words will hurt
all these little details are all the same, they have been done before and they will be repeated again. Nothing I do seems to be original anymore. Piercing my Monroe with a needle was a tad original; blood squirted and poured out of my mouth and amazingly it didn’t hurt. Mike said it was the adrenaline. Everything else, all the dates and days have all mushed together. Dan came home; we are friends in recovery. Mike and I hang out every day since we met Christmas ever, its ridiculous. Stanley, Pete and I met. Max had me over to his great view apartment. And I just downloaded DNTL. I finished registering for classes today, I start my first class tomorrow. My hair is green in places and horridly frizzed in others. I just feel like every day is the same as the last, and even though there are minor differences, none of it really excites me. Like, the movie, garden state, where he just sat and stared and the world didn’t faze him. The world doesn’t faze me and its somewhat depressing because I want to feel and be evoked. I want to feel something either then ok-ness. I used to be supremely happy, and then I met mike and max. I was so happy just being by myself and not caring. I would go and use guys and be happy because we both got what we wanted. I would come home and gush about it to Sarah who world be highly interested and then I would fall asleep in my rent free apartment. So was it really happiness that I even felt? Or was it disillusionment. My world was as great as the moment. I lived in the moment to the fullest possible extent, leaving behind any uncomfortable feelings or unfortunate situations. And now instead of living in the moment I am aware of my past and present. I am aware of others feelings which, might I add, is very uncomfortable. Because most of the time others feelings don’t put me in the picture, it leaves me out altogether, or puts me at a disadvantage. Its just basically not my first choice. But necessary and in the end somewhat good. Its me growing and realizing im not the center of the planet; it’s a tad frightening and unnerving. To be honest, I don’t like it. But I have friends now, friends that actually mean something to me, and friends that I will make sacrifices for. Are they worth it? I’m not exactly sure. Sarah is for certain; but the boys I am wary of. The situation as a whole has been quite unfair to me, but more then generous to the other parties. I feel a wee used, but isn’t that the essence of friendship? I really don’t want to grow up or accept responsibilities. I don’t want to gt a job and although I want to go to school im not sure if I want the responsibilities of being reliable. Im really afraid of commitment, im afraid I will let people down, mess things up and the sorts. Be somewhere at a certain time all the time frightens me, especially when it becomes personal; like being there for someone at all times. I don’t want to let people to get close enough to let me down, and I don’t want to get close enough to let others down. Overall, its completely silly, and if I lived life anything how I want to, I would do the things I was afraid of most.
ps. this color is changing to this color. radddd.
ps. this color is changing to this color. radddd.