get them something they cant throw away.
firsta nd foremost, my sister had her baby, Ella DeChantell Eddings, yesterday, Nov 25th at 2pm. its a healthy baby girl. Her boyfriend, Damien Eddings, was there with her through the whole ordeal. congrats.
Today I overheard people talking about what they want or Christmas and how they don’t know what on earth to get their loved ones. It made me ponder what I wanted for Christmas, and for that matter, what I was getting everyone else for Christmas. I went through the usual things that might be gifted to me; perfume, more makeup, a cool jacket, pearls, etc. and no matter what material possession I thought about, I did not desire any of them. So I thought, ‘what do I want?’ I want something that will never go out of fashion, never break, and never be used as a weapon. I want an experience. For Christmas I want someone to get me a memory; either a photo of us together, a plane ticket to somewhere else, or a night at the ballet. I knew for awhile now that material possessions had no real meaning to me, but today it was finally cemented into my brain; I could care less about stuff, what I really desire are memories and experiences. So then I went on to the next sticky subject, what am I going to get others? Very simply put, I want to get them something that they cant throw away.
I believe I have become a magnet for broken down women. Somehow, I run into these women, 40 and over, who have just lost their lives, that have no direction, that are the saddest creatures I have seen in my life, and they hang on to me, a 19 year old girl. How can these women, after 40 years of living, not know who they are, or for that matter, care about finding out. How can they be satisfied living in some run down apartment or in the back of their 80 year old mothers house. How can they be satisfied with their mundane looks, lackluster personalities, and dull jobs? How can they allow their dreams to fail them? Did they ever have dreams to begin with? Did they ever wonder who they were? Seeing all these broken down women has made me decide I’m not taking a step forward in my life until I figure out myself. It doesn’t matter if I lose everything, I want to loose everything and still be the same person. I still want to be able to stand beautifully and be eloquent despite my surroundings or situations. I’m not going to move forward in my life till I know that I will be ok with loosing everything. I’m not going to start my life until I know who I am, that way when things began to fill it up and complicate it ( such as boyfriends, jobs, schools, etc) I will not loose myself and I wont drown others. All these ladies began their life while still being incomplete, they looked for that relationship, that job, that outfit, to complete themselves, and when they finally got it, they destroyed it, because that was all they had to hold themselves up. They pulled so hard on it that it tore apart, they tore the very thing they wanted to shreds. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to be 40 and starting my life all over again. when I start something, I want to finish it, and I want it to be better then when I started with it. If I get into a relationship I want either a) to have the most amazing relationship that will last till the end of time and beyond, or b) to come out of the relationship as a better person and push my significant other into someone better as well. Either we both come out of it together, or we both come out of it better. And if and when I do get into a relationship, I don’t want it to control my life, I want to be an individual loving life with another individual. If I start a job I don’t want it to fill every ounce of my life, I want it only to enhance my life. Work is something you have to do to live, like pooping, thus it doesn’t mean that you should spend your whole life thinking about it and preparing for it. I want to be independent enough so that a job is just a job for me. When I get into school I want it only to enhance my knowledge, not change all my ideals from black to white. When I’m 40, life might deal me a difficult set of cards, but never, never will I lie on my back and take it. If I’m poor and single, so be it, I will do it in style. I will have a small loft apartment but it will be my own, it wont be supported by my boyfriend or mother, it wont be messy and full of a distraught life. It will be neat and orderly and full of life. You never grow old, you just get weathered.
Today I overheard people talking about what they want or Christmas and how they don’t know what on earth to get their loved ones. It made me ponder what I wanted for Christmas, and for that matter, what I was getting everyone else for Christmas. I went through the usual things that might be gifted to me; perfume, more makeup, a cool jacket, pearls, etc. and no matter what material possession I thought about, I did not desire any of them. So I thought, ‘what do I want?’ I want something that will never go out of fashion, never break, and never be used as a weapon. I want an experience. For Christmas I want someone to get me a memory; either a photo of us together, a plane ticket to somewhere else, or a night at the ballet. I knew for awhile now that material possessions had no real meaning to me, but today it was finally cemented into my brain; I could care less about stuff, what I really desire are memories and experiences. So then I went on to the next sticky subject, what am I going to get others? Very simply put, I want to get them something that they cant throw away.
I believe I have become a magnet for broken down women. Somehow, I run into these women, 40 and over, who have just lost their lives, that have no direction, that are the saddest creatures I have seen in my life, and they hang on to me, a 19 year old girl. How can these women, after 40 years of living, not know who they are, or for that matter, care about finding out. How can they be satisfied living in some run down apartment or in the back of their 80 year old mothers house. How can they be satisfied with their mundane looks, lackluster personalities, and dull jobs? How can they allow their dreams to fail them? Did they ever have dreams to begin with? Did they ever wonder who they were? Seeing all these broken down women has made me decide I’m not taking a step forward in my life until I figure out myself. It doesn’t matter if I lose everything, I want to loose everything and still be the same person. I still want to be able to stand beautifully and be eloquent despite my surroundings or situations. I’m not going to move forward in my life till I know that I will be ok with loosing everything. I’m not going to start my life until I know who I am, that way when things began to fill it up and complicate it ( such as boyfriends, jobs, schools, etc) I will not loose myself and I wont drown others. All these ladies began their life while still being incomplete, they looked for that relationship, that job, that outfit, to complete themselves, and when they finally got it, they destroyed it, because that was all they had to hold themselves up. They pulled so hard on it that it tore apart, they tore the very thing they wanted to shreds. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to be 40 and starting my life all over again. when I start something, I want to finish it, and I want it to be better then when I started with it. If I get into a relationship I want either a) to have the most amazing relationship that will last till the end of time and beyond, or b) to come out of the relationship as a better person and push my significant other into someone better as well. Either we both come out of it together, or we both come out of it better. And if and when I do get into a relationship, I don’t want it to control my life, I want to be an individual loving life with another individual. If I start a job I don’t want it to fill every ounce of my life, I want it only to enhance my life. Work is something you have to do to live, like pooping, thus it doesn’t mean that you should spend your whole life thinking about it and preparing for it. I want to be independent enough so that a job is just a job for me. When I get into school I want it only to enhance my knowledge, not change all my ideals from black to white. When I’m 40, life might deal me a difficult set of cards, but never, never will I lie on my back and take it. If I’m poor and single, so be it, I will do it in style. I will have a small loft apartment but it will be my own, it wont be supported by my boyfriend or mother, it wont be messy and full of a distraught life. It will be neat and orderly and full of life. You never grow old, you just get weathered.