Things that go bump in my brain...
I'm struggling. Thats been my MO as of late. Everything seems really really difficult right now. Most difficult is the realization that many of the relationship downfalls that occurred were a direct corealation to my lack of awareness. Lack of awareness towards others, lack of awareness towards my true feelings. This isn't to say its ALL my fault. This is a two way street. But its true.
I was never aware of her concerns as I was of my own. I treated her feelings as being below my own, which is simply not appropriate for a relationship. And even when I was looking at myself, I was trying to be miss popular lesbian nyc 2008, when the truth was, I just wanted to be a housewife. A working one maybe, but really just focused on my partnership and my well-being.
I was scared to move that way. Scared to be so close to someone. And in doing so, I acted out. Acted like a child. And now I am paying for it by losing the most important person in my life...The best thing that ever happened to me. I wasted nights out drinking away my fears, playing out dramas because they aren't real...My realtionship was. And I was scared fucking shitless.
And now all I have are broken memories, and a hope that one day, I will learn my lesson. And that maybe, I won't do this all over again the next time I meet someone who means so much to me. Who loves me so much that she is willing to do whatever it takes, within her power, to make me happy. That is...if there is another person.
I hope there is.
In the mean time. I am cultivating a kindler, gentler version of myself. One who does her work in stride, instead of in a mania the night before a deadline. A person who sees NYC as a land of opportunity, even if I do decide to leave it soon. And I am putting my extraneous, fake social life on hold in order to cultivate relationships with my true friends. Those of whom I know would go to bat for me anytime I need them.
And maybe, amid the changes and the realizations that life isn't so bad...Maybe, just maybe what I want in my deepest hearts desires...will come true. I'm patient. I can wait.