Eating stuff.
I wanted to start this journal with something like, We all know I've always had trouble and struggles with food and my diet. But then, not many people read this, so I think I'll just go for -
I know my struggles with food have been a severe, if not entirely engulfing, kind of problem. I've spent journal after journal writing about how I didn't want food to control me anymore. I've spent hours taking trip after trip to the fridge, figuring out what the next thing I could shove into my mouth would be. Bingeing on thousands of calories at a time, eating entire batches of cookies, laying in bed with Tums on my side table, wishing I could do anything to stop my stomach from feeling so overwhelmed. Waking up the next morning, wondering immediately if my path that day would be to continue bingeing or to "start over" and eat "better".
I spent much of the last couple years of high school and first couple years of college thinking about nothing more than my weight. Going from eating very little and exercising way too much, to bingeing and punishing myself mentally. These years were wasted, and they're gone now.
After reading a book my mom had about not dieting anymore, I spent time struggling between "Ahhh I don't want to do this anymore" and "No, it's my control, I have to keep my control, I have to strive to be thin or I'm going to get huge." It took me years, four years, multiple books about not dieting, lots of bingeing and trying very hard to be gentle on myself, to get to where I am today. I am not healed, I still have a very weird relationship with food and I know that. But I am at the point where I no longer binge and I no longer restrict. This place that I am at is one where I am actually able to focus on my life, rather than thinking about food all day and all night.
Without focusing on food, I've gone from 150 lbs to 130ish, always fluctuating. I'm really glad this has happened and I'm hoping it's a representation of my ability to just eat without it controlling my life. I'm kind of surprised I never got above 150, though I think it might have something to do with the fact that I've been on the verge of having hyperthyroidism for a while.
When I think about this, one of the few things that comes to mind is that I just hope someday I have a healthy enough relationship with food and my body, that I don't pass this onto my children. I want them to be confident in their bodies, and I want them to eat like food is just food and not as if it's feeding something else within them.
This all being said, me and Tom are talking about doing the Paleo thing. Opposite of my vegan years. It doesn't concern me to do something like this in the way it used to, but it could be triggering. Restricting in any way can spark that sense of accomplishment, and it can be a dangerous path. The point of this is absolutely not to lose weight, but just to rid myself of some internal physical problems I'm having. Things like consistent migraines/headaches, constant fatigue (like, we're talking literally every day I'm tired constantly), etc.
I've started seeing a therapist, so I feel if I did feel those weird twinges of control I would hopefully be able to talk that over with her and start to understand those feelings better but also so I do not go down that path fully.
I might start writing about it here, but this is just the start.
We shall see.