From 1/14/11: My mental state lately
I am sitting here right now in a state of panic. I am not feeling well. My mental state has fallen on hard times. I am overwhelmed with my life right now. I don't know what to do. I feel like I used to be able to handle things better. When I first had my job and I first moved out, I loved my life. Right now though, everything feels like a chore. I don't like my life right now. I really don't. I want out. I want out of my life right now. I am not going to commit suicide, but everything seems so overwhelming right now. I am constantly in a state of depression or anxiety or both. I'm either in a state of total panic and anxiety, or I'm depressed and asleep. There's no happy medium, and I don't ever feel like I can totally relax. I'm so mentally exhausted all the time because of this. I don't know why. I miss feeling happy. I don't know whether I ever felt happy though, or if I'm just deluding myself. I thought I did. I must have, I don't know. I used to go into work feeling happy for being there, but now it's so exhausting, and I don't know why. I don't know what changed. I used to look forward to going to school, but I'm dreading this semester. Everything feels like it's going by too fast, and I don't have enough time to catch up. I just feel so tired all the time, and I don't have any energy to do the things I once did. I've lost interest in a lot of the things I once enjoyed. It sucks. The part that sucks the most is knowing my life isn't all that bad. I have a stable job, a stable home life, a few friends, a couple college degrees with another on the way. My life seems pretty good, but yet I can't help but feel bad. I have been trying to tell myself that my life is good and that I shouldn't feel bad, but it hasn't been helping.
With all my mental issues, it has been hard to be around people. When someone asks me “how are you doing?”, all I say is ,”okay” or “good” even though I don't feel okay or good. I lie because lying is easier than trying to explain how I'm really feeling. I don't want to have to explain that I'm feeling low and depressed. I don't want to burden people and I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I just want to feel better, but I don't know how. I feel like if I were to explain how I actually feel, I would be burdening people, and that they would think less of me. I also feel like I have been burdening people by taking time for myself because of the depression, crippling anxiety, and my uncontrollable mood swings.
The truth is that I need help. I need a lot of help. I am feeling way too overwhelmed with my life right now, and I need help dealing with it. I feel like if I do ask for help, I'm burdening other people, and that's the last thing I want to do right now. Unfortunately, the system for Kaiser's Psychiatry department is really bad because it's unreliable. It is hard to get an emergency appointment, and my appointments with the psychologist is a month in between appointments. I need to talk to someone. I need help, because the way my mind is, things aren't working. Unfortunately, I don't know who to ask for help, or how, because I'm too anxious to talk to people. I also feel like I'm isolating myself from the rest of the world and I can't stop it right now.
I know I may not be making any sense right now I'm sorry, and if you're reading this, thank you.
With all my mental issues, it has been hard to be around people. When someone asks me “how are you doing?”, all I say is ,”okay” or “good” even though I don't feel okay or good. I lie because lying is easier than trying to explain how I'm really feeling. I don't want to have to explain that I'm feeling low and depressed. I don't want to burden people and I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I just want to feel better, but I don't know how. I feel like if I were to explain how I actually feel, I would be burdening people, and that they would think less of me. I also feel like I have been burdening people by taking time for myself because of the depression, crippling anxiety, and my uncontrollable mood swings.
The truth is that I need help. I need a lot of help. I am feeling way too overwhelmed with my life right now, and I need help dealing with it. I feel like if I do ask for help, I'm burdening other people, and that's the last thing I want to do right now. Unfortunately, the system for Kaiser's Psychiatry department is really bad because it's unreliable. It is hard to get an emergency appointment, and my appointments with the psychologist is a month in between appointments. I need to talk to someone. I need help, because the way my mind is, things aren't working. Unfortunately, I don't know who to ask for help, or how, because I'm too anxious to talk to people. I also feel like I'm isolating myself from the rest of the world and I can't stop it right now.
I know I may not be making any sense right now I'm sorry, and if you're reading this, thank you.