Invictus Chapter 50/59
NoG to read: 50
When Harry rapped his manacle against the bars, Severus immediately put a halt to his brewing and headed down to the cellar. As he stepped through the bars, he focused his attention on the ring still piercing Harry’s nipple to show he meant no harm. “If I don’t remove that soon, I will be unable to remove it without giving you a painkiller.” Harry made no objection when Severus approached the bed. Moving his hand slowly to show he meant no attack, Severus picked up the ring and removed it with one quick twist of his fingers.
“Ouch!” cried Harry.
It shouldn't have hurt him. “Do you need a pain killer?” Severus asked as he withdrew an analgesic salve from his robes.
“No,” said Harry, closing his eyes. “I’m fine.”
Severus brushed the salve over Harry’s nipple before instructing, “Turn around so that I may examine your back.”
Harry obeyed and Severus bent forward to examine the wounds. They had closed up nicely. Soon, there wouldn’t be a trace. He dabbed the salve in the small holes that remained, hoping that the potion would mask any pain. As he worked, he gently reminded Harry, “Tonight I will have to hurt you.” He didn’t want to, especially when Harry remained so upset, but if he didn’t have a vision for the Dark Lord, the Dark Lord would punish him. He couldn’t risk losing Harry so close to the end. Everything had to go according to plan. “I realise this is not an ideal time for torture; however, the Dark Lord will arrive tomorrow and I must have a memory for him. I placed a mild aphrodisiac in your pumpkin juice in order to help you play your role.” One in his arm helped him with his.
Harry said nothing.
Severus reminded him, “As always, if you say 'stop,' I will, but you must try to bear it as best you can.”
“I can do it,” Harry insisted.
Could he? They didn’t have a choice. Once Severus had finished covering Harry’s wounds in the salve, he asked him, “Are you hungry?” He stepped away to wash his hands in the sink.
“Yes,” said Harry without his usual enthusiasm.
Maybe Severus should have added a calming potion to Harry’s food.
They ate quietly, Harry focused on his meal. Without lifting his eyes, he asked, “How can I break out of my cuffs?”
Although that information was forbidden knowledge, Severus answered anyway. “Destructive Dark Magic, cast directly at the cuffs. This method will also enable you to destroy chains, or any other conjured item.”
“How Dark?” Harry asked as he glanced up at Severus. “Will a Sectumsempra destroy it or do I need them to cast something like the Killing Curse?”
Did he have something planned? “The Sectumsempra is sufficient. The magic must be Dark enough to result in the destruction or removal of your hand should you be careless enough
to allow the spell to strike your wrist.”
Harry said nothing more until he’d finished his meal. He looked at Severus and said, “I don’t feel anything.”
The aphrodisiac would take a bit longer to kick in. Severus’s own had already started to take effect. “You will. No go sit on your bed.” Clearing the dishes, he walked over to Harry’s toiletries. Picking up the mouthwash, he re-filled it, then set it on the sink and slowly blinked. No matter how many tries this took, he would get through it. He had to.
Now. What would realistically cause Harry to submit completely to him? Turning back to Harry, he asked, “Are you scared of Lucius Malfoy?”
“Yes, Master,” said Harry, his voice different; smaller, somehow.
“Do you wish to be protected from him?”
“Please, Master.” A tremour ran through his words, although his back remained straight and proud.
“Will you give yourself to me completely in exchange for my protection?”
“Yes, Master.”
“I have a reward for you.” Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew the collar he’d prepared earlier. A simple, black strip of leather, he’d built a Muggle clasp into it, so Harry could take it off himself.
“Yes, Master?”
Stepping over to Harry, Severus cast an alerting spell before he placed the collar around Harry’s neck. Now, the moment someone else removed it, he’d know. He tightened it as much as he dared, then stroked his fingers across one pale cheek, just below Harry’s beautiful eyes. “As long as you please me, I will protect and guide you. But first, you need to be trained to please me. I have always been generous with pleasure, have I not?”
“Yes, Master.”
“Now, your pleasure shall come through mine. Please me and I shall please you in return. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Master.”
“You must learn to rely on me completely. Obscuro!”
With the eyes obscured, it was easy to replace Harry with Adam, the wanton minx who loved to be fucked, who’d want to be owned and controlled. “Come here, slave.”
Adam slid off the bed, crawling across the floor slowly, but with purpose. He played coy, but he wanted this. He’d been wanting it for some time.
Severus conjured a chair for himself. “Stop, turn around, and spread your cheeks for me.”
Naturally, Adam obeyed, although he pretended to still cling to his modesty. He always enjoyed making Severus work. “Spread your legs.”
Adam moved them just inches apart.
“Farther,” Severus growled, although he suspected Adam had been petulant on purpose, to earn a punishment.
This time, Adam spread his legs enough for Severus to clearly see his pucker. Bending forward and casting a cleaning spell, Severus brushed his finger over the tight folds of flesh. He was rewarded with a sharp intake of breath. As much as Adam pretended otherwise sometimes, he loved being fucked.
“This”, said Severus, tapping the flesh, “belongs to me now. The Dark Lord has granted my request that only I be allowed access here.” Adam enjoyed playing Master and slave. It was his favourite roleplay scenario.
“Thank you, Master,” said Ha- no, Adam.
Fetching a paper weight that he’d transfigured to match a toy he’d seen in one of the magazines, he coated it with lube. A series of ever increase balls ended in a flared tip, it felt a bit too heavy in his hands when he looked at Adam’s delicate body, and he lightened the weight. Pressing the tip of it against Adam’s hole, he pushed the first ball passed the tight ring. Adam gasped, his legs quivering. Slowly, languidly, Severus skewered him, noting how his cock filled and his body hungrily sucked up the toy, taking it deep. Adam had always needed something filling his arse. The bigger the toy or cock, the harder he came.
Settling back to enjoy the view for a moment, Severus adjusted himself. So many things he wanted to do to that body. But he had to be careful. Adam was delicate and new to the scene. Standing, he conjured a leash and tugging on it, ordered, “Come.” He kept his eyes on the door instead of on Adam. At the door, he blinked heavily and slowly before entering the library and leading Adam over to the sofa. “Lie on your back.”
Adam obeyed, his movements tight and his limbs against his torso as if he were trying to cover himself. He was just playing coy.
“Spread your legs,” Severus commanded him sharply. “You must always spread your legs unless I give you a command to the contrary.”
“Yes, Master.”
Admiring the view before him, Severus lazily freed his cock. As he slowly stroked it, he spelled the leash to rise in the air and float through the air before it brushed against Adam’s soft lips. Teasingly, he trailed it over Adam’s trim torso, noting how the thick cock twitched whenever he played with a nipple.
He teased him until Adam’s hips rose frantically, and breathless moans escaped his lips. Wanting to drive him mad, Severus cast a movement spell on the toy, driving it deep into Adam. Adam groaned, his hips straining, trying to fuck himself on the toy faster.
His strokes matching the thrust of the toy, Severus asked Adam, “Do you like being fucked with that?”
“Yes, sir,” Har- Adam said, his voice shaky.
“That isn’t enough for you though, is it?” A cock slut like Adam wouldn’t be satisfied until he had Severus’s prick buried deep inside of him.
“No, sir.” Frantically, Adam shook his head.
“You want my cock, don’t you?”
“Please, sir!”
Pulling on his leash, Severus pulled Adam up onto his knees. Although Adam had never expressed eagerness to give head, Severus needed something degrading to show the Dark Lord. He refused to do anything actually degrading. Forced fellatio should be enough to earn the Dark Lord’s approval.
Adam liked to be difficult. In the past, he’d bitten Severus during these games, so Severus pushed his head in place, but did not force his mouth open. Apparently Adam had decided to behave this time. He opened his mouth and brought up his hands. Not entirely trusting him, Severus lightly boxed him on the side of the head. “I didn’t order you to use your hands. Put them behind your back, touching your elbows.”
Sitting back, Adam obeyed, and Severus bound his arms together before pushing his head back down. They both knew that Adam could still bring serious harm with his teeth, but this way, Severus could subdue him quickly. Spelling the toy to go faster, Severus leant back against the cushions, watching as Adam bobbed his head, his soft lips spread wide around Severus’s cock. He’d got better about using his teeth, but fucking his mouth wasn’t nearly as enjoyable as fucking his arse, especially since Severus hadn’t yet trained him to deep throat.
