Tales of a Graduate Nothing
Sometimes, I feel like it's time to reboot. To start myself over again.
I have so much..just junk. So many awful memories, so many wounds that are still raw and bloody, so many scars, so many reasons why I have trouble closing my eyes to sleep at night. One blissful night never changed how I feel, or how I felt. I think there's something wrong with the way my mind sees and processes things. I think I'm permanently scarred.
So I've been thinking lately. What if I slipped away one day when no one was paying attention. Just disappeared without a trace and started a new life far away, far different from my old one. Maybe just let everyone know I was okay so they didn't send the police after me, but change who I am. Because it feels like everything is crashing around me. Every stable pillar, every foundation; it's all cracking under me. It's going to fall out. I'm not sure if I can survive a fall like that. Maybe if I escape, become someone else, I don't have to feel anymore..at least feel the most painful parts of this life. Because all the knocks of life are becoming too much lately. I've opened myself up a little too wide these past three months. Stretched myself a bit too thin. Felt a bit too much. And it's burned me out.
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I'm not depressed. I'm just so utterly lost. A bit scared and worried, but more lost than anything. I'm in a fucking sea of faces and I'm sinking. That light in me has been replaced by a stone that's too heavy. May it swallow me whole.
I need to be fucking cold as steel. I need to cauterize the wound where my heart once was, and see if I can move on with everything. I feel too much and too deeply..and at the same time..feel nothing at all.
There's a goddamn mountain in my way.
I have so much..just junk. So many awful memories, so many wounds that are still raw and bloody, so many scars, so many reasons why I have trouble closing my eyes to sleep at night. One blissful night never changed how I feel, or how I felt. I think there's something wrong with the way my mind sees and processes things. I think I'm permanently scarred.
So I've been thinking lately. What if I slipped away one day when no one was paying attention. Just disappeared without a trace and started a new life far away, far different from my old one. Maybe just let everyone know I was okay so they didn't send the police after me, but change who I am. Because it feels like everything is crashing around me. Every stable pillar, every foundation; it's all cracking under me. It's going to fall out. I'm not sure if I can survive a fall like that. Maybe if I escape, become someone else, I don't have to feel anymore..at least feel the most painful parts of this life. Because all the knocks of life are becoming too much lately. I've opened myself up a little too wide these past three months. Stretched myself a bit too thin. Felt a bit too much. And it's burned me out.
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I'm not depressed. I'm just so utterly lost. A bit scared and worried, but more lost than anything. I'm in a fucking sea of faces and I'm sinking. That light in me has been replaced by a stone that's too heavy. May it swallow me whole.
I need to be fucking cold as steel. I need to cauterize the wound where my heart once was, and see if I can move on with everything. I feel too much and too deeply..and at the same time..feel nothing at all.
There's a goddamn mountain in my way.