Anachronism (15/16)
Sunday, 3 October, 9:13 PM
Severus spread the map of the garden across his desk. After hours of research, he had only been able to determine that the pools were concentrated points of energy. If his memories were contained within them, he had no idea how to find or recover them. Harry, knowing nothing about that type of magic, had been no help and had left, after dinner, to visit the Lovegood family, who had just returned from a trip abroad.
"Where's Phineas?" he asked Paracelsus.
Paracelsus glanced up from the book in his hands. "The monthly staff meeting at Hogwarts."
Severus could not do any research with so much of what he needed missing. "Where are my books on gemstones?"
"You don't own any. You've always just asked me about them."
"Did I ask you about gemstones after I fell ill?"
"Oh yes," said Paracelsus, shutting his book. "We had many a long conversation on their properties. You couldn't brew, so you had to make do with other interests."
Severus flipped the map vertically, sending it closer to Paracelsus's portrait. "I believe my memories might be hidden within the garden or the tower. I've used a variety of gemstones in its creation that I believe I used to cast the spell that saved my life." Magically highlighting them on the map, he listed off each gemstone. Pulling out the list Harry had given him earlier, he read those too.
"Ah, yes," said Paracelsus after he had heard the list. "I know all of those. Basically, bloodstone is also known as 'The Martyr's Gem', and it's used in spells of healing, especially magical illnesses. I suggested that you grind it up and use it in a potion to help heal your body. You were interested in increasing your ability to cast spells, and I suggested emerald for enhancing memory and mental focus. When you first asked me about emerald, I thought you meant to marry Harry, as emerald is often used in marriage ceremonies due to its association-"
Paracelsus would babble on for hours if Severus let him. "What about the other stones that were purchased in small quantites? Golden beryl, staurolite, and tanzanite."
"Golden beryl is often used for concentration and willpower, staurolite to enhance your magical ability, and tanzanite for protection and focusing." He paused, scratching his head. "What were the ones that you said composed the tower and walkways of the garden?"
Severus pointed to each on the map. "Obsidian-black obsidian and jadeite composed the outside of the tower, while blue obsidian lines the inside. Quartz lines the pathways, and opal, the pools. Moonstone is buried in the floor of the room."
Paracelsus nodded. "Quartz, obviously, is used for channeling. Jadeite-you might've ground that up too-is popularly used in healing spells. It has the ability to bind things together. It can act to heal wounds and convince the body to accept foreign material, if necessary. Black obsidian helps to ground and channel spells-to make sure they are cast at their intended target. Blue obsidian also helps with direction, as it can be used to form a connection with the target. It's good for astral travel, giving it purpose and direction."
"Astral travel?"
"Traveling across time and space."
"Of course," drawled Severus. The problem with Paracelsus was that there was so much rubbish in amongst what was useful. "Go on."
"Moonstone is a stone I knew you'd have difficulty using," Paracelsus wagged a finger at Severus, humour in his eyes. "But you wanted to learn about it anyway. It requires intuition and emotion rather than logic. Another stone used in marriages, it bonds individuals together and-"
"I wasn't using it for marriage. Is it used for anything practical?"
"Marriage is very practical," insisted Paracelsus, but he continued, "It helps protect the travelling wizard. Oh! I almost forgot. It can also be used in healing potions, as it stabilizes a critically injured individual and stimulates rejuvenation."
Scratching his chin, he said, "Let's see...Opal is used for many purposes. Like blue obsidian, it is also used in astral travel, as it helps facilitate communication between the worlds. I've heard claims that people can use it to remove and reinsert the soul, but I could never get those potions to brew correctly. The soul's a messy thing to work with. After all-"
Tuning Paracelsus out, Severus re-examined the map, running his fingers through the garden's spirals. The spell is a metaphor. Metaphor: to carry across from one domain to another.
It couldn't be. It was impossible. Snatching a quill, he yanked a piece of parchment to write a letter to Harry. His quill paused over the parchment. He needed to be careful about this.
He had to be sure. Absolutely sure.
