12days all about meeee (30 meme catchup)
day 01 - introduce yourself
day 02 - your first love
day 03 - your parents
day 04 - what you ate today
day 05 - your definition of love
day 06 - your day
day 07 - your best friend
day 08 - a moment
day 09 - your beliefs
day 10 - what you wore today
day 11 - your siblings
day 12 - what's in your bag
day 13 - this week
day 14 - what you wore today
day 15 - your dreams
day 16 - your first kiss
day 17 - your favorite memory
day 18 - your favorite birthday
day 19 - something you regret
day 20 - this month
day 21 - another moment
day 22 - something that upsets you
day 23 - something that makes you feel better
day 24 - something that makes you cry
day 25 - a first
day 26 - your fears
day 27 - your favorite place
day 28 - something that you miss
day 29 - your aspirations
day 30 - one last moment
day 08 - a moment
Have you ever had a moment where it just feels weird to be alive? This is really hard to describe and not me being disturbing. But quite frequently as of late, I just stop everything and ponder how odd it is. I wonder "What if I'm not actually alive right now?", "Am I still asleep?" or "how real is this reality? Am I just insane and making everything up?" Overall I feel like my perceptions of what I see/feel/hear/taste is all in vain because nothing I do/say will make a difference in the end. I really can't describe this feeling. It is utterly weird. Thankfully I don't get it too often, mostly when I have nothing to do and my mind wanders, or those strange hours at night/in the morning when I'm halfway out of my mind. :C
day 09 - your beliefs
What do I believe in. What does this even mean? This is a very broad prompt and i don't know what exactly to write here haha. AND I DON'T WANT TO ESSAY MORE THAN I PROBABLY WILL.
I guess I believe in forgiving. Giving someone a second, third, forth, fifth etc chance until they succeed. If first you don't succeed, try and try again, right? I suck and fail at life quite often, and times it surprises me when people give me a second chance or the time of day. I mean, it's more work for them, and I have already showed that I am a failure so idk why they are being so kind to me. ;A;
So thus, I would like to give everyone else a chance to do well if they failed somewhere down the line or said/did something that just is not cool in my book. There are limits to this, of course, some people just don't acknowledge when they push things too far and are not apologetic. I don't exactly forget every jerk incident out there, but I forgive them if they are honestly aware and want to change. I guess this gives me grief as well,because there are times where I am almost afraid of bringing bad news, like calling someone out for saying/doing something that irritates me. I absolutely hate confrontations of any sort, they are so tiring and take so much time. So in the end, I'm irritated at them for being a total butthole and myself for being too chicken-shit to say anything.
*flips tables at self* WAILT
day 10 - what you wore today yesterday
um...since there are two what did you wear questions, I'll do what did I wear yesterday. Yesterday I wore a red sweater over a cream top with dark jeans, converses and my black peacoat. It was chilly today so I also had my knit scarf/hat with me too
I have haggard panda eyes, so no selca lol.
You can pretend that this is me:
Why yes I am Victoria from f(x). Unnie is so pretty ;A;
day 11 - your siblings
I have two little brothers--twins named Adam and Bryan. I'm approximately three years older than they are and they of course like to bother me.
Bryan is the older one by a minute according to my mom. He is a hardcore stan of WWE Wrestling, Spongebob Squarepants, video games, and Miley Cyrus. He also loves spamming me things that I cannot stand---Twilight, HSM, Miley and other Disney idols... Bryan likes swimming and reading fantasy novels. Adam is the younger twin. He's a lot quieter than Bryan and prefers listening to classical music (he doesn't play anything tho), Disney movies, stanning McDonalds memorabilia, surfing the net, cartoons, and swimming.
My parents coddle them then they ever have me, but there is a reason for that.
What a lot of people don't know is that my brothers are autistic. They both are able to communicate at different degrees in both Chinese and English--Bryan is better in English and Adam is better in Chinese (that's from having my mom coddle him). And both are able to function at different levels in terms of life skills and uh, school taught skills. Bryan is better in both.
