50 years? I can barely plan for next week!
A week ago I went to my grandparents fiftieth anniversary party. It was held at the Elmhurst Inn. We had a beautiful brunch with thirty of my closest (and no so closest) relatives. Some reflections on that day:
1- I am not generally a shy person BUT a feel strangely alienated from many of my family members. They seem so different then me and my mother. There are a few aunts and uncles I can talk to and I love my grandparents but the rest- there is a distance there that I know is mostly in my head. Totally self-created. But its been there for a while. The oldest of my cousins is seven years younger then me- not that big of an age difference and I have a few freiends his age (even dated a few girls his age) but somehow the gap becomes strangley daunting in a familial setting. Weird. Maybe its the ambition level- all of my cosuins are driven and athletic. Most of my family is well off. Is it a class thing? Am I that shallow? Have I become a reverse snob without realizing it? Does the money intimidate me? I would not like to think that about myself. Again I know others who come from similar backgrounds and we all get along just fine. Again. Weird.
2- Why is it so hard for me (or many of my friends) to concieve of the possibility of turning ninety with the signifigant other of their dreams? Relationships seem so shallow nowadays for the most part. Fragile. Uneven. My grandparents have a great deal of respect for each other as well as love. They rarely condescend to each other. They really don't seem to edit their speech around each other. The rest of my family have pretty stable, relatively mature relationships (at least from an outsider's perspective). My mom is the only child to have gone through divorce (in her case twice). Maybe it is just the circle I run with but it seems that few of the people I know could handle this level of commitment, including myself (as has been repeatedly, and oftentimes painfully, demonstrated). Maybe it takes a level of maturity that we are unable to attain. Lately I have been reflecting on the fact that many (although certainly not all) of my reactions and responses have not changed much for the past nine years. Maybe I am being oversensitive- its quite possible that the changes were so gradual that I hardly noticed (like slowly adjusting the temperature of the water in a pool so that one is never aware of the change from cold to warm). I hope so because the alternative would be, at the very least, boring. At the worst it would indicate some sort of developmental retardation. But then again is the need for a permanant relationship, this strange urge for co-dependance that seems to infect many of us, also unhealthy? I don't really have the answer to that. Nor am I suggesting that I would like to find a mate and settle down and have ten babies and buy a fucking mini-van. For one thing I hate mini-vans.
3- Most importantly my grandparents rock. And that is really what I should have been focused on that day. But I have been reading a lot of Douglas Coupland and having a lot of "what-does-it-all-mean" talks with my roommates so my thought processes did tend to deviate.
Whatever the answers to life's questions are I hope I am as happy at ninety years old as my grandparents. And as healthy. God help me if I have to wear fucking diapers.
1- I am not generally a shy person BUT a feel strangely alienated from many of my family members. They seem so different then me and my mother. There are a few aunts and uncles I can talk to and I love my grandparents but the rest- there is a distance there that I know is mostly in my head. Totally self-created. But its been there for a while. The oldest of my cousins is seven years younger then me- not that big of an age difference and I have a few freiends his age (even dated a few girls his age) but somehow the gap becomes strangley daunting in a familial setting. Weird. Maybe its the ambition level- all of my cosuins are driven and athletic. Most of my family is well off. Is it a class thing? Am I that shallow? Have I become a reverse snob without realizing it? Does the money intimidate me? I would not like to think that about myself. Again I know others who come from similar backgrounds and we all get along just fine. Again. Weird.
2- Why is it so hard for me (or many of my friends) to concieve of the possibility of turning ninety with the signifigant other of their dreams? Relationships seem so shallow nowadays for the most part. Fragile. Uneven. My grandparents have a great deal of respect for each other as well as love. They rarely condescend to each other. They really don't seem to edit their speech around each other. The rest of my family have pretty stable, relatively mature relationships (at least from an outsider's perspective). My mom is the only child to have gone through divorce (in her case twice). Maybe it is just the circle I run with but it seems that few of the people I know could handle this level of commitment, including myself (as has been repeatedly, and oftentimes painfully, demonstrated). Maybe it takes a level of maturity that we are unable to attain. Lately I have been reflecting on the fact that many (although certainly not all) of my reactions and responses have not changed much for the past nine years. Maybe I am being oversensitive- its quite possible that the changes were so gradual that I hardly noticed (like slowly adjusting the temperature of the water in a pool so that one is never aware of the change from cold to warm). I hope so because the alternative would be, at the very least, boring. At the worst it would indicate some sort of developmental retardation. But then again is the need for a permanant relationship, this strange urge for co-dependance that seems to infect many of us, also unhealthy? I don't really have the answer to that. Nor am I suggesting that I would like to find a mate and settle down and have ten babies and buy a fucking mini-van. For one thing I hate mini-vans.
3- Most importantly my grandparents rock. And that is really what I should have been focused on that day. But I have been reading a lot of Douglas Coupland and having a lot of "what-does-it-all-mean" talks with my roommates so my thought processes did tend to deviate.
Whatever the answers to life's questions are I hope I am as happy at ninety years old as my grandparents. And as healthy. God help me if I have to wear fucking diapers.