Long time no post!
Wow , well im sure nothing I can post here hasn't been heard on MySpace, but I do know that some of you DONT have my 2 new myspace accounts!
They are-
http://www.myspace.com/iamkiddrenegade
and
http://www.myspace.com/colorfuldrugs
Anyways alot has been going on since I last posted.
I DONT have a boyfriend, fyi to everyone who thought that Nate was my boyfriend... just friends Lol.
I am in love with this one guy, who wont be named because of VERY complicated reasons, and I dont know who will read this, so on so forth, but yes I will delve into the subject of what and why here in a sec.
Actually no, I will name names, Dont care anymore, I just need to.
This guy name Patrick, he and I had been talking for a while, and a while meaning months. I started feeling close to him, wow, cliche huh? We talked more... got more closer to him. Again, obviously.
Well, finally we have our chance. To spend a few days together and get this "Not being able to see you and be close to you as I want" thing out of our systems.
Now, I know and I KNOW well, what my feelings for Patrick are... and Im not ashamed of them. What I don't know, is what Patricks REAL true feelings for me are... but I have a feeling. Confused yet? You havn't even heard the best of it.
He tells me the "Oh I love you, but I love her too" and I believe him, I believe him beyond belief. I know he loves me and I know he loves her... but damn, I really wish he didn't love her. Because the one thing I never told him, that was tearing me up while he was expressing this to me, was that I have to know he is with some beautiful girl and she loves him so much, but on the other hand I love him more than he will ever know. This is someone I can picture myself with for the rest of my life. No joke.
They say you come across someone in life, that you will have these feelings for... the ones you wont have with or have had never with someone else before... I dont give a fuck how young I am to not know the first thing about love... because I do. I never ever have felt this way about someone. Those other guys, fucking just phases. Him, I can't stop thinking about. Everyday, since I first met him, he has been on my mind and I can't get him out of my head.
I knew that when we were to part after these few days together, that I would be torn apart. And I was right.
I was sitting there on my porch, knowing this was my chance to say what I had to say, everything I felt... but I knew because of his other love, I couldn't. The love that I have for Patrick overcame me and I knew that this was So real, and I loved him so much, that I just couldnt say these things to him, because I knew he had someone else that was making him happy and thats what I wanted. I want him happy for the rest of his life. He deserves it. And if she is the one that will truely make him happy forever, then I guess so be it.
But it deeply kills me to know that he wont be with me, if he stays with her. It will stay with me for the rest of my life, on how I really think I had the chance to say the right things to him on that day I could have, but I didn't.
This hurts, badly.
Patrick, I dont know, he just knows how to say the right things and look at me the right way. He knows me better than anyone, and he understands me 100%.
It's like God had specifically created him for me, and vise versa. I know this is odd to say, but it's how I truly feel and I cant take it back and I dont regret feeling this way either.
I know your going to read this, eventually, so I just want you to know that I do love you more than anyone or anything on this planet. You have no idea, how much shit Im going through and how fucked up my head has been, over you... I dont want to seem psychotic, but really you know what Im talking about and that this is killing me. So pleaee forgive me if anythng, and please just know that I havnt been ignoring you, just confused and lost within myself. I tried dating someone else and it was hard... everytime I looked at him, I couldnt help but think of you and I couldnt even look in his eyes for more than 5 seconds. Its hard.
So much more to say and this is the only way I know how to really express it.
Well thats pretty much whats been going through my head and whats been going on in my life lately. Sorry it was long, but what would you expect out of Roby Lee? A paragraph? hehe.
Love you all, and I miss you all too!
Hope to re-connect with some of you again soon!
xoxo
Roby
PS- I am indeed, living in Flint for the time being, untill I can figure out how my life is going to end up, or where its going. Fuck, Ill just see where life takes me from here on out. :)