That night, when Harry returned home from work, Severus took him to bed straightaway. He fucked him twice. The first time he took him slow and sensual, with Harry whispering his name and coming soundlessly between their joined bodies. The second time he had him hard and rough, Harry cursing, biting, and clawing up his back like a savage creature.
Afterwards, they lay together, Harry nestled against Severus's larger body, his eyelashes fluttering on Severus's chest as he tried-and failed-to stay awake. Unable to sleep himself, Severus held him all night, hoping to prove himself wrong in the morning.
Monday, 4 October, 6:13 PM
"Hullo!" Harry kissed Severus on the cheek, and plopped into the chair Severus had set in front of his lab office desk. Running a hand through his tangled mess of wind-blown hair, he said, "What did you want to see me about that couldn't wait until seven? Is it about whatever you were obsessing over last night at dinner?"
"I know what spell saved me."
"Oh?" Harry leant forward in the chair. "What was it?"
Handing him the scrap of paper, Severus said, "Everett is a reference to Hugh Everett, a physicist who first proposed the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics. Derided at the time, his theory later gained credence, as have other multi-universe hypotheses, also known as parallel universes. You see, work on quantum mechanics has revealed that-"
"Severus," said Harry with a chuckle, holding up his hand. "No techno-babble. Tell me in the simplest terms you can."
Sighing, Severus sat down in his own chair. "There are parallel universes. Some have a structure similar to our own while others are vastly different. In these other universes our doppelgängers live parallel yet divergent lives-some similar to us and others not so similar. I am from a parallel universe. I am a doppelgänger to your Severus Snape. I had my own Harry who was different from you. Your-"
"This is not funny." Harry shook his head, his eyes steadfast behind the lenses of his glasses. "I know that you like to have a laugh by tricking me. But this-" he waved his hand.
Severus had known this wouldn't be easy. It hadn't been easy for him to accept, and he'd seen all the evidence, asked all the questions to try to prove it wrong. "I'm serious. Did you date Cho Chang?"
"No." Scoffing as if Severus had asked him if he'd dated Draco, Harry said, "She cried all the time. Why would I date her? I was jealous at the Yule Ball because I wanted Cedric, not because of her."
Of the things that were most variable between the universes, romance headed the list for reasons Severus couldn't explain. "In my universe, you did. In my universe, you never dated Charlie. You never broke up with Miss Weasley as far as I was aware." Harry shook his head, but Severus kept speaking, "The only time you were apart was when you left to hunt the Horcruxes with Granger and Mr. Weasley."
"And Charlie."
"Not in my universe."
Harry threw up his hands. "All of your memories have gone to shite. Charlie was there when Nagini bit you. He saved your life!"
"He didn't. I died." Severus pulled out a strand of memory and dumped it into the Pensieve he had set up on his desk. "Look at my memory. Charlie was never there."
Eyes narrowed, Harry stood, grabbed the bowl, and shoved his head in the surface. After several minutes, he yanked his head out, and collapsed back into his chair. He slowly shook his head, his eyes staring at some point past the desk. "This is wrong. Something went wrong with your mind when you got sick."
"No," Severus gently corrected him. "In my universe, I died. My soul left my body, and was pulled into this universe. Your Severus, the one whom you had a relationship with, knew that he wouldn't be able to survive with his magic turned against him. Magic is linked to the soul and, as long as he lived in this body, his magic would eat him alive. He guessed that one of his doppelgängers had died in that moment in 1998, and set up a spell to bring me through, and put me in his body. I assume he traded places with me, and died in my body. He had a body and corrupt magic, while I had a dying body and whole magic. He gave me a chance to live after he died."
"No." Harry stared at the Pensieve. "No. No. No. NO!" He jumped to his feet and paced. "That doesn't make any fucking sense! Even if you lived in another parallel universe, you can't just jump across time!"
Severus followed Harry's pacing before he asked, "Why not?"
Harry sputtered. "It's impossible!"
Softly, Severus said, "Time is not linear. Ever since Einstein showed that time is relative with his General Theory-"
"No techno-babble. Say it straight."
