(no subject)
What is with me lately feeling sorry for myself so much lately? It's downright lame is what it is, but realizing that I'm upset with myself just upsets me more. I've got to break this cycle somehow. Maybe I'm just low on sleep. I'll probably be fine once I'm fully awake. Sleepiness usually makes me realize how disappointed I am.
I was already thinking this before I found out I even got the promotion, but now it's becoming more and more clear. I am not cut out for this job. I screwed all sorts of stuff up tonight, and I kept calling my manager and asking how to do things that I should already know. I flustered up my words so many times (even more than usual) and it took way longer to get everything finished than it should have. It's times like this I don't need to wonder why I don't have any confidence. Well, Stephanie is scheduled for Saturday with me as well, so hopefully I won't fuck everything up again.
I am actually scheduled to work a full eight hour shift in the jewelry department on Tuesday. It's a closing shift too, so I'm pretty sure there's something special I have to do at the end there. I've never worked in that department longer than 30 minutes before, since I've only covered lunches and breaks so far. Honestly, I would not be surprised if I were unemployed by AWA. I am in way over my head. I miss complacency.
Tomorrow night is my first dance class. Hopefully it's less depressing than my voice class. I've heard it's really fun though, so maybe it'll shake me out of this funk I've sunk into.
I was chatting earlier today with a friend who's been out of my mind for a while. She happened to message me out of the blue and after exchanging pleasantries and news and whatnot and the conversation came to a stop, I asked if she generally knew what she says before she says it. She answered as I probably would have expected if I had thought ahead of time to expect something, and we kept talking about it and somehow I ended up spilling out all these worries and concerns and self-criticisms at her. Even though she was already stressing about car damage that I didn't think about before I threw all this stuff at her, she still talked me through some of it and acted as a sounding board and whatnot. She even brought my attention to a point that I had previously ignored: the reason I have so much trouble focusing and staying calm and thinking ahead is most likely because of my ADD. I had completely forgotten about it, because I never want to use it as an excuse (except when joking of course). The fact remains, though, that ADD actually IS a real condition that I was diagnosed with. I've started giving some serious thought to surrendering to myself and just killing the ADD with medication. It would probably be insanely expensive though, so I'll probably not bother. That was some short serious thought. Suppose that shows how long I can be serious for.
AWA's getting closer, so more effort is going into planning of panels and whatnot. I guess I ought to finish my Pro video tomorrow to clear off some space. Tonight's CDVV strategy discussion had an unfortunate side effect. I've never been happy with how Emily turned out at any stage, and the thought of showing it to audiences again makes me cringe. I've just about joined Jay and Mitch in the circle of Editors Who Keep Working On Videos For Longer Than They Probably Should. Don't worry though; I'm keeping the Emily Endgame project on the back burner for a few years until I actually know what I'm doing. Which leads me to my next topic.
I'm starting to slip back toward considering getting some kind of editing-related degree. Professional help may be just what I need to really start to picture some of these concepts and effects and whatnot. I haven't completely decided yet though, because I have a natural tendency to shy away from trying to make a career of a hobby. It just seems like a weird thing to do to me. I'm probably weird for thinking this, but it seems like hobbies should be drastically different from one's occupation. Doctors and lawyers stereotypically play golf, for instance, and... well, I don't have another specific example. But my point is that balance is important; no matter how much I enjoy editing, I will get sick of it, and if it's my job to edit, I can't just stop doing it like if it were a hobby alone. Hobbies should be a means of escape from the rest of the world. On the other hand, I always feel like my videos are missing something. Perhaps I should spend four years of college to see if I can figure out what that something is.
I cleaned off my desk today. That felt nice. It's already messy again, but it was a good feeling seeing it clean for at least a little while.
In five days, I find out if I need to wear glasses again or if I'm spec-less for good. Hard to believe it's been almost half a year since I took them off. I still see myself wearing them in my mental image of myself. I should start working out again, I have such a fat face. While I'm at it, I should sunbathe in the backyard while it's still warm out. I'm way too white.
Tonight, for the first time in a little over a week, I logged into the a-m-v.org forums, and I was really surprised at how many new topics were in the donator forum. I had been keeping up with the rest of the forum throughout the week; I just hadn't been posting. I wonder what it means that once I lost access to the donator forum I didn't spend much time staring at the forums. Anyway, even though I've removed my self-inflicted ban, I still maintain my streak of listening without speaking on the org. I'm not sure what it is about not trolling (assuming I'm using that word correctly) with every other post, but it's a very interesting feeling. I finally understand why some of you post so little.
It's time for me to sleep. Hopefully when I wake up I won't be feeling so down.
I was already thinking this before I found out I even got the promotion, but now it's becoming more and more clear. I am not cut out for this job. I screwed all sorts of stuff up tonight, and I kept calling my manager and asking how to do things that I should already know. I flustered up my words so many times (even more than usual) and it took way longer to get everything finished than it should have. It's times like this I don't need to wonder why I don't have any confidence. Well, Stephanie is scheduled for Saturday with me as well, so hopefully I won't fuck everything up again.
I am actually scheduled to work a full eight hour shift in the jewelry department on Tuesday. It's a closing shift too, so I'm pretty sure there's something special I have to do at the end there. I've never worked in that department longer than 30 minutes before, since I've only covered lunches and breaks so far. Honestly, I would not be surprised if I were unemployed by AWA. I am in way over my head. I miss complacency.
Tomorrow night is my first dance class. Hopefully it's less depressing than my voice class. I've heard it's really fun though, so maybe it'll shake me out of this funk I've sunk into.
I was chatting earlier today with a friend who's been out of my mind for a while. She happened to message me out of the blue and after exchanging pleasantries and news and whatnot and the conversation came to a stop, I asked if she generally knew what she says before she says it. She answered as I probably would have expected if I had thought ahead of time to expect something, and we kept talking about it and somehow I ended up spilling out all these worries and concerns and self-criticisms at her. Even though she was already stressing about car damage that I didn't think about before I threw all this stuff at her, she still talked me through some of it and acted as a sounding board and whatnot. She even brought my attention to a point that I had previously ignored: the reason I have so much trouble focusing and staying calm and thinking ahead is most likely because of my ADD. I had completely forgotten about it, because I never want to use it as an excuse (except when joking of course). The fact remains, though, that ADD actually IS a real condition that I was diagnosed with. I've started giving some serious thought to surrendering to myself and just killing the ADD with medication. It would probably be insanely expensive though, so I'll probably not bother. That was some short serious thought. Suppose that shows how long I can be serious for.
AWA's getting closer, so more effort is going into planning of panels and whatnot. I guess I ought to finish my Pro video tomorrow to clear off some space. Tonight's CDVV strategy discussion had an unfortunate side effect. I've never been happy with how Emily turned out at any stage, and the thought of showing it to audiences again makes me cringe. I've just about joined Jay and Mitch in the circle of Editors Who Keep Working On Videos For Longer Than They Probably Should. Don't worry though; I'm keeping the Emily Endgame project on the back burner for a few years until I actually know what I'm doing. Which leads me to my next topic.
I'm starting to slip back toward considering getting some kind of editing-related degree. Professional help may be just what I need to really start to picture some of these concepts and effects and whatnot. I haven't completely decided yet though, because I have a natural tendency to shy away from trying to make a career of a hobby. It just seems like a weird thing to do to me. I'm probably weird for thinking this, but it seems like hobbies should be drastically different from one's occupation. Doctors and lawyers stereotypically play golf, for instance, and... well, I don't have another specific example. But my point is that balance is important; no matter how much I enjoy editing, I will get sick of it, and if it's my job to edit, I can't just stop doing it like if it were a hobby alone. Hobbies should be a means of escape from the rest of the world. On the other hand, I always feel like my videos are missing something. Perhaps I should spend four years of college to see if I can figure out what that something is.
I cleaned off my desk today. That felt nice. It's already messy again, but it was a good feeling seeing it clean for at least a little while.
In five days, I find out if I need to wear glasses again or if I'm spec-less for good. Hard to believe it's been almost half a year since I took them off. I still see myself wearing them in my mental image of myself. I should start working out again, I have such a fat face. While I'm at it, I should sunbathe in the backyard while it's still warm out. I'm way too white.
Tonight, for the first time in a little over a week, I logged into the a-m-v.org forums, and I was really surprised at how many new topics were in the donator forum. I had been keeping up with the rest of the forum throughout the week; I just hadn't been posting. I wonder what it means that once I lost access to the donator forum I didn't spend much time staring at the forums. Anyway, even though I've removed my self-inflicted ban, I still maintain my streak of listening without speaking on the org. I'm not sure what it is about not trolling (assuming I'm using that word correctly) with every other post, but it's a very interesting feeling. I finally understand why some of you post so little.
It's time for me to sleep. Hopefully when I wake up I won't be feeling so down.