Psycho bitch School mate
Hello, this is my first entry to this community-huzzah.
Let me just say first that I know this girl d-lirium, personally.
If you would allow me vent a bit, I can tell you she is a complete nut. the rest if you care to read, will be under a cut.
She is a pathological liar, she's attention starved, she sleeps around (constantly cheating on her boyfriend(s), she always talks about how tough she is when she hasn't a scrap of muscle on her, and she's plagued with all the boys that 'love' her.
Not to be egotistical-but in looks, personality, and attitude-i'm a thousand times better. Yet I don't get hit on a quarter of how much she claims to be. She also likes to hint on her LJ how much she hates me, yet acts like my best friend in person (until I started to ignore and avoid her). Her more extreme posts have become farther in between, and this is the third journal she's had while i've known her.In her last one salviblood, she would cut herself and post pics in her blog. When her boyfriend broke up with her for the 3rd time, she wrote "I'm sorry" in blood on an old t-shirt of his and put it on his windshield. Her acts have gone so far that everyone in her class hates her. The best part is, she dislikes me because I've been 'talking behind her back for months', and that all my friends 'secretly hate me', 'and it brings her 'great pleasure to know such secrets and to see her wallow in misery', and etc, etc...Now, I do talk about her-thats a given.
But I started when I told her boyfriend about some thirty year old guy she was supposedly fucking in NY because he mozk is too good a friend to me to not tell him the truth, he told me in exchange about all those nasty things i've said about her for the last two months, yet the funny part is I had no recollection about saying any of those things, nor being miserable. And if my friends hated me-they wouldn't be telling me how much they can't stand her. I feel like i've gone back to High School with all this nonsense.
Alright, rant is over-under this cut you can read some of her 'pay attention to me posts', and a compilation she did of all her emo cutting-ness.
I can't say that I'm pleased with where my life is. But I can't help but look forward to where it is going... I'll let you know when I get there.
-I feel like I'm playing a game of Russian Roulette... only I'm the only one playing. Alone, myself, and an inevitable fate. Each click resounding in an empty chamber, how long until the bang? I close my eyes, and I'm alone... nothing but darkness, myself, and the trigger. Click. The edges of the darkness take forms after every click, encouraging me to pull the trigger again. Click. At first they are so unfamilar, eerie, and ghost like. But slowly they take forms of people I know, and the twist and contort into seemingly demonic reflections of themselves. Click. I can hear their words now... The Thieving Prince, The Earthen Mother, The Heartfelt Liar, The Gentle Brute, The Wayward Beldam, and The Blind Lover. They all call to me in slurred, echoing words. The barrel of the gun changes positions, pointing forward... Click. A brief moment of anger, The Wayward Beldam vanishes in smoke with the echoing sound of an empty chamber. Vanishing back into it's own lies, that's all it ever spoke. The remaining voices grow louder, speaking truths I don't wish to hear. I return the barrel to it's position against my head and pray aloud for silence. The Thieving Prince whispers behind me, speaking of our past, and vanishes back into the darkness. The Heartfelt Liar cries aloud, his tears sting me as they fall to the ground. He too, vanishes, his cries echoing faintly. Upon their disappearance... Click. The Earthen Mother screams at me, while The Gentle Brute says to hurry up and die, people have more important things to do. They too, fade away into the darkness. Their words and screams remaining in my ears, and all alone I face The Blind Lover. He moves beside me with warm embrace, and together... Bang. Lifeless. Rumpled on the floor. Alone. Blood. Darkness. The Blind Lover walks away.
-So tell me... why don't I feel any better? I feel worse in some ways, and just trapped in neutrality with most everything else. It seems no matter what I choose to do, or allow others to do... it's just not the right thing. Maybe, maybe there is no right thing to do?
