The Play We Wrote
I knew that Erica had this posted to her journal from like, a year ago, and I couldn't remember if I ever posted it in mine. This is the play we wrote together that is, if I do say so myself, artistic splendor. We wrote it, I believe in 1996 or 1997, well before either of us had done any drugs, so we are solely culpable for its existence. Revel in its irreverent glory, its absurdist genius. But please, remember that it is, in fact, under copywrite.
So please enjoy:
"The Play We Wrote When We Didn’t Have Anything To Do, And We Were Bored, So We Decided To Write A Play, Whose Plot Was All My Idea"
(FYI: I am Alabastra; Erica is Calcetine, and I have no memory as to who Venus is.)
I-1
ACT I
SCENE 1
Both Alabastra and Calcetine are present. Dirty dishes, ashtray and used napkins on the table before them. Calcetine wears socks, but no shoes.
CALCETINE
No, not there. Buh buh buh. Write it down there! That man ganked me! Go jack him in his jaw. Tell him if he doesn’t move, I’m going to spike him in his eye. Move spike eye! Move!
ALABASTRA
Stop rambling and get back to the subject.
CALCETINE
What was the subject?
ALABASTRA
I don’t know. Decide on one.
CALCETINE
Why are we sitting in the gay and lesbian section?
ALABASTRA
What? What gay and lesbian section? There is no gay and lesbian section in Fazoli’s!
CALCETINE
Then why are we at Fazoli’s?
ALABASTRA
Why? Are you gay and lesbian?
CALCETINE
No. Why?
ALABASTRA
What?
CALCETINE
What?
I-2
ALABASTRA
What gave you that idea? Buh buh buh?
CALCETINE
What idea?
ALABASTRA
The idea that we are sitting in the gay and lesbian section of Fazoli’s Real Italian Real Fast . . .
CALCETINE
What? There is no gay and lesbian section of Fazoli’s Real Italian Real Fast . . .
ALABASTRA
Wuh . . . Then why did you say it?
CALCETINE
Oh. Because . . . I saw them there two men.
ALABASTRA
That’s not a man, that’s a woman.
CALCETINE
Which one?
ALABASTRA
The other one.
CALCETINE
(Downtrodden)
O.
(A pen hurtles through the air, lands on booth next to Calcetine.)
ALABASTRA
Whadda heyuw? What was that?
CALCETINE
A pencil. A red one.
ALABASTRA
Really? Why?
I-3
CALCETINE
What do you mean why? Because it isn’t blue or green, that’s why.
ALABASTRA
(Frustrated. Makes the word “no” last six seconds.)
No! I mean why is it there? How did it get there?
CALCETINE
Oh.
(Pauses.)
Through the air.
(Pauses.)
I suppose it was a gift.
ALABASTRA
A gift? From who?
CALCETINE
The gods.
(Pause.)
Or maybe that gay couple.
ALABASTRA
What gay couple?
CALCETINE
That one over there.
ALABASTRA
The one with that man?
CALCETINE
And the woman.
ALABASTRA
Oh.
CALCETINE
Was that an oh with an oh or an oh with just an o?
ALABASTRA
Oh.
I-4
CALCETINE
Ah.
ALABASTRA
Let’s consult our “Deluxe Manual on how to repair Golden Cymbals.”
CALCETINE
Why? Is that a cymbal with a clang clang or the symbol for man-woman that was formerly known as the artist named Prince?
ALABASTRA
Cymbals with a clang clang.
CALCETINE
Oh. I don’t have any of that kind.
ALABASTRA
Did you have any of the other kind?
CALCETINE
No.
ALABASTRA
(Laughingly)
Then why did you ask like you always do Kristy? Or should I call you Alabastra?
CALCETINE
But Alabastra is your name.
ALABASTRA
(Proud of herself, draws out the words for three seconds apiece.)
Aw Yeah.
(Alabastra and Calcetine stand up, move away from the booth, grasp hands and spin in circles while Alabastra chants “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” over and over in a monotone.)
CALCETINE
Stop that.
ALABASTRA
What? This?
I-5
CALCETINE
Yeah. People will think we are gay and lesbian.
ALABASTRA
Oh buh buh buh. And, of course, we wouldn’t want that.
CALCETINE
No, that we wouldn’t. Then that gay man might ask you out. He might ask me out!
ALABASTRA
Aw, and you want me all to yourself? Buh buh buh! But alas, he has a girl. Besides, you can’t attract a straight man, let alone a gay man!
CALCETINE
All the good ones are taken.
ALABASTRA
Yeah. Sigh.
(During a long pause, Calcetine nibbles napkin. Alabastra taps red pencil/pen. Venus enters, her crimson cape flapping behind her as she stands in the wind filled doorway.)
