therealljidol: week 2, "living rent-free in your head"
I really did not mean to break the Internet. I really did not mean to bring this horrible thing into people's lives. I really am extremely sorry about this. We were trying to solve a problem that may turn out actually to be unsolvable.
-Ethan Zuckerman, inventor of the internet pop-up ad, in an interview with Reply All
The first thing I should say is, I'm sorry.
The second is, it wasn't my idea. I know you don't believe me, but you have to. I wanted to stick with non-intrusive ads on the heads-up displays that everyone wears now. Your smart glasses would display a little piece of text in the corner that would tell you to buy whatever product the grocery store was pushing that day.
It didn't test well, though, and, well - I had a deadline to make and things to do. They wanted something non-obtrusive. I delivered on that, hard.
You don't have to roll your eyes at me, or send a rolling-eye gesture. I know what it must sound like. Yeah, yeah, the asshole who invented subliminal advertising nanos is sorry about what he did. I am, though, and that's the thing: it wasn't my idea. I was just the guy who made it happen.
Look, at least in the beginning, the only people who were ever going to end up with ads that had code that infected their immuno nanobots were those that were visiting sketchy sites to begin with. If you weren't looking up ways to download bootleg cats, you were watching some kind of bizarre pornography that previously hadn't been invented yet and which would probably be declared illegal in fifty countries in the next six months. The really weird shit.
I didn't know that it was going to work a little too well. Those companies that paid for their ads to have that injection script - they promised that they were only targeting real deviants, like the people who refuse to follow normal traffic rules and those that eat peanut butter and mustard sandwiches. You know the types. The ones that download all that weird porn.
But it did work, and suddenly they were able to inject it into everyone. Turn the weird porn people off of their weird porn, get them to go buy a new brand of peanut butter (and some better mustard, I guess) instead. Turn them away from whatever free pleasures they were exploring, and get them into stores to buy, buy, buy! Forget targeted advertising - we didn't have to worry about following you around the 'net anymore. Why bother when we could instead literally change your brain? Everyone wanted privacy, right? It seemed like such a good idea - you still got free content, and advertisers, well - they were willing to pay big bucks.
Before we knew it, all the major journalistic outlets had picked it up. There's not a lot of money in the news, besides the ads you manage to run, so that made sense. Peanut butter sales skyrocketed, and everyone wanted a piece of the pie.
Kind of ironic that it was someone from Ars Technica that first broke the story, since they were using the ads too, but hey. Who am I to judge?
They got some details right, but some of them wrong.
So here I am. To apologize and correct the record. First, the correction.
1). The nanobots do not infect you through the ads. You are already infected with nanobots, as part of being a human being existing in a society. Everyone gets the immunobots before they start school, public or private. It's the only way we were able to combat the ravanges of the measles epidemic after vaccination rates plummeted. Nanobots being what they are, close contact with someone else who has them means that eventually you end up with them, too, whether you paid for them or not. We're not responsible for the nanobots.
2). These are not targeted ads. They're haphazard, based loosely on demographic information. Are you in an area where there are a lot of legume allergies? Fine; we'll stick with advertising the better mustards to you. Are you in an area where people use peanut butter for extremely strange purposes? Great, we'll market the peanut-butter based glue to you. Are we going to harvest your browser history or track you around the 'net with cookies to do so? No.
3). The hacked nanobots do not display any visual information. If you are seeing visual hallucinations, please visit a licensed practicioner for a mental health screening. Auditory hallucinations, including dreams about peanut butter, mustard, or peanut-butter based glues, are part of the hacked nanobots, but only when you are grocery shopping (online or in person), and only when considering snack foods, sandwiches, or home repair.
Second, the apology:
I am sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've done, what's led to the destruction of the internet as we know it. There are no more banner ads, no more non-intrusive text ads, and no more popups. Instead, there's something much worse: a strange, peanut-butter based cult that has infected all of humanity with the desire to buy more legumes. We have greater privacy now, but at what cost?
I invented this thing and thrust it upon the world. I tried to solve a problem and only succeeded in creating another one.
So, I'm sorry.
"Ah," you are probably thinking, judging by the number of fuck-off gestures currently pouring through my heads-up display. "He said he's sorry, but he's not going to do anything about it."
Except I am.
If you're watching this technology, you are now immune to any hacking of your existing nanobots. You may notice that your inner voice has quieted and is no longer demanding that you stream that peanut butter special on pay-per-view later tonight. You're welcome.
Now go eat a decent sandwich.
- - -
This is obviously not real - at least I hope that much is obvious :) - but the quote from the interview above is very real. You can listen to the episode, or read a transcript, here.
I find myself thinking a lot about privacy, the internet, targeted advertising, and the future of what independent content will look like. I wouldn't be surprised if something that literally hacks our brains is not thought of at some point in the near future, not for any particularly grand purpose, but simply to sell us something more effectively.
