(no subject)
I haven't updated this thing in forever. Way too long.
The last couple months have probably been the most difficult I've ever gone through.
I moved in with Jillian from like February-mid February, I spent most of the time looking out the window on her top story downtown apartment, smoking cigarettes and listening to "Somebody That I Used to Know" on repeat. Either that or laying on the couch, sleeping, watching God knows what on HBO on demand. I got put on antidepressants around this time.
One day I drove home to get some clothes or something, and just couldn't get myself to drive back downtown. A few days in, I tried, but had to pull over for 15 minutes midway and felt nauseous. So I drove home. Jillian got mad at me, yada yada. I moved out.
I dropped out of school. I wasn't able to get there when I was super depressed, unable to move or motivate myself to do anything.
I've been at my mom's, every day feels like a rollercoaster, I'll wake up and be fine, then start freaking out midday, then calm myself down or break down, etc. It's just never ending.
Really what it comes down to is that I miss Stephan, I miss a lot of things in my "old life" and I start wondering if I've made so many mistakes that I'm just damned and nothing will ever get better. But I know that isn't true. I just have to ride the wave, and I'm not too good at that.
I did get a job last Friday, I'm going to be a caregiver. I'm super excited, I think this is my new door, my window of opportunity. To pick myself up off the ground, and move forward. And I just hope to God that's what happens. I can't take anymore low points, they're too low.
This is me as of late.
The last couple months have probably been the most difficult I've ever gone through.
I moved in with Jillian from like February-mid February, I spent most of the time looking out the window on her top story downtown apartment, smoking cigarettes and listening to "Somebody That I Used to Know" on repeat. Either that or laying on the couch, sleeping, watching God knows what on HBO on demand. I got put on antidepressants around this time.
One day I drove home to get some clothes or something, and just couldn't get myself to drive back downtown. A few days in, I tried, but had to pull over for 15 minutes midway and felt nauseous. So I drove home. Jillian got mad at me, yada yada. I moved out.
I dropped out of school. I wasn't able to get there when I was super depressed, unable to move or motivate myself to do anything.
I've been at my mom's, every day feels like a rollercoaster, I'll wake up and be fine, then start freaking out midday, then calm myself down or break down, etc. It's just never ending.
Really what it comes down to is that I miss Stephan, I miss a lot of things in my "old life" and I start wondering if I've made so many mistakes that I'm just damned and nothing will ever get better. But I know that isn't true. I just have to ride the wave, and I'm not too good at that.
I did get a job last Friday, I'm going to be a caregiver. I'm super excited, I think this is my new door, my window of opportunity. To pick myself up off the ground, and move forward. And I just hope to God that's what happens. I can't take anymore low points, they're too low.
This is me as of late.