Why I keep my brothers autism on the down-low is...well it's because it's easier for me in the end. I have told a few people (outside of family) of it, but only those that I know and trust well enough. I don't tell everybody because I don't know if I will be able to deal with them if they say some offhand comment like "well your family is stupid, why can't they do __ or why didn't they try ____" or "wow does that mean your brothers are retarded?" or "you're making a big deal out of this, autism is not that big of a deal" . But the thing is, for me, it is a big deal and yes, I find the word "retard" very offensive.
They don't understand what my family has sacrificed in order to live with their Autism. Schooling is expensive, special diets are hard to work around, working with the asshole school district administration is always a hassle (they rather provide respite instead of, you know, actually putting forth the effort in teaching them anything), some of the behaviors can be troublesome in public, and the future is still a big unknown.
I'm not ashamed of them or their Autism, I like hanging out with them (you know, if they want to hang out with me lol) and going home to see them and my parents. I love my little bros because they make me want to both falcon-punch them in the gut for being so annoying and hug them when they are being sweet. I worry about them everyday, if they are happy at school, what they are up to, what their futures will be like, you know, when my parents pass. What will happen? I will take care of them, but what if I'm not good enough?
Perhaps I'm being too sensitive, but I can't help it.
day 12 - what's in your bag
I mostly carry my bookbag around for class these days. And I always wanted to do one of those idol type of 'what do you have in your bag...
so!:
day 13 - this week
This week, has been terrible for the most part :(
*throws self out a window*
day 14 - what you wore today
SINCE I'M A SLOB I'M STILL I AM WEARING MY GRAY FLEECE PAJAMAS. lol will probably dress once i make some food..or not ;P
OH WAIT LOOK AT KEYFACE INSTEAD IN HIS PJS.
SIGH KEYFACE IN HIS RED PJS, BEING PRETTIER AND MORE PHOTOGENIC THAN I WILL EVER BE.
sobbing. *punches him in the gut* why is he like this.
day 15 - your dreams
As in, what did I last dream of? Or my aspirations?
I dream of being happy. Of course this is a very very broad dream. I guess happiness entails being content with my life, what kind of job I have, where I living, everyone being healthy...if I can be a bit shallow (lol i almost typed shawol), I would like to be able to travel. Not let's-go-somewhere-new-and-different-every-few-weeks like my cousin Mei (I swear she lives at the freaking airport), but the idea of having enough time and being financially stable to would be nice. I want to have a type of job that I will have fun doing and staying close with my friends and family.
And I want a dog, Or a a cat. Persians are so cute, and I adore any kind of derpily happy dog.
Lately I have had some really creative dreams Maybe my mind is being extra crazy as of late I dunno. I had one earlier when I was dozing. I was dreaming that I was following Prof. Layton all around S.Korea looking for where Amber was hidden. I kept on wanting to go say hi to random idols (because they were wandering in the streets) and Layton kept on blocking me with these weird puzzles that I could not solve.
I ended up screaming at him "NO LAYTON. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY. I SEE BEAST FIVE FEET BEHIND YOU. YOU AND YOUR HAT CAN GTFO FOR A SECOND." He transformed into the tumblr troll face and I woke up.
Yeah my mind has been on something crazy.
day 16 - your first kiss
Lol no it wasn't fun or a happy memory. Because the guy was a complete and utter douchebag. He was everything I hate in a guy (or human being omg): pushy, disrespectful, cocky, creepy, brash, easily jealous, a bully, controlling, rude...He moved to our a school a few weeks in (because he was kicked out of his private school) and fairly quickly, started alienating himself from others from his personality/actions. I think he held himself to be better than "these stupid public school kids".
And of course, I was the girl he deemed worthy of his love. Oh good, douchey love. Nice. JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED! He practically stalked me around school, after school and actually unexpectedly came over to my house a few times. It turned out he was the son of a really close family friend of ours, and my grandmother adores his family, so I couldn't complain about him without causing some family drama (which is always unneeded).