Thanks for reading.
-Ethan Zuckerman, inventor of the internet pop-up ad, in an interview with Reply All
The first thing I should say is, I'm sorry.
The second is, it wasn't my idea. I know you don't believe me, but you have to. I wanted to stick with non-intrusive ads on the heads-up displays that everyone wears now. Your smart glasses would display a little piece of text in the corner that would tell you to buy whatever product the grocery store was pushing that day.
It didn't test well, though, and, well - I had a deadline to make and things to do. They wanted something non-obtrusive. I delivered on that, hard.
You don't have to roll your eyes at me, or send a rolling-eye gesture. I know what it must sound like. Yeah, yeah, the asshole who invented subliminal advertising nanos is sorry about what he did. I am, though, and that's the thing: it wasn't my idea. I was just the guy who made it happen.
Look, at least in the beginning, the only people who were ever going to end up with ads that had code that infected their immuno nanobots were those that were visiting sketchy sites to begin with. If you weren't looking up ways to download bootleg cats, you were watching some kind of bizarre pornography that previously hadn't been invented yet and which would probably be declared illegal in fifty countries in the next six months. The really weird shit.
I didn't know that it was going to work a little too well. Those companies that paid for their ads to have that injection script - they promised that they were only targeting real deviants, like the people who refuse to follow normal traffic rules and those that eat peanut butter and mustard sandwiches. You know the types. The ones that download all that weird porn.
But it did work, and suddenly they were able to inject it into everyone. Turn the weird porn people off of their weird porn, get them to go buy a new brand of peanut butter (and some better mustard, I guess) instead. Turn them away from whatever free pleasures they were exploring, and get them into stores to buy, buy, buy! Forget targeted advertising - we didn't have to worry about following you around the 'net anymore. Why bother when we could instead literally change your brain? Everyone wanted privacy, right? It seemed like such a good idea - you still got free content, and advertisers, well - they were willing to pay big bucks.
Before we knew it, all the major journalistic outlets had picked it up. There's not a lot of money in the news, besides the ads you manage to run, so that made sense. Peanut butter sales skyrocketed, and everyone wanted a piece of the pie.
Kind of ironic that it was someone from Ars Technica that first broke the story, since they were using the ads too, but hey. Who am I to judge?
They got some details right, but some of them wrong.
So here I am. To apologize and correct the record. First, the correction.
1). The nanobots do not infect you through the ads. You are already infected with nanobots, as part of being a human being existing in a society. Everyone gets the immunobots before they start school, public or private. It's the only way we were able to combat the ravanges of the measles epidemic after vaccination rates plummeted. Nanobots being what they are, close contact with someone else who has them means that eventually you end up with them, too, whether you paid for them or not. We're not responsible for the nanobots.
2). These are not targeted ads. They're haphazard, based loosely on demographic information. Are you in an area where there are a lot of legume allergies? Fine; we'll stick with advertising the better mustards to you. Are you in an area where people use peanut butter for extremely strange purposes? Great, we'll market the peanut-butter based glue to you. Are we going to harvest your browser history or track you around the 'net with cookies to do so? No.
3). The hacked nanobots do not display any visual information. If you are seeing visual hallucinations, please visit a licensed practicioner for a mental health screening. Auditory hallucinations, including dreams about peanut butter, mustard, or peanut-butter based glues, are part of the hacked nanobots, but only when you are grocery shopping (online or in person), and only when considering snack foods, sandwiches, or home repair.
Second, the apology:
I am sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've done, what's led to the destruction of the internet as we know it. There are no more banner ads, no more non-intrusive text ads, and no more popups. Instead, there's something much worse: a strange, peanut-butter based cult that has infected all of humanity with the desire to buy more legumes. We have greater privacy now, but at what cost?
I invented this thing and thrust it upon the world. I tried to solve a problem and only succeeded in creating another one.
So, I'm sorry.
"Ah," you are probably thinking, judging by the number of fuck-off gestures currently pouring through my heads-up display. "He said he's sorry, but he's not going to do anything about it."
Except I am.
If you're watching this technology, you are now immune to any hacking of your existing nanobots. You may notice that your inner voice has quieted and is no longer demanding that you stream that peanut butter special on pay-per-view later tonight. You're welcome.
Now go eat a decent sandwich.
- - -
This is obviously not real - at least I hope that much is obvious :) - but the quote from the interview above is very real. You can listen to the episode, or read a transcript, here.
I find myself thinking a lot about privacy, the internet, targeted advertising, and the future of what independent content will look like. I wouldn't be surprised if something that literally hacks our brains is not thought of at some point in the near future, not for any particularly grand purpose, but simply to sell us something more effectively.
Thanks for reading.