-Well, the numb feeling devoid of any sentiment or emotion that I've had since yesterday has deteriorated into the normal depression. And I was doing so well there for a while too, damn them. And now all I have are my lovely relevations to keep me company since no one seems to care. I love how all the responses I've recieved thus far are all along the lines of fading silence to change the topic, the classic "suck it up" and "get over it", and the complete and utter ignoring of my presence.
Well, I think I'll make a list of my revelations:
1.) Thanks to past experiances and my borderline tendencies, I don't think I'll have be capable of having a lasting relationship whether I want it or not. The never ending subconcious reaction to constantly push away and back away from people will always be ever present, and cause an issue. And to ask anyone to deal with such insipid behavior is unfair and unkind. No one should have to ever deal with me on that level. It's mentally tiring, and beyond frusturating. Go me, I suck. I cause heartache because of heartache. I'm begining to think I was only crafted to continue this lovely cycle.
2.) Maintaining close friends is an impossiblity. For whatever reason people have always found the need to backstab, torment, harrass, belittle, and hurt me. Those I've held closest to me have always found away to break me apart for one reason or another. Well, save two people, Xavier & Javier I do believe we too much in the same boat to ever attempt to tear away at each other. And as for the new people I've met now, it's only a matter of time.
3.) My family will never love me. I will never be good enough for anyone, I will always be compared to others who have succeeded far beyond my capabilities. And it will forever be rubbed in my face. I will always have a mother who thrives on tearing me down and hurting me, physically and emotionally. I will always have step-fathers who leave my life for one reason or another. I will have extended family that will always look down upon how I choose to live my life. Because inter-racial dating might as well be a sin. Because fighting for gay rights goes against everything proclaimed in the fuckin' holy book. Because leaving the Catholic religion for an alternative, animistic religion is unforgivable. Because not acting like a proper, upper class white lady is deplorable. Even though I'm a punk-rocker, only HALF white, lower middle class with a rightfully earned hatred of that group shouldn't come into account. And I will always have a father I will never know, because he doesn't want to know me. He doesn't want to remember I exist... Because I'll probably never live up to his standards just like I don't live up to everyone else's. Because after this point in time...
And here's the crazy bitch herself...
Let me just say first that I know this girl d-lirium, personally.
If you would allow me vent a bit, I can tell you she is a complete nut. the rest if you care to read, will be under a cut.
She is a pathological liar, she's attention starved, she sleeps around (constantly cheating on her boyfriend(s), she always talks about how tough she is when she hasn't a scrap of muscle on her, and she's plagued with all the boys that 'love' her.
Not to be egotistical-but in looks, personality, and attitude-i'm a thousand times better. Yet I don't get hit on a quarter of how much she claims to be. She also likes to hint on her LJ how much she hates me, yet acts like my best friend in person (until I started to ignore and avoid her). Her more extreme posts have become farther in between, and this is the third journal she's had while i've known her.In her last one salviblood, she would cut herself and post pics in her blog. When her boyfriend broke up with her for the 3rd time, she wrote "I'm sorry" in blood on an old t-shirt of his and put it on his windshield. Her acts have gone so far that everyone in her class hates her. The best part is, she dislikes me because I've been 'talking behind her back for months', and that all my friends 'secretly hate me', 'and it brings her 'great pleasure to know such secrets and to see her wallow in misery', and etc, etc...Now, I do talk about her-thats a given.
But I started when I told her boyfriend about some thirty year old guy she was supposedly fucking in NY because he mozk is too good a friend to me to not tell him the truth, he told me in exchange about all those nasty things i've said about her for the last two months, yet the funny part is I had no recollection about saying any of those things, nor being miserable. And if my friends hated me-they wouldn't be telling me how much they can't stand her. I feel like i've gone back to High School with all this nonsense.
Alright, rant is over-under this cut you can read some of her 'pay attention to me posts', and a compilation she did of all her emo cutting-ness.
I can't say that I'm pleased with where my life is. But I can't help but look forward to where it is going... I'll let you know when I get there.