Anyhoo, after I avoided him for a few weeks, he unexpectedly came to my house, sat on my front porch and would not leave. My parents were out at the time so I had to go out and tell him to shove off. He said that he wanted to apologize for being a jerk. I listened to him (because I was/am a naive idiot) and he used that moment to pull me in and planted one.
Yeah first kiss! To a douchebag! Such a happy memory! /sulks forever
Perhaps this is why my romance genes have been eternally turned off.
day 17 - your favorite memory
...can I be utterly shallow and say SM Town? LOL BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER FELT AS HAPPY AS I DID THEN. BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I WAS COMING OUT OF MY POST DEPRESSIVE STATE, SO IT'S BIASED? DDDD:
No in all honestly, SM Town is one of my happiest memories. Not necessarily because of the concert, but what that wonderful weekend represented. I felt...unburdened. I haven't felt so happy in ages..I felt so free and positive---like could accomplish anything I wanted--that everything was going to be okay. During the first half of last year, I was very unhappy---the manager at my job was practically breathing down my shoulder and picking on me for the littlest of things, Spring Quarter went terribly, I felt so inferior to all the business students, I was pretty sure the business school was pushing me to graduate as early as I can...I felt lost in that I didn't know what I was doing, or where I was going in life, I ignored a good bunch of my friends...and I hated myself for this negativity, but didn't know how to get out of it.
It's stupid, but the idea of seeing these skinny Korean idols singers gave me something to look forward to. Nothing else was going well in my life and I spent a good week, idk crying, but once I saw the official announcement I thought: I want to go to that. How do I get tickets to go to that? I want to be selfish and go to this, nevermind my stupid internship.
But really, that entire weekend, I was able to just be myself, forget about reality, and just have fun with my youth. I roamed around the streets of LA, got lost with Hannah, visited a beautiful beautiful art museum (LACMA), smelled the famous tar-pits, paid for the most expensive notebook ever, and lost my voice screaming my lungs off...it was wonderful. It was much shorter than expected, but it was really all I ever wanted.
I guess another happy memory (a less stupid one) is the night I first came back from college. I never saw such pride in my parents' eyes and how much my family missed me.
day 18 - your favorite birthday
I would have to say my favorite birthday was either my 21st or 16th. You know, the important birthdays lol.
My 16th birthday was wonderful in that I asked for my parents to throw a little party. I had a nice dinner with my friends at Golden Horse, and my parent me my favorite kind of cake---banana creme. I have loved it since childhood. And I had a wonderful time.
My 21st Birthday was wonderful because I didn't expect people to actually care lol. I forgot about it myself even. But my aunt and her family took me out for dinner and then my friends "surprised" me (because blabbermouth Liz told me ahead of time) with karaoke and then my first bar. It was fun and I had smashing evening. A few days later my work surprised me with a cake! This was when my manager still liked me and they bought me flowers too. Butter Rum Cake. ILU.
day 19 - something you regret
i regret not giving proper farewells to people that i can never see again.
i regret not being there for people when they needed me to be.
i regret being too chicken shit to reach out and take life by the reins
i sometimes regret choosing business as my major because i can never twist my personality to compete with these people.
WOW I TYPE A LOT. AND THAT TOOK LONGER THAN I EVER WANTED IT TO.
I AM FINALLY CAUGHT UP \O/
day 02 - your first love
day 03 - your parents
day 04 - what you ate today
day 05 - your definition of love
day 06 - your day
day 07 - your best friend
day 08 - a moment
day 09 - your beliefs
day 10 - what you wore today
day 11 - your siblings
day 12 - what's in your bag
day 13 - this week
day 14 - what you wore today
day 15 - your dreams
day 16 - your first kiss
day 17 - your favorite memory
day 18 - your favorite birthday
day 19 - something you regret
day 20 - this month
day 21 - another moment
day 22 - something that upsets you
day 23 - something that makes you feel better
day 24 - something that makes you cry
day 25 - a first
day 26 - your fears
day 27 - your favorite place
day 28 - something that you miss
day 29 - your aspirations
day 30 - one last moment
day 08 - a moment
Have you ever had a moment where it just feels weird to be alive? This is really hard to describe and not me being disturbing. But quite frequently as of late, I just stop everything and ponder how odd it is. I wonder "What if I'm not actually alive right now?", "Am I still asleep?" or "how real is this reality? Am I just insane and making everything up?" Overall I feel like my perceptions of what I see/feel/hear/taste is all in vain because nothing I do/say will make a difference in the end. I really can't describe this feeling. It is utterly weird. Thankfully I don't get it too often, mostly when I have nothing to do and my mind wanders, or those strange hours at night/in the morning when I'm halfway out of my mind. :C
day 09 - your beliefs
What do I believe in. What does this even mean? This is a very broad prompt and i don't know what exactly to write here haha. AND I DON'T WANT TO ESSAY MORE THAN I PROBABLY WILL.
