you, whoever you are that directed it.
Just a bit of back tracking, but if there I a man out there wanting to SERIOUSLY impress me I’ll give you a really big tip- or well, a couple.
1- Appeal to my historical side, take me to a castle…dress somewhat formally aka vest & top hats…
2- Buy me food
3- Surprise me, which is shockingly hard to do by the way. I’m hardly ever surprised.
Thanks to my fabulous (and probably unsuspecting) models.
WELL WE ARE ONTO WEEK FIVE SINCE I KINDA ER….WAS LATE WITH THIS ONE.
Monday, first day of the last week of Shakespeare. Oh dear. Crunch time.
Tuesday was our first day for ‘Oh What a Lovely War’ rehearsal, and it was something of just a fun day learning songs and playing games to see what we could do. In this module we are basically putting on a show. Of course this is now with the third years, the ones about ready to graduate. Almost everyone who came over to CSUF in the fall are present. It was fun, but I found myself feeling really weary. Really…weary. Uncomfortable.
Wednesday, back with Shakespeare. We skipped the union, why? Because, Thursday was our final performance of our monologues and Mickey B. It was blistering cold in the church, but I found it calming to my skin and enjoyable. Then my teeth started to chatter and it was time to put on the coat. I found myself missing the church; I didn’t want to leave this amazing class room. I didn’t want something to already be over so soon. Our final performances were epic. At least, I felt epic…
After our performance we got together with the class and headed into town. It was the first time I had gone since the first time being to Jacksons, and it was still as cute and euphoric as I remember. I got our ‘Sex on the Beach’ cocktail and drank a lot of alcohol. Probably more then I have bargained for. Our module tutor had come along to be with us.
Yah…it was weird. REALLY WEIRD. Our teacher coming to converse and spend time with us! It made him seem so….human. I loved it. It was great fun being able to see your professor in a bar. Weird, but a good kind of weird. I got a little too much to drink and got into one of my ‘arrogant and snide’ moods. I felt competitive and I ended up having political debates with everyone. It was my fault for getting so easily frazzled at their teasing, but excuse me for being patriotic. Although to be honest…I’m more patriotic and loyal to the old ideals of our country, the goals and dreams out country has stood for since it’s birth…the goals and dreams that still linger in the hearts of our country and it’s people. We are not so old that we do not remember our origins, we are not so young that we have inexperience to blame for our wrongs and mistakes, we are in a rough spot….all countries go through it. But the one thing I love about being an American, is that undeniable sense of loyalty to the base ideal of our country. Sometimes this same sense of love I have for being a descendant of those who fought for their ideals and dreams can be a bit overwhelming and when I drink too much it definitely spills over. I know they where kidding, and it was all in good fun. But ironically it made me realize this, that no matter what any other country says- you cannot deny that the United States of America is a unique country.
Next day was Friday and we spent our second day with OWALW. We were assigned our parts, and while I am not going to admit them just yet, I can just say why it was I had been feeling weary. Back in high school I went through a major shift in my life goals. I grew to hate acting, and I could never figure out why… still I found that I loved directing. It fit me more. More than acting ever could. But here I was being an actor…It was a flash back to high school and the turmoil it provided for me. I couldn’t hold back the fact I was scared. And the same depression that took my mood in junior year found it’s place back in the still lingering wounds that ghosted around my mind. I guess that would explain later that evening.
You say that I'm messing with your head
All cause I was making out with your friend
Love hurts whether it's right or wrong
I can't stop cause I'm having too much fun
You're on your knees
Begging please
Stay with me
But honestly
I just need to be a little crazy
All my life I've been good,
But now
I'm thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about
If you love me
If you hate me
You can save me
Baby, baby
All my life I've been good
But now
Whoaaa...
What The Hell
So what if I go out on a million dates
You never call or listen to me anyway
I'd rather rage than sit around and wait all day
Don't get me wrong
I just need some time to play
You're on your knees
Begging please
Stay with me
But honestly
I just need to be a little crazy
All my life I've been good,
But now
I'm thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around
(((Avril Lavigne What The Hell lyrics )))
And I don't really care about
If you love me
If you hate me
You can save me
Baby, baby
All my life I've been good
But now
Whoaaa...
What The Hell
Lalalala la la
Whoa Whoa
Lalalala la la
Whoa Whoa
You say that I'm messing with your head
Boy, I like messing in your bed
Yeah, I am messing with your head when
I'm messing with you in bed
All my life I've been good,
But now
I'm thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about
All my life I've been good,
But now
I'm thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about
If you love me
If you hate me
You can save me
Baby, baby
All my life I've been good
But now
Whoaaa...