"You have Time-Turners in this universe?"
Harry nodded. He brought his fist to his mouth and bit his index finger.
"They work by creating a mini-black hole that warps the fabric of space-time. Likewise, the spell that he cast was so powerful, it warped space-time and pulled me through, not only from another dimension, but also from another space-time coordinate. Such things are simple enough if you understand the physics and mathematics. Of course, the power required to do such an act is...." Severus shook his head. "It's incredible. If it wasn't for the tower and the garden, it would've never worked. I imagine his increased magical ability helped as well. Without-"
"That's.... It's impossible! I mean, with Time-turners, you don't inhabit your old body, there are two of you! If you were pulled across, then there would be two of you! There should be two of you! How can you make it so just the soul goes across? How d'you know that the magic isn't linked to the body?"
"I know that magic isn't linked to the body because I wouldn't be here if my magic were linked to my body. I would've died. My body didn't come across because it died in my world, and his spell ensured that my soul would inhabit his body."
Harry just shook his head.
"Look." Severus pulled out the list he had compiled. "All of our discrepancies that I've gathered so far. Most of them are little things, but there are some big changes. Tonks married Lupin in my universe and gave birth to his son." He had not attended the wedding, but he pulled out the memories of hearing of it along with the single picture that he'd seen. He had no proof of their child beyond Voldemort's word. It wasn't much, but he figured it would do more to convince Harry than any of the smaller things, like preferred potions ingredients or shaving methods. "I also accidentally cut off George Weasley's ear trying to save Lupin." Pulling the memory out, he placed it in the bowl as well. "When I saw Mr Weasley, I assumed he had somehow found a way to have it healed or it was a fake, but I gather that in this universe, it was never lost."
Still staring off into space, Harry shook his head. "Memories can be faked-"
"I'm not lying to you."
"But the wards recognised you! They wouldn't have done that if you weren't...."
"They didn't at first. They were very familiar to me, but I could tell they weren't what I remembered. The two of us are doppelgängers similar enough that our differences are no more than what can be expected if a wizard goes through a period of heavy stress or illness. Patronuses aren't the only type of magic that can change under harsh conditions. I assumed the differences in my magic were due to my infirmity. That was why Kreacher never paid attention to the difference either."
"Kreacher!" called Harry.
The house-elf appeared.
"Was his," Harry jabbed an accusatory finger at Severus, "magic different when he woke?"
"Yes, Master Harry," confirmed the house-elf with a nod.
"Is he...is he Severus?"
Kreacher peered at Severus with his nose wrinkled as if he couldn't stand to look upon him. "He is not the same, but he is Severus. Do you want me to kick him out of the house?"
"No," said Harry softly. "Thank you, Kreacher."
Giving a glare to Severus and a bow to Harry, Kreacher vanished.
Harry said nothing. Draped in the chair as if he were trying to disappear into it, his gaze remained fixed on the Pensieve.
"Here's what I- he used each of the gemstones for," said Severus, laying the scroll on the desk. He pulled out more to lay on the desk, announcing each one: "The list of each rune and how they help, the architecture of the garden, the astronomical considerations he used to try to collect a doppelgänger who would 'fit' within this universe, and the potion he probably developed in order to prevent his body from rejecting me. The Transmundo Potion. Have you ever wondered why so many herbs used in Memory Potions grow in the garden? I theorise he found a way to bring and implant my memories along with my soul as well. Since the soul and memories tend to be linked, it may not have been possible for me to survive here otherwise."
"That's enough," said Harry, holding up a hand. "I believe you." He raised his eyes to meet Severus for the first time since Severus had told him the truth. His eyes had that same lost expression Severus had seen before. In an oddly steady voice, he said, "My Severus is gone. He's never coming back."