-I feel like I'm playing a game of Russian Roulette... only I'm the only one playing. Alone, myself, and an inevitable fate. Each click resounding in an empty chamber, how long until the bang? I close my eyes, and I'm alone... nothing but darkness, myself, and the trigger. Click. The edges of the darkness take forms after every click, encouraging me to pull the trigger again. Click. At first they are so unfamilar, eerie, and ghost like. But slowly they take forms of people I know, and the twist and contort into seemingly demonic reflections of themselves. Click. I can hear their words now... The Thieving Prince, The Earthen Mother, The Heartfelt Liar, The Gentle Brute, The Wayward Beldam, and The Blind Lover. They all call to me in slurred, echoing words. The barrel of the gun changes positions, pointing forward... Click. A brief moment of anger, The Wayward Beldam vanishes in smoke with the echoing sound of an empty chamber. Vanishing back into it's own lies, that's all it ever spoke. The remaining voices grow louder, speaking truths I don't wish to hear. I return the barrel to it's position against my head and pray aloud for silence. The Thieving Prince whispers behind me, speaking of our past, and vanishes back into the darkness. The Heartfelt Liar cries aloud, his tears sting me as they fall to the ground. He too, vanishes, his cries echoing faintly. Upon their disappearance... Click. The Earthen Mother screams at me, while The Gentle Brute says to hurry up and die, people have more important things to do. They too, fade away into the darkness. Their words and screams remaining in my ears, and all alone I face The Blind Lover. He moves beside me with warm embrace, and together... Bang. Lifeless. Rumpled on the floor. Alone. Blood. Darkness. The Blind Lover walks away.
-So tell me... why don't I feel any better? I feel worse in some ways, and just trapped in neutrality with most everything else. It seems no matter what I choose to do, or allow others to do... it's just not the right thing. Maybe, maybe there is no right thing to do?
-Well, the numb feeling devoid of any sentiment or emotion that I've had since yesterday has deteriorated into the normal depression. And I was doing so well there for a while too, damn them. And now all I have are my lovely relevations to keep me company since no one seems to care. I love how all the responses I've recieved thus far are all along the lines of fading silence to change the topic, the classic "suck it up" and "get over it", and the complete and utter ignoring of my presence.
Well, I think I'll make a list of my revelations:
1.) Thanks to past experiances and my borderline tendencies, I don't think I'll have be capable of having a lasting relationship whether I want it or not. The never ending subconcious reaction to constantly push away and back away from people will always be ever present, and cause an issue. And to ask anyone to deal with such insipid behavior is unfair and unkind. No one should have to ever deal with me on that level. It's mentally tiring, and beyond frusturating. Go me, I suck. I cause heartache because of heartache. I'm begining to think I was only crafted to continue this lovely cycle.
2.) Maintaining close friends is an impossiblity. For whatever reason people have always found the need to backstab, torment, harrass, belittle, and hurt me. Those I've held closest to me have always found away to break me apart for one reason or another. Well, save two people, Xavier & Javier I do believe we too much in the same boat to ever attempt to tear away at each other. And as for the new people I've met now, it's only a matter of time.
3.) My family will never love me. I will never be good enough for anyone, I will always be compared to others who have succeeded far beyond my capabilities. And it will forever be rubbed in my face. I will always have a mother who thrives on tearing me down and hurting me, physically and emotionally. I will always have step-fathers who leave my life for one reason or another. I will have extended family that will always look down upon how I choose to live my life. Because inter-racial dating might as well be a sin. Because fighting for gay rights goes against everything proclaimed in the fuckin' holy book. Because leaving the Catholic religion for an alternative, animistic religion is unforgivable. Because not acting like a proper, upper class white lady is deplorable. Even though I'm a punk-rocker, only HALF white, lower middle class with a rightfully earned hatred of that group shouldn't come into account. And I will always have a father I will never know, because he doesn't want to know me. He doesn't want to remember I exist... Because I'll probably never live up to his standards just like I don't live up to everyone else's. Because after this point in time...
And here's the crazy bitch herself...