Severus let it continue long enough to appease the Dark Lord. When he’d had enough, he clutched Adam’s hair and gently pulled him off. “I will need to train you in that art.” Adam wanted to learn how to suck cock properly. He’d love to spend hours giving Severus long, teasing blow jobs.
Getting to his feet, he pulled Adam up as well, and led him back to the other room, blinking before he opened the door. Not that he needed to stop anytime soon. Adam loved being treated like this. In fact, he probably wanted more. He wanted to be tied up and teased for hours.
Severus quickly transfigured the top sheet into a long piece of cloth and wove it through the hoops attached to the bedposts. He shoved Adam towards the bed, the cloth catching him and suspending him above the mattress. Pulling out an identical piece of leather to Adam’s collar, Severus wrapped the small band around the top of his scrotum, forcing his balls away from his body and denying him orgasm. He tapped the slick skin between Adam’s shoulder blades and trailed his finger down the long expanse of smooth, soft skin. When he reached the toy, he tapped it. It vibrated and Adam’s whole body shivered.
“Please!” gasped Harry. “Please fuck me!”
Not Harry. Adam wanted it. Adam wanted to be fucked so hard, he saw stars. Getting into position, Severus grasped the toy and twisted it as he pulled it out, watching how Adam’s body shook as each individual ball slipped out of him. When the last one left him, he gave a little sigh that almost sounded disappointed. He wanted, needed, to be filled.
Pressing his cock against that tight pucker, Severus slowly pushed his way in, savouring the feel of the muscle resisting before finally yielding and sucking him into the warm heat. He’d planned to go slow, but Adam had a way of undoing all his plans. Grabbing him, he thrust inside, burying himself completely and drawing a yelp. He’d used plenty of lube on the toy, but none on his cock. If he was too rough, then he’d have to end it early. Adam would alert him should any pain occur.
Fucking him hard, he asked him, “This is what you wanted, isn’t it?”
“Yes, Master,” answered Adam, his voice shaky. He’d requested this session. He’d been begging for it. His arse tightened around Severus’s cock, betraying his enjoyment.
“I bet you could come on my cock alone, couldn’t you?”
“I could, Master. Please fuck me hard, Master.”
Had he been too gentle? This needed to be rough or the Dark Lord would demand a second session. “You stupid slave,” Severus snarled, tightening the collar around Adam’s neck. “What did I tell you? This is about my pleasure, not yours.” He let him gasp for only a few seconds before he released him. “You only exist as a hole to be used as I see fit.”
“Yes, Master,” whispered Adam.
“From now on, you need my permission to orgasm,” Severus told him. He shifted slightly, which let him go deeper and drew bigger moans from Adam’s throat. He loved being fucked roughly, didn’t he? “You will only be permitted to touch yourself if I order you to.” Grabbing his hair, Severus bent forward to whisper, “And I don’t give you permission to orgasm today.” Releasing him, he straightened back up and closed his eyes, concentrating on the tight flesh surrounding his cock.
He came, the aphrodisiac clouding his senses and leaving him wound, as if he hadn’t fully found release. He’d probably given himself too high a dose. As soon as he’d finished ejaculating, he pulled out and freed Adam from his bonds. Dressing quickly, he summoned a chair to the bed and sat down. “Come to me.”
Harry left the bed, crawling across the floor. Although he normally kept his head relatively high, this time, he had it completely bowed, and his back lacked his normal rigidness.
“Lift your head,” Severus said, softer.
Harry lifted his shoulders instead, keeping his head mostly bowed and his fringe covering his face.
“It pains me to hurt you,” Severus said, stroking his fingers through his hair. I never want to hurt you. “I do it because I care about you. It is important that you learn to rely on me.”
Harry sucked in a sharp breath and something spattered against the floor. Tears? He wasn’t crying, was he? It was just an act, wasn’t it? He never cried. It had to be an act. Either way, this needed to end now. Abandoning the rest of the script he’d prepared, Severus hurriedly said, “You are not permitted to touch yourself without my express permission ever again. Is that clear?”
Harry whispered, “Yes, Master.”
Severus strode from the cell and into the library, pausing at the door only long enough to blink. He pulled out the mirror to find Harry crawling back to the bed, wiping his eyes on his arm. If it had been that bad, why hadn’t he stopped it? Was he still acting? Needing answers, Severus shoved the mirror back in his robes and returned to Harry’s cage. Fetching the Healing Salve from his robes, he freed Harry of the leash and collar and rubbed the salve into his warm neck.
He had thought Harry tense before the abuse. Harry’s muscles seemed to have been transformed into rock. Not knowing what else to do, Severus gently rolled Harry over and sucked his still-hard prick. He worked it steadily, not stopping even when Harry grabbed his hair and yanked on it. When Harry came, he took it all and licked him clean before sitting up.
Harry lay as limp as one of his clones, his face buried in the sheet. If there was one word or one action that could take away all his pain and restore him to his normal self, Severus wouldn’t hesitate to say or do it, no matter the cost to himself. As it was, the gulf that appeared between them seemed impossible to close. Severus didn’t know where he could begin other than to start with the basics.
Gently nudging him onto his side, Severus examined the nearly-healed wounds. “Your skin should be completely healed before the night is over. However, your back muscles are horribly knotted. If you train while you are this tense, you will only injure yourself.” Leaving the bed, Severus suggested, “Come with me.”
To his relief, Harry lifted his tear stained face and slid to the edge of the bed. He accepted the offer of Severus’s outer robes without comment, clutching it tightly around himself. He glanced up with eyes so young and so lost, Severus had to turn away, for fear he’d reveal something too soon. He led Harry upstairs, intending to bring him to the kitchen, but at the top of the stairs he paused. Anyone could come into the kitchen, and he imagined that Harry didn’t want to deal with visitors for the moment.
Quickly thinking, he offered, “I suppose you’ll want a shower first.”
“Yeah,” said Harry, turning back towards his cage.
Severus headed towards his door and opened it, giving Harry a significant look before he stepped inside. If Harry had wanted to return to the cellar, he would’ve followed him there, but Harry stepped in after him, glancing around the room with interest.
“Shall I Summon the bubble bath?”
“No,” said Harry quietly as he headed towards the bathtub. He dropped the robe on the floor and stepped into the tub, closing the curtain behind him and turning the shower.
Needing an excuse to stay in the bathroom, Severus brushed his teeth. He surreptitiously watched Harry as he pretended to focus on his toiletries. He needed to give Harry hope, something else to hold onto. After several minutes of silence, he offered, “Now that the Dark Lord regards you as broken he has given permission for you to be brought from this place.”
Harry said nothing.
“For weeks I have requested permission to bring you to Hogwarts so that I may resume my post as Headmaster, and the Dark Lord has finally acquiesced. Unfortunately, he has also decreed that you should be sent to Malfoy Manor for three days before joining me at Hogwarts. I have no intention of allowing Lucius or anyone else to take you from me. If I am forced to, I will give you a potion which realistically creates the appearance of death for several days at a time. This should give me enough time to search for the Elder Wand and the Diadem; after all-”
“Wait a minute,” Harry interjected. “What if they destroy my body?”
“They won’t,” Severus assured him. “The Dark Lord will be called to examine your body and, through an attempt to possess you, he will immediately uncover the ruse. When I am summoned, as Lucius will undoubtedly blame me, I will pronounce it similar to when you constructed your walls after you were tortured by the Dark Lord. I will advise them to simply leave you alone for a few days, after which you would recover with no ill effects. This plan does have its risks, which is why I would prefer to implement it only as a last re-”
“What if Lucius has the antidote? What if he calls someone who knows what it is? What if-”
“He won't,” Severus promised. “Only I know of the existence of this potion. The worst that may happen is the destruction of your body, but the Dark Lord would be incredibly foolish to allow that without first examining the 'corpse.' I do not think it a likely course of action, and again, this is one plan of many. Instead-”
“Give it to me now,” said Harry. “Tell him that after what happened today, I went into that state and you can't bring me out unless you brew a special potion. You can leave, find the Elder Wand and the Diadem, and return to help me kill him.”
Had it been that bad? Glancing at Harry, Severus said, “You are supposed to be broken, not hiding. If-”
“IT'S NOT HIDING!” yelled Harry. In a softer voice, he added, “I want this over. Why wait?”
He’d kill me. “Because he may not let me leave on my own should anything happen to you in my presence. I cannot search properly if another Death Eater has been attached to my side and my every movement is tracked.” His promises probably seemed empty to Harry, but he had nothing else to offer. “Just wait a few more days and this will be over.”
