[ONESHOT] Breaking the Habit
Title: Breaking the Habit
Author: kikutan
Rating: PG-16? -mentions of sex
Genre: Angst
Pairing: JayKwon
Summary: That was probably the worst mistake he’d ever made.
Warnings: Uhm...I don't think there's any. o.o
Disclaimer: The boys belong to themselves and Oneday and JYPE and such : DDD
Notes: This is definitely my first time writing Oneday related stuff aside from some minor role playing and chat-playing. Please go easy on me : DDD I could also write a sequel of sorts if people like fluffy happy endings of sorts, otherwise this is a oneshot. :]
It was always like this, quick, messy, in hallways after practice or concerts or variety shows. There was no ceremony, he just pushed him against the wall, had his way and left. That’s how it worked and it had never been questioned before. Or rather, Jokwon had questioned it before, but that was because of his stupid crush on him, the one that never faded or anything. The one he couldn’t stand because he was straight. He only did this because he couldn’t go around picking up girls. It would ruin his reputation, his career.
It was so much easier to do things with someone like Kwon. Someone who was willing and didn’t care about much else other then feeling good. (Or at least he thought so.) He tried to convince himself he didn’t feel bad, that this was necessary because he couldn’t have a girlfriend safely. Because Jokwon was his friend and had the same needs and didn’t mind it when it happened.
It had already become normal after the first time, the first time they’d done something as Oneday. They’d gone backstage and Kwon had hugged him, obviously feeling giddy and happy that things had gone well, that they had managed to get at least this far. He didn’t know what had come over him but all of a sudden their lips were locked and he was pushing Kwon into a dark corner, touching and feeling. He’d been the first to do it. The first to pervert their relationship into the sick thing that it was now.
He felt that there wasn’t anything he could do to change it. It had started and he didn’t feel like stopping it, why should he when it brought him the relief he couldn’t get from his hand? It was a stress reliever and it made him feel good, it made Jokwon feel good too, so he didn’t see a point in stopping. It had gone on so long anyways. It was normal now, as sad as that was.
But now he was questioning it. He questioned it because it was starting to feel wrong. He was starting to feel bad. He felt like a terrible person, like some sort of slut who was taking it just because it was there. Taking advantage of Jokwon’s feelings because he had the opportunity. But he didn’t know how to put an end to it, he was reluctant to stop everything between them. He was reluctant to hurt him, he didn’t want to make Kwon feel used or dirty, he hadn’t thought about it before but he was sure that it had never been his intention.
And now that he was actually thinking he was realizing how wrong it had been. Not just because what he believed or because he was straight. But Kwon was his friend, probably one of his closest in Oneday, it didn’t matter that there were unsaid feelings lying under the surface. He knew he’d trampled everything, he’d ruined it all. He didn’t have feelings for Jokwon (or so he convinced himself) and he never would. He liked girls over all, he’d only fucked Kwon because it had been convenient.
Now he just needed to figure out how to end it cleanly, without it going wrong.
-+_+-
It happened again. He didn’t mean it to, but it had and he couldn’t change that. What he could have prevented though? Going to a cheap hotel room hadn’t been part of the plan. Having sex with Kwon hadn’t been part of the plan. And it had happened, he’d initiated it, even though he’d planned on ending things.
And then he’d gone and done it, he’d pushed Kwon against a wall, ravished him. He’d been so drunk on his lust that he’d accepted the invitation to the hotel room, without even thinking about the consequences. And now he had Jokwon curled up in the blankets next to him and he couldn’t sleep. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do now except to feel relief when Kwon turned away from him in his sleep. Yet he still couldn’t bring himself to fall asleep, couldn’t bring himself to do anything more then think of things that had nothing to do with the situation. Trying to make himself feel better.
And in the morning when Jokwon woke up, he pretended to be asleep and he felt the gentle brush of lips across his and he felt all the worse. And he realized why he’d never spent more then the few moments it usually took for them to finish up in the hallways. Because the intimacy scared him, he didn’t want it. It made things far more awkward then they needed to be.
When Kwon came back out, sitting on the edge of the bed in a towel and feeling awkward, he blamed himself for accepting the boy’s offer. He should have known better than to lose himself in the moment and go to the freaking room with him. It was something he should have tried his best to prevent it. He jumped when he heard his name called by a soft and timid voice.
“Jaebeom…”
But he didn’t say anything, he couldn’t think of anything to say. He couldn’t think, his mind was racing, his heart was beating too loud and he wanted to bolt. But he didn’t. Not until all he could think of were the wrong things.
“I’m sorry Kwon, I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you.” His voice cracked, betraying him, but that was okay. He’d betrayed everything by starting this relationship.
He wasn’t expecting the response, “It’s okay, its what I wanted I guess.” It was obvious that Jokwon was feeling the awkwardness, was realizing that there was nothing between them except for sex and Kwon’s own unrequited feelings.
“But I took advantage of your feelings. I don’t like you, I never have.” He paused, as if to get his point across. “I used you.” His voice took on a low tone, like he was angry at Kwon or something. But he was angry at himself. Even as he spoke the words he felt guilt wash over him.
And then Kwon was standing up and pulling his clothes on, bitter smile on his lips and tears threatening to fall off his eyelashes. “I know…I’ll leave first.” He nodded and then darted out of the room and Jaebeom had never felt worse in his life.