Severus had always known it, but hearing those words on Harry's lips seemed to pull reality in, and the full weight of what had happened settled on him like a thick cloud of cauldron smoke. Just as he had feared, his entire relationship with Harry had been a sham, a shadow of a genuine bond that he had attempted to carry out in the memory of a now-dead man. There was no reason for the two of them to carry on a relationship together-if Harry would even want to. He was not Harry's Severus, and he could never be that man. Even though he had believed the illusion wholeheartedly, his belief had not been enough to make it reality. Never had he felt more set apart from Harry and the world before him. This wasn't his place. This wasn't his life.
"Did you..." Harry stared at the Pensieve again before looking back at Severus. "...have any idea? Could you have guessed?"
"No. There were small signs, I could've guessed if I knew a fraction of what he'd done. But, I had no idea. He hid it too well. If I had known, I would've never...." He waved a hand at Harry. He never would have tried to take a dead man's place. He never would have tried to sustain a relationship that had already passed. It wasn't that he'd not enjoyed his time with Harry, but that man had not been him. Even though his affections for Harry had changed over the last few months, he would never have attempted to replace what had come before. He would have approached Harry on his own terms, as the Severus Snape that he was, not as an imitation of another.
Harry shook his head. "You're not my Severus. You'll never be him."
"No." He couldn't. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't.
Harry stood, glaring at Severus. "I don't want you," he said. "I wish you weren't here. I wish he'd just died. I wish you'd die." Pushing past Severus, he walked from the room.
His chest achingly hollow, Severus watched Harry leave. As much as he wanted to follow, he had no right. There was nothing he could do.
7:00 PM
At seven, Severus arrived in the library, alone.
"I've worked it out," Severus told Phineas. "I know I'm not the Severus Snape you knew."
"It's true?" Phineas arched an eyebrow.
Severus stared at him. "I thought you knew? You gave me the clue."
Shrugging, Phineas said, "I suspected, but I didn't know for certain."
"What's going on?" asked Paracelsus. "What are you on about? Where's Harry? Did you do something again?"
Phineas gave Severus a sharp look. "You told the boy?"
Severus nodded. "He had the right to know."
Phineas shook his head. "How did he take it?"
The rejection still stung bitter in his throat. "How do you think?"
"So why aren't you with him?"
"He walked out."
"You're supposed to follow!" cried Paracelsus.
"Be quiet," snapped Severus. "You don't know what's happened."
"I don't need to know!" he said, jumping from his chair and hurrying to the edge of his frame. "Harry carries the weight of the world on his shoulders! If you've hurt him again-if whatever you've done has convinced him that you're beyond his reach forever, he'll destroy himself if he has nowhere to unleash his pain! You must go to him. Now!"
Severus scoffed. "He's probably with one of his friends."
"Severus," said Phineas, "don't be a fool. The only ones who could possibly understand Harry at a time like this is the dead."
"Charlie!" cried Paracelsus, wringing his hands. "He must be with Charlie! Go! Quick!" He shooed him towards the door.
Be with Charlie? What? Paracelsus couldn't possibly mean....
Severus burst through one of the floor-to-ceiling windows, shattering the glass ahead of his flight. Up, up, up he flew, high until he broke through the wards. As soon as he could, he Apparated to Godric's Hollow where he assumed Charlie to be buried. He had seen a Weasley plot on the way to visit Lily's grave.
Only to find hundreds more tombs than there had been before the war.
Cursing aloud, he dashed to the main building in order to find a map. In the growing dusk, the light was poor and there were far too many tombstones to try to read them.
The map revealed the location of Charlie's grave. He Apparated there, not caring if he splinched himself due to the lack of never seeing the location. Thankfully, the map served as guide enough and he landed in the grass with all parts in place rather than in the middle of a tombstone.
Harry was nowhere in sight. The wide, thick tombstone read, 'Charlie Gideon Weasley; Beloved son and friend; 12th December 1972 - 2 May 1998.' Harry had to be here. Crouching down on his hands and knees, Severus felt around, patting the earth and stone.
It wasn't until he touched the grass behind the tombstone that he felt fabric his eyes couldn't see. Plucking the invisible cloth between his fingers, he pulled off the Invisibility Cloak.
