[LOG] Strike Past the Walls
WHO: Masumi Hayashi, Reki Kurusu, Shiori Hibiki
WHERE: Okina City, Icecream Parlor
WHEN: Friday, March 5th - evening after exams
WHAT: Masumi's walls continue to crumble around her. What starts as an effort by Reki and Shiori to help her ends rather badly.
WATCH FOR: Teenage angstsplosion, a look into various person's internal issues, and potential resolutions snatched away at the last moment.
/=============================( - Okina City - )=============================\ | | | Okina City is something of a misnomer. A shopping district erected around a | | highly successful train station otherwise situated in the middle of nowhere, | | it boasts easy and fast routes through many cities. The transit service is | | so good that some delinquent students can skip some classes, come here for a | | while, and get back before school ends. | | Surrounded by large multi-story strip malls as far as the eye can see, with | | benches and fountains along the way to offer places to relax, Okina City has | | a lot to offer whether you're an overseas immigrant going to Lunarvale, a | | carrier of the latest gossip from Sumaru, a Port Island tourist, or a simple | | country resident of Inaba. Okina City attracts all sorts of people from all | | walks of life. | | Many stories and paths begin, diverge, and end here. Like a fool's choice | | to reach out towards the world through its many challenges and detours, | | perhaps you will have a story of your own to tell from here... the odds of | | you never setting foot here in your life are very slim, indeed. | |===============================( - Players - )================================| |===============================( - Objects - )================================| |================================( - Exits - )=================================| | Mall : Okina City - Strip Mall |
| Fountain : Okina City - Fountains |
| Lunarvale
: Lunarvale |
| Sumaru
: Sumaru |
| Port Island
: Port Island |
| Inaba
: Inaba |
| Out : Japan |
\============================================================================/
It is late evening, after yet another round of grueling year-end exams. Okina City itself is seeing something of a mixture of traffic -- some students from the Four Cities really needing a place to unwind after this latest brutality, some just too tired to really make the trip out here. There will probably be an absolute explosion of activity tomorrow, once the exams have properly ended.
Masumi Hayashi is currently sitting in a corner table at a particular icecream parlor, furthest from the front door and with her back to a wall; she always feels a little more comfortable like that. And she really, really, really needs every bit of comfort she can get right now, head bowed, never really looking up, very slowly nursing a slightly-melty sundae. She normally takes great pains to avoid such massive concentrations of unhealthy sugar, but again, she's just...not in the greatest of moods.
However, even without being able to see her face, that long silver hair is extremely distinctive.
Reki Kurusu looks up.
Reki's own features are somewhat story, although he's doing his best to retain a stiff japanese upper lip as it were...
He does spy the ice cream shop, and although he typically eschews confections...he figures it'll be private and...
He steps into the establishment, his uniform still taut and immaculate, "...a glass of ice water please... I am willing to pay."
He pauses for a moment to peer around, before spying the familiar silver hair, and form of Masumi...
He makes his way over towards the 'girl,' pausing near the table, "Hayashi-sempai, are you... Alright? You seem troubled. Please forgive me if I am making interruption, it is not my intention to do so but..."
It is extremely rare for Masumi to be anything but perfectly poised -- no matter how poorly she is truly feeling, the silver-haired teen is very careful to hide those weaknesses behind the masks and the walls. Normally, she is all but flawless at this, able to manipulate her own emotions with almost terrifying skill in order to present the precise face which she wishes to the world. That face often changes fluidly based upon the 'vibes' she picks up on the people around her, adapting to the most beneificial arrangement possible.
Over the years, she has become very skilled.
But today...today someone stumbles across her in a rare moment of weakness. Masumi almost physically recoils at the sound of the too-familiar voice, tensing a little. A flush of shame and perhaps even a little bit of fear runs through her body at being found like this. It makes her feel intensely.../exposed/. Vulnerable. She hates those feelings, just like she hates the feelings of frustration and helplessness and weakness at being able to exorcise all of these emotions from herself and once more rebuild the walls.
Masumi doesn't really look up, and for a long moment doesn't even reply. Finally, she inhales tiredly and says in a very quiet voice, "No, I'm...not." Not alright. Not alright at all.
Reki Kurusu frowns, pulling a chair to sit down...
He looks up at the person across the table from him, "...is there a way I can help you?"
He frowns, "Is this about that insane doppleganger woman who claims she's you? We can make the point abundantly clear that she isn't you. You would never act like that, Hayashi-sempai."
He looks around, "Its not some other issue is it? Your family is alright? Do you need money? Difficulty in exams, I could assist with studying, or perform repairs. If its work, I could cover for you while you went to check on family or something..."
