(no subject)
Things have been a lot better between me and Tom.
We went through a brief period of falling apart. I've realized that I believe it was primarily due to not letting go of Stephan, not being ready to. It's hard when you've been with someone as long as I was with Stephan. They become more than your significant other, they are a part of you. Especially because I was growing and I was trying to become myself but in becoming myself, I had another person grow with me and therefore was a part of who I had become.
So I was then forced to let go of that and be ripped apart and then try to rebuild at age 21. And that's just hard in and of itself. People wouldn't understand unless they've been through it.
I almost didn't make it through the other side. There was a lot of pain and fear, a lot of sinking. A lot of sitting in bathtubs listening to Cat Stevens and not ever wanting to leave. Wishing I could drown in my lavender bubbles, being gone seemed easier than trying to come out the other side.
I made it out though. And the point is that after two years and three months, I finally feel like I'm letting go. I'm capable of loving Tom as much as he is of loving me.
We've been through some serious ups and downs. We've grown so much together.
It's a shame that Stephan couldn't make an appearance back into my life. So we could smooth things over. I obviously crave closure way more than he does. He was always far more zen and go with the flow than I was. I never thought he'd just sort of forget about us, never want to look back. Maybe I was just the worst person ever, or maybe he just doesn't care at all anymore.
It's hard for me. Obviously a lot harder than it is for him. But we were never really on the same page about how we experienced the world. He taught me a lot, he helped develop me into who I am.
It's just disappointing that it's 100% over, no friendship, not even a feeling of ease when I see him. I generally avoid Rhino.
But I'm happy I have Tom. And I couldn't be happier that we are doing so well and learning so much from each other. I also must say it's nice to have someone to wrestle with.
Eh.
We went through a brief period of falling apart. I've realized that I believe it was primarily due to not letting go of Stephan, not being ready to. It's hard when you've been with someone as long as I was with Stephan. They become more than your significant other, they are a part of you. Especially because I was growing and I was trying to become myself but in becoming myself, I had another person grow with me and therefore was a part of who I had become.
So I was then forced to let go of that and be ripped apart and then try to rebuild at age 21. And that's just hard in and of itself. People wouldn't understand unless they've been through it.
I almost didn't make it through the other side. There was a lot of pain and fear, a lot of sinking. A lot of sitting in bathtubs listening to Cat Stevens and not ever wanting to leave. Wishing I could drown in my lavender bubbles, being gone seemed easier than trying to come out the other side.
I made it out though. And the point is that after two years and three months, I finally feel like I'm letting go. I'm capable of loving Tom as much as he is of loving me.
We've been through some serious ups and downs. We've grown so much together.
It's a shame that Stephan couldn't make an appearance back into my life. So we could smooth things over. I obviously crave closure way more than he does. He was always far more zen and go with the flow than I was. I never thought he'd just sort of forget about us, never want to look back. Maybe I was just the worst person ever, or maybe he just doesn't care at all anymore.
It's hard for me. Obviously a lot harder than it is for him. But we were never really on the same page about how we experienced the world. He taught me a lot, he helped develop me into who I am.
It's just disappointing that it's 100% over, no friendship, not even a feeling of ease when I see him. I generally avoid Rhino.
But I'm happy I have Tom. And I couldn't be happier that we are doing so well and learning so much from each other. I also must say it's nice to have someone to wrestle with.
Eh.