People get annoyed when one cries, bitches, and moans, but no one listens when one just talks.
I'm back in my country, returning victorious in some ways, and a beaten mongrel in others. I promise to have pictures as soon as I get them developed. (Mom's digital camera puttered out on me, so I had to photograph stuff the old fashioned way.) I got Falcon punched with a spectrum of feelings on the way back, and what do writers do when they feel? Here's a hint, it rhymes with 'fight'.
I've probably said it before, but I haven't really been out of my state in seventeen years. So going somewhere like Chicago by myself is weird and unusual. I can't claim that my reasons for heading out there were exclusively for the anime central con, but to protect the innocent, I won't be name dropping.
Anyway, as I've already written in previous entries, the trip was fun, and it definitely changed my perception towards travel. I don't have the type of time or money to go plane hopping every month, but I hope to at least go out of state more often. On the way home however, I started to really question my lifestyle as well.
I...am painfully shy. The type of shy that probably could kill in high doses. For a long time, I thought all I needed was a bright monitor screen on dark nights, and a sort of warped sense of self worth. Instead, I've discovered something slightly more disturbing about myself. Turns out that I'm actually a fairly lonely guy.
All sisters no brothers, all women at both jobs I work, and these gals are old enough to have kids my age. Not to say that I'm bored out of my mind, because they're great, but as far as someone who gets me, I don't really have a person like that.
Considering my age and disposition, I thought it was the whole 'Dude you're twenty-five, and haven't even been on a date yet'. angle working for me...but after certain events I'm rethinking that stance. 'Cause honestly I don't think I want love. I'm seeking something more primal, more basic.
To be understood.
I guess after having a net friendship with someone, and then meeting them, it's kind of hard to go back to just having a net friendship again. That's not to say that it isn't possible. It just makes me realize that I'd like someone who I have a deep friendship like that near me. (If it just so happens that they're a hot girl, that's just a bonus!) I enjoyed being able to talk about EVERYTHING with someone this week. (Most of my RL friends don't even know I have an LJ much less write or translate or do...anything of the sort.) Honestly it sucks. I've tried to take the high road and try explaining myself to others, but you can only get the same blank stare for a little while before it gets old fast. It's like I have to split myself into fragments to fit in society correctly. The writer in me wants to talk to other writers, but there's no one like that in my area. I don't really even fit into my own ethnicity, so it's hard to relate to people in that regard too. Oh and the fact that I don't really have anyone my age around doesn't help either.
The most frustrating part about this whole case is....I know I'm to blame. It's cause I'm so shy. The idea of putting myself out there scares the hell out of me. I've even begun to hate the phrase 'you need to get out there more often' I know it's friggin true, but it's never ever that easy. EVER.
I dunno what I'll do. I'm kind of feeling frustrated, depressed, upbeat and relieved all at the same time. As hard as it is to believe, I still want to go to anime central next year. Not only will I know how hotels and the con works a bit better, but I'll probably know how to deal with this as well. It's sobering to realize that I'm not really anti-social as much as I am a shy and very lonely individual.
Do I want your love? Nah.
Do I want your pity? Nah, misplaced pity becomes angst before long. (I should have named this post that instead.)
I just don't want to be lonely. So, I guess that means I'm really no better than anyone else.
I've probably said it before, but I haven't really been out of my state in seventeen years. So going somewhere like Chicago by myself is weird and unusual. I can't claim that my reasons for heading out there were exclusively for the anime central con, but to protect the innocent, I won't be name dropping.
Anyway, as I've already written in previous entries, the trip was fun, and it definitely changed my perception towards travel. I don't have the type of time or money to go plane hopping every month, but I hope to at least go out of state more often. On the way home however, I started to really question my lifestyle as well.
I...am painfully shy. The type of shy that probably could kill in high doses. For a long time, I thought all I needed was a bright monitor screen on dark nights, and a sort of warped sense of self worth. Instead, I've discovered something slightly more disturbing about myself. Turns out that I'm actually a fairly lonely guy.
All sisters no brothers, all women at both jobs I work, and these gals are old enough to have kids my age. Not to say that I'm bored out of my mind, because they're great, but as far as someone who gets me, I don't really have a person like that.
Considering my age and disposition, I thought it was the whole 'Dude you're twenty-five, and haven't even been on a date yet'. angle working for me...but after certain events I'm rethinking that stance. 'Cause honestly I don't think I want love. I'm seeking something more primal, more basic.
To be understood.
I guess after having a net friendship with someone, and then meeting them, it's kind of hard to go back to just having a net friendship again. That's not to say that it isn't possible. It just makes me realize that I'd like someone who I have a deep friendship like that near me. (If it just so happens that they're a hot girl, that's just a bonus!) I enjoyed being able to talk about EVERYTHING with someone this week. (Most of my RL friends don't even know I have an LJ much less write or translate or do...anything of the sort.) Honestly it sucks. I've tried to take the high road and try explaining myself to others, but you can only get the same blank stare for a little while before it gets old fast. It's like I have to split myself into fragments to fit in society correctly. The writer in me wants to talk to other writers, but there's no one like that in my area. I don't really even fit into my own ethnicity, so it's hard to relate to people in that regard too. Oh and the fact that I don't really have anyone my age around doesn't help either.
The most frustrating part about this whole case is....I know I'm to blame. It's cause I'm so shy. The idea of putting myself out there scares the hell out of me. I've even begun to hate the phrase 'you need to get out there more often' I know it's friggin true, but it's never ever that easy. EVER.
I dunno what I'll do. I'm kind of feeling frustrated, depressed, upbeat and relieved all at the same time. As hard as it is to believe, I still want to go to anime central next year. Not only will I know how hotels and the con works a bit better, but I'll probably know how to deal with this as well. It's sobering to realize that I'm not really anti-social as much as I am a shy and very lonely individual.
Do I want your love? Nah.
Do I want your pity? Nah, misplaced pity becomes angst before long. (I should have named this post that instead.)
I just don't want to be lonely. So, I guess that means I'm really no better than anyone else.