(no subject)
I miss having a boyfriend.
I miss having someone I wanted to sleep next too, wanted to snuggle up against that I didn't wonder if he'd want the same in the morning.
I miss having someone hug me that I didn't tense up right away from reflex. I miss giving hugs to someone I wanted to hug and not have him go "what are you doing? Wierdo, get away!"
I have everything in a relationship from Bob -except- the dating part. We aren't anything physical, but we do everything together. Things have happened between us but I'm not wanting anything more with him, I like us being the closest of friends. I don't want to date Bob. God help me, I'm still in love with Ryan. There, I admitted it online. To the world. Whatever, it doesn't change a damn thing.
The damn fantasy is a lie. I've been in relationships that seemed like fantasies and they ended badly, both of them. I still hold out for "my" fairytale, but it's not like it'll happen soon. I've been watching too many sitcoms and TV shows, this is why I watch shows on the history channel. Very few "close to home" love stories there.
Ryan won't want to date me, and I'm not bringing this up to him. We're past it. When I had a shitty week I took the train to Connecticut for the weekend to be with him. He made me feel better. I didn't want to come home for the sole reason that for the first time in a -long- time we were alone and not fighting. We threw cracks at each other but we didn't fight.
Stupid friggin' hormones. Stupid boys. Stupid sitcoms. Where the hell is my happy beginning.
Oh, and my coworker broke his foot, possibly his wrist last week but he won't go get that part checked out. Moron. Hope he feels better. So I get overtime on my days off to cover his ass. Moron. Hope he feels better. God I'm a bitch. Stupid hormones.
Oh, and as far as fantasies go how's this-- this fucked up "thing" that Ryan and I have kept alive? We're happy with it. When he ends it? Or even if I end it? Oi. I'm rambling, never mind. Fantasies are a lie.
I miss having someone I wanted to sleep next too, wanted to snuggle up against that I didn't wonder if he'd want the same in the morning.
I miss having someone hug me that I didn't tense up right away from reflex. I miss giving hugs to someone I wanted to hug and not have him go "what are you doing? Wierdo, get away!"
I have everything in a relationship from Bob -except- the dating part. We aren't anything physical, but we do everything together. Things have happened between us but I'm not wanting anything more with him, I like us being the closest of friends. I don't want to date Bob. God help me, I'm still in love with Ryan. There, I admitted it online. To the world. Whatever, it doesn't change a damn thing.
The damn fantasy is a lie. I've been in relationships that seemed like fantasies and they ended badly, both of them. I still hold out for "my" fairytale, but it's not like it'll happen soon. I've been watching too many sitcoms and TV shows, this is why I watch shows on the history channel. Very few "close to home" love stories there.
Ryan won't want to date me, and I'm not bringing this up to him. We're past it. When I had a shitty week I took the train to Connecticut for the weekend to be with him. He made me feel better. I didn't want to come home for the sole reason that for the first time in a -long- time we were alone and not fighting. We threw cracks at each other but we didn't fight.
Stupid friggin' hormones. Stupid boys. Stupid sitcoms. Where the hell is my happy beginning.
Oh, and my coworker broke his foot, possibly his wrist last week but he won't go get that part checked out. Moron. Hope he feels better. So I get overtime on my days off to cover his ass. Moron. Hope he feels better. God I'm a bitch. Stupid hormones.
Oh, and as far as fantasies go how's this-- this fucked up "thing" that Ryan and I have kept alive? We're happy with it. When he ends it? Or even if I end it? Oi. I'm rambling, never mind. Fantasies are a lie.