(no subject)
When involved in the larger social scene at CalArts, I feel invisible and unimportant... No one seems interested in meeting me or, in some cases, even saying "hey" back to me. I'm not quite sure why this is, but it is in stark contrast to life at New College. Though, even at NCF I hung out with the same people all the time, I still felt like a being or a presence-- many times too much so. I wonder if I used my quota up? I like certain aspects of invisibility (so far, I don't feel like people are talking shit about me behind my back... no false feeling friendships) and I suppose it's rather early in my time at CalArts, but at the same time this type of existence is a little off-putting.
I've also been thinking about the things I do well and how, compared to many of the students here, I do relatively few things well. I wonder if it is because I've spent so much of my life reading, if I am lazy, incapable? I'd like to become well versed and good at something new-- a new instrument, socializing, programming, break dancing, something-- but seem to run up against a bunch of problems or forget when I have the time. I wonder if I just haven't found that niche to fill (the one I was built for)? Again, it could just be laziness.
At the same time I am obsessing about this, I wonder why I care. It would be a lot easier-- and I a lot happier-- if I wasn't concerned with this at all. I can be good at one thing and still live a productive, happy, and probably enjoyable life... I could probably be good at nothing and still do that. I'll probably be less happy simply because I am concerned. Somehow, to make the situation easier to swallow, I've justified it by convincing myself that I am just smart enough to know where I am weak, but not nearly as smart as I have been told. I believe I am finally realizing that I've been an incredibly good actor, hard worker, and convincing showman-- which tricked even me for a while.
Because of this, I want to outline some goals, whether I can control them or not:
1. People will no longer treat me as invisible, nor I them.
2. I will take up the next serious thing that strikes my fancy. I will treat this as an important activity & will require myself to practice it everyday.
3. I will keep making music, whether I or others believe I am good at it.
4. I will take my musical education very seriously & i'll stop paying so much attention to social stuff-- I don't really meet anyone at them anyway.
5. I will be happy with myself. When I'm not, I'll figure out why & correct it.
Hopefully, having put all of this out into public, I will be committed to doing it.
All that being said, I'm enjoying most of CalArts, especially now that I'm getting used to it. I think all this thinking has been steeping for a while & it's at the point where I need to just drink up if I'm ever going to do anything about it.
Thanks.
I've also been thinking about the things I do well and how, compared to many of the students here, I do relatively few things well. I wonder if it is because I've spent so much of my life reading, if I am lazy, incapable? I'd like to become well versed and good at something new-- a new instrument, socializing, programming, break dancing, something-- but seem to run up against a bunch of problems or forget when I have the time. I wonder if I just haven't found that niche to fill (the one I was built for)? Again, it could just be laziness.
At the same time I am obsessing about this, I wonder why I care. It would be a lot easier-- and I a lot happier-- if I wasn't concerned with this at all. I can be good at one thing and still live a productive, happy, and probably enjoyable life... I could probably be good at nothing and still do that. I'll probably be less happy simply because I am concerned. Somehow, to make the situation easier to swallow, I've justified it by convincing myself that I am just smart enough to know where I am weak, but not nearly as smart as I have been told. I believe I am finally realizing that I've been an incredibly good actor, hard worker, and convincing showman-- which tricked even me for a while.
Because of this, I want to outline some goals, whether I can control them or not:
1. People will no longer treat me as invisible, nor I them.
2. I will take up the next serious thing that strikes my fancy. I will treat this as an important activity & will require myself to practice it everyday.
3. I will keep making music, whether I or others believe I am good at it.
4. I will take my musical education very seriously & i'll stop paying so much attention to social stuff-- I don't really meet anyone at them anyway.
5. I will be happy with myself. When I'm not, I'll figure out why & correct it.
Hopefully, having put all of this out into public, I will be committed to doing it.
All that being said, I'm enjoying most of CalArts, especially now that I'm getting used to it. I think all this thinking has been steeping for a while & it's at the point where I need to just drink up if I'm ever going to do anything about it.
Thanks.