(no subject)
so things have been moving along nicely..im all registered for classes,which..im really really not looking forward to..i mean college is sweet but i just dont want to be at ulster. and it makes me really mad that im going there ,even if its only for like a semester. and then the lady in the transfer department actually made me cry cause i was like i want to go to eugene lang and then she called and got all this info about transferring after a semester at ulster..and i have to take the sats..and then this lady was like and you might not even get in and you should probably stay in ulster cause youll be paying alot in loans for eugene lang and all this stuff and i started crying and i guess to apply for eugene lang you have to have these 5 things to put in your portfolio and my mother was like what are you going to put in there you dont have 5 things that are good enough and you should just go to ulster for like 2 years..and i had a panic attack on the spot right there in the car just at the mere THOUGHT that i would have to stay in that house with her and that gross school with gross people for more than even ..like 6 months..i honestly dont think i could do it..so FUCK 2 years..and FUCK even 1..its not happening. so its safe to say my birthday was total shit,which with my luck was the only day that transfer lady could schedual that meeting along with the fact that it was my first birthday when my grandmother didnt call and sing happy birthday on the answering machine with her horrible horrible voice, i really wish i had saved one of those now. im not coping her death like i should be..like the only way for me to get through the day is for me to pretend it didnt happen and that shes safe at home and ill talk to her later..and i genuinely believe it sometimes,when things happen i always go to call her and tell her ,and sometimes i even let it ring a couple times before i realize shes gone..but the thing is that i dont know how to function without her..i mean she was my mother..my actual mother gave birth to me,but my grandmother raised me and took care of me everyday and actually acted like a mother should..and i havent been able to find a friend thats measured up to her since..its just so fucking hard..and its not getting easier, i mean she was supposed to be around for at least 20 more years,she was 63 and thats just fucked..like i was talking to someone about weddings( i have NO idea why ) and i said something about how i only want like 5 people there..and my mother didnt even come to mind ,but she did..and i just dont know how im going to do anything with out her ..im getting a tattoo for her this week,like a week before she died she wanted me to come up to her house and go get matching hummingbird tattoos together,and we never got to it..so im gonna do it ,with the first few lines of that EE cummings poem i carry your heart with me , on the bottom..i think its going to be at least some of the closure i need..i mean there wasnt a funeral or anything..she just disappeared and that was it..and im someone who needs closure. anyway ,we decided to stay in kingston after we discovered the stockade district,which is like a cleaner ,prettier,less kitchy version of woodstock kinda..so i guess thats good,but finding a place is gonna be tricky and theres a record shop im gonna get a job at cause my moms friends father owns it and he said hell give me the job if i pass some kind of music test which of course i will. my doctor put me on pills for having a underactive thyroid,and i havent been so tired lately so thats good..but my kidneys are starting to get fucked up again ,i can tell..its like im an old woman..i fucking hate it. oh and i got a check for $1000 bucks that my grandmother i guess had in stocks or something,and its such a bad idea that i have money..and an even worse idea that i have a credit card now..theres like a billion things i want and not even enough money so thats not fair.i think im just gonna get a mac,cause i hate this effing desktop thing its so slow and has like no programs and stuff and i just want something i can take in my room and lay on my bed and write or whatever and joey said he got one and its fab.so i think that would be a smart purchase..but im gonna see how much extra money i get from financial aid,cause i might be able to just get one with that..well see. joeys momma had her surgery and everything went well and i painted her a card and got her a gift card to adams cause i was gonna get flowers delivered to her but i figured theyd just die in a day anyway so she could go to adams and get real plants for her garden instead..and joey called me when she got it and we talked about how when we talk its like no time passes in between and we had one of those nice friend moments where your like oh bff and it was nice and i miss him and im really really jealous of him for like a jillion reasons but mainly cause hes going to lang in the fall and of course cause im jealous of his amazing family..which i think i officially decided..i love more than my own family..for very obvious reasons.so overall..im struggling but doing well..the struggling part isnt new but the doing good part is, and i keep having panic attacks cause i dont know how to handle all of this good change which is sad..but yeah. overall..everything is good i suppose.