“I'm tired of waiting,” Harry said, turning away from Severus and bending his head forward into the hot water. “I've been waiting too long.”
He had. “Soon you will leave.”
“Why am I even still here?” Harry whispered. “I need to get out of here. I can't stay here.”
He should’ve been rescued earlier. He shouldn’t have been captured in the first place. Leaving the bathroom, Severus fetched a bottle of scotch and poured himself a generous glass. Soon Harry would be free of this place and they could focus on the Horcrux. Once all traces of the Dark Lord had been destroyed, Harry would be truly free. He needed to focus on that, not on his past mistakes.
After several minutes, the water turned off, and Severus downed his glass and put away the traces of alcohol. When Harry stepped into the room, covered in a towel, Severus offered, “Come lie on my bed.”
His eyes tightening, Harry covered his chest protectively. “No. Give me the potion or whatever now and I'll return to my room.”
Severus had the feeling that if he let Harry leave now, the anger inside of him would only build. “I need to massage it into your skin and my bed is the most comfortable surface in the house. If-”
“I don't want you to touch me,” said Harry firmly. “Just give me something to drink.”
What had gone wrong? “I won't hurt you anymore tonight. I only want to heal you. I'll only be touching your back and your legs. I won't touch you anywhere else.”
“What part of ‘I don’t want you to touch me’ don't you understand?” Harry growled. “I'm leaving.” He marched towards the door.
Severus grabbed Harry's arm. “Why didn't you tell me to stop?”
“DON'T TOUCH ME!” Harry yanked his arm out of Severus’s fingers and punched him. Severus did not even flinch, letting the hit land on his nose. Shit. That fucking hurt.
Drawing his wand, he repaired his nose and removed the blood. “Do you think this is easy?”
Harry laughed, a hollow bitter sound. “You do it, don't you?”
Because I must keep you alive. “I've lived in his shadow for twenty-one years! Longer than you have been alive. You can't imagine what that's like!”
His face closed, Harry accused, “You joined him! You chose this!”
“I didn't choose this!” said Severus. “I never wanted this!”
“You chose to join him. What choice did I have? And this-” Harry jabbed his hand at Severus. “This is bullshit! You've never been raped. You've never been ordered to kill one of your friends-”
“I have been forced to kill friends,” Severus softly corrected him. “And I did as ordered. I expect I will do it again.”
“You're sick,” spat Harry. “Disgusting. I can't stand you. How many of your so-called friends have you killed? How many innocent people have died for you, you sick fuck?”
Too many, which was why he had to be certain Harry would live. If nothing else came out of this but Harry’s life, it would have all been worth it. “Potter-”
“Save it,” said Harry, pushing past Severus. “I’m leaving. I don't want to be anywhere near you.” Clutching his towel, he marched towards the door.
If he let him leave now, this distance might never be repaired. “I told you to tell me to stop if it was too much for you to handle. When you need help-”
“I don't need help!” insisted Harry. “I did it, didn't I?! I did what you wanted! I-”
“I didn't want that! You should've said 'stop.' You should've-”
“I COULDN'T! If I had, then we would just have done it again and again until I got it right. I'd never get it right. I'd never... I'd never....” Harry shut his eyes, pressing his fingers against the bridge of his nose.
“Merlin....” Those tears had been real. “That hasn't been true for some time - think of the last session during which I fed you the potion. The reason I moved you between the rooms was so that we had stopping points to return to should you need to pause at any moment. If you had said 'stop', we wouldn't have had to return to the beginning. I never would have put you through that without giving you a way out.”
For a moment, Harry just stared through Severus, his eyes wide and his lips thin. Then, shivering slightly, he pressed his hand against the wall and breathed heavily. He looked younger than he had for awhile, small somehow, as if he’d lost all the muscle and strength he’d gained.
“I'm sorry,” said Severus softly. “I should have made sure you knew.”
For a moment, the hardness eased, but then Harry narrowed his eyes again. “You didn't. You didn't tell me anything.”
“It's over,” Severus promised him. And soon it will all be over. “There is nothing we can do about it now. You must let me heal you so that you will be able to train for tomorrow.”
“Just give me a potion.”
He’d bollocksed this up and he would fix it. “None work as well as the kind I need to massage directly into your skin.”
“I'll do it myself,” said Harry stubbornly.
“You can't rub it into your back on your own. Let me help you.”
“I'm going back to my room now,” said Harry.
It had to be about more than the abusive sex. Guessing, Severus asked, “What did Lucius say to you?”
Harry froze, his face losing colour. “What?”
Of course. “You were hostile towards me even before our performance. What did he say to you to cause this reaction?”
Staring at the carpet, Harry muttered, “He said a lot of things.”
Ah hah. “Such as?” prompted Severus gently.
“I don't want to talk about it.”
Calmly, but firmly, Severus asked, “Afraid to admit how terrified you are of him?”
Harry curled his hands into fists. “Piss off.”
“He lords his power over you, because you let him!”
“I SAID 'PISS OFF'!”
“It's true....” said Severus, watching him closely, not wanting to push too hard or Harry would shut down. “You all but hand it to him on a porcelain plate.”
“I don't care what he thinks!” snapped Harry. He probably believed it.
“Then stop giving him power!”
“I'm not!” said Harry, his shoulders high, pushing past Severus.
“You are!” Severus grabbed Harry, stopping him. “Whatever he said to you, you've accepted it as truth. Lucius is a master manipulator. He uses intimidation and the threat of pain to terrorise you and then spins his twisted logic until it becomes your reality. You've accepted whatever he told you as fact and have changed your behaviour according to his wishes. Do not allow him that power over you! Do not accept his propaganda as truth!"
Meeting Severus’s eyes with a steel gaze, Harry said, “He said that if I could enjoy being raped by a disgusting, hideous man like you, then I could enjoy being tortured by him.”
Releasing Harry, Severus took a step back. Logically, intellectually, he knew that a straight teenage boy would not find him an ideal sexual partner, but his stomach still rolled and his heart tightened. What did you think? Did you think he would want you? No. He would not let his father, the Marauders, or some of his students creep into his head. Perhaps it had been entirely a consequence of the potion, teenage hormones, or Stockholm Syndrome, but Harry had offered himself. It had to be more for him than just a disgusting act done out of necessary. Harry was too proud, too stubborn, too fiercely independent to give himself away just to satisfy another’s urges or earn special treatment from his captor. Even if Harry was just a horny teenager who saw him as nothing more than a sex toy, Harry had willingly chosen to use him. “Do you really believe that?”
“I don’t know!” cried Harry. “I don’t know what I want. I don’t know who I am anymore.” He slid down the wall, clutching his knees and burying his face in his arms. “How can I stop him from controlling me if he doesn’t have to be here to do it? How can I tell if he’s controlling me? I just-”
“Potter,” said Severus. “When you stepped into the bathroom, you didn't attempt to close the door. Why?”
Harry shot him an incredulous look. “You wouldn't let me.”
“I couldn't. I know you. I know that as soon as that door were to close, you'd immediately search through the drawers and cabinets and try to steal things which would get me punished should you be caught in their vicinity. Lucius would seek to convince you that escape was hopeless and resistance would only lead to pain and punishment. If he took you to the shower, he would close the door and, as long as you believed his words, you would monitor yourself as if he were there, watching you. Lucius's power requires your complicity, your belief. With it, he can make you do or believe almost anything, but without it, he is powerless over you. Don't give him that power. Think critically about everything he tells you. Never stop seeking what you desire.”
“How do I know what I really want?” asked Harry in a small voice, lifting his head and meeting Severus’s eyes. “How can I tell the difference between what I freely chose and what you've made me want?”
He looked so young, so lost, Severus was tempted to tell him some half-baked nonsense designed to soothe his worries, but Harry deserved more honesty than that. “There is no easy answer to your question. The question of free will has been debated by philosophers for ages.” Even Harry’s reckless suicidal nature was mostly due to his own nature. “Have you chosen to fight the Dark Lord of your own free will?”
“Yeah,” said Harry. “I'm going to do anything I can to get rid of him, because I want to.”
“Yet, did you really choose that fate or was it chosen for you?” pressed Severus. “If the prophecy didn’t exist, would you be so determined to give your life should his destruction require it? Would you be so willing to sacrifice your freedom and remain in this prison if you believed that you were one of several with the ability to destroy the Dark Lord, rather than the single prophesied Saviour?”