I guess I believe in forgiving. Giving someone a second, third, forth, fifth etc chance until they succeed. If first you don't succeed, try and try again, right? I suck and fail at life quite often, and times it surprises me when people give me a second chance or the time of day. I mean, it's more work for them, and I have already showed that I am a failure so idk why they are being so kind to me. ;A;
So thus, I would like to give everyone else a chance to do well if they failed somewhere down the line or said/did something that just is not cool in my book. There are limits to this, of course, some people just don't acknowledge when they push things too far and are not apologetic. I don't exactly forget every jerk incident out there, but I forgive them if they are honestly aware and want to change. I guess this gives me grief as well,because there are times where I am almost afraid of bringing bad news, like calling someone out for saying/doing something that irritates me. I absolutely hate confrontations of any sort, they are so tiring and take so much time. So in the end, I'm irritated at them for being a total butthole and myself for being too chicken-shit to say anything.
*flips tables at self* WAILT
day 10 - what you wore today yesterday
um...since there are two what did you wear questions, I'll do what did I wear yesterday. Yesterday I wore a red sweater over a cream top with dark jeans, converses and my black peacoat. It was chilly today so I also had my knit scarf/hat with me too
I have haggard panda eyes, so no selca lol.
You can pretend that this is me:
Why yes I am Victoria from f(x). Unnie is so pretty ;A;
day 11 - your siblings
I have two little brothers--twins named Adam and Bryan. I'm approximately three years older than they are and they of course like to bother me.
Bryan is the older one by a minute according to my mom. He is a hardcore stan of WWE Wrestling, Spongebob Squarepants, video games, and Miley Cyrus. He also loves spamming me things that I cannot stand---Twilight, HSM, Miley and other Disney idols... Bryan likes swimming and reading fantasy novels. Adam is the younger twin. He's a lot quieter than Bryan and prefers listening to classical music (he doesn't play anything tho), Disney movies, stanning McDonalds memorabilia, surfing the net, cartoons, and swimming.
My parents coddle them then they ever have me, but there is a reason for that.
What a lot of people don't know is that my brothers are autistic. They both are able to communicate at different degrees in both Chinese and English--Bryan is better in English and Adam is better in Chinese (that's from having my mom coddle him). And both are able to function at different levels in terms of life skills and uh, school taught skills. Bryan is better in both.
Why I keep my brothers autism on the down-low is...well it's because it's easier for me in the end. I have told a few people (outside of family) of it, but only those that I know and trust well enough. I don't tell everybody because I don't know if I will be able to deal with them if they say some offhand comment like "well your family is stupid, why can't they do __ or why didn't they try ____" or "wow does that mean your brothers are retarded?" or "you're making a big deal out of this, autism is not that big of a deal" . But the thing is, for me, it is a big deal and yes, I find the word "retard" very offensive.
They don't understand what my family has sacrificed in order to live with their Autism. Schooling is expensive, special diets are hard to work around, working with the asshole school district administration is always a hassle (they rather provide respite instead of, you know, actually putting forth the effort in teaching them anything), some of the behaviors can be troublesome in public, and the future is still a big unknown.
I'm not ashamed of them or their Autism, I like hanging out with them (you know, if they want to hang out with me lol) and going home to see them and my parents. I love my little bros because they make me want to both falcon-punch them in the gut for being so annoying and hug them when they are being sweet. I worry about them everyday, if they are happy at school, what they are up to, what their futures will be like, you know, when my parents pass. What will happen? I will take care of them, but what if I'm not good enough?
