Techno-Lust
Techno-Lust
So the awesome thing about having a big old cell phone, is the fact that…..well...it's big.
It’s heavy. It’s a behemoth. If you get mugged on the street, the pickpocketer will laugh at you, the pickpocketee, and shove it back into yon pocket. Then, she will pat you on the head and run off laughing. The pickpocketer is a 17 year old cheerleader in this scenario.
You will never lose the thing, as you will always know if it is with you. Hop on a scale. Go ahead. Are you 2 pounds lighter? Guess you left your cellphone on your desk. Is there a pep in your step? Your cellphone must be next to your Cup O’ Noodles. Do you have a bad aftertaste in your mouth? You are chewing on your cellphone. Stop that.
So as you can see, there are many bonuses to having a big, old cellphone.
I like to remind myself of this whenever my big, old cellphone vibrates hard enough to rupture my spleen while I am doing important activities. Two days ago, this important activity was playing Bioshock. I was trying to find pieces of a big daddy, when an earthquake happened in my pants.
I paused the game and whipped out my cellphone. The biceps in my right arm rippled like…rippling ripples. The daily cell phone weight training was paying off. I flicked the cellphone open to see something strange:
[867-5309]
Now, this is not the actual number that appeared on my phone. That would be ridonkulous. But the number that did appear was a number that I did not know.
There are few things in this world scarier on your cellphone than a number you don’t know. Do you answer it? Do you leave it? Do you hope that said person leaves a message on your voicemail, that you will check 3 weeks later? What if it’s a family member in trouble? What if it’s future you, trying to warn you of dangers? What if it’s one of those Japanese ghost that haunt old cell phones? Heck I live in Japan! It could be that!
Luckily for me, I did not have to deal with any of these issues. As the below the number was an envelope. Not a for real one ya loon! An icon of one.
Now this unveiled some mysteries for me. The fact that I had an email, not an SMS means that the person who texted me may be unknown, but they have the same cell phone company. And that company is probably Softbank…why? Because that’s the company I use. Try to keep up now. We are getting to the point of this tale.
So now I know that this bloke…if it’s a bloke….knows me. And knows I have a Softbank phone most likely…or they would have sent it to my email address. Strangeness. I decided that Bioshock would have to wait, and pressed that round button on my phone, in between the “Y!” button to activate a certain company’s browswer and the “picture of an envelope” button used to write an email. The following message popped up on my screen:
Hi, Nick! How are You!
I’m fine.
Today I want to decide it because of each other. They are the following things.
I claim 500 yen evelytime you are taken my car.
Don’t you angly.I like you!
I hope for the thing that you agree to.
Sincerely yours,
Name Omitted.
And that is word for word by the way. Except for the name omitted part of course. I did that.
The thing was, when I looked at the name…it didn’t help. At all. As this was a name I was unfamiliar with. And the message itself was a mystery.
- Who’s car am I taking? Have I been taking cars?
- Because of each other…..umm..what?
- He…likes me? Huh?!?!?
I used my thinker to think, and after more time than it should of taken, I sussed it out. I had a chuckle and wrote back that it was no problem. Guess what time it is folks? Flashback time.
4 Months Prior
I have this class that I teach once a month in Utazu. Utazu is a 45 minute bike ride from my apartment. No sweat, right? Wrong. You see, I have to go to this class at 7:15pm. Not sweating yet? After my normal working hours. From my normal working job. Which in itself takes 30 minutes to get to from my home. On days like this, I end up biking usually a minimum of about 3 hours. Sweat.
Now, I usually don’t mind doing this so much…unless it is cold and rainy. Four months ago it was cold and rainy.
Class ended and I looked outside with fear. I had no rain coat. I had no umbrella. It looked craaptastic outside. It looked like “Nick I Take You!”
Huh?
I looked behind me to see, George. George is a Japanese man in my class that likes to go by George. I was unsure of his real name, as the first day I met him he said “My name is toofasttohearmuttermumblystumblypeg but please call me George!” He liked the name George, so George it was.
George has a big gray van. Several shades away from a dangerous molstermobile.
I agreed that him taking me was a good idea, as long as he meant give me a ride home taking and not that other kind of taking…in which case a cold rainy bike ride would be preferable.
As I rode with George in his car, I thanked him a lot and offered him money for gas. It was a 20 minute ride and thought I should at least offer. He refused saying it was his pleasure. He dropped me off at the grocery store near my house, and I bid him adieu.
…
The following months the scenario repeated itself minus the rain. A nice ride home with me offering money and him refusing no matter how much I tried. He would play Bruce Springsteen songs in the car, and I would get a warm, free ride home. Not too bad of a system right?
….
Well now we are back to me chuckling and sending that it’s no problem on the cellphone. I’m chuckling because, it actually is no problem, and I cannot imagine how I would get “angly” over paying him 500 yen….fare less than a train, or a cab, or even a flight back to my apartment.
With a chuckle I closed my phone and squinted at it a bit. It’s a heavy black beast that has served me well for the past two years. We have shared awesome times together…like that time we got that message from George! And that time it randomly shut off when I was firing up the browser! And that time it killed my spleen when it rang! And that time…
……
……….
And that is when it hit me. My phone is a big, old cell phone. It’s big and it’s old. I could be walking around with a slim, stylish phone that makes me look like a business man named Greasyhair McDealins! I could have a phone that when I use it, makes other cellphones quake in fear from it’s awesomeness. I could have a phone that pickpocketeers would want to steal. Wouldn’t that be awesome?
“….meh. there are more important things in this life than cellphones”, supposed I. I tossed it on my couch and went back to playing Bioshock….
Yet it’s still there in my head. The thought of a new cellphone. Swimming around to and fro….taunting me with bleeps, clicks, and bleeicks. It’s techno-lust, and I shall have to wait for it to pass. And pass it shall.
….or at least I hope it does. Now if you excuse me, I need to do some phone assisted power lifts.
Addendum: many of you have asked me about the follow up to the last article/entry/writeup/life report. I have written three versions of it..and it all sounded whiny. I have decided I will splice it together with other chinpira entries I have into a Super Yankee Chinpira Entry of Doom. For the sake of posterity. Or prosperity. Maybe I can prosper from it. Can one prosper from chinpira? Hmmm…..