Harry lay on his side, his eyes shut. Swooping in, Severus snatched him up, and felt for a pulse with trembling fingers. The slow, steady beat of Harry's heart almost arrested his own, and he cradled Harry to his chest, just savouring the feel of holding him. The abnormally slow, but rhythmic beat meant that Harry'd taken some sort of sleeping potion. He could still die if too much had been taken, but he was still alive and, after everything, Severus would never let him go. His hands and magic sliding over and into Harry's shirt and jeans, Severus searched for a bottle or vial to learn what Harry had ingested, but didn't find a thing. The boy didn't even have his wand on him.
Supporting Harry's head on his left arm, Severus bent his head, and sucked in the smell of Harry's breath. Definitely an Alouatta hair based sleeping potion, either taken recently or in large quantities. Gently prying open Harry's mouth, Severus swept his tongue inside. Dreamless Sleep. He'd recognise the taste of it anywhere, it was his personal favourite and he himself had been addicted once. Harry would've had to have ingested large quantities for it to be poisonous, but without having observed the boy since they parted company, it was impossible to know for certain how much he'd taken, and his heart could stop at any moment.
The realisation of that fact calmed Severus's own heart, focused his mind, and stopped his hands from shaking. He was a Potions Master. He might've mucked things up beyond repair with his words and his actions, but he knew, more than anyone, how to save Harry from potions.
He laid Harry in the grass like a sleeping infant and pulled off his outer robe. Out of habit, he had restocked his potions satchel the previous weekend and, knowing Harry's propensity for taking sleeping potions, had added a few extra ingredients. On top of the gravestone's base, he prepared his lab: fire, make-shift cauldron, and preparation block. Casting a spell to amplify Harry's breathing and heartbeat in order to monitor them, Severus set to work on the most important potion of his life. The rhythm of Harry's heart was a metronome that drove him forward, pushing him to work with the utmost care and patience.
"I'm destroying all of your sleeping potions the moment I return home," Severus informed Harry's sleeping form. "I'll not let you ruin your life."
The potion turned deep red and Severus shut off the flame then spelled air to whisk away the heat. Scooping Harry up again, he cradled him against his chest and trailed his fingers through the shock of black hair.
"You're the only thing that matters in this world-the only thing that has ever mattered in any world."
The potion faded to a soft pink and Severus plucked it off the tombstone and, tilting Harry's head back, pressed it to Harry's lips. Massaging Harry's throat to prevent asphyxiation, he focused on the closed eyes to gauge the reaction. The moment the slightest tremor ran through the line of black lashes, he pulled the vial away, returning it to the tombstone. Shifting Harry to gaze at his closed eyes, he rested his hand on Harry's chest.
"Harry?"
The orbs rolled beneath the thin flap of skin, but his eyes remained hidden.
Louder, Severus asked, "Harry?"
Green appeared. Fuzzy, confused green, but green nonetheless. For several agonizing moments, Harry stared at some point beyond Severus. Then, he whispered, "Sev'rus?"
Stroking the soft skin of Harry's cheek, Severus said, "I gave you a potion to counteract the Dreamless Sleep."
Harry's eyes closed again, but his heart rate soared towards normal. Holding Harry in his arms, petting his cheek, Severus waited for him to fully wake.
Harry's eyes opened again and, for a split second, there was a flash of pure joy. Almost as quickly as it had appeared, grief swept it away. Harry yanked himself out of Severus's arms, clumsily scrambling to the other side of the tombstone, his body slowed by the remains of the sleeping potion still coursing through his body. He curled against the marble, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his face in his arms.
Helplessly watching, Severus felt as though his guts were being yanked out by a particularly vicious curse, no matter how much he reminded himself that he didn't deserve Harry's anger-that he wasn't responsible for this. He understood why Harry refused him, but it didn't make the piercing hole in his gut go away. Unable to imagine what he could even begin to say to ease Harry's anguish, Severus busied himself with putting away his equipment.
"Go away," said Harry, his voice muffled by his arms.
Severus said in his best 'Professor' voice, "And let you destroy yourself? I think not."