Perhaps I'm being too sensitive, but I can't help it.
day 12 - what's in your bag
I mostly carry my bookbag around for class these days. And I always wanted to do one of those idol type of 'what do you have in your bag...
so!:
- my wallet, notice my university bus pass being glaringly bright orange
- my phone C:
- ipod and earbuds - this is what keeps me awake in the library lol
- nintendo dsi with prof layton game
- boring textbook - this is what I have to read for my management class. Alternates with my finance text and programming text
- Kafka on the Shore - by Haruki Murakami. Book borrowed from retrodreamer
- Finance Coursepack. This sucker cost $30 in itself. It consists about 50 pages of cases we have to analyze. :(
- Compact w/concealer. For when I look terribad (which is mostly)
- Combine Notebook for my notes and drawings
- File folder to hold all my handouts/hw
- Financial calculator
- Pencil pouch with a little chick on it.. Notice the blue stain from when one of my pens exploded.
- Organizer/planner. To write down tidbits. draw, and to do list
- Mary Kay hand cream.
- Hairbrush compact.
- USB Stick
- laptop + cord (not pictured)
day 13 - this week
This week, has been terrible for the most part :(
- Sunday was half nice. I had brunch with my cousins, cousin's girlfriend and her friends at this Xiao Long Bao restaurant in Bellevue. It was a bit pricier than places that I dined but delicious all the same. I ran away from them to study for my Finance Midterm with Nika....sobbed over how screwed we were lol.
- Spent the rest of Monday and half of Tuesday studying (or attempting to study since I didn't know how to study for this exam). The other half of Tuesday I quickly finished up two other assignments for my other classes.
- Wednesday I took my exam, pretty sure I bombed it ;A; Emoed about it with retrodreamer . Realized that I somehow was involved in girl drama. Oh gawd.
- Thursday I got back my assignment that I finished on Tuesday, got docked off points because I fail at reading comprehension :( Went out for Thai food and McFlurries with Lisa. Comfort fooooodddd. Oh and girl drama is still continuing C:
- Today I will go mope/study around the library and at cafes. Probably expect to do the same for the rest of the weekend.
*throws self out a window*
day 14 - what you wore today
SINCE I'M A SLOB I'M STILL I AM WEARING MY GRAY FLEECE PAJAMAS. lol will probably dress once i make some food..or not ;P
OH WAIT LOOK AT KEYFACE INSTEAD IN HIS PJS.
SIGH KEYFACE IN HIS RED PJS, BEING PRETTIER AND MORE PHOTOGENIC THAN I WILL EVER BE.
sobbing. *punches him in the gut* why is he like this.
day 15 - your dreams
As in, what did I last dream of? Or my aspirations?
I dream of being happy. Of course this is a very very broad dream. I guess happiness entails being content with my life, what kind of job I have, where I living, everyone being healthy...if I can be a bit shallow (lol i almost typed shawol), I would like to be able to travel. Not let's-go-somewhere-new-and-different-every-few-weeks like my cousin Mei (I swear she lives at the freaking airport), but the idea of having enough time and being financially stable to would be nice. I want to have a type of job that I will have fun doing and staying close with my friends and family.
And I want a dog, Or a a cat. Persians are so cute, and I adore any kind of derpily happy dog.
Lately I have had some really creative dreams Maybe my mind is being extra crazy as of late I dunno. I had one earlier when I was dozing. I was dreaming that I was following Prof. Layton all around S.Korea looking for where Amber was hidden. I kept on wanting to go say hi to random idols (because they were wandering in the streets) and Layton kept on blocking me with these weird puzzles that I could not solve.
I ended up screaming at him "NO LAYTON. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY. I SEE BEAST FIVE FEET BEHIND YOU. YOU AND YOUR HAT CAN GTFO FOR A SECOND." He transformed into the tumblr troll face and I woke up.