Yo Venus! Shall we contort?
VENUS
Aww kitty kitty!
(Contort contort contort.)
CALCETINE
Whahm!
(Contort contort contort.)
ALABASTRA
We be contortin’! We be contortin’ like a mug!
(Contorting continues for some time in a still Fazoli’s.)
VENUS
(Shouting)
Stop! Halt! Desist!
I-6
ALABASTRA
And, uh, what if I keeps moving? Hmm? What you finna do?
VENUS
(Clucks her tongue good naturedly)
Wait, why are we fighting? We are friends!
(Cheesy 'Step By Step' Lesson Well Learned music swells to fill the stage. Calcetine breaks into song, repeating the word from in a musical fashion.)
ALABASTRA
I
(Pauses to pant)
am
(Pauses to pant)
so
(Pauses to pant)
tired.
(Pauses to pant. Deep breath.)
Can we please sit back down?
(Releases breath loudly.)
CALCETINE
From from from from from from from from from from from from
VENUS
Fine!
(Seats herself with a flourish. Silent still pause.)
Now what? I’m bored. It’s just not right. Not here, not now. And why are these dishes here? Why don’t they clear them away? Where is everyone? Where’s the check?
ALABASTRA
The check?
CALCETINE
We have to pay?
VENUS
Did you think they would pay you?
(Gesturing off stage, snapping fingers.)
Hello? Check? Check? Che-eck! Hell-oo . . . isn’t anyone here? Who served you? Are they still here?
I-7
CALCETINE
Serve us what? We haven’t even ordered yet.
ALABASTRA
We just sat here.
VENUS
(Chokes.)
Guhhg.
(Flops head down on table in disgust.)
CALCETINE
(Leans in to the audience. All lights go out save for spotlight on Calcetine.)
Why? Why must it always end like this? A stupid conversation. Words are said. Venus flops her head down in disgust. It is an endless cycle. It never ends. That’s what endless means! It repeats itself over and over. That’s what cycle means! Why? Why me? Why us? Will the torment never end? No, it is endless!
(Dramatic pause.)
Sigh.
(Lights come back up.)
ALABASTRA
Why must you always be so melodramatic?
VENUS
(From beneath hair, still face down on the table.)
Let’s get out of here.
(All three stand up. Much clattering of dishes to floor, throwing of cups off stage and knocking over chairs and tables. Exit as one. Cast weaves in and out, seemingly with no real purpose or sense of direction.
Blackout.)
Note to readers: Please do not reproduce. This piece of Classic American Literature is under copywrite. Enjoy in the privacy of yo' own home. Word.
So please enjoy:
"The Play We Wrote When We Didn’t Have Anything To Do, And We Were Bored, So We Decided To Write A Play, Whose Plot Was All My Idea"
(FYI: I am Alabastra; Erica is Calcetine, and I have no memory as to who Venus is.)
I-1
ACT I
SCENE 1
Both Alabastra and Calcetine are present. Dirty dishes, ashtray and used napkins on the table before them. Calcetine wears socks, but no shoes.
CALCETINE
No, not there. Buh buh buh. Write it down there! That man ganked me! Go jack him in his jaw. Tell him if he doesn’t move, I’m going to spike him in his eye. Move spike eye! Move!
ALABASTRA
Stop rambling and get back to the subject.
CALCETINE
What was the subject?
ALABASTRA
I don’t know. Decide on one.
CALCETINE
Why are we sitting in the gay and lesbian section?
ALABASTRA
What? What gay and lesbian section? There is no gay and lesbian section in Fazoli’s!
CALCETINE
Then why are we at Fazoli’s?
ALABASTRA
Why? Are you gay and lesbian?
CALCETINE
No. Why?
ALABASTRA
What?
CALCETINE
What?
I-2
ALABASTRA
What gave you that idea? Buh buh buh?
CALCETINE
What idea?
ALABASTRA
The idea that we are sitting in the gay and lesbian section of Fazoli’s Real Italian Real Fast . . .
CALCETINE
What? There is no gay and lesbian section of Fazoli’s Real Italian Real Fast . . .
ALABASTRA
Wuh . . . Then why did you say it?
CALCETINE
Oh. Because . . . I saw them there two men.
ALABASTRA
That’s not a man, that’s a woman.
CALCETINE
Which one?
ALABASTRA
The other one.
CALCETINE
(Downtrodden)
O.
(A pen hurtles through the air, lands on booth next to Calcetine.)
ALABASTRA
Whadda heyuw? What was that?
CALCETINE
A pencil. A red one.
ALABASTRA
Really? Why?
I-3
CALCETINE
What do you mean why? Because it isn’t blue or green, that’s why.
ALABASTRA
(Frustrated. Makes the word “no” last six seconds.)
