my faith is walking by you like a dog
i don't even know why i have this journal. but i like it because i get really frustrated and i know people can understand.
i'm just really upset. pete's brother tried killing himself and i spent all day at their house holding him and comforting his mom. eventually though, pete and i were connnected completely. and, let me tell you, the dry humping was way better cause once we were naked it was over in two seconds. but i feel guilty, and then pete's mom is telling me that i'll be with pete someday and i'll be happy, but he's just got a huge ego. and she's told me over and over, DON'T LET HIM USE YOU.
Then i didn't see him all the next day, and i hung out with xavier, annd we had lots of soul searching conversations. like xavi said he couldn't be with me because he didn't want to put my family through another Ian and Hana. Thats bullshit. but i told him straight up, i still have feelings for you but what can i do? i know we're not getting married or having kids, so i'm trying to work through it. the whole night we were drunk and fucked up on the pills pete's brother used to commit suicide. i felt so comfortable, at peace, and loved. in the morning, i threw up, and i was sick all yesterday.
but i went over to pete's and he was hanging out with all his friends, so i just sat in his mom's room, talking to her. i started wanting to cry. i tried hanging out with pete but, there was always a nick around. so i spent more and more time with his mom. she told me sarah's been calling pete again. sarah even came over that day. i told her that i heard about spencer having sex with this little 14 yr old skank. all of this is coming to a peak, and finally spencer tried ditching me again and asked if i wanted to go get soda, or a ride home, or if i'd chill. none of the above, thanks, i was pissed. tears rushed to my glazzies as he walked away, i choked em back and his dad offered me a ride home. so when i said by to his mom, she squeezed the life outta me, squeezed the pain out like you juice a lemon. the first two tears landed on my arm, then on her back and i sorta sobbed, and she held me tighter and comforted me with words i couldn't hear because i was crying. then the dad took me home, and i soon as i got in my room, i BAWLED. i haven't cried like that in months. honestly more than 4 months. like all the emotions i knew i should have been feeling this whole time, came to greet me all at once. i'm having such a panic attack right now.
then pete called after like 2 hours of me being home, and said "i just wanted to say sorry i didn't get home cause nick wanted to go to ----'s and i was trying to get home, but i couldn't. i'm sorry. ---when did you go home?" right after you left. "oh. alright. sorry for waking you up." i wasn't sleeping. bye.
he has no clue.
i'm just really upset. pete's brother tried killing himself and i spent all day at their house holding him and comforting his mom. eventually though, pete and i were connnected completely. and, let me tell you, the dry humping was way better cause once we were naked it was over in two seconds. but i feel guilty, and then pete's mom is telling me that i'll be with pete someday and i'll be happy, but he's just got a huge ego. and she's told me over and over, DON'T LET HIM USE YOU.
Then i didn't see him all the next day, and i hung out with xavier, annd we had lots of soul searching conversations. like xavi said he couldn't be with me because he didn't want to put my family through another Ian and Hana. Thats bullshit. but i told him straight up, i still have feelings for you but what can i do? i know we're not getting married or having kids, so i'm trying to work through it. the whole night we were drunk and fucked up on the pills pete's brother used to commit suicide. i felt so comfortable, at peace, and loved. in the morning, i threw up, and i was sick all yesterday.
but i went over to pete's and he was hanging out with all his friends, so i just sat in his mom's room, talking to her. i started wanting to cry. i tried hanging out with pete but, there was always a nick around. so i spent more and more time with his mom. she told me sarah's been calling pete again. sarah even came over that day. i told her that i heard about spencer having sex with this little 14 yr old skank. all of this is coming to a peak, and finally spencer tried ditching me again and asked if i wanted to go get soda, or a ride home, or if i'd chill. none of the above, thanks, i was pissed. tears rushed to my glazzies as he walked away, i choked em back and his dad offered me a ride home. so when i said by to his mom, she squeezed the life outta me, squeezed the pain out like you juice a lemon. the first two tears landed on my arm, then on her back and i sorta sobbed, and she held me tighter and comforted me with words i couldn't hear because i was crying. then the dad took me home, and i soon as i got in my room, i BAWLED. i haven't cried like that in months. honestly more than 4 months. like all the emotions i knew i should have been feeling this whole time, came to greet me all at once. i'm having such a panic attack right now.
then pete called after like 2 hours of me being home, and said "i just wanted to say sorry i didn't get home cause nick wanted to go to ----'s and i was trying to get home, but i couldn't. i'm sorry. ---when did you go home?" right after you left. "oh. alright. sorry for waking you up." i wasn't sleeping. bye.
he has no clue.