well crap...
i really don't know what my problem is. it seems like every time i'm on here all i do is bitch and moan. and ya know, i do. but i can't really help it. i finally have an outlet to vent some frustration, so god damn it, i think i'm gonna utilize it. first off, i would just like to say, FUUUUUUCK!!! fuck work, fuck my track coach, fuck that asshole in my health class, fuck all my teachers, fuck all the asshole customers i have to deal with, fuck fate, fuck life. but most of all, w/ all of my hate-filled heart, fuck me. i can't stand what my life is, let alone what it's still turning into. complete and absolute crap. one big fucking emotional train wreck after another. it's unavoidable at this point. every time i look in the mirror i want to turn away in disgust. fucking loser. what do i have now? work? school? fuck all of that shit. there is no possible way for me to be content w/ just that. i need something more. i don't know what yet, but something has to change, and fast. i don't care what, although i know deep down, it's gonna have to be me. i've seen what i keep inside, and it isn't pretty. actually, it's down-right scary. and for me to actually fear something (not be kind of nervous around it but honest to god scared) takes something not encountered all too often in this world. there is an ugly, violent, hate-fueled monster in there. there is no possible way i could ever try and let him catch even a glimpse of daylight, b/c once that happens, it's all over. those of u who really know me know that i'm not one to back down from any kind of confrontation. hell, i miss fighting more than anything. but this is the one fight in my life that i won't even attempt. the beating would just be too severe. plus once my "alter-ego" kicks the shit out of me, who's to say if i'll ever be the same again. now while i'll admit that the way i am now could use quite a bit of polishing up, at least i'm in control. who i have the potential to be is no where even close to civil. it's just a ravenous, blood-thirsty killer. at least me being an asshole is on purpose and i can keep a lid on it if need be. the other me is just so fucking far out there it's ridiculous. brings a kind of insane smile to my face. well fuck all of this, i'm headed to bed to have some weird ass, trippy, pshychotic dreams about some really disturbing shit. should be entertaining, to say the least. toodles.