“I...” The conviction died, Harry worrying his lip. He dropped his head to his hands. “I don't....”
“Potter, I was merely playing devil's advocate to show how anyone as skilled as Lucius is can cause you to doubt even what you most firmly believe. You always have a choice. Always. I believe that you would maintain your current convictions simply because you've always been stupidly stubborn and far too much of a Gryffindor to be concerned with saving your own neck at the expense of others. When have you ever shown reason and self-preservation in your attempts to thwart the Dark Lord's plans? You were reckless at eleven and, despite my best attempts to change that, I don't believe that I've yet managed to instill in you a proper level of restraint and rationality.” Although he had improved greatly. “If anything, you need to learn that, despite what well-meaning fools have told you, the entire world doesn't rest on your shoulders. There is no point in sacrificing yourself needlessly. Especially for this world which has only sought to use you to fight its battles."
“But how do I know?” asked Harry, searching Severus’s face, as if he could find the answer there. “How do I know I'm choosing what I want?”
“You don't,” Severus said. “None of us ever do. There are precious few who even realise what it is that they really want and most individuals live far less complicated lives than yours. Furthermore, often what we choose isn’t what we really desire. You've decided that you wish to destroy the Dark Lord even at the expense of your own life, but you can't convince me that's where your heart's longing lies. You would've preferred a family of your own, wouldn't you?”
“Yes,” Harry whispered. He blinked rapidly, then asked, “Is it certain that I'll die?”
“No,” Severus assured him. “You'll probably marry Miss Weasley and have a million brats just like you. My only consolation for more Potters in this world is that I won't have to suffer through trying to teach them.”
There. Harry’s face brightened, just slightly, but enough for now. If only Severus could inspire that light.
Softly, Harry said, “I don't think I want more than two.”
“Let me guess. A boy named James and a girl named Lily?”
“Yeah,” said Harry. “You wouldn't get a kick out of bossing around a James Potter?”
Although he knew it was pointless and stupid, the thought of Harry with anyone, even a girl like the youngest Weasley tightened his stomach. Seeing the second James Potter would only remind him that, once again, someone else had been chosen over him. At least Lily had been attracted to his sex. He had no chance with Harry, but that didn’t make it any easier. Not wanting to reflect on it, he sighed, “I think I've suffered through enough Potters to last me a lifetime.” He stepped over to his bedside table and summoned tea for himself and Harry. “Tea?” he offered, pouring a cup.
“Yeah, thanks.” Standing, Harry walked over to sit on the bed. Water still slowly dripped from this thick hair, droplets clinging to his upper back. Not wanting to deal with wet bed covers, Severus stopped him. “Wait.” He headed to the cupboard, only to find that he needed to do laundry. As he glanced over the shelves, he spotted a set of clothes for Harry. Remembering how Harry had covered himself when feeling vulnerable before, he fetched them as well as a towel to spread on the bed.
“Your towel is damp,” he said as he passed the clothing and tea to Harry. Fetching his own tea, he took his chair, pretending to ignore how Harry studied him. They sat in silence for a moment before Harry asked, “Does it bother you? That you’re forced to have gay sex? I mean, you’re straight, right?”
No, not exactly. “While I have an inordinate fondness for large breasts-”
Harry choked, his tea sloshing in his cup and threatening to spill on the floor. He gulped down the liquid and set the cup on the bedside table. “I’m fine, thanks.” He raised an eyebrow at Severus and asked, “Large breasts?”
Watching the pink rise on Harry’s cheeks was always amusing. “Yes. Some men say that more than a mouthful or a handful is a waste; however, I beg to differ. There are few things as enjoyable in this world as fondling a large-breasted woman.” Or as handling a strong young man.
“I dunno, I’m fine with smaller ones,” said Harry.
“Madam Rosmerta's tits have never interested you?”
Harry flushed an interesting shade of red. “I’ve always preferred . . . girls like Dulcinea, the black-haired Honeyduke's assistant.”
“Miss Turron? She's completely flat.” And lacking in any sort of creative intelligence as well.
“She's not flat,” Harry argued. “I like them smaller anyway. Madam Rosmerta's are kinda... big.”
“She's perfect.” Could Harry’s face get any more red? “When the girls your age begin to fill out, you'll come to enjoy them more.”
“I enjoy them fine now!”
“I’ve never understood the appreciation many men seem to have for girls of your age,” said Severus, knowing that jealousy inspired his words, but unable to refrain. “In addition to the general stupidity and lack of maturity that follows youth, girls are best once they develop into women and no longer possess the flat chests and skinny hips and legs of a fourteen-year-old boy. Once you are older and develop some stamina, you’ll appreciate extra ‘cushioning,’ so to speak.”
“I have stamina now,” Harry protested. “I just don’t see the point in waiting for one orgasm when I can have several instead.”
“Youth is wasted on the young.*” One of these days he’d teach Harry that the journey could be just as pleasurable as the destination. Since Harry seemed calmer now, Severus set his empty cup on the bedside table and stood, drawing from his robes a special blend of the Muscle Salve that he normally used when Harry remained unconscious. “Lie down on your side so that I can massage your calves.”
Without hesitation, but with reservation, Harry obeyed. He kept his legs curled up to his chest, as if they formed a shield to protect him. When Severus sat on the bed by his feet, he stiffened slightly. Severus lightly touched his ankle and he sucked in a sharp breath, his back tense.
Gently, slowly, Severus pulled Harry’s left leg out across his lap. After covering his hands in the salve, he placed them on Harry’s calf and carefully pressed his thumbs into the tight muscle.
“Ow!” cried Harry, jumping and pulling his leg away. “Don’t squeeze so hard!”
He’d barely touched him. Knowing that Harry’s reaction had more to do with psychological hurt than anything physical, Severus gently pulled Harry’s leg back into his lap. “Your muscles are knotted. Tell me where it hurts.” Patiently, he worked his way up Harry’s warm leg until Harry breathed, “There.” His muscles tightened.
His entire body was a rigid mess of knots, but this spot was the worst of his leg so far. “Yes, I can feel it.”
“My muscles are in knots?” asked Harry, tension draining from him as he relaxed against the bed. “How did that happen?”
“Not literally,” explained Severus, concentrating on Harry’s leg. “Knots result from stress -- either physical or psychological. As the majority of your exercise stresses your back and legs, it is to be expected that most of your knots form in those areas. However, knots may also form independently of physical stress.” Once he’d worked that leg as much as the flesh would allow, he released it and said, “Now we need to let it rest. Give me your right leg.”
His resistant melted, Harry offered his other leg. Severus examined the muscles, finding them even more tight than the other leg had been.
“Right there,” breathed Harry when Severus’s fingers came across a particular hard expanse of knots.
“This is worse than the other,” said Severus. He carefully worked around the edges of the knot. “You must be preferentially putting weight on it when you practise.”
“You’re getting rid of the knot completely?”
Harry would need to completely relax for that to happen. Although some of his tension had drained, he still held himself stiffer than before. “As much as I am able. It will reform unless you remember to stretch properly before you begin your exercising and always use the muscle potion afterwards.” He massaged Harry’s leg until the tension started to drain, then offered, “I’ll work on your back now.”
He could’ve worked on Harry through his shirt, but he made no objection when Harry sat up and stripped it off. Harry lay back down, his back exposed and his body tense, as if he expected Severus to resume the torture.
Severus shifted to sit by Harry’s side and, as lightly as he could, touched Harry’s shoulders. Harry flinched slightly, but his back didn’t hold nearly as much tension as it had held immediately after the attack. Slowly, gently, Severus let his fingers trail over Harry’s back, trying to feel out the knots and get Harry used to his touch before he properly massaged him. He pointed out the knots so Harry would know when to expect a little more pressure, then began the massage.
He’d become interested in massage partially to build up the clone’s muscles, but also as an excuse to touch Harry more. If he’d know how therapeutic it could be for Harry, he would’ve given him massages earlier. Although he knew that the circumstances had contributed a lot as well, he hadn’t done much himself to ease the solid wall of muscle that had built in Harry’s back. He’d been too focused on giving a performance, too lost in his fantasy to realise how much he was hurting Harry. It was easy - too easy - for him to slide into a role and ignore reality. He had to be certain that wouldn’t happen after he freed Harry. He had to be certain that, if he had to take Harry’s memories, he could keep Harry himself intact.
If the Harry who lived wasn’t the incredible young man before him, then what was the point of saving him?