"Stop it. I'm not your Harry. I'm not the person you remember."
"Does it matter?"
Harry threw back his head, striking the marble. "It matters to me! That fucker! He thought he could fix everything, the arrogant bastard. Impotent? No matter, I'll just get you a new sexual partner. Dying? I'll just get you a new Severus." Harry sucked in a breath, tears welling in his eyes. "I don't want a new Severus! I want my Severus!" His voice broke and the tears flowed.
Not knowing what to say, Severus sat helplessly, watching Harry cry.
Harry bent forward, burying his face in the grass. His hands clawed at the earth, tearing up bits of soil and grass. Sobs racked his body so violently, it seemed that he would fly apart. Severus didn't know how long he sat there, watching Harry pour out his pain, but when his tears finally subsided and his body no longer shook with each breath, Harry sat up and said in a small voice, "I wish he'd died. I wish he'd died and stayed dead because now-I've lost him twice. I knew he was dying. I was ready. I was prepared. I was not prepared for his bloody ghost to live with me! He lied to me. He lied to me and tricked me. He didn't keep it a secret because he wanted us to work together-he kept it a secret because he knew I would reject you!"
"He wanted to protect you-"
"No!" Rising up on his knees, Harry banged his fists against the tombstone. "He didn't! If he had, he'd have never left me with a strange man in his body! Who knows who could've come through? What if the closest Severus had been a sadist who would’ve loved to torture and rape me? What then?"
Severus could not answer. He'd hurt Harry himself. Would the other Severus have ever done that?
Harry sank back down. "It was all based on guilt. He knew it was his own damn fault. It's his fault that..." He swallowed. "He left me."
Sweeping over to Harry's side, Severus knelt in the grass and extended his hand, palm up. "Come back home. I need to flush the rest of the potion from your system and you could use a strong cup of tea."
His eyes staring at the grass, Harry shook his head. "No. Go. I'll come back later."
"I'll not leave you after what you just did."
Harry rolled his eyes. "I wasn't trying to kill myself or anything stupid like that. I just wanted to sleep." He fiddled with his sleeve, looking at everything but Severus.
"In the middle of a graveyard?"
Harry's eyes finally met his own. Bloodshot and shiny from the tears, they were hard but empty, like long, dark tunnels. "Go away."
Unperturbed, Severus said, "I won't let you hurt yourself."
"Oh, shut up!" said Harry, his face contorted into an ugly sneer. "You are nothing. You are a dead man walking around in another dead man's body. How sick is that? You're a freak. A-"
Severus rose to his feet. "Now you're just being childish."
"Fuck you, arsehole! You don't belong here. You're worthless! You should be dead! Go and kill yourself!"
Severus clenched his fists. No one had ever spoken to him like that before. Not even his father.
Harry jumped to his feet and spread his arms wide. "Will you hit me now? Go on, try it!"
Harry wanted to be hit. He wanted to be insulted, beaten, maybe even held down on the tombstone and raped. He wanted someone to hate other than his lover- no, other than himself. He needed someone to blame, someone else to take the pain that was eating away at him. Severus had wanted it himself twenty-two years ago, and he'd found his scapegoat in the Dark Lord. For too many years he had been consumed by the guilt of that moment, hoping to be free of it by turning his anger outward, but the self-loathing had never left him. If anything, it had mixed with the rage and multiplied.
In a low, even voice, Severus said, "I'll not be your monster. If you desire to play the martyr, find someone else." Before Harry could respond, he Apparated home, calling Kreacher as soon as he arrived.
"Alert me the moment Harry returns," he told the house-elf as he marched to the bedroom. "And don't let him near any sleeping potions."
"Yes, Master Snape," said Kreacher with a rare respect. He vanished without a sound.
Starting with their mutual bedroom, Severus collected every single sleeping potion he could find and destroyed them all. There were a few potions scattered amongst the toiletries that could be mixed together to form sleeping potions, and he removed all trace of those as well. Just to be sure, he hid all alcohol behind heavy wards, and set protective measures over the lab as a precaution.