What The Hell
Lalalalalalalalalala
Lalalalalalalalala
After class, Alberie and I scarfed down dinner and literally ran into town to grab a dress from Top Shop for Amy’s red carpet birthday party. I found a black (shocking I know), dress that I actually decided I loved and Alberie found herself one as well. We managed to run back home and throw ourselves into the showers and such, getting ready with the assurance the party was two hours away. I looked up pictures of katy perry and kate blanchet for my hair and makeup. I then ended up throwing my waaaay too long bangs out of my face. I am really starting to hate how fast my bangs grow while the rest of my head decides it’s against following the fronts example. Well my bangs can go attempt to do something anatomically impossible and highly unprintable. Not that I haven’t typed the word before- but remember, I am trying to work on my cussing.
I drank too much. Oliver probably had enough of me hanging all over him. But I was glad he was being nice to me…even if I was behaving like a quart low on attention-mongering fool. I roll my eyes at this, I get so embarrassed when I act like that. It’s not me, the overconfidence and the idea that I can stand up to anyone…well…I can, but that’s not the point. The point is that I was over compensating for the shyness I was actually feeling and was trying extremely hard to hide. By the end of the night I had grabbed his bottle twice and took sips of it- everyone else watched me as I constantly took drinks. I was in a mood…that’s why looking out the window and staring at the rain drenched concrete held so much appeal for me.
There is something deeply calming to me about the image of a street drenched in rain. It reminds me of my old house back in Tiburon, the way I used to sit up on nights that it would rain-…watching the street below. How the water poured from the grey and black night and soaking the ground. Each drop illuminated by the gentle glow of the street lamp. Sitting on the side of the union, I sat too drunk to really walk right, staring at the rain outside. I was reminded of the time when back home I had woken to the pouring rain outside and in an impulsive decision walked out in my big white t-shirt and tiny black shorts out into the street 3 in the morning to stand in the rain. My bare feet on the wet ground felt soo good, and my soaked hair was nice. To be alone in that moment and to feel the night- misty and mysterious. I was quickly snapped from my reverie when people told me they were leaving for the night- I decided it was a good idea.
Saturday- and I was sick plus hung over. I sort of wanted to throw myself into a ditch for my behavior. However, I forced myself up and into a comfortable set of clothing. No WAY was I missing the Cardiff trip. Once again the tourist flutter found itself filling my body top full of excitement. Even the hammering headache and the scorching dryness of my throat couldn’t shake my mood. First we went to the Welsh history museum, which wasn’t really an indoor building full of relics but instead a large park full of different era houses, rebuilt with their original bearings. I was amazed and was quickly pissed off when my camera died. Smart Stefani here forgot to bring her extra battery. I took pictures with Jefferies Camera. We danced quickly from house to house, exploring their contents and talking to the guides inside. I really wish there were more museums like this.
At one point or another there where long paths covered by overhanging trees and blanketed in fallen leaves and twigs. The wind was so strong that it blew the trees this way and that, you could actually hear them. The mini whirlwinds brought up leaves all around us and we walked the long path taking in the picture-esc beauty. If only I could catch it on film- but no, my camera was deader than a doornail.
After a visit to the gift shop and the purchasing of postcards- we were back on the bus and into the heart of Cardiff. HOLY HELL! I love this city, I know where I want to spend the rest of my life. It’s beautiful and lively. The perfect combination of a modern city and a past drowned world. I can’t explain how perfect it was, but it felt almost completely like home. At least, I acted like I felt at home. We went to subway for lunch and then headed into the castle for a tour and audio tour look. We watched a short film which was interesting but SUPER cheesy. I found myself laughing through most of it. It was a fun moment between Jeffery, Alberie, and I. We wandered around the castle and I was in total history mode. I loved the stories of each of the rooms and all the decorated elegance. I was practically blinded and it was no surprise someone was having their wedding there. It was just plain beautiful. Although I’m positive I’ve made my mind up that my wedding will be at LeSteffan Castle, since it was just…beautiful.
As always my exploring was cut super short. We raced back to the bus and back home. I spent the next day in bed- since my body hadn’t agreed to my choice to go to Cardiff. My body isn’t agreeing with me much at all anymore…
<3 Stef.
p.s. have fun with these attack of the birds photos. Seriously, wondrous and kind of creepy at the same time.