Chapter 51
When Harry rapped his manacle against the bars, Severus immediately put a halt to his brewing and headed down to the cellar. As he stepped through the bars, he focused his attention on the ring still piercing Harry’s nipple to show he meant no harm. “If I don’t remove that soon, I will be unable to remove it without giving you a painkiller.” Harry made no objection when Severus approached the bed. Moving his hand slowly to show he meant no attack, Severus picked up the ring and removed it with one quick twist of his fingers.
“Ouch!” cried Harry.
It shouldn't have hurt him. “Do you need a pain killer?” Severus asked as he withdrew an analgesic salve from his robes.
“No,” said Harry, closing his eyes. “I’m fine.”
Severus brushed the salve over Harry’s nipple before instructing, “Turn around so that I may examine your back.”
Harry obeyed and Severus bent forward to examine the wounds. They had closed up nicely. Soon, there wouldn’t be a trace. He dabbed the salve in the small holes that remained, hoping that the potion would mask any pain. As he worked, he gently reminded Harry, “Tonight I will have to hurt you.” He didn’t want to, especially when Harry remained so upset, but if he didn’t have a vision for the Dark Lord, the Dark Lord would punish him. He couldn’t risk losing Harry so close to the end. Everything had to go according to plan. “I realise this is not an ideal time for torture; however, the Dark Lord will arrive tomorrow and I must have a memory for him. I placed a mild aphrodisiac in your pumpkin juice in order to help you play your role.” One in his arm helped him with his.
Harry said nothing.
Severus reminded him, “As always, if you say 'stop,' I will, but you must try to bear it as best you can.”
“I can do it,” Harry insisted.
Could he? They didn’t have a choice. Once Severus had finished covering Harry’s wounds in the salve, he asked him, “Are you hungry?” He stepped away to wash his hands in the sink.
“Yes,” said Harry without his usual enthusiasm.
Maybe Severus should have added a calming potion to Harry’s food.
They ate quietly, Harry focused on his meal. Without lifting his eyes, he asked, “How can I break out of my cuffs?”
Although that information was forbidden knowledge, Severus answered anyway. “Destructive Dark Magic, cast directly at the cuffs. This method will also enable you to destroy chains, or any other conjured item.”
“How Dark?” Harry asked as he glanced up at Severus. “Will a Sectumsempra destroy it or do I need them to cast something like the Killing Curse?”
Did he have something planned? “The Sectumsempra is sufficient. The magic must be Dark enough to result in the destruction or removal of your hand should you be careless enough
to allow the spell to strike your wrist.”
Harry said nothing more until he’d finished his meal. He looked at Severus and said, “I don’t feel anything.”
The aphrodisiac would take a bit longer to kick in. Severus’s own had already started to take effect. “You will. No go sit on your bed.” Clearing the dishes, he walked over to Harry’s toiletries. Picking up the mouthwash, he re-filled it, then set it on the sink and slowly blinked. No matter how many tries this took, he would get through it. He had to.
Now. What would realistically cause Harry to submit completely to him? Turning back to Harry, he asked, “Are you scared of Lucius Malfoy?”
“Yes, Master,” said Harry, his voice different; smaller, somehow.
“Do you wish to be protected from him?”
“Please, Master.” A tremour ran through his words, although his back remained straight and proud.
“Will you give yourself to me completely in exchange for my protection?”
“Yes, Master.”
“I have a reward for you.” Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew the collar he’d prepared earlier. A simple, black strip of leather, he’d built a Muggle clasp into it, so Harry could take it off himself.
“Yes, Master?”
Stepping over to Harry, Severus cast an alerting spell before he placed the collar around Harry’s neck. Now, the moment someone else removed it, he’d know. He tightened it as much as he dared, then stroked his fingers across one pale cheek, just below Harry’s beautiful eyes. “As long as you please me, I will protect and guide you. But first, you need to be trained to please me. I have always been generous with pleasure, have I not?”
“Yes, Master.”
“Now, your pleasure shall come through mine. Please me and I shall please you in return. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Master.”
“You must learn to rely on me completely. Obscuro!”
With the eyes obscured, it was easy to replace Harry with Adam, the wanton minx who loved to be fucked, who’d want to be owned and controlled. “Come here, slave.”
Adam slid off the bed, crawling across the floor slowly, but with purpose. He played coy, but he wanted this. He’d been wanting it for some time.
Severus conjured a chair for himself. “Stop, turn around, and spread your cheeks for me.”
Naturally, Adam obeyed, although he pretended to still cling to his modesty. He always enjoyed making Severus work. “Spread your legs.”
Adam moved them just inches apart.
“Farther,” Severus growled, although he suspected Adam had been petulant on purpose, to earn a punishment.
This time, Adam spread his legs enough for Severus to clearly see his pucker. Bending forward and casting a cleaning spell, Severus brushed his finger over the tight folds of flesh. He was rewarded with a sharp intake of breath. As much as Adam pretended otherwise sometimes, he loved being fucked.
“This”, said Severus, tapping the flesh, “belongs to me now. The Dark Lord has granted my request that only I be allowed access here.” Adam enjoyed playing Master and slave. It was his favourite roleplay scenario.
“Thank you, Master,” said Ha- no, Adam.
Fetching a paper weight that he’d transfigured to match a toy he’d seen in one of the magazines, he coated it with lube. A series of ever increase balls ended in a flared tip, it felt a bit too heavy in his hands when he looked at Adam’s delicate body, and he lightened the weight. Pressing the tip of it against Adam’s hole, he pushed the first ball passed the tight ring. Adam gasped, his legs quivering. Slowly, languidly, Severus skewered him, noting how his cock filled and his body hungrily sucked up the toy, taking it deep. Adam had always needed something filling his arse. The bigger the toy or cock, the harder he came.
Settling back to enjoy the view for a moment, Severus adjusted himself. So many things he wanted to do to that body. But he had to be careful. Adam was delicate and new to the scene. Standing, he conjured a leash and tugging on it, ordered, “Come.” He kept his eyes on the door instead of on Adam. At the door, he blinked heavily and slowly before entering the library and leading Adam over to the sofa. “Lie on your back.”
Adam obeyed, his movements tight and his limbs against his torso as if he were trying to cover himself. He was just playing coy.
“Spread your legs,” Severus commanded him sharply. “You must always spread your legs unless I give you a command to the contrary.”
“Yes, Master.”
Admiring the view before him, Severus lazily freed his cock. As he slowly stroked it, he spelled the leash to rise in the air and float through the air before it brushed against Adam’s soft lips. Teasingly, he trailed it over Adam’s trim torso, noting how the thick cock twitched whenever he played with a nipple.
He teased him until Adam’s hips rose frantically, and breathless moans escaped his lips. Wanting to drive him mad, Severus cast a movement spell on the toy, driving it deep into Adam. Adam groaned, his hips straining, trying to fuck himself on the toy faster.
His strokes matching the thrust of the toy, Severus asked Adam, “Do you like being fucked with that?”
“Yes, sir,” Har- Adam said, his voice shaky.
“That isn’t enough for you though, is it?” A cock slut like Adam wouldn’t be satisfied until he had Severus’s prick buried deep inside of him.
“No, sir.” Frantically, Adam shook his head.
“You want my cock, don’t you?”
“Please, sir!”
Pulling on his leash, Severus pulled Adam up onto his knees. Although Adam had never expressed eagerness to give head, Severus needed something degrading to show the Dark Lord. He refused to do anything actually degrading. Forced fellatio should be enough to earn the Dark Lord’s approval.
Adam liked to be difficult. In the past, he’d bitten Severus during these games, so Severus pushed his head in place, but did not force his mouth open. Apparently Adam had decided to behave this time. He opened his mouth and brought up his hands. Not entirely trusting him, Severus lightly boxed him on the side of the head. “I didn’t order you to use your hands. Put them behind your back, touching your elbows.”
Sitting back, Adam obeyed, and Severus bound his arms together before pushing his head back down. They both knew that Adam could still bring serious harm with his teeth, but this way, Severus could subdue him quickly. Spelling the toy to go faster, Severus leant back against the cushions, watching as Adam bobbed his head, his soft lips spread wide around Severus’s cock. He’d got better about using his teeth, but fucking his mouth wasn’t nearly as enjoyable as fucking his arse, especially since Severus hadn’t yet trained him to deep throat.