No! I mean why is it there? How did it get there?
CALCETINE
Oh.
(Pauses.)
Through the air.
(Pauses.)
I suppose it was a gift.
ALABASTRA
A gift? From who?
CALCETINE
The gods.
(Pause.)
Or maybe that gay couple.
ALABASTRA
What gay couple?
CALCETINE
That one over there.
ALABASTRA
The one with that man?
CALCETINE
And the woman.
ALABASTRA
Oh.
CALCETINE
Was that an oh with an oh or an oh with just an o?
ALABASTRA
Oh.
I-4
CALCETINE
Ah.
ALABASTRA
Let’s consult our “Deluxe Manual on how to repair Golden Cymbals.”
CALCETINE
Why? Is that a cymbal with a clang clang or the symbol for man-woman that was formerly known as the artist named Prince?
ALABASTRA
Cymbals with a clang clang.
CALCETINE
Oh. I don’t have any of that kind.
ALABASTRA
Did you have any of the other kind?
CALCETINE
No.
ALABASTRA
(Laughingly)
Then why did you ask like you always do Kristy? Or should I call you Alabastra?
CALCETINE
But Alabastra is your name.
ALABASTRA
(Proud of herself, draws out the words for three seconds apiece.)
Aw Yeah.
(Alabastra and Calcetine stand up, move away from the booth, grasp hands and spin in circles while Alabastra chants “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” over and over in a monotone.)
CALCETINE
Stop that.
ALABASTRA
What? This?
I-5
CALCETINE
Yeah. People will think we are gay and lesbian.
ALABASTRA
Oh buh buh buh. And, of course, we wouldn’t want that.
CALCETINE
No, that we wouldn’t. Then that gay man might ask you out. He might ask me out!
ALABASTRA
Aw, and you want me all to yourself? Buh buh buh! But alas, he has a girl. Besides, you can’t attract a straight man, let alone a gay man!
CALCETINE
All the good ones are taken.
ALABASTRA
Yeah. Sigh.
(During a long pause, Calcetine nibbles napkin. Alabastra taps red pencil/pen. Venus enters, her crimson cape flapping behind her as she stands in the wind filled doorway.)
Yo Venus! Shall we contort?
VENUS
Aww kitty kitty!
(Contort contort contort.)
CALCETINE
Whahm!
(Contort contort contort.)
ALABASTRA
We be contortin’! We be contortin’ like a mug!
(Contorting continues for some time in a still Fazoli’s.)
VENUS
(Shouting)
Stop! Halt! Desist!
I-6
ALABASTRA
And, uh, what if I keeps moving? Hmm? What you finna do?
VENUS
(Clucks her tongue good naturedly)
Wait, why are we fighting? We are friends!
(Cheesy 'Step By Step' Lesson Well Learned music swells to fill the stage. Calcetine breaks into song, repeating the word from in a musical fashion.)
ALABASTRA
I
(Pauses to pant)
am
(Pauses to pant)
so
(Pauses to pant)
tired.
(Pauses to pant. Deep breath.)
Can we please sit back down?
(Releases breath loudly.)
CALCETINE
From from from from from from from from from from from from
VENUS
Fine!
(Seats herself with a flourish. Silent still pause.)
Now what? I’m bored. It’s just not right. Not here, not now. And why are these dishes here? Why don’t they clear them away? Where is everyone? Where’s the check?
ALABASTRA
The check?
CALCETINE
We have to pay?
VENUS
Did you think they would pay you?
(Gesturing off stage, snapping fingers.)
Hello? Check? Check? Che-eck! Hell-oo . . . isn’t anyone here? Who served you? Are they still here?
I-7
CALCETINE
Serve us what? We haven’t even ordered yet.
ALABASTRA
We just sat here.
VENUS
(Chokes.)
Guhhg.
(Flops head down on table in disgust.)
CALCETINE
(Leans in to the audience. All lights go out save for spotlight on Calcetine.)
Why? Why must it always end like this? A stupid conversation. Words are said. Venus flops her head down in disgust. It is an endless cycle. It never ends. That’s what endless means! It repeats itself over and over. That’s what cycle means! Why? Why me? Why us? Will the torment never end? No, it is endless!
(Dramatic pause.)
Sigh.
(Lights come back up.)
ALABASTRA
Why must you always be so melodramatic?
VENUS
(From beneath hair, still face down on the table.)
Let’s get out of here.
(All three stand up. Much clattering of dishes to floor, throwing of cups off stage and knocking over chairs and tables. Exit as one. Cast weaves in and out, seemingly with no real purpose or sense of direction.
Blackout.)
Note to readers: Please do not reproduce. This piece of Classic American Literature is under copywrite. Enjoy in the privacy of yo' own home. Word.