After checking to be sure that there were no dangers lurking in the garden, he fixed himself a strong cup of tea, set up wards around the edges of the property to alert him should Harry pass through, and positioned himself in the room at the top of the tower.
It wasn't until tendrils of gold lapped against the clouds closest to the horizon that Kreacher appeared shortly before the wards rippled indicating Harry had returned.
"Master Harry has returned."
Although Severus had never researched house-elf powers, he knew they had abilities beyond wizards, particularly when it came to protecting the members of their wizarding families. "Can you monitor him without being seen?"
Kreacher nodded. "I'm aware of my Master's health."
"He needs to go to bed without sleeping potions. If he takes any, alert me. If he does anything stupid or dangerous, alert me. In the morning, bring him his favourite food for a meal. He may not want to eat, but we cannot let him ruin his health."
Kreacher bowed before he left.
If Harry took sleeping potions every night, and had for several months, he would suffer from withdrawal. Heading to his lab, Severus set about brewing a potion to help ease Harry off of them.
Tuesday, 5 October, 7:13 AM
Ginevra jumped out of the Floo, worry written all over her face. "Where's Harry? What's happened?"
"Come." Severus motioned for her to follow him into the sitting room. "It'll take a moment to explain."
Following him into the sitting room, she perched on the edge of an armchair and clutched her hands in her lap so tightly, her knuckles turned white.
As clearly and succinctly as he could, Severus explained that he was not the Severus she remembered. At first, she just stared at him blankly, her eyebrows drawn in. When he explained what his other self had done, her brown eyes flew open, and a hand clamped over her mouth. She fell back against the chair, her face draining of colour.
Although he wanted to protect Harry's privacy, he couldn't let him hurt himself, and mentioned the situation with the sleeping potions as well. After he had said as much as he thought she needed to know, he waited for her response.
She stared at him. For a heavy moment, she said not a word. When she finally lowered her hand from her mouth she whispered, "He's gone? Completely?"
"I would not be here if he'd not."
"I- I mean, no memories. He didn't leave those?"
Severus slowly shook his head. "I suppose he decided to cast only the spells that were absolutely essential in order to remain alive as long as possible. Removing the memories may have drained him." Or the other Severus had hoped the new one would never discover what he had done.
"Oh, Harry!" Her hands flew to her mouth again and tears pooled in her eyes. "Oh! Oh, Harry!"
He sat, watching the tears flow down her cheeks.
Softly he said, "He won't see me, but he should tolerate you."
Nodding, tears still flowing, she jumped up, slid onto the sofa, and threw her arms around him. Shocked, Severus held himself stiff, unsure of what to say or do.
"Oh, Severus, I'm so sorry. You've lost your Harry."
That thought had never crossed his mind. In his universe, they thought he was dead. There, they had held a funeral and buried his body. He'd never be able to tell them he'd not died, and Harry would never know the potential of a relationship that had been lost.
Gently prying Ginevra off of him, Severus said, "We were never lovers. I'm sure the Harry I knew is alive and happy now, and that's all that matters. He's probably with the other you at this very moment."
She gave a choked laugh through her tears. "You must be joking. As much as Harry loves the idea of having a family of his own, sooner or later he would've realised that he would never enjoy creating a family the traditional way. Sometimes Harry can be terribly oblivious. I knew he was gay barely a month into dating him." Patting his arm, she stood. "I'll go talk and to him. Thank you for owling me. Don't worry about him, he's strong."
Severus stood with her. "Make sure he takes the potion I've brewed for him."
"I will," she promised before he walked off.
With nothing else to do, he returned to his lab to brew and wait.
9:02 PM
When Severus heard the knock on the door of his potions lab, Harry flashed through his mind, even though the knock hadn’t been his typical rap. He pulled open the door, quashing the disappointment that made no sense at all since he'd not expected Harry anyway.
Ginevra gave him a small smile. "He’s insisting on working. He works too much. You should go and talk to him."
Turning around, Severus headed back to his worktable. "I think it’s best that I leave him alone for the time being."
"He needs you now."