Severus let it continue long enough to appease the Dark Lord. When he’d had enough, he clutched Adam’s hair and gently pulled him off. “I will need to train you in that art.” Adam wanted to learn how to suck cock properly. He’d love to spend hours giving Severus long, teasing blow jobs.
Getting to his feet, he pulled Adam up as well, and led him back to the other room, blinking before he opened the door. Not that he needed to stop anytime soon. Adam loved being treated like this. In fact, he probably wanted more. He wanted to be tied up and teased for hours.
Severus quickly transfigured the top sheet into a long piece of cloth and wove it through the hoops attached to the bedposts. He shoved Adam towards the bed, the cloth catching him and suspending him above the mattress. Pulling out an identical piece of leather to Adam’s collar, Severus wrapped the small band around the top of his scrotum, forcing his balls away from his body and denying him orgasm. He tapped the slick skin between Adam’s shoulder blades and trailed his finger down the long expanse of smooth, soft skin. When he reached the toy, he tapped it. It vibrated and Adam’s whole body shivered.
“Please!” gasped Harry. “Please fuck me!”
Not Harry. Adam wanted it. Adam wanted to be fucked so hard, he saw stars. Getting into position, Severus grasped the toy and twisted it as he pulled it out, watching how Adam’s body shook as each individual ball slipped out of him. When the last one left him, he gave a little sigh that almost sounded disappointed. He wanted, needed, to be filled.
Pressing his cock against that tight pucker, Severus slowly pushed his way in, savouring the feel of the muscle resisting before finally yielding and sucking him into the warm heat. He’d planned to go slow, but Adam had a way of undoing all his plans. Grabbing him, he thrust inside, burying himself completely and drawing a yelp. He’d used plenty of lube on the toy, but none on his cock. If he was too rough, then he’d have to end it early. Adam would alert him should any pain occur.
Fucking him hard, he asked him, “This is what you wanted, isn’t it?”
“Yes, Master,” answered Adam, his voice shaky. He’d requested this session. He’d been begging for it. His arse tightened around Severus’s cock, betraying his enjoyment.
“I bet you could come on my cock alone, couldn’t you?”
“I could, Master. Please fuck me hard, Master.”
Had he been too gentle? This needed to be rough or the Dark Lord would demand a second session. “You stupid slave,” Severus snarled, tightening the collar around Adam’s neck. “What did I tell you? This is about my pleasure, not yours.” He let him gasp for only a few seconds before he released him. “You only exist as a hole to be used as I see fit.”
“Yes, Master,” whispered Adam.
“From now on, you need my permission to orgasm,” Severus told him. He shifted slightly, which let him go deeper and drew bigger moans from Adam’s throat. He loved being fucked roughly, didn’t he? “You will only be permitted to touch yourself if I order you to.” Grabbing his hair, Severus bent forward to whisper, “And I don’t give you permission to orgasm today.” Releasing him, he straightened back up and closed his eyes, concentrating on the tight flesh surrounding his cock.
He came, the aphrodisiac clouding his senses and leaving him wound, as if he hadn’t fully found release. He’d probably given himself too high a dose. As soon as he’d finished ejaculating, he pulled out and freed Adam from his bonds. Dressing quickly, he summoned a chair to the bed and sat down. “Come to me.”
Harry left the bed, crawling across the floor. Although he normally kept his head relatively high, this time, he had it completely bowed, and his back lacked his normal rigidness.
“Lift your head,” Severus said, softer.
Harry lifted his shoulders instead, keeping his head mostly bowed and his fringe covering his face.
“It pains me to hurt you,” Severus said, stroking his fingers through his hair. I never want to hurt you. “I do it because I care about you. It is important that you learn to rely on me.”
Harry sucked in a sharp breath and something spattered against the floor. Tears? He wasn’t crying, was he? It was just an act, wasn’t it? He never cried. It had to be an act. Either way, this needed to end now. Abandoning the rest of the script he’d prepared, Severus hurriedly said, “You are not permitted to touch yourself without my express permission ever again. Is that clear?”
Harry whispered, “Yes, Master.”
Severus strode from the cell and into the library, pausing at the door only long enough to blink. He pulled out the mirror to find Harry crawling back to the bed, wiping his eyes on his arm. If it had been that bad, why hadn’t he stopped it? Was he still acting? Needing answers, Severus shoved the mirror back in his robes and returned to Harry’s cage. Fetching the Healing Salve from his robes, he freed Harry of the leash and collar and rubbed the salve into his warm neck.
He had thought Harry tense before the abuse. Harry’s muscles seemed to have been transformed into rock. Not knowing what else to do, Severus gently rolled Harry over and sucked his still-hard prick. He worked it steadily, not stopping even when Harry grabbed his hair and yanked on it. When Harry came, he took it all and licked him clean before sitting up.
Harry lay as limp as one of his clones, his face buried in the sheet. If there was one word or one action that could take away all his pain and restore him to his normal self, Severus wouldn’t hesitate to say or do it, no matter the cost to himself. As it was, the gulf that appeared between them seemed impossible to close. Severus didn’t know where he could begin other than to start with the basics.
Gently nudging him onto his side, Severus examined the nearly-healed wounds. “Your skin should be completely healed before the night is over. However, your back muscles are horribly knotted. If you train while you are this tense, you will only injure yourself.” Leaving the bed, Severus suggested, “Come with me.”
To his relief, Harry lifted his tear stained face and slid to the edge of the bed. He accepted the offer of Severus’s outer robes without comment, clutching it tightly around himself. He glanced up with eyes so young and so lost, Severus had to turn away, for fear he’d reveal something too soon. He led Harry upstairs, intending to bring him to the kitchen, but at the top of the stairs he paused. Anyone could come into the kitchen, and he imagined that Harry didn’t want to deal with visitors for the moment.
Quickly thinking, he offered, “I suppose you’ll want a shower first.”
“Yeah,” said Harry, turning back towards his cage.
Severus headed towards his door and opened it, giving Harry a significant look before he stepped inside. If Harry had wanted to return to the cellar, he would’ve followed him there, but Harry stepped in after him, glancing around the room with interest.
“Shall I Summon the bubble bath?”
“No,” said Harry quietly as he headed towards the bathtub. He dropped the robe on the floor and stepped into the tub, closing the curtain behind him and turning the shower.
Needing an excuse to stay in the bathroom, Severus brushed his teeth. He surreptitiously watched Harry as he pretended to focus on his toiletries. He needed to give Harry hope, something else to hold onto. After several minutes of silence, he offered, “Now that the Dark Lord regards you as broken he has given permission for you to be brought from this place.”
Harry said nothing.
“For weeks I have requested permission to bring you to Hogwarts so that I may resume my post as Headmaster, and the Dark Lord has finally acquiesced. Unfortunately, he has also decreed that you should be sent to Malfoy Manor for three days before joining me at Hogwarts. I have no intention of allowing Lucius or anyone else to take you from me. If I am forced to, I will give you a potion which realistically creates the appearance of death for several days at a time. This should give me enough time to search for the Elder Wand and the Diadem; after all-”
“Wait a minute,” Harry interjected. “What if they destroy my body?”
“They won’t,” Severus assured him. “The Dark Lord will be called to examine your body and, through an attempt to possess you, he will immediately uncover the ruse. When I am summoned, as Lucius will undoubtedly blame me, I will pronounce it similar to when you constructed your walls after you were tortured by the Dark Lord. I will advise them to simply leave you alone for a few days, after which you would recover with no ill effects. This plan does have its risks, which is why I would prefer to implement it only as a last re-”
“What if Lucius has the antidote? What if he calls someone who knows what it is? What if-”
“He won't,” Severus promised. “Only I know of the existence of this potion. The worst that may happen is the destruction of your body, but the Dark Lord would be incredibly foolish to allow that without first examining the 'corpse.' I do not think it a likely course of action, and again, this is one plan of many. Instead-”
“Give it to me now,” said Harry. “Tell him that after what happened today, I went into that state and you can't bring me out unless you brew a special potion. You can leave, find the Elder Wand and the Diadem, and return to help me kill him.”
Had it been that bad? Glancing at Harry, Severus said, “You are supposed to be broken, not hiding. If-”
“IT'S NOT HIDING!” yelled Harry. In a softer voice, he added, “I want this over. Why wait?”
He’d kill me. “Because he may not let me leave on my own should anything happen to you in my presence. I cannot search properly if another Death Eater has been attached to my side and my every movement is tracked.” His promises probably seemed empty to Harry, but he had nothing else to offer. “Just wait a few more days and this will be over.”
“I'm tired of waiting,” Harry said, turning away from Severus and bending his head forward into the hot water. “I've been waiting too long.”
He had. “Soon you will leave.”
“Why am I even still here?” Harry whispered. “I need to get out of here. I can't stay here.”
He should’ve been rescued earlier. He shouldn’t have been captured in the first place. Leaving the bathroom, Severus fetched a bottle of scotch and poured himself a generous glass. Soon Harry would be free of this place and they could focus on the Horcrux. Once all traces of the Dark Lord had been destroyed, Harry would be truly free. He needed to focus on that, not on his past mistakes.
After several minutes, the water turned off, and Severus downed his glass and put away the traces of alcohol. When Harry stepped into the room, covered in a towel, Severus offered, “Come lie on my bed.”
His eyes tightening, Harry covered his chest protectively. “No. Give me the potion or whatever now and I'll return to my room.”
Severus had the feeling that if he let Harry leave now, the anger inside of him would only build. “I need to massage it into your skin and my bed is the most comfortable surface in the house. If-”
“I don't want you to touch me,” said Harry firmly. “Just give me something to drink.”
What had gone wrong? “I won't hurt you anymore tonight. I only want to heal you. I'll only be touching your back and your legs. I won't touch you anywhere else.”
“What part of ‘I don’t want you to touch me’ don't you understand?” Harry growled. “I'm leaving.” He marched towards the door.
Severus grabbed Harry's arm. “Why didn't you tell me to stop?”
“DON'T TOUCH ME!” Harry yanked his arm out of Severus’s fingers and punched him. Severus did not even flinch, letting the hit land on his nose. Shit. That fucking hurt.
Drawing his wand, he repaired his nose and removed the blood. “Do you think this is easy?”
Harry laughed, a hollow bitter sound. “You do it, don't you?”
Because I must keep you alive. “I've lived in his shadow for twenty-one years! Longer than you have been alive. You can't imagine what that's like!”
His face closed, Harry accused, “You joined him! You chose this!”
“I didn't choose this!” said Severus. “I never wanted this!”
“You chose to join him. What choice did I have? And this-” Harry jabbed his hand at Severus. “This is bullshit! You've never been raped. You've never been ordered to kill one of your friends-”
“I have been forced to kill friends,” Severus softly corrected him. “And I did as ordered. I expect I will do it again.”
“You're sick,” spat Harry. “Disgusting. I can't stand you. How many of your so-called friends have you killed? How many innocent people have died for you, you sick fuck?”
Too many, which was why he had to be certain Harry would live. If nothing else came out of this but Harry’s life, it would have all been worth it. “Potter-”
“Save it,” said Harry, pushing past Severus. “I’m leaving. I don't want to be anywhere near you.” Clutching his towel, he marched towards the door.
If he let him leave now, this distance might never be repaired. “I told you to tell me to stop if it was too much for you to handle. When you need help-”
“I don't need help!” insisted Harry. “I did it, didn't I?! I did what you wanted! I-”
“I didn't want that! You should've said 'stop.' You should've-”
“I COULDN'T! If I had, then we would just have done it again and again until I got it right. I'd never get it right. I'd never... I'd never....” Harry shut his eyes, pressing his fingers against the bridge of his nose.
“Merlin....” Those tears had been real. “That hasn't been true for some time - think of the last session during which I fed you the potion. The reason I moved you between the rooms was so that we had stopping points to return to should you need to pause at any moment. If you had said 'stop', we wouldn't have had to return to the beginning. I never would have put you through that without giving you a way out.”
For a moment, Harry just stared through Severus, his eyes wide and his lips thin. Then, shivering slightly, he pressed his hand against the wall and breathed heavily. He looked younger than he had for awhile, small somehow, as if he’d lost all the muscle and strength he’d gained.
“I'm sorry,” said Severus softly. “I should have made sure you knew.”
For a moment, the hardness eased, but then Harry narrowed his eyes again. “You didn't. You didn't tell me anything.”
“It's over,” Severus promised him. And soon it will all be over. “There is nothing we can do about it now. You must let me heal you so that you will be able to train for tomorrow.”
“Just give me a potion.”
He’d bollocksed this up and he would fix it. “None work as well as the kind I need to massage directly into your skin.”
“I'll do it myself,” said Harry stubbornly.
“You can't rub it into your back on your own. Let me help you.”
“I'm going back to my room now,” said Harry.
It had to be about more than the abusive sex. Guessing, Severus asked, “What did Lucius say to you?”
Harry froze, his face losing colour. “What?”
Of course. “You were hostile towards me even before our performance. What did he say to you to cause this reaction?”
Staring at the carpet, Harry muttered, “He said a lot of things.”
Ah hah. “Such as?” prompted Severus gently.
“I don't want to talk about it.”
Calmly, but firmly, Severus asked, “Afraid to admit how terrified you are of him?”
Harry curled his hands into fists. “Piss off.”
“He lords his power over you, because you let him!”
“I SAID 'PISS OFF'!”
“It's true....” said Severus, watching him closely, not wanting to push too hard or Harry would shut down. “You all but hand it to him on a porcelain plate.”
“I don't care what he thinks!” snapped Harry. He probably believed it.
“Then stop giving him power!”
“I'm not!” said Harry, his shoulders high, pushing past Severus.
“You are!” Severus grabbed Harry, stopping him. “Whatever he said to you, you've accepted it as truth. Lucius is a master manipulator. He uses intimidation and the threat of pain to terrorise you and then spins his twisted logic until it becomes your reality. You've accepted whatever he told you as fact and have changed your behaviour according to his wishes. Do not allow him that power over you! Do not accept his propaganda as truth!"
Meeting Severus’s eyes with a steel gaze, Harry said, “He said that if I could enjoy being raped by a disgusting, hideous man like you, then I could enjoy being tortured by him.”
Releasing Harry, Severus took a step back. Logically, intellectually, he knew that a straight teenage boy would not find him an ideal sexual partner, but his stomach still rolled and his heart tightened. What did you think? Did you think he would want you? No. He would not let his father, the Marauders, or some of his students creep into his head. Perhaps it had been entirely a consequence of the potion, teenage hormones, or Stockholm Syndrome, but Harry had offered himself. It had to be more for him than just a disgusting act done out of necessary. Harry was too proud, too stubborn, too fiercely independent to give himself away just to satisfy another’s urges or earn special treatment from his captor. Even if Harry was just a horny teenager who saw him as nothing more than a sex toy, Harry had willingly chosen to use him. “Do you really believe that?”
“I don’t know!” cried Harry. “I don’t know what I want. I don’t know who I am anymore.” He slid down the wall, clutching his knees and burying his face in his arms. “How can I stop him from controlling me if he doesn’t have to be here to do it? How can I tell if he’s controlling me? I just-”
“Potter,” said Severus. “When you stepped into the bathroom, you didn't attempt to close the door. Why?”
Harry shot him an incredulous look. “You wouldn't let me.”
“I couldn't. I know you. I know that as soon as that door were to close, you'd immediately search through the drawers and cabinets and try to steal things which would get me punished should you be caught in their vicinity. Lucius would seek to convince you that escape was hopeless and resistance would only lead to pain and punishment. If he took you to the shower, he would close the door and, as long as you believed his words, you would monitor yourself as if he were there, watching you. Lucius's power requires your complicity, your belief. With it, he can make you do or believe almost anything, but without it, he is powerless over you. Don't give him that power. Think critically about everything he tells you. Never stop seeking what you desire.”
“How do I know what I really want?” asked Harry in a small voice, lifting his head and meeting Severus’s eyes. “How can I tell the difference between what I freely chose and what you've made me want?”
He looked so young, so lost, Severus was tempted to tell him some half-baked nonsense designed to soothe his worries, but Harry deserved more honesty than that. “There is no easy answer to your question. The question of free will has been debated by philosophers for ages.” Even Harry’s reckless suicidal nature was mostly due to his own nature. “Have you chosen to fight the Dark Lord of your own free will?”
“Yeah,” said Harry. “I'm going to do anything I can to get rid of him, because I want to.”
“Yet, did you really choose that fate or was it chosen for you?” pressed Severus. “If the prophecy didn’t exist, would you be so determined to give your life should his destruction require it? Would you be so willing to sacrifice your freedom and remain in this prison if you believed that you were one of several with the ability to destroy the Dark Lord, rather than the single prophesied Saviour?”
“I...” The conviction died, Harry worrying his lip. He dropped his head to his hands. “I don't....”
“Potter, I was merely playing devil's advocate to show how anyone as skilled as Lucius is can cause you to doubt even what you most firmly believe. You always have a choice. Always. I believe that you would maintain your current convictions simply because you've always been stupidly stubborn and far too much of a Gryffindor to be concerned with saving your own neck at the expense of others. When have you ever shown reason and self-preservation in your attempts to thwart the Dark Lord's plans? You were reckless at eleven and, despite my best attempts to change that, I don't believe that I've yet managed to instill in you a proper level of restraint and rationality.” Although he had improved greatly. “If anything, you need to learn that, despite what well-meaning fools have told you, the entire world doesn't rest on your shoulders. There is no point in sacrificing yourself needlessly. Especially for this world which has only sought to use you to fight its battles."
“But how do I know?” asked Harry, searching Severus’s face, as if he could find the answer there. “How do I know I'm choosing what I want?”
“You don't,” Severus said. “None of us ever do. There are precious few who even realise what it is that they really want and most individuals live far less complicated lives than yours. Furthermore, often what we choose isn’t what we really desire. You've decided that you wish to destroy the Dark Lord even at the expense of your own life, but you can't convince me that's where your heart's longing lies. You would've preferred a family of your own, wouldn't you?”
“Yes,” Harry whispered. He blinked rapidly, then asked, “Is it certain that I'll die?”
“No,” Severus assured him. “You'll probably marry Miss Weasley and have a million brats just like you. My only consolation for more Potters in this world is that I won't have to suffer through trying to teach them.”
There. Harry’s face brightened, just slightly, but enough for now. If only Severus could inspire that light.
Softly, Harry said, “I don't think I want more than two.”
“Let me guess. A boy named James and a girl named Lily?”
“Yeah,” said Harry. “You wouldn't get a kick out of bossing around a James Potter?”
Although he knew it was pointless and stupid, the thought of Harry with anyone, even a girl like the youngest Weasley tightened his stomach. Seeing the second James Potter would only remind him that, once again, someone else had been chosen over him. At least Lily had been attracted to his sex. He had no chance with Harry, but that didn’t make it any easier. Not wanting to reflect on it, he sighed, “I think I've suffered through enough Potters to last me a lifetime.” He stepped over to his bedside table and summoned tea for himself and Harry. “Tea?” he offered, pouring a cup.
“Yeah, thanks.” Standing, Harry walked over to sit on the bed. Water still slowly dripped from this thick hair, droplets clinging to his upper back. Not wanting to deal with wet bed covers, Severus stopped him. “Wait.” He headed to the cupboard, only to find that he needed to do laundry. As he glanced over the shelves, he spotted a set of clothes for Harry. Remembering how Harry had covered himself when feeling vulnerable before, he fetched them as well as a towel to spread on the bed.
“Your towel is damp,” he said as he passed the clothing and tea to Harry. Fetching his own tea, he took his chair, pretending to ignore how Harry studied him. They sat in silence for a moment before Harry asked, “Does it bother you? That you’re forced to have gay sex? I mean, you’re straight, right?”
No, not exactly. “While I have an inordinate fondness for large breasts-”
Harry choked, his tea sloshing in his cup and threatening to spill on the floor. He gulped down the liquid and set the cup on the bedside table. “I’m fine, thanks.” He raised an eyebrow at Severus and asked, “Large breasts?”
Watching the pink rise on Harry’s cheeks was always amusing. “Yes. Some men say that more than a mouthful or a handful is a waste; however, I beg to differ. There are few things as enjoyable in this world as fondling a large-breasted woman.” Or as handling a strong young man.
“I dunno, I’m fine with smaller ones,” said Harry.
“Madam Rosmerta's tits have never interested you?”
Harry flushed an interesting shade of red. “I’ve always preferred . . . girls like Dulcinea, the black-haired Honeyduke's assistant.”
“Miss Turron? She's completely flat.” And lacking in any sort of creative intelligence as well.
“She's not flat,” Harry argued. “I like them smaller anyway. Madam Rosmerta's are kinda... big.”
“She's perfect.” Could Harry’s face get any more red? “When the girls your age begin to fill out, you'll come to enjoy them more.”
“I enjoy them fine now!”
“I’ve never understood the appreciation many men seem to have for girls of your age,” said Severus, knowing that jealousy inspired his words, but unable to refrain. “In addition to the general stupidity and lack of maturity that follows youth, girls are best once they develop into women and no longer possess the flat chests and skinny hips and legs of a fourteen-year-old boy. Once you are older and develop some stamina, you’ll appreciate extra ‘cushioning,’ so to speak.”
“I have stamina now,” Harry protested. “I just don’t see the point in waiting for one orgasm when I can have several instead.”
“Youth is wasted on the young.*” One of these days he’d teach Harry that the journey could be just as pleasurable as the destination. Since Harry seemed calmer now, Severus set his empty cup on the bedside table and stood, drawing from his robes a special blend of the Muscle Salve that he normally used when Harry remained unconscious. “Lie down on your side so that I can massage your calves.”
Without hesitation, but with reservation, Harry obeyed. He kept his legs curled up to his chest, as if they formed a shield to protect him. When Severus sat on the bed by his feet, he stiffened slightly. Severus lightly touched his ankle and he sucked in a sharp breath, his back tense.
Gently, slowly, Severus pulled Harry’s left leg out across his lap. After covering his hands in the salve, he placed them on Harry’s calf and carefully pressed his thumbs into the tight muscle.
“Ow!” cried Harry, jumping and pulling his leg away. “Don’t squeeze so hard!”
He’d barely touched him. Knowing that Harry’s reaction had more to do with psychological hurt than anything physical, Severus gently pulled Harry’s leg back into his lap. “Your muscles are knotted. Tell me where it hurts.” Patiently, he worked his way up Harry’s warm leg until Harry breathed, “There.” His muscles tightened.
His entire body was a rigid mess of knots, but this spot was the worst of his leg so far. “Yes, I can feel it.”
“My muscles are in knots?” asked Harry, tension draining from him as he relaxed against the bed. “How did that happen?”
“Not literally,” explained Severus, concentrating on Harry’s leg. “Knots result from stress -- either physical or psychological. As the majority of your exercise stresses your back and legs, it is to be expected that most of your knots form in those areas. However, knots may also form independently of physical stress.” Once he’d worked that leg as much as the flesh would allow, he released it and said, “Now we need to let it rest. Give me your right leg.”
His resistant melted, Harry offered his other leg. Severus examined the muscles, finding them even more tight than the other leg had been.
“Right there,” breathed Harry when Severus’s fingers came across a particular hard expanse of knots.
“This is worse than the other,” said Severus. He carefully worked around the edges of the knot. “You must be preferentially putting weight on it when you practise.”
“You’re getting rid of the knot completely?”
Harry would need to completely relax for that to happen. Although some of his tension had drained, he still held himself stiffer than before. “As much as I am able. It will reform unless you remember to stretch properly before you begin your exercising and always use the muscle potion afterwards.” He massaged Harry’s leg until the tension started to drain, then offered, “I’ll work on your back now.”
He could’ve worked on Harry through his shirt, but he made no objection when Harry sat up and stripped it off. Harry lay back down, his back exposed and his body tense, as if he expected Severus to resume the torture.
Severus shifted to sit by Harry’s side and, as lightly as he could, touched Harry’s shoulders. Harry flinched slightly, but his back didn’t hold nearly as much tension as it had held immediately after the attack. Slowly, gently, Severus let his fingers trail over Harry’s back, trying to feel out the knots and get Harry used to his touch before he properly massaged him. He pointed out the knots so Harry would know when to expect a little more pressure, then began the massage.
He’d become interested in massage partially to build up the clone’s muscles, but also as an excuse to touch Harry more. If he’d know how therapeutic it could be for Harry, he would’ve given him massages earlier. Although he knew that the circumstances had contributed a lot as well, he hadn’t done much himself to ease the solid wall of muscle that had built in Harry’s back. He’d been too focused on giving a performance, too lost in his fantasy to realise how much he was hurting Harry. It was easy - too easy - for him to slide into a role and ignore reality. He had to be certain that wouldn’t happen after he freed Harry. He had to be certain that, if he had to take Harry’s memories, he could keep Harry himself intact.
If the Harry who lived wasn’t the incredible young man before him, then what was the point of saving him?
Chapter 51