Harry Potter and the Curse of the Bunnies (HP), PG-13
Title: Harry Potter and the Curse of the Bunnies
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Harry/Ginny, Ron/Hermione, McGonagall, Luna, Seamus, Dean
Genre: Crack
Word Count: 1,467
Summary: The Hogwarts castle is under siege once more... by bunnies.
Notes: Written as a gift for mochibuni at sailormoonland.
After the great Battle of Hogwarts, no one had thought that the castle could have endured another assault. To begin with, the foundations had been shaken and the walls torn down, but on a symbolic level, the school as a whole had been weakened. It had been through the worst and come out on the other side, but it was not the stronghold it had once been. More to the point, if there were a merciful god, it would not have had to go through another calamity such as the one Voldemort had wrought.
But as it turned out, fate was a cruel mistress, and rabbits were horny little bastards.
Disaster began, as it always seemed to do, with Harry Potter. With Voldemort defeated and the wizarding world safe at last, Harry and his friends, Ron and Hermione, (who Harry was beginning to think of as one entity rather than two separate people), had decided to take a long rest at the castle. Not many had wished to stay after the grueling ordeal that had taken so many lives, but enough had remained to form a tiny community of sorts. A community that knew that Harry really wanted to be left alone.
Harry took a number of long walks throughout the Forbidden Forest, and it was on one of those walks that he came across something very strange.
Bunny rabbits.
In all his years at Hogwarts, Harry had never laid eyes on a rabbit that hadn't come from Luna Lovegood's wand. He was used to centaurs, unicorns, and the occasional monstrous spider, but the rabbits were so pedestrian that they seemed out of place. Their presence was incongruous with the rest of the forest.
Later, he wouldn't know why exactly he'd decided to bring them back to the castle. Maybe he feared for their safety. Maybe he was longing for a pet to replace brave Hedwig. Or maybe they were just too cute to be left alone. The point was, he gathered the two rabbits into his cloak and brought them home with him.
"Harry, they're adorable!" Ginny cooed, scratching one under the chin as if it were a cat.
"Rabbits? In the Forbidden Forest?" Ron asked incredulously. "Not really the sort of thing you find there, is it?"
Hermione chuckled quietly. "Well honestly, Ron, what would you have done if Harry had brought back a giant spider with him?"
Ron's ears turned the shade of Luna's radish earrings. "'S not funny, Hermione."
"Are you frightened of spiders, Ron?" Luna asked in her dreamlike voice, cradling the other rabbit in her arms as if it were a sleeping baby. "That seems strange, doesn't it? After riding a dragon and destroying horcruxes."
Ron shoved his hands into his pockets and muttered something incoherent about childhood trauma.
"Are you going to name them, Harry?" Ginny asked, tilting her head in a way that made Harry very much want to nibble at her neck.
He suppressed the urge because they were in public, but made a mental note for later. Then he shrugged. "Dunno. Suppose I should."
Ginny's face lit up in a becoming fashion that made Harry's knees not want to cooperate with him. Ron and Hermione shared a knowing glance while Luna said, "I think Ginny wants to name them, Harry."
Harry regained control of his equilibrium and said, "Sure, Gin. Go ahead."
Ginny didn't hesitate. "Hazel and Phineas."
Harry made a mental note not to let Ginny name their children, should they ever have them.
----
The next day, Harry was quite surprised to discover he now had six rabbits.
"Cor, did they clone themselves?" Seamus asked, having been lured away 'boosting the morale' of the female war heroes.
"Don't be silly," Hermione scolded, as usual ignoring sarcasm in favor of accuracy. "Apparently one of them was pregnant."
Seamus pretended to look amazed. "Really, Hermione! I'd no idea."
Dean swatted at his old roommate. "You're going to need to build them a hutch soon."
"Err... a what?"
"A hutch. Like a big rabbit cage."
"Ooh, can't we just let them run free?" Ginny whined. "I'd hate to see them locked up."
Dean twitched a little, making Harry wonder if the taller boy had actually gotten over his relationship with Ginny the year before. Ron spoke before he could worry over it any more. "Guess we ought to name these too, eh?"
Ginny smiled winningly.
Harry's heart sank. And at the end of the day he was proud owner of Phineas, Hazel, Suri, Apple, Moses, and Pilot Inspektor.
-----
When Harry discovered he had fifteen rabbits the next day, he started to get suspicious.
"Horny little bastards, aren't they?" Ron asked, staring at the wiggling balls of fuzz now slowly taking over the Gryffindor Common Room.
"They also seem to time travel," Luna remarked.
Harry was used to Luna's strange beliefs when it came to creatures, but time travel was a new one.
Hermione, an expert on the subject, asked, "What on Earth makes you say that?"
"The average gestation period for a rabbit is 31 days," Luna explained, ignoring the way all the males in the room shuddered at the word 'gestation.' "Not to mention, newborns aren't supposed to grow this fast."
Harry didn't know what was more disconcerting: the rising rabbit count of the fact that everyone else seemed to know more about his pets than he did.
"Luna's right," Hermione said, with only minor reluctance. "This is very odd behavior. I'd almost assume they were magical creatures, but I've never heard of any that resembled a rabbit."
"We could ask Hagrid," Ron suggested.
They agreed and went to fetch the former Game Keeper.
By the time they got back to the castle with Hagrid, Harry Potter had 32 rabbits.
----
By the end of the week, no one had any idea how many rabbits there were because they had taken over the entire castle.
"Potter," Professor McGonagall began in her best stern tone, "am I to understand that this... fuzzy siege is your doing?"
Harry marveled at the fact that he had literally saved the word, yet Minerva McGonagall could still make him feel like an 11-year-old in worn, ill-fitting clothes. "Well... it's not as if I meant to--"
"Potter, I caught one of them chewing on the Sorting Hat."
Harry flinched. "Oh."
McGonagall sighed. "Did it never occur to you to perhaps get rid of the rabbits once their strange behavior began?"
"I did!" Harry insisted. "We all put them out three days ago. They keep coming back."
McGonagall sighed tartly. "And how do they manage that?"
"It's not as though we're in a secure building," Harry drawled, gesturing to a Fenrir-sized hole behind the desk.
She pointedly did not look in that direction. "Well, what do you suppose we do about the... rabbits, Potter?"
Harry ran a hand down his face. "We can't transfigure them. I've tried, they just... change back an hour later."
Thankfully, McGonagall did not question the efficacy of his spell. At least she respected him that much. "Have you considered... euthanizing them?"
"I... I'm not sure I can do that in good conscience."
She scowled.
"And Ginny named them."
She did not even attempt to disguise her disdain. "Potter, you destroyed the most notorious wizard in all our history. Are you telling me you cannot bring yourself to dispose of a few rodents?"
Harry wisely decided not to quibble over her use of 'a few.' "They're just so cute!"
McGonagall looked as though she very much wanted to slam her head down on the desk. "I don't suppose Ms. Granger has a plan?"
Harry shifted uncomfortably. "Well, Professor... it seems Hermione's developed an allergy--"
"Oh for Merlin's sake!"
"How was I to know the rabbits were evil?"
McGonagall threw her hands up in exasperation. "You're Harry Potter! Everything you touch turns into a giant problem! Namely for me!"
"Well--" Harry found he couldn't exactly respond to that. "At least I didn't drive another car into a tree."
"I'd rather you had," McGonagall snapped. Then she rose from what had once been Dumbledore's desk, gathering her tartan robes in one hand. "Normally I would insist that you handle this problem yourself, Potter, but I caught several of those little creatures in my rooms this morning."
Harry definitely did not want to know what had become of those rabbits.
"Off to bed," she ordered, as if he were a child up past his bedtime. "This should all be sorted by morning."
----
For the next month, rabbit stew was served at dinner every night. Not surprisingly, McGonagall and the house elves were the only ones to partake.
And that is the story of how Harry Potter came to hate rabbits and an entire generation of Hogwarts women became vegetarians.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Harry/Ginny, Ron/Hermione, McGonagall, Luna, Seamus, Dean
Genre: Crack
Word Count: 1,467
Summary: The Hogwarts castle is under siege once more... by bunnies.
Notes: Written as a gift for mochibuni at sailormoonland.
After the great Battle of Hogwarts, no one had thought that the castle could have endured another assault. To begin with, the foundations had been shaken and the walls torn down, but on a symbolic level, the school as a whole had been weakened. It had been through the worst and come out on the other side, but it was not the stronghold it had once been. More to the point, if there were a merciful god, it would not have had to go through another calamity such as the one Voldemort had wrought.
But as it turned out, fate was a cruel mistress, and rabbits were horny little bastards.
Disaster began, as it always seemed to do, with Harry Potter. With Voldemort defeated and the wizarding world safe at last, Harry and his friends, Ron and Hermione, (who Harry was beginning to think of as one entity rather than two separate people), had decided to take a long rest at the castle. Not many had wished to stay after the grueling ordeal that had taken so many lives, but enough had remained to form a tiny community of sorts. A community that knew that Harry really wanted to be left alone.
Harry took a number of long walks throughout the Forbidden Forest, and it was on one of those walks that he came across something very strange.
Bunny rabbits.
In all his years at Hogwarts, Harry had never laid eyes on a rabbit that hadn't come from Luna Lovegood's wand. He was used to centaurs, unicorns, and the occasional monstrous spider, but the rabbits were so pedestrian that they seemed out of place. Their presence was incongruous with the rest of the forest.
Later, he wouldn't know why exactly he'd decided to bring them back to the castle. Maybe he feared for their safety. Maybe he was longing for a pet to replace brave Hedwig. Or maybe they were just too cute to be left alone. The point was, he gathered the two rabbits into his cloak and brought them home with him.
"Harry, they're adorable!" Ginny cooed, scratching one under the chin as if it were a cat.
"Rabbits? In the Forbidden Forest?" Ron asked incredulously. "Not really the sort of thing you find there, is it?"
Hermione chuckled quietly. "Well honestly, Ron, what would you have done if Harry had brought back a giant spider with him?"
Ron's ears turned the shade of Luna's radish earrings. "'S not funny, Hermione."
"Are you frightened of spiders, Ron?" Luna asked in her dreamlike voice, cradling the other rabbit in her arms as if it were a sleeping baby. "That seems strange, doesn't it? After riding a dragon and destroying horcruxes."
Ron shoved his hands into his pockets and muttered something incoherent about childhood trauma.
"Are you going to name them, Harry?" Ginny asked, tilting her head in a way that made Harry very much want to nibble at her neck.
He suppressed the urge because they were in public, but made a mental note for later. Then he shrugged. "Dunno. Suppose I should."
Ginny's face lit up in a becoming fashion that made Harry's knees not want to cooperate with him. Ron and Hermione shared a knowing glance while Luna said, "I think Ginny wants to name them, Harry."
Harry regained control of his equilibrium and said, "Sure, Gin. Go ahead."
Ginny didn't hesitate. "Hazel and Phineas."
Harry made a mental note not to let Ginny name their children, should they ever have them.
----
The next day, Harry was quite surprised to discover he now had six rabbits.
"Cor, did they clone themselves?" Seamus asked, having been lured away 'boosting the morale' of the female war heroes.
"Don't be silly," Hermione scolded, as usual ignoring sarcasm in favor of accuracy. "Apparently one of them was pregnant."
Seamus pretended to look amazed. "Really, Hermione! I'd no idea."
Dean swatted at his old roommate. "You're going to need to build them a hutch soon."
"Err... a what?"
"A hutch. Like a big rabbit cage."
"Ooh, can't we just let them run free?" Ginny whined. "I'd hate to see them locked up."
Dean twitched a little, making Harry wonder if the taller boy had actually gotten over his relationship with Ginny the year before. Ron spoke before he could worry over it any more. "Guess we ought to name these too, eh?"
Ginny smiled winningly.
Harry's heart sank. And at the end of the day he was proud owner of Phineas, Hazel, Suri, Apple, Moses, and Pilot Inspektor.
-----
When Harry discovered he had fifteen rabbits the next day, he started to get suspicious.
"Horny little bastards, aren't they?" Ron asked, staring at the wiggling balls of fuzz now slowly taking over the Gryffindor Common Room.
"They also seem to time travel," Luna remarked.
Harry was used to Luna's strange beliefs when it came to creatures, but time travel was a new one.
Hermione, an expert on the subject, asked, "What on Earth makes you say that?"
"The average gestation period for a rabbit is 31 days," Luna explained, ignoring the way all the males in the room shuddered at the word 'gestation.' "Not to mention, newborns aren't supposed to grow this fast."
Harry didn't know what was more disconcerting: the rising rabbit count of the fact that everyone else seemed to know more about his pets than he did.
"Luna's right," Hermione said, with only minor reluctance. "This is very odd behavior. I'd almost assume they were magical creatures, but I've never heard of any that resembled a rabbit."
"We could ask Hagrid," Ron suggested.
They agreed and went to fetch the former Game Keeper.
By the time they got back to the castle with Hagrid, Harry Potter had 32 rabbits.
----
By the end of the week, no one had any idea how many rabbits there were because they had taken over the entire castle.
"Potter," Professor McGonagall began in her best stern tone, "am I to understand that this... fuzzy siege is your doing?"
Harry marveled at the fact that he had literally saved the word, yet Minerva McGonagall could still make him feel like an 11-year-old in worn, ill-fitting clothes. "Well... it's not as if I meant to--"
"Potter, I caught one of them chewing on the Sorting Hat."
Harry flinched. "Oh."
McGonagall sighed. "Did it never occur to you to perhaps get rid of the rabbits once their strange behavior began?"
"I did!" Harry insisted. "We all put them out three days ago. They keep coming back."
McGonagall sighed tartly. "And how do they manage that?"
"It's not as though we're in a secure building," Harry drawled, gesturing to a Fenrir-sized hole behind the desk.
She pointedly did not look in that direction. "Well, what do you suppose we do about the... rabbits, Potter?"
Harry ran a hand down his face. "We can't transfigure them. I've tried, they just... change back an hour later."
Thankfully, McGonagall did not question the efficacy of his spell. At least she respected him that much. "Have you considered... euthanizing them?"
"I... I'm not sure I can do that in good conscience."
She scowled.
"And Ginny named them."
She did not even attempt to disguise her disdain. "Potter, you destroyed the most notorious wizard in all our history. Are you telling me you cannot bring yourself to dispose of a few rodents?"
Harry wisely decided not to quibble over her use of 'a few.' "They're just so cute!"
McGonagall looked as though she very much wanted to slam her head down on the desk. "I don't suppose Ms. Granger has a plan?"
Harry shifted uncomfortably. "Well, Professor... it seems Hermione's developed an allergy--"
"Oh for Merlin's sake!"
"How was I to know the rabbits were evil?"
McGonagall threw her hands up in exasperation. "You're Harry Potter! Everything you touch turns into a giant problem! Namely for me!"
"Well--" Harry found he couldn't exactly respond to that. "At least I didn't drive another car into a tree."
"I'd rather you had," McGonagall snapped. Then she rose from what had once been Dumbledore's desk, gathering her tartan robes in one hand. "Normally I would insist that you handle this problem yourself, Potter, but I caught several of those little creatures in my rooms this morning."
Harry definitely did not want to know what had become of those rabbits.
"Off to bed," she ordered, as if he were a child up past his bedtime. "This should all be sorted by morning."
----
For the next month, rabbit stew was served at dinner every night. Not surprisingly, McGonagall and the house elves were the only ones to partake.
And that is the story of how Harry Potter came to hate rabbits and an entire generation of Hogwarts women became vegetarians.