Yeah my mind has been on something crazy.
day 16 - your first kiss
Lol no it wasn't fun or a happy memory. Because the guy was a complete and utter douchebag. He was everything I hate in a guy (or human being omg): pushy, disrespectful, cocky, creepy, brash, easily jealous, a bully, controlling, rude...He moved to our a school a few weeks in (because he was kicked out of his private school) and fairly quickly, started alienating himself from others from his personality/actions. I think he held himself to be better than "these stupid public school kids".
And of course, I was the girl he deemed worthy of his love. Oh good, douchey love. Nice. JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED! He practically stalked me around school, after school and actually unexpectedly came over to my house a few times. It turned out he was the son of a really close family friend of ours, and my grandmother adores his family, so I couldn't complain about him without causing some family drama (which is always unneeded).
Anyhoo, after I avoided him for a few weeks, he unexpectedly came to my house, sat on my front porch and would not leave. My parents were out at the time so I had to go out and tell him to shove off. He said that he wanted to apologize for being a jerk. I listened to him (because I was/am a naive idiot) and he used that moment to pull me in and planted one.
Yeah first kiss! To a douchebag! Such a happy memory! /sulks forever
Perhaps this is why my romance genes have been eternally turned off.
day 17 - your favorite memory
...can I be utterly shallow and say SM Town? LOL BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER FELT AS HAPPY AS I DID THEN. BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I WAS COMING OUT OF MY POST DEPRESSIVE STATE, SO IT'S BIASED? DDDD:
No in all honestly, SM Town is one of my happiest memories. Not necessarily because of the concert, but what that wonderful weekend represented. I felt...unburdened. I haven't felt so happy in ages..I felt so free and positive---like could accomplish anything I wanted--that everything was going to be okay. During the first half of last year, I was very unhappy---the manager at my job was practically breathing down my shoulder and picking on me for the littlest of things, Spring Quarter went terribly, I felt so inferior to all the business students, I was pretty sure the business school was pushing me to graduate as early as I can...I felt lost in that I didn't know what I was doing, or where I was going in life, I ignored a good bunch of my friends...and I hated myself for this negativity, but didn't know how to get out of it.
It's stupid, but the idea of seeing these skinny Korean idols singers gave me something to look forward to. Nothing else was going well in my life and I spent a good week, idk crying, but once I saw the official announcement I thought: I want to go to that. How do I get tickets to go to that? I want to be selfish and go to this, nevermind my stupid internship.
But really, that entire weekend, I was able to just be myself, forget about reality, and just have fun with my youth. I roamed around the streets of LA, got lost with Hannah, visited a beautiful beautiful art museum (LACMA), smelled the famous tar-pits, paid for the most expensive notebook ever, and lost my voice screaming my lungs off...it was wonderful. It was much shorter than expected, but it was really all I ever wanted.
I guess another happy memory (a less stupid one) is the night I first came back from college. I never saw such pride in my parents' eyes and how much my family missed me.
day 18 - your favorite birthday
I would have to say my favorite birthday was either my 21st or 16th. You know, the important birthdays lol.
My 16th birthday was wonderful in that I asked for my parents to throw a little party. I had a nice dinner with my friends at Golden Horse, and my parent me my favorite kind of cake---banana creme. I have loved it since childhood. And I had a wonderful time.
My 21st Birthday was wonderful because I didn't expect people to actually care lol. I forgot about it myself even. But my aunt and her family took me out for dinner and then my friends "surprised" me (because blabbermouth Liz told me ahead of time) with karaoke and then my first bar. It was fun and I had smashing evening. A few days later my work surprised me with a cake! This was when my manager still liked me and they bought me flowers too. Butter Rum Cake. ILU.
day 19 - something you regret
i regret not giving proper farewells to people that i can never see again.
i regret not being there for people when they needed me to be.
i regret being too chicken shit to reach out and take life by the reins
i sometimes regret choosing business as my major because i can never twist my personality to compete with these people.
WOW I TYPE A LOT. AND THAT TOOK LONGER THAN I EVER WANTED IT TO.
I AM FINALLY CAUGHT UP \O/