confused minds, part5 (UruhaXKai)
Name: Confused minds
Author: Mizuki (with other words, me^^)
Band: Gazette
Pairing: UruhaXKai, KaiX?(mentions of UruhaXAoi and ReitaXRuki)
Rating: pg-13/R ??(I'm not sure>.>)
Chapter: 5/?
Disclaimer: I don’t own anyone in this fic…*sobs*
Notes: again, i had kinda trouble with writing the second half of this fic. Maybe it´s some kind of writers blok? -_-;
Summary: Kai and his lover break up. But the things he told Kai in their last conversation makes Kai feel confused. Does Uruha really love him, more than just close friends. Or was his ex-lover playing a trick on him??
Previous parts: Part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4
Every time I came home on the days that followed, I would find Kai sitting in front of the window with that necklace in his hands.
Unlike the first time, he wasn’t crying. No instead he seemed deep in thoughts, a confused look plastered on his face.
That black box was still standing on the same spot, while I thought he wanted to get rid of it.
“Kai?.....I-I thought you wanted to destroy that black box and everything within?” I finally decide to ask.
Kai looks up at and smiles slight.
“No. I won’t try to forget the good times I had. I’m not going to cling on to the memories, but I won’t try to forget.
He did nothing wrong. He just…he just stopped loving me.
It’s…it’s no surprise…no one would ever be able to love me for more than a few years anyway."
“Kai…that’s…That’s not true…” I, Kai, I loved you for so many years, and it’s only getting stronger, I want to say. But I know I can’t.
Kai watches me, looking more confused than he ever looked over the past days.
“S-so what are you going to do with the box then??” I decide to change the subject.
He looks down at the necklace in his hands.
“Nothing. yet….”He tells me, his hand closes around the key.
“why??”
I am confused, why not yet?
What is keeping him from doing anything with it??
“Because I first have to find some answers. I first have to solve something.”
I nod slightly, taken aback by the strong and determined tone in his voice.
“let me know if I can help you” I say soft, sitting down next to him.
“I will” He replies as he leans against me. I wrap my arms around him and sigh soft. I wish I could just hold him like this forever. Just be able to kiss him. Just make him feel better again.
But at the same time, I’m afraid. Afraid that he might start to like me as well. Afraid that if we would get into a relation, I would find out my feelings where only temporarily and hurt him.
I don’t want to hurt him.
I would kill myself if I did.
I sigh again. What can I do?
If I keep distance between us I would hurt him and damage our close friendship…
If I would confess, he could turn me down, and our friendship would be ruined too.
He could say he likes me too. But I could find out my love was just a crush. And hurt him and damage our friendship too.
He could say he loves me too, and we would be happy ever after. But that’s just wishful thinking…
Only one option left.
Just wait.
Just remain close friends.
Yes remain close friends no matter what.
So I can always be there for him when someone hurt him.
But I don’t want him to get hurt in the first place. I want to protect him from getting hurt.
I groaned slightly, my thoughts are a mess and I can’t think straight.
“Uruha?? You’re okay??”
I look up surprised. Ah right, I am still sitting next to him.
“Yeah I’m okay, don’t worry”
~~~~~~
My hands against the cold surface of the window.
It’s raining outside.
The events of a few weeks ago, repeating in my head.
I Sigh and sit back at my desk again. I wonder how my mood managed to change so abruptly.
This morning I was totally fine when Uruha left to go shopping with Aoi.
One of my hands moves up to wrap around my neck. Frowning slightly I wrap my other hand around my neck as well. How can people get killed this way? How come that I don’t feel any pain and that I can still breathe normal. I let my hands fall down again.
Where did this urge to hurt myself come from??
I stare at the scissors on my table. I could cut myself… see how much it hurts…see if it lessens my other pains… Not my wrists of course, somewhere, some place, where others won’t see.
My hand reaches out, but before I can touch the object, I snap my hand back.
The tears that threatened to fall, are now running uncontrollable over my cheeks.
I feel so scared. Since when did I started to think about hurting myself..
Since when did I started to think about even trying.
I’m scared, scared of myself. A quiet sob leaves my lips.
How come, that when I need support the most, no ones there.
How come, that when I need my friends, no ones around.
I will myself to calm down again. Silently wiping away my tears as I rush out of my room, walking, no almost running to the phone. With shaking fingers I dial Uruha’s phone number.
“please pick up” I mutter.
“beep…
beep…
beep…
Hey! This is Uruha, at the moment I’m to busy to answer the phone, please leave a message after-“ I curse softly. Why doesn’t he pick up. Next is Aoi’s number, since I know they are together.
“This number is unavailable” Another curse leaves my mouth. Why is his phone turned off, his phone is never turned off…
Okay next, please let Reita be there and pick up the phone.
“Moshi moshi??”
“Rei-kun?”
“Kai-kun?”
“Hai”
“What’s up??”
I cough softly, clearing my voice. ”Nothing much, I-I was wondering if you wanted to hang out toni-“
“I’m sorry Kai-kun, I’m already going out with Ruki in a few minutes” He interrupts me.
“O-Okay…sorry for bothering you, bye”
“Kai,wait-“
I didn’t let him finish his sentence as I ended the conversation.
Tears are stinging in my eyes again. I’m scared of being alone now.
I’m scared that I might hurt myself, do something that I’ll regret later.
Where...where is everyone…
~~~~~~
I’m laying on my bed, my face turned to the window, watching the dark night. It stopped raining.
My stomach grumbles, but I won’t allow myself to cook something. I won’t allow myself to go into that kitchen with so many sharp objects.
Uruha isn’t home yet. I wonder what’s taken him so long. Lately he and Aoi got really close.
I wonder…
I wonder if they have a relation…
It wouldn’t be to weird.
Maybe Uruha doesn’t love me after all. Maybe I just thought wrong. Maybe he just lied, hoping that it would ruin the friendship between me and Uruha…
I have to laugh at that. Of course he doesn’t love me. Who would love me anyway?? Which crazy person would fall in love with me??
I hope he’s happy with Aoi.
I thought I felt nothing more than just friendship for Uruha.
But tell me..
tell me why..
do I feel so disappointed
so sad
so…..betrayed…
“Kai? “My head snap up, Uruha is standing in the doorway, giving me a worried look.
He must’ve seen my tears strained face, cause the next thing I knew he was hugging me.
Just hold me, even if it’s just for now.
Just don’t let me go
I wonder…
I think…He means more than a friend to me…
No, I can’t do without him now…
~~~~~~
Is it love?? Or just a crush??
~~~~~~
Check my fanfic archive for more of my writings