That was probably the worst mistake he’d ever made.
Author: kikutan
Rating: PG-16? -mentions of sex
Genre: Angst
Pairing: JayKwon
Summary: That was probably the worst mistake he’d ever made.
Warnings: Uhm...I don't think there's any. o.o
Disclaimer: The boys belong to themselves and Oneday and JYPE and such : DDD
Notes: This is definitely my first time writing Oneday related stuff aside from some minor role playing and chat-playing. Please go easy on me : DDD I could also write a sequel of sorts if people like fluffy happy endings of sorts, otherwise this is a oneshot. :]
It was always like this, quick, messy, in hallways after practice or concerts or variety shows. There was no ceremony, he just pushed him against the wall, had his way and left. That’s how it worked and it had never been questioned before. Or rather, Jokwon had questioned it before, but that was because of his stupid crush on him, the one that never faded or anything. The one he couldn’t stand because he was straight. He only did this because he couldn’t go around picking up girls. It would ruin his reputation, his career.
It was so much easier to do things with someone like Kwon. Someone who was willing and didn’t care about much else other then feeling good. (Or at least he thought so.) He tried to convince himself he didn’t feel bad, that this was necessary because he couldn’t have a girlfriend safely. Because Jokwon was his friend and had the same needs and didn’t mind it when it happened.
It had already become normal after the first time, the first time they’d done something as Oneday. They’d gone backstage and Kwon had hugged him, obviously feeling giddy and happy that things had gone well, that they had managed to get at least this far. He didn’t know what had come over him but all of a sudden their lips were locked and he was pushing Kwon into a dark corner, touching and feeling. He’d been the first to do it. The first to pervert their relationship into the sick thing that it was now.
He felt that there wasn’t anything he could do to change it. It had started and he didn’t feel like stopping it, why should he when it brought him the relief he couldn’t get from his hand? It was a stress reliever and it made him feel good, it made Jokwon feel good too, so he didn’t see a point in stopping. It had gone on so long anyways. It was normal now, as sad as that was.
But now he was questioning it. He questioned it because it was starting to feel wrong. He was starting to feel bad. He felt like a terrible person, like some sort of slut who was taking it just because it was there. Taking advantage of Jokwon’s feelings because he had the opportunity. But he didn’t know how to put an end to it, he was reluctant to stop everything between them. He was reluctant to hurt him, he didn’t want to make Kwon feel used or dirty, he hadn’t thought about it before but he was sure that it had never been his intention.
And now that he was actually thinking he was realizing how wrong it had been. Not just because what he believed or because he was straight. But Kwon was his friend, probably one of his closest in Oneday, it didn’t matter that there were unsaid feelings lying under the surface. He knew he’d trampled everything, he’d ruined it all. He didn’t have feelings for Jokwon (or so he convinced himself) and he never would. He liked girls over all, he’d only fucked Kwon because it had been convenient.
Now he just needed to figure out how to end it cleanly, without it going wrong.
-+_+-
It happened again. He didn’t mean it to, but it had and he couldn’t change that. What he could have prevented though? Going to a cheap hotel room hadn’t been part of the plan. Having sex with Kwon hadn’t been part of the plan. And it had happened, he’d initiated it, even though he’d planned on ending things.
And then he’d gone and done it, he’d pushed Kwon against a wall, ravished him. He’d been so drunk on his lust that he’d accepted the invitation to the hotel room, without even thinking about the consequences. And now he had Jokwon curled up in the blankets next to him and he couldn’t sleep. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do now except to feel relief when Kwon turned away from him in his sleep. Yet he still couldn’t bring himself to fall asleep, couldn’t bring himself to do anything more then think of things that had nothing to do with the situation. Trying to make himself feel better.
And in the morning when Jokwon woke up, he pretended to be asleep and he felt the gentle brush of lips across his and he felt all the worse. And he realized why he’d never spent more then the few moments it usually took for them to finish up in the hallways. Because the intimacy scared him, he didn’t want it. It made things far more awkward then they needed to be.
When Kwon came back out, sitting on the edge of the bed in a towel and feeling awkward, he blamed himself for accepting the boy’s offer. He should have known better than to lose himself in the moment and go to the freaking room with him. It was something he should have tried his best to prevent it. He jumped when he heard his name called by a soft and timid voice.
“Jaebeom…”
But he didn’t say anything, he couldn’t think of anything to say. He couldn’t think, his mind was racing, his heart was beating too loud and he wanted to bolt. But he didn’t. Not until all he could think of were the wrong things.
“I’m sorry Kwon, I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you.” His voice cracked, betraying him, but that was okay. He’d betrayed everything by starting this relationship.
He wasn’t expecting the response, “It’s okay, its what I wanted I guess.” It was obvious that Jokwon was feeling the awkwardness, was realizing that there was nothing between them except for sex and Kwon’s own unrequited feelings.
“But I took advantage of your feelings. I don’t like you, I never have.” He paused, as if to get his point across. “I used you.” His voice took on a low tone, like he was angry at Kwon or something. But he was angry at himself. Even as he spoke the words he felt guilt wash over him.
And then Kwon was standing up and pulling his clothes on, bitter smile on his lips and tears threatening to fall off his eyelashes. “I know…I’ll leave first.” He nodded and then darted out of the room and Jaebeom had never felt worse in his life.
That was probably the worst mistake he’d ever made.