Severus scoffed. "He needs the man who looks like his dead lover? He wants to see the living spectre of a future that'll never be?"
She strode into the room, stopping on the other side of the work table. "You love him, don’t you?"
He couldn't say what he felt. He loved the idea of a relationship meant for him-a world where he had what his heart desired. But it wasn't his world. Harry wasn't his lover-he never had been. He had allowed himself to live in a fantasy for a moment, but that was just all it was. "I don’t hate him."
"Right," she huffed. "So you love him. If you were faking-if you were just stringing him along and playing with his affections as some sort of game-"
His glare shut her mouth. "Don’t insult me."
"All right." She threw up her hands in defeat. "But think about this: maybe the core that makes you who you are, is the same between you and your other self. Maybe only memories died with him, and not the part of you that makes you Severus. You love him because it doesn't matter what universe you are in-you'll always love him."
"We are nothing more than the sum of our memories. My doppelgänger and I share similar lives, but we diverged from each other the moment different experiences took us apart. Yes, we shared a great many similarities, but I have no desire to attempt to be a man I never was. Harry wants the man he loved, not me. He shouldn't be forced to accept a substitute simply for similarity in form."
She sighed. "You claim to be different, but you're just as stubborn as he was." With a swirl that sent her hair flying, she marched from the room.
Wednesday, 6 October, 6:13 PM
Harry pushed open the door to the potions lab. "Hullo," he said softly.
"Good evening," replied Severus. He poured the ground-up rose quartz into the cauldron, but it didn't matter to him how the potion turned out.
"I'm sorry I said those things to you," said Harry from the doorway. "You didn't deserve it. It isn't your fault you're here. I took my anger out on you, and I shouldn't have. I'm so sorry." After a long pause, he added, "I'm not angry at you."
"I realised."
Wandering into the room, his eyes roaming over the shelves of the potions ingredients, Harry trailed his fingertips along a worktable. Severus let him move, pretending to concentrate on his potions.
After far too long, Harry's voice shattered the oppressive quiet. "Emilie knows a lot about physics, and she said that the type of spell he used requires the cooperation of the other person. It wouldn't have worked unless you'd been willing to come. She said," Harry paused as if gathering his thoughts. "She said that because he set the coordinates so specifically-to ensure he'd find, and draw here, a Severus that closely matched himself, but who died that night in the shack-it's amazing that it worked at all. It shouldn't have worked by the laws of probability. The odds were astronomical."
Severus hadn't quite the grasp of mathematics necessary to calculate out the chances, but he believed it. "He wouldn't have been able to do it without the garden or his increased power."
Harry stared at a jar of wyvern hearts. "How much longer do you think he would've lived if he'd not cast it?"
"Perhaps a few more months. It is impossible to say. Look-"
Harry glanced over, his fingers resting on the shelf.
Severus sucked in a deep breath. "I've found a flat-"
"No."
"I don't think-"
"Please, stay here," said Harry, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets, and meandering over to lean against a workbench, his eyes tired. "He destroyed your home, and spent your money. You shouldn't have to live as a pauper because of mistakes that weren't your own. This is your house. If anyone should leave, I should. "
"Nonsense," said Severus.
Harry just shook his head. "Besides…. I know it's selfish, but it'll be easier for me to get over-" His breath catching in his throat, he lifted a hand to his mouth and gave a weak cough. "Easier to get over this mess if I see you regularly, rather than infrequently. Please? If you- if we can't be together as lovers, let's at least be friends."
It wouldn't be easier for him. To live with Harry, but forever be apart from him would be hell. He couldn't refuse him though, not when he knew how much he was needed. If he couldn't fix it, then he would have to endure it. "I'll take the room across from yours."
"Fine." Harry rocked on his heels and pursed his lips. "If you want to take your dinner somewhere other than the library, just let Kreacher know. I've told him to regard you as equivalent to me. I'll see you around."
Severus said nothing. The shutting of the door behind Harry echoed softly throughout the room, sealing their separation with a soft click.
Chapter 1 ... 16 Epilogue