Don't know this
So after a good 4-5 year break from LJ here I am again. Just needing somewhere to get thoughts on digital paper.
I'm so frustrated and restless right now. I've done a good job of this, of putting myself here. (What the fuck am I trying to write about?) I want a change, a major change. Something of a chasm between yesterday and tomorrow. A large one. It's not going to happen. I keep wanting to believe that huge characters in history had some point in their life where they went from ordinary to extraordinary, but that's probably not the case at all. I know that's not the case for me. As much as I want to believe there was some singular decision that turned my life in one direction or another that's not the case. I want to disappear nonetheless, come back from some sort of hiding to be something different that turns heads or at the very least makes what few friends I have wonder.
I don't have it in me though. There's no discipline within me. In fact I've built the past however many years rejecting the very idea of discipline that I was brought up with. So now that I have that habit, how do I jump back to suddenly becoming a person with a focus?
It's not that I have no ambitions, it's that I can't decide. I believe my mom that I could be anything I want. The problem isn't that, it's that there's so many goddamn things to be. And I want to be them all. How the hell can I force myself to pick when everything looks so good, so delicious, so insanely amazing? I want to be a president. I want to be a criminal. I want to be a leader. I want to be a follower. I want to be an example. I want to be a drug addict. I want to be famous, I want to die unknown by anybody, I want I want I want. Life is worse thank Baskin Robbins.
And why the hell do I even type this out? Why the records of another American who's not bad off or well off, just is? Grand illusions of having kids I think. A part of me hoping that one day I'll figure this out and be someone who's worth looking up to, but leaves a legacy of whatever I'd done leading up to the point of being worth knowing.
So keeping up with the stream of thought, getting it off my chest concept: Another thought of why I type this out. Because it helps. It greases the gears to just write it out. I've never been a good speaker. I always feel like I'm cut off in conversations. I'm just not strong speaker. Not quick enough on my feet. The comebacks, replies, retorts come hours or days later. I hate that. I hate that I never feel listened to when I'm speaking. Yet I realize half the time I lose my direction in regards to what I'm talking about. So I write, because that's how I speak. While a lot of it's junk I'm not yet stopped from doing it.
Confidence. Isn't it as bad as faith? I'd rather know I can do something than have confidence in it. Sure, confidence can be a nice psychological boost in whatever you're trying to accomplish, but I'll never have confidence in confidence, if that makes sense. It seems about as trustworthy as believing in something you're not sure exists. I wish I had it, I'm sure it'd help overall. But I can't fake it no matter how much it'd help.
I don't feel welcome anywhere. Even my own parents house at this point. I'm not saying I should have a welcome mat, quite the opposite. I've been indulging in booze (it's been a beer driven past couple weeks) and I have little to no self-worth right now. But hell, who in this world am I going to talk to? I've done a good job of fucking up things and burning bridges I'm sure. I quit a job that friends got me. And even though I felt sure (heh, one might even say "confident") that it was ending I quit it. Now I don't feel okay with talking to them. I feel bad I quit the job to some extent, to the extent that I don't feel welcome talking to them. And sure, they'd never say otherwise, but you can't deny your gut. I don't feel like I can sit down for a beer with these friends and hashing over how I feel restless because I feel like they'd respond with something to do with me quitting. Maybe I burned my last bridge and the rest of this is a charade.
At this point my friends have been kind enough to keep up the illusion, but I don't buy it. I feel their disappointment and have no way to counter that, to let them know that it's not about them.
So here I am. Apathy comes too easily to me. I want to say I'll be fine without anybody, that I'm perfectly fine with disappearing to reinvent myself. Truth is I'm not, and it's not about being a "tough guy". It's just...it. Why does it need to be anything else? Especially when you can ignore any argument that comes forth and feel apathetic about it. What I want I'll probably never know. If I ever do know, if I could ever find something to drive my passion into, who knows how it'd turn out. Fact remains: I know I've got a passionate personality that needs a direction I have yet to find.
Enough of this drunken rant, I got it off my chest and if the consequences burn me I know I can turn apathetic to deny/deal/cope with them, no?
I'm so frustrated and restless right now. I've done a good job of this, of putting myself here. (What the fuck am I trying to write about?) I want a change, a major change. Something of a chasm between yesterday and tomorrow. A large one. It's not going to happen. I keep wanting to believe that huge characters in history had some point in their life where they went from ordinary to extraordinary, but that's probably not the case at all. I know that's not the case for me. As much as I want to believe there was some singular decision that turned my life in one direction or another that's not the case. I want to disappear nonetheless, come back from some sort of hiding to be something different that turns heads or at the very least makes what few friends I have wonder.
I don't have it in me though. There's no discipline within me. In fact I've built the past however many years rejecting the very idea of discipline that I was brought up with. So now that I have that habit, how do I jump back to suddenly becoming a person with a focus?
It's not that I have no ambitions, it's that I can't decide. I believe my mom that I could be anything I want. The problem isn't that, it's that there's so many goddamn things to be. And I want to be them all. How the hell can I force myself to pick when everything looks so good, so delicious, so insanely amazing? I want to be a president. I want to be a criminal. I want to be a leader. I want to be a follower. I want to be an example. I want to be a drug addict. I want to be famous, I want to die unknown by anybody, I want I want I want. Life is worse thank Baskin Robbins.
And why the hell do I even type this out? Why the records of another American who's not bad off or well off, just is? Grand illusions of having kids I think. A part of me hoping that one day I'll figure this out and be someone who's worth looking up to, but leaves a legacy of whatever I'd done leading up to the point of being worth knowing.
So keeping up with the stream of thought, getting it off my chest concept: Another thought of why I type this out. Because it helps. It greases the gears to just write it out. I've never been a good speaker. I always feel like I'm cut off in conversations. I'm just not strong speaker. Not quick enough on my feet. The comebacks, replies, retorts come hours or days later. I hate that. I hate that I never feel listened to when I'm speaking. Yet I realize half the time I lose my direction in regards to what I'm talking about. So I write, because that's how I speak. While a lot of it's junk I'm not yet stopped from doing it.
Confidence. Isn't it as bad as faith? I'd rather know I can do something than have confidence in it. Sure, confidence can be a nice psychological boost in whatever you're trying to accomplish, but I'll never have confidence in confidence, if that makes sense. It seems about as trustworthy as believing in something you're not sure exists. I wish I had it, I'm sure it'd help overall. But I can't fake it no matter how much it'd help.
I don't feel welcome anywhere. Even my own parents house at this point. I'm not saying I should have a welcome mat, quite the opposite. I've been indulging in booze (it's been a beer driven past couple weeks) and I have little to no self-worth right now. But hell, who in this world am I going to talk to? I've done a good job of fucking up things and burning bridges I'm sure. I quit a job that friends got me. And even though I felt sure (heh, one might even say "confident") that it was ending I quit it. Now I don't feel okay with talking to them. I feel bad I quit the job to some extent, to the extent that I don't feel welcome talking to them. And sure, they'd never say otherwise, but you can't deny your gut. I don't feel like I can sit down for a beer with these friends and hashing over how I feel restless because I feel like they'd respond with something to do with me quitting. Maybe I burned my last bridge and the rest of this is a charade.
At this point my friends have been kind enough to keep up the illusion, but I don't buy it. I feel their disappointment and have no way to counter that, to let them know that it's not about them.
So here I am. Apathy comes too easily to me. I want to say I'll be fine without anybody, that I'm perfectly fine with disappearing to reinvent myself. Truth is I'm not, and it's not about being a "tough guy". It's just...it. Why does it need to be anything else? Especially when you can ignore any argument that comes forth and feel apathetic about it. What I want I'll probably never know. If I ever do know, if I could ever find something to drive my passion into, who knows how it'd turn out. Fact remains: I know I've got a passionate personality that needs a direction I have yet to find.
Enough of this drunken rant, I got it off my chest and if the consequences burn me I know I can turn apathetic to deny/deal/cope with them, no?