More pensive bullshit.
I hate this horrible, restricting feeling that I get, and how it conflicts with what exactly I want to do with my life. I would love nothing more than to be able to go to an art college, get my degree in animation or making comics and just be creative for the rest of my life. I want to go somewhere astute, with like-minded peers who are artistically-inclined and possibly meet a few who feel the same fucking way that I do. I can't explain how I feel half the time when I think about this kind of stuff, but it's strong, and it's an itching need to actually do something with myself. Something that I'll feel accomplished for, and something that I'll love.
But, it's not that simple.
Tuition, for one, and how I'd pay all of it. My art isn't anywhere NEAR the sort of skill level to put together a decent portfolio from. On top of that, and possibly my greatest fear, is the thought of not only looking for a job in such a competitive, vicious field, but actually landing the job and finding that it's something that I completely and utterly hate doing as a career. I'm terrified of that.
I want to be able to create, and express myself, and I wish I could actually MAKE something worthwhile, or tell a story and draw pictures and actually fucking make people…feel the things that I do, see the things that I see in the back of my mind. I feel like such a nerd, but music inspires me to no end. I can easily think of a concept for a picture or a story - basic though it may be - when I listen to a song that really reaches out and holds me with both melodic arms, cradling me and my fragile, swollen mind, enveloping me in inspiring rhythms and harmonies. I want to be able to make something that can touch people as deeply. If I could do it as a career and actually ENJOY it, I think it'd be perfect. But I know life isn't like that.
Instead I sit like a lump on a log, looking for a fucking shitty, dead-end job somewhere, anywhere. Hoping someone will hire me, so that I'm not ass-deep in debt and can actually eat every now and again. And in the meantime, I fart around with character ideas and concepts, writing tidbits and sketching designs. I wish, even if I don't go to school for this creativity, that I could at least take it and fucking make something out of it for once, something that I could start and finish. Sometimes I think, if I could just be inspired enough to set that pencil to paper, or that maybe an idea I have will finally be the one that I'll want to follow through with, regardless of petty worries...
Whatever. It's quarter to 10 in the morning and I haven't slept in almost 24 hours. I think I need to sleep.
But, it's not that simple.
Tuition, for one, and how I'd pay all of it. My art isn't anywhere NEAR the sort of skill level to put together a decent portfolio from. On top of that, and possibly my greatest fear, is the thought of not only looking for a job in such a competitive, vicious field, but actually landing the job and finding that it's something that I completely and utterly hate doing as a career. I'm terrified of that.
I want to be able to create, and express myself, and I wish I could actually MAKE something worthwhile, or tell a story and draw pictures and actually fucking make people…feel the things that I do, see the things that I see in the back of my mind. I feel like such a nerd, but music inspires me to no end. I can easily think of a concept for a picture or a story - basic though it may be - when I listen to a song that really reaches out and holds me with both melodic arms, cradling me and my fragile, swollen mind, enveloping me in inspiring rhythms and harmonies. I want to be able to make something that can touch people as deeply. If I could do it as a career and actually ENJOY it, I think it'd be perfect. But I know life isn't like that.
Instead I sit like a lump on a log, looking for a fucking shitty, dead-end job somewhere, anywhere. Hoping someone will hire me, so that I'm not ass-deep in debt and can actually eat every now and again. And in the meantime, I fart around with character ideas and concepts, writing tidbits and sketching designs. I wish, even if I don't go to school for this creativity, that I could at least take it and fucking make something out of it for once, something that I could start and finish. Sometimes I think, if I could just be inspired enough to set that pencil to paper, or that maybe an idea I have will finally be the one that I'll want to follow through with, regardless of petty worries...
Whatever. It's quarter to 10 in the morning and I haven't slept in almost 24 hours. I think I need to sleep.