(no subject)
I'm not super into this.
I'm starting too feel like there is a lot of negative energy spit in my general (or rather, specific) direction lately. It's not just the feeling that many friends of mine (and good ones at that) secretly harbor anti-matt sentiments(which makes me very uncomfortable and also unhappy (these sentiments being inferred from a sort of general attitudinal swing I've noticed lately, passive aggressive-styled comments, and sort-of jokes that many of my very good friends have been making lately), but I also I feel that people I barely know have decided to hate on me behind my back. I'm not sure how to deal with this. For one, I spend most of my time working (and thusly, in my room) and I already feel like I've retreated from the social scene because I felt uncomfortable with the idea that all the people in it secretly hated me.
It bothers me that people think I think I'm way cool & a rockstar-type. It also bothers me that people think I'm asexual. I wish it wouldn't bother me.
I think I make a conscious effort to be nice, open, to not be self centered, to approach everyone with the same amount of curiosity. I try really hard to not think or say negative things about people. I'm not sure what I should do.
I guess I could broadcast my success less. I know I posted too much stuff about my Machine Drum remix here. I felt kinda embarrassed after I put the cover up. I also think I'll try to make an even more conscious effort to be generous and caring towards others.
There is so much more upsetting me, its all sort of blurring together. I don't know why I always make myself into an outsider without trying. The only time I ever felt I had friends who didn't talk shit about me was last year and the second semester of my first year at New College. I knew that other kids didn't like me, and that people I thought were friends were trashing me when I wasn't around, but there were enough kids around that I loved (& who I felt comfortable in the fact that they genuinely liked me) that I felt balanced and it sort of neutralized the other stuff.
I just hope this doesn't make me retreat more.
I'm sorry I posted this & that it's so self involved. I just feel like I need to get it out into public so I can stop obsessing about it. Other than this shit, I'm making a lot of music I'm really happy with & I've been really happy with the productive machine I've become.
Any suggestions for me about how I can become better will be appreciated & not held against the speaker.
I'm starting too feel like there is a lot of negative energy spit in my general (or rather, specific) direction lately. It's not just the feeling that many friends of mine (and good ones at that) secretly harbor anti-matt sentiments(which makes me very uncomfortable and also unhappy (these sentiments being inferred from a sort of general attitudinal swing I've noticed lately, passive aggressive-styled comments, and sort-of jokes that many of my very good friends have been making lately), but I also I feel that people I barely know have decided to hate on me behind my back. I'm not sure how to deal with this. For one, I spend most of my time working (and thusly, in my room) and I already feel like I've retreated from the social scene because I felt uncomfortable with the idea that all the people in it secretly hated me.
It bothers me that people think I think I'm way cool & a rockstar-type. It also bothers me that people think I'm asexual. I wish it wouldn't bother me.
I think I make a conscious effort to be nice, open, to not be self centered, to approach everyone with the same amount of curiosity. I try really hard to not think or say negative things about people. I'm not sure what I should do.
I guess I could broadcast my success less. I know I posted too much stuff about my Machine Drum remix here. I felt kinda embarrassed after I put the cover up. I also think I'll try to make an even more conscious effort to be generous and caring towards others.
There is so much more upsetting me, its all sort of blurring together. I don't know why I always make myself into an outsider without trying. The only time I ever felt I had friends who didn't talk shit about me was last year and the second semester of my first year at New College. I knew that other kids didn't like me, and that people I thought were friends were trashing me when I wasn't around, but there were enough kids around that I loved (& who I felt comfortable in the fact that they genuinely liked me) that I felt balanced and it sort of neutralized the other stuff.
I just hope this doesn't make me retreat more.
I'm sorry I posted this & that it's so self involved. I just feel like I need to get it out into public so I can stop obsessing about it. Other than this shit, I'm making a lot of music I'm really happy with & I've been really happy with the productive machine I've become.
Any suggestions for me about how I can become better will be appreciated & not held against the speaker.