(no subject)
the past four days have been like my head was a balloon...i havent even realized that shes dead yet, i wake up every morning and i think " i wonder how shes doing ,i wonder if shes coming down for moms birthday" and when i think of her face, i still picture her in the hospital attached to a bunch of machines ,hanging on,and i keep thinking that shell make it through it like she did last time.even as im writing this,its like..so unreal. her obituary comes out tomorrow in the poughkeepsie journal,i really wish my uncle had told me before he sent it in,i kind of wanted to write it,to give it some character instead of just saying her name and her family and past professions and all that shit.and we all went to my aunts house for dinner tonight to be with her,and all anyone could talk about was the bad stuff...how much she drank and when she was drunk and all the mean things she said toward the end,and it just made me so mad,cause everyone shouldnt focus on who she was for the past 8 years cause that WASNT who she was, before then she was so happy,and she was wierd,and selfless,and she was just a beautiful person,and all anyone can talk about is her demise.every one decided that we're going to sprinkle her ashes in ocean city ,maryland in late may, cause i guess that was what she told my grandfather she wanted,i think its cause when her and my grandfather went there on vacation ,it was the last time they were really happy together.i think seeing her ashes will force me to realize shes gone.even though its becoming more real every day. like tonight i was going through the jewelry she left me,and i saw this locket she had,and i opened it,and she had a picture of me in it,and i just started crying uncontrollably ,cause through all of the shit weve been through the past 8 years,i kind of lost sight of how much she really loved me.i cant type any more , its just too heavy right now.