Masumi plays idly with her icecream, seeming more intent upon stirring the slightly-melty sundae around with her spoon than actually eating it. She very occassionally takes a bite, as if still torn between wanting the comfort brought on by the chocolate and sugar-high, and her normal discipline to avoid such unhealthy foods. One or the other impulse will eventually win out.
There is another long pause after Reki slides into a chair across the small corner table, then says his piece. Sitting down provides him a better angle from which to see the girl's bowed face, and her miserable expression is a very good match for her miserable body language, if conveying that sense a little more poignantly. Her eyes are red and slightly puffy, and there's a good deal of smeared makeup framing that troubled azure gaze, yet another evidence of previous tears. She quickly averts her face to the side.
"It's just..." Masumi begins finally, her voice quiet and exhausted, distinctly lacking in that normal eloquence. She breathes in, then exhales heavily. "A lot of different things." Even now, she remains naturally reluctant to reveal anything more than already has; to expose herself any further by divulging the details of this...this goddamn weakness. She may require further coaxing.
Reki Kurusu nods slowly, "I understand, Hayashi-sempai. I have no place to be for some time though, I will remain here with you. I...I know what it is like to feel alone at times when you are upset, and it is not appropriate to leave people alone..."
He thinks about the river in Inaba for a long, far too pleasant moment.. before shaking his head, "...I am ready and willing to assist you in any way so long as its legal of course..."
His lips turn up as he offers a sympathetic smile...its appropriate to smile in situatins like this after all, "...I am always willing to assist."
Masumi tends to be extremely sensitive to the thoughts and emotions of those around her, possessing that sort of deeply empatic intuition which allows her to read people with at times terrifying clarity -- and unquestionably, this gift is at once a blessing and a cursing. She can easily recall times in the past that people extended their sympathies to her, but she could *feel* the hollowness in the sentiment, leaving her also feeling hollow.
And this becomes so much more poignant now, with the normal walls lowered so far. The normal emotional, mental, and spiritual barriers so weak and thin. It is almost overwhelming, and has done much to compound her current state. Every single judgmental stare; every single derisive whisper. She can *feel* the negative emotions behind them with such intense clarity, and it is extremely painful. Every attempt to fix those walls back firmly into place have met with failure.
But maybe for just a little while, there's a respite. Maybe for just a little while, there's a sanctuary. Masumi looks up some and back towards Reki, tears flowing down her face at the incredible honesty she feels from the younger boy. Under the table, one delicate hand clenches in intense frustration, finding herself unable to hold back the tears. Damnit. Damnit, damnit, /damnit/. It's not supposed to /be/ like this. She's /better/ than this...and yet still the tears flow. And she finds that direct honesty and compassion mean so much right now.
"...thank you, Reki-san," she says very quietly.
Reki Kurusu shakes his head, "There is never a need for thanks, Hayashi-sempai."
He rummages for a moment, producing a handkerchief and offering it, "...here, you may need this."
He sits, looking back at the troubled person sitting in front of him, and then at the ice cream.
He feels helpless, not quite knowing how to assist.
He offers lamely, "...I can pay for your ice cream, its alright, I got paid recently..."
Masumi accepts the handkerchief with a small nob, briefly bringing it up to dab at wet eyes which continue to refuse any sort of cooperation in actually stopping to shed tears, and after a moment she just gives up and sets the wet piece of cloth onto the table in front of her -- all she's really accomplishing is smearing her makeup even further. Even now, maybe especially now, the silver-haired girl is painfully aware of just what would happen if she lost too much of the conservatively- and artfully-applied cosmetics which helped to accentuate her feminine qualities and obscure her unfortunate masculine ones.
Masumi picks up easily on Reki's awkwardness and lack of confidence, and honestly she can't help but to feel a little dissappointed. She doesn't really show it, rather obscured behind much more noticeable emotions, but she can't deny that it would have been...nice, if he'd been more sure of himself. She's not even entirely sure why, just that somehow it feels it would have helped a lot; in truth, this once again goes back to that natural, and currently almost-overwhelming sensitivity to the emotions of the people around her. It would have provided something of a mental-emotional anchor.
Even still, the thought remains deeply touching. Though her and Reki have been amiably acquainted for a little while now, they really are nothing more than acquaintainces. It's...it means a lot, because even if he doesn't know /how/ to help, he /does/ want to. It's obvious. But in the same moment, it also highlights her current state of frustrated weakness, and after a moment, she finds herself averting her gaze again. She feels like such a damn mess right now, increasingly losing that clarity of mind and soul she's so accustomed to. Increasing losing that understanding and awareness of her own emotions.
"I'm sorry," she says in a quiet, frustrated voice, once more clenching one delicate hand tightly beneath the table, whole body tensing just slightly. "This isn't your problem -- I shouldn't be...imposing on you like this."
