The Press Conference
By Sean Sagan
November 14, 2007
On the seventh Tuesday in May God decided that he had had enough of all the quibbling over the nature of his existence and as such, decided to hold a news conference. The conference was announced by Dana Perino, the White House Press Secretary and naturally was to be televised and broadcasted exclusively on a joint cooperation of Fox News and Clear Channel. Of course, this being a free society and all, representatives from all the other news and media outlets were hand picked and subsequently invited by the White House. According to the official and initial press release, God had faxed the President a list of those he wished to be in attendance along with a "recommended questions sheet/talking point’s memo." However God, who was more used to communicating via telepathy or apparitions in tortillas only had access to a mid-nineties model Dell fax machine that first jammed and then sent the list to a wrong number. On the third try however God reached the White House. "One try for each segment of the Trinity" God joked on the memo line.
The White House had planned a tribute breakfast to the Lord on the morning of the press conference. The breakfast was resplendent with all sorts of holy, Christian edibles including copious amounts of pancakes, waffles, Freedom Toast, eggs, bacon, ham, sausage, toast and plenty of orange juice, cranberry juice, champagne and vodka to wash it down. There was a brief scuffle when one stray intern observed that the smorgasbord of aforementioned "government pork" may drive away Jews and Muslims but the offender was subdued and led away. God was not hungry and as such informed the staff that as a deity, he did not need to eat and that his bounty was laid out for his children. That said he bade all the poor white Senators, Congressmen, Lobbyists, staffers, ministers, bureaucrats and Clarence Thomas to eat their fill.
The Press Conference was somewhat late in occurring. God, being such a good friend of the administration took some time to miraculously heal the Administration’s poll numbers and to play a quick game of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City with the President himself. After a raucous rendition of "I Ran" by Flock of Seagulls the event coordinators determined that it was time to start the conference. The Vice President was escorted to an undisclosed location while the President and God made their way to the Rose Garden.
God being God entered to smattering of polite applause and though not at the level of celebrity of a pre-breakdown Lindsey Lohan, it was more than appropriate for the creator of the universe. The President took the podium first to introduce the Lord Almighty. "It is with great pleasure," the President announced, "to introduce you to a fellow who needs no introduction. This guy invented both wood and hard work and rocks even harder than the Cheap Trick! My fellow Americans, I give you the one, the only, The Lord."
God took approached the podium, cleared his throat, and began to speak. "It is with…BRREEEEPPPPP!" The feedback generated by the voice of the King of Kings was tremendous. Several people went deaf and Sean Hannity's trade mark brown locks turned a pearl white. So powerful was the treble of the Lord that it took the tech and IT people a full three minutes before the conference could proceed. "Sorry about that" God said. "This is why I don't do radio." He was answered with expected silence punctuated by a handful of unsure hand clappers. "Hey is this thing on?" He asked as he tapped the mic. "Hummuna Hummuna Hummuna." As the crown continued to wait expectantly God opted to launch directly into the conference itself.
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, it is an honor to be here with you today. I decided to hold this conference because so many of you still don't seem to get what I'm all about. Now I don't want to go into details here, you can look it all up on my website, www.gods.net/godofabraham/christian.html." Click on Bible Talking Points and there you go. Therefore, I've decided to open the floor up directly for questions. Yes you." God said, pointing to a young man in the third row.
Unbeknownst to White House security the man who stood up was a certain University of Florida student who through sheer cosmic coincidence has received the second erroneous fax. Seizing the opportunity to be confrontational before the Judge of Men, he caught a bus to DC and snuck into the event by posing as an undocumented Ecuadorian sous chef. His question was not so much a question but a long rambling string of accusations about God's presumed inaction to societal woes. Security naturally moved in on the heckler but as they apprehended him, God stopped the proceeding saying "No, no, let me answer his question." At that he reached out, pointed his finger and expelled from his fingertip a brilliant bolt of holy lightning. It arched across the room, burned the hair from Ann Coulter’s upper lip and struck the heckler full in the torso, reducing him in the blink of an eye to mere ash. "Sorry 'bro,'" said God. "Sometimes you need to be tased."
"Heheheh," the president chuckled. "Just like in Indiana Jones."
"Let’s make this as quick as possible." God announced. I have a cloud of locusts to convene at 1:30. I'll just lay out the plan for you right here." I hate fags, Muslims follow the Moon God Satan, and Jews are incomplete Christians except for those secular, Madison Avenue-Hollywood Jews who control the Liberal media. They're of the Devil too. All other religions, Catholics, Mormons, Hindus, Buddhists etc, yeah they're all destined for hell also. Unless Mitt Romney wins the next election, we'll let him in." God continued. "Abortions wrong, "he said. "Pro-life, yada-yada-yada. We need to cherish life while it's in the belly of the mother. After that if they can't pull themselves up by their boot straps fuck em."
Tim Russert, the media’s token skeptic muscled in a question. “How do we know you’re really God?” He asked. “For all we know you could just be some guy off the street.”
“Because,” God answered, I’m wearing a nice suit, why would a street person be wearing such nice clothes?”
“Ahhh.” The assembled media collectively intoned and furiously penned the reply to their note pads.
“Doesn’t the bible say love thy neighbor and don’t cast stones?” pressed Anderson Cooper. “How do you account for all the injustice born of intolerance, bigotry and xenophobia?”
“Well,” answered God, “it seems to me that neighborliness only goes so far as to telling the unbelievers about me. After that, if they don’t comply bomb em.” As for the casting of stones bit…well we’d expect those kinds of words from someone as ‘iffy’ as you. Next question.”
“How about helping the poor?” The nasally NPR correspondent whined.
"Money is my gift to you." God intoned. "Cherish it and worship it for it is an extension of me. In God you trust because I gave my green to you wash clear any sins you could buy your way out of.
God looked at his wristwatch and blew out softly at the rapid passage of time.
“All right folks.” He announced. “Those locusts aren’t going to swarm themselves so let’s wrap this dog and pony show up. Homosexuality is amoral and only tolerable if the queer in question holds public office in the GOP. Root all others out. And don't get me started on the transgenders, yikes! How gross is that? I made you in that body and if I wanted to fuck up your psyche by giving you an opposite gendered soul that’s too bad for you. Life sucks.
Before I forget, evolution is wrong. Though I know it may seem like some of you are half monkey - ‘nudge-nudge, wink-wink George’ - the sad fact is that monkeys are cuter than all of you.
And you know what? Keep messing up the environment. I promised to destroy the world by fire so all the extra warming ya'll do means the less time I have to spend raining down fire and brimstone and the more time I get to spend watching Dancing with the Stars and 24. Have at it."
With that God left the podium, had a brief book signing for his new manuscript, God; My Life and Works, took some time to kibitz with Trent Lott and finally disappeared in a shining flash." And just as is foretold in the King James Bible, the world ended, almost everyone went to hell - including Mitt Romney - and God lived happily ever after…until he grew sick of the President always beating him at Super Smash Bros."