This shit has got to end.....
I'm quite sick of Tommy again. Why does everyone think that we are good together, for some reason some stupid idea that we are so perfect is beyond me. He drinks WAY too much and maybe I am expecting too much. I don't want to think that or for that to be the truth though. He is paranoid, jealous, a jerk and..... AND he doesn't have sex with me anymore. Or if we do I don't enjoy it. I don't think he cares anymore. I have been having dreams about that certain friend of ours again. Instead this time not only about having sex it was love. Like this secret love for each other, the feeling was wonderful though. Maybe I don't feel that love anymore here, I mean I know he loves me but he really believes I won't leave. I just don't know what to do. I mean he won't let me leave but he won't make me happy either. Why does it always come down to this. Do I give too much of myself and don't for as much? Am I that openminded that I get mistreated some how? I would hope that's not true. I pride myself of being independent and strong. I don't get used it ain't me anymore. SO why this?!?!?!?! I don't NEED me as he needs me. Not being a pompus ass either, I just survive by myself just fine, yet he doesn't even walk straight without direction. I need to stop smoking. It's been long enough. I need to find something to calm my mind. I HATE this feeling, of some what being out of control again. I hope I rope this shit in, I need to be on my game for work tomorrow. HI HO