Shiori was, in truth, just passing by, having travelled to Okina on the way to... where? Inaba, probably. One of her usual trips to find out whether her boyfriend was actually there, rather than being sent off by KNOWS to who-knew-what training and education. Weirdly, for all she missed her boyfriend, she didn't seem too thrilled with the prospect of actually going to Inaba. Maybe she was afraid that she'd not be able to meet him.
Maybe she was afraid that he would be there.
Her slow, meandering progress brought her into range of... oh, now here was a familiar resonance. Oppressive, heavy, and cold, the leaden clink of chains, the muffled sounds of a mouth that could not speak, could not scream. Having met people with all kinds of unpleasant resonances, it was actually kind of a relief that Shiori could tell how Reki's related to his personality, rather than being hidden deep inside, somewhere. All those smiling, friendly faces, while Shiori could feel the darkness inside...
Which was unfair, since they /were/ friendly, and it wasn't like they could choose their Personas. (Could they?)
Shiori found herself angling towards Reki's table, perhaps intending to procrastinate on going to Inaba, but her smile of greeting died on her lips when she saw... okay, this looked more than a little awkward. Shiori slowed down, painfully aware that now she was there, it would be rude to just leave again, but not quite knowing how to announce her presence to this scene.
"I-I'm sorry," she finally managed to squeak, trying not to stare. "I-I didn't mean to intrude. Um, Reki-san, Hayashi-san."
Reki Kurusu looks at the crying Masumi, trying to hide the seemingly empathic level of pain it gives him.
Dealing with crying people is not a skill that society really prepares one for...its a thing to be done between people and...Reki isn't really a friend of the person he is...
"Hayashi-sempai. There is no imposition."
He nods, firmly... Duty is something he's always comfortable with.
"You are a...a friend of mine, and friends look out for friends when they are upset or otherwise discomfitted. I will keep you company, I will pay for your ice cream, I will be here to listen attentively to your problems.. This is a fact. This is indisputable. I am here for this very reason."
Its then that Shiori arrives...the second party of the karaoke-incident..., "...ah H-hibiki-sempai...I...I was attempting to help Hayashi-sempai. Hayashi-sempai seems somewhat...upset regarding something and I am afraid I am not the best person when it comes to comforting..."
He looks back to Masumi, "...what can I do to help, Hayashi-sempai?"
Masumi's own Resonance speaks of exotic mystery and secrets, of the deep allure and mysticism of the enchantress -- though it's terribly muted at the moment, a sense of deep hurt and feelings of weakness and frustration laced much more heavily throughout her aura for the most sensitive. The pristine pool of intensely pure, crystalline clear waters, normally so serene and tranquil, are instead darkened and extremely troubled.
The silver-haired girl listens quietly as Reki speaks, her gaze still averted. There's something just below the surface of his words that's like a tiny needle at the back of her mind, as if something weren't quite right, but it's an extremely vague sense. She does not quite know what to make of it, and sets it aside for now as she focuses on his words. There's a distinct shift as he begins anew, seeming to gain a renewed sense of how to proceed, pressing right through the sense of discomfort created by societal standards and norms. The words themselves don't mean nearly so much as this conscious and intentional decision.
For her sake.
Slowly, Masumi's gaze drifts back to the boy, the very faintest twitches of a deeply appreciative smile appearing at the edge of delicate lips, even as her expression remains intensely troubled. She wants so badly to just.../trust/, but she's been burned so many times in the past. She needs to get a hold of herself. She /needs/ to collect herself, damnit. She's not...she's /not/ weak. There is an obvious struggle going on just below the surface.
But when Shiori draws close, Masumi's gaze suddenly snaps up and focuses directly on the other girl -- but there's a certain layer of intensity, like she weren't looking at the physical realm at all, but instead as if perhaps it was Shiori's Resonance which created this reaction. There is the faintest flash of fear in her eyes, though she has not reacted to the other girl's Resonance like this ever before; almost like she were just really noticing it for the first time. Or noticing it in a drastically new light for some reason. "H...hello, Hibki-san," she gets out, but only with obvious difficulty.
From the expression on Shiori's face, it was clear that she didn't think she was any good at comforting a crying Masumi either.
But Masumi seemed to need help, and Shiori would certainly try her best, even with her own less than stellar track record of success in helping.
She remained standing, fidgeting awkwardly for a moment before realizing what she was doing, and forcing her hands to her sides. "I, um, I hope I'm not intruding on something private," she mumbled. "I can, um, come back later... no, wait, there's not much point in coming back here, I mean... um."
She felt Masumi's resonance, mildly confused by the change from what she remembered. Then, it had been clear, serene, tranquil, the low murmur of wisdom and mystery through a tinkling veil of crystal... but Shiori could sense the hurt and pain from /something/. Something had affected Masumi deep inside, to his core.
Almost like a different person. Shiori blinked, and took a half-step back as Masumi's alarmed gