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i love how i slip up once and it costs me everything. now granted it was a fairly large fuck up, u'd think people would be somewhat more understanding. but no. i'm a lying piece of shit and that's all there is to it. fuck! u know sometimes in life u take stupid risks b/c u think that there might be some good in it. well if u were to ask me, i couldn't tell u y i took the risk. i was so worried about it blowing up in my face that i tried to hide it from everyone. unfortunately, that was not an option, and it ended up blowing up in my face even worse than i had expected. i've lost all my friends now. how's that for a wake-up call? hey john, ur an asshole! and then suddenly ur standing by urself yet again. my friends were my life. i say they "were" my life b/c they "were" my friends. i'm only human for christ's sake. so i'm only allowed one fuck up. alright, well if that's the way of things then that's the way they're gonna be. there is nothing i wouldn't do to make things right again, but i can't do that. not now. not ever apparently. seems the great track record of my life has lived up to it's reputation yet again. i build up everything around me to what i like, and then it all comes crashing down. like a sack of fucking bricks, straight to the floor. i've never liked rebuilding, hated it in fact. but here i am, w/o fail, starting all over again. u ever been in a situation so horrible that u can't help but laugh until u cry? welcome to my world. all i can do is to sit here and take all the bullshit. i would try to apologize, but i know that that'll fall on deaf ears. always does. not like i can blame ne1 else for it tho. i take full responsibility for my actions. i might not be proud of them, but they're still mine. funny, how my business eventually becomes everyone's business w/o me knowing. i'm just a fuck up, thank u for noticing.