More musings on learning to have and respect healthy boundaries

[kije]

Maestrodog's response to my prior posting was so thought provoking that I wanted to make a more detailed response as another post. Here it is:

Comments

[maestrodog]

I find all your responses interesting. Some more things to think about:

I understand the urge to "retreat as quickly as possible" when you feel you have crossed a boundary. But I think that borders on "taking it personally". My gut reaction to such a retreat would be an immediate bad feeling that I'd hurt the person's feelings or committed some personal transgression on them. Remember that crossing a boundary does not mean you are doing anything wrong and does not make you a less loveable person. It simply means a little more communication is warranted. Instead, it's better to acknowledge the person's boundary, verbally or nonverbally, with an "I understand and respect you" attitude, instead of with chagrin or obvious disappointment.

I understand you're coming from a difficult position with relationship inexperience and ADD in addition. But people blunder in relationships all the time. I made lots of horrible mistakes in my last relationship, causing it to end disastrously. But I made a point to learn from them and took those experiences into my current relationship. And guess what...I still mess up sometimes.

I also have to agree with runeshower that doing something after someone tells you YES is not "crossing a boundary." Distrusting a "yes" I understand, and that is a big fear to overcome, and I wish you good luck (BTW, your story about the dance, I've been there too, I'll tell you about that another time).

[p3aches]

Kije didn't say he did something after getting a yes. This is a difficult concept to put words to. If you disbelieve their yes,and dont follow up on the yes, Ie asking did the person want to go another step farther you risk taking away that persons choice, having choice taken away by unasked follow up questions is a boundry crossing.