the fake me...
Last night i finally realized something. well not really realized, but stopped lying to myself about things. I have admitted that i am fake. i have a fake personality, purely made up... my personality is not orignal, it is not who I am. it is who everyone else is. not following? let me explain...
everything i do, say, and sometimes think is and has always been something someone else says, does, or thinks. my reactions, my little sayings, my jokes, are all taken from people i've met. nothing i do is original and just me. NOTHING. the only genuine things about me are my feelings. the way i love my wife and daughter are me, the way i get mad or flustered is me. my emotions are really all i have that is Dale. everyone thinks i'm this hard working, selfless person. but let me let you all in on some secrets... i am not so hard working. i try to do as little as possible without beign conspicuous. the only time i do work hard is when it has to do with computers and networking. i trully love trouble shooting and fixing stuff. And let me tel you sbout beign selfless... it's not purely possible. grsnted i sacrifice a lot for y wife and my daughter, but honestly, i do it expecting little something in return. except for my daughter, for her i will do anything and everything with nothing needed in return except knowing she is safe. but being over here, i sometimes wish my wife would just thank me, tell me she's proud of me, let me know that being over here isn't completely just for cadence or a waste of time. and when i work on people's computers, i subconsciously make sure they know that i am the one that fixed it so I can get the recognition... i'm really s worthless turd in my eyes. the only happiness i get now is when Cadence recognizes me and says "dada". there should be more to happiness than that, something else should make me happy instead of only being happy once or twice a week.
i barely work out... i literaslly lack motivation to the highest degree. i have this vision of how i want to look, but yet i choose to sit in my room and watch movies or play games. going back to my problem finding a job. i could've tried harder. i could've found out about ITT if i asked around, made connections. but instead i let my wife do all the work. i always take the easy route and i don't know how to motivate myself... i coudl be doing correspondence courses, working on college, working out, running. but i sit in my little ghetto room that i half ass built and stare at my laptop screen. I cannot continue like this any longer. i cannot watch my life pass me by with so many opportunities in front of me. luckily i've been more active with getting my flight packet going, so i am somewhat proud of myself for sticking to it. but i won't be satisfied til i get an acceptance letter for fligh school. only then will i know i can do what i set out to do.
i don't want to be fake anymore, i want to be my own self. but how after 23 years of falseness can i develop my own image? I don't know if it's possible... my wife has her own busy life and hardly has timefor me, nonetheless help me sort through my baggage, so who is left? david works in a different section and works longer hours so i rarely see him. i am not close to anyone else here and all my close friends back home are rarely online when i am...
i am severely lost right now, i am trully at the low point of my 23 years of service on this planet...
everything i do, say, and sometimes think is and has always been something someone else says, does, or thinks. my reactions, my little sayings, my jokes, are all taken from people i've met. nothing i do is original and just me. NOTHING. the only genuine things about me are my feelings. the way i love my wife and daughter are me, the way i get mad or flustered is me. my emotions are really all i have that is Dale. everyone thinks i'm this hard working, selfless person. but let me let you all in on some secrets... i am not so hard working. i try to do as little as possible without beign conspicuous. the only time i do work hard is when it has to do with computers and networking. i trully love trouble shooting and fixing stuff. And let me tel you sbout beign selfless... it's not purely possible. grsnted i sacrifice a lot for y wife and my daughter, but honestly, i do it expecting little something in return. except for my daughter, for her i will do anything and everything with nothing needed in return except knowing she is safe. but being over here, i sometimes wish my wife would just thank me, tell me she's proud of me, let me know that being over here isn't completely just for cadence or a waste of time. and when i work on people's computers, i subconsciously make sure they know that i am the one that fixed it so I can get the recognition... i'm really s worthless turd in my eyes. the only happiness i get now is when Cadence recognizes me and says "dada". there should be more to happiness than that, something else should make me happy instead of only being happy once or twice a week.
i barely work out... i literaslly lack motivation to the highest degree. i have this vision of how i want to look, but yet i choose to sit in my room and watch movies or play games. going back to my problem finding a job. i could've tried harder. i could've found out about ITT if i asked around, made connections. but instead i let my wife do all the work. i always take the easy route and i don't know how to motivate myself... i coudl be doing correspondence courses, working on college, working out, running. but i sit in my little ghetto room that i half ass built and stare at my laptop screen. I cannot continue like this any longer. i cannot watch my life pass me by with so many opportunities in front of me. luckily i've been more active with getting my flight packet going, so i am somewhat proud of myself for sticking to it. but i won't be satisfied til i get an acceptance letter for fligh school. only then will i know i can do what i set out to do.
i don't want to be fake anymore, i want to be my own self. but how after 23 years of falseness can i develop my own image? I don't know if it's possible... my wife has her own busy life and hardly has timefor me, nonetheless help me sort through my baggage, so who is left? david works in a different section and works longer hours so i rarely see him. i am not close to anyone else here and all my close friends back home are rarely online when i am...
i am severely lost right now, i am trully at the low point of my 23 years of service on this planet...