One of the most unfair things in life: being rendered helpless by and to the forces of your own body
I have no one to talk to...I really need to get this out because the longer I don't the worse my heart is going to hurt. No one needs to read this because it won't be interesting, just sad...
My brother Michael is 22. We have a weird relationship. I find myself often feeling jealous of him. I'm jealous of his relationship with my parents and my little brother, though I really have no reason to be because I have an equally good relationship with all of them. I don't know why but I get bitchy towards him when my mom is around. She said something to me about it over the summer and I got really weirded out. No one has ever challenged me about it so I didn't really know what to say. I sort of defended it, but it really made me feel like an asshole. I wish Michael and I could be closer but I feel like, I don't know what I feel like. Maybe I feel like I'm just not cool enough for him. I feel like he won't accept me or the way I am. I feel like in order for us to get along I have to be a pot head or just something other than I am. There's always been a sense of competition between us. I was always more athletic and got better grades and did the shit I was supposed to do. Michael was always on the opposite trail. His grades were average, but he didn't really do anything, so they could have been better. He wasn't a bad athlete, but he always got the shitty end of the deal. But my mom said once that the difference between us was I was book smart and Michael was street smart. I don't know why that always bothered me. It shouldn't, but it still does. Well anyway, this is all sort of irrelevant. The point is, I never really feel like it's all that big of a deal that we don't get along until times like now, when something goes wrong.
My brother has had epilepsy since he was in 7th grade. I've never ever said this to anyone and usually won't even let myself acknowledge the thought, but I resent him for that. God I wish I didn't. Maybe this is a good time to give that up. Maybe right now I just need to get over it. This stupid bullshit will only make things so much harder between us. He needs a sister not an enemy.
He hasn't had a seisure for almost 2 years. He was planning on getting his license within the next 3 months. He just started drinking for the first time this summer. His life was getting pretty much back to normal. He just started going to Rutgers to get his bachelors. He started yesterday.
My dad was driving him to school this morning. He had a seisure. He had a hot cup of tea in his lap. He burned himself really bad...and it wasn't exactly his legs. My dad brought him to the hospital because he was really bad off. He usually is reall disoriented for a few hours after and has a really bad headache. I guess this time he wasn't really getting any better. At 5:30 he had another seisure. I don't think he's ever had 2 in a 24 hour period, ever. My heart is breaking for him. It's not fair. He doesn't deserve this. He's such a good person. He never did anything to deserve this. He's so helpless. My parents are helpless. No one can do anything. It fucking scares me to death to think that...
I hate this. This is when I want to know what kind of a fucking God would let this happen.
My brother Michael is 22. We have a weird relationship. I find myself often feeling jealous of him. I'm jealous of his relationship with my parents and my little brother, though I really have no reason to be because I have an equally good relationship with all of them. I don't know why but I get bitchy towards him when my mom is around. She said something to me about it over the summer and I got really weirded out. No one has ever challenged me about it so I didn't really know what to say. I sort of defended it, but it really made me feel like an asshole. I wish Michael and I could be closer but I feel like, I don't know what I feel like. Maybe I feel like I'm just not cool enough for him. I feel like he won't accept me or the way I am. I feel like in order for us to get along I have to be a pot head or just something other than I am. There's always been a sense of competition between us. I was always more athletic and got better grades and did the shit I was supposed to do. Michael was always on the opposite trail. His grades were average, but he didn't really do anything, so they could have been better. He wasn't a bad athlete, but he always got the shitty end of the deal. But my mom said once that the difference between us was I was book smart and Michael was street smart. I don't know why that always bothered me. It shouldn't, but it still does. Well anyway, this is all sort of irrelevant. The point is, I never really feel like it's all that big of a deal that we don't get along until times like now, when something goes wrong.
My brother has had epilepsy since he was in 7th grade. I've never ever said this to anyone and usually won't even let myself acknowledge the thought, but I resent him for that. God I wish I didn't. Maybe this is a good time to give that up. Maybe right now I just need to get over it. This stupid bullshit will only make things so much harder between us. He needs a sister not an enemy.
He hasn't had a seisure for almost 2 years. He was planning on getting his license within the next 3 months. He just started drinking for the first time this summer. His life was getting pretty much back to normal. He just started going to Rutgers to get his bachelors. He started yesterday.
My dad was driving him to school this morning. He had a seisure. He had a hot cup of tea in his lap. He burned himself really bad...and it wasn't exactly his legs. My dad brought him to the hospital because he was really bad off. He usually is reall disoriented for a few hours after and has a really bad headache. I guess this time he wasn't really getting any better. At 5:30 he had another seisure. I don't think he's ever had 2 in a 24 hour period, ever. My heart is breaking for him. It's not fair. He doesn't deserve this. He's such a good person. He never did anything to deserve this. He's so helpless. My parents are helpless. No one can do anything. It fucking scares me to death to think that...
I hate this. This is when I want to know what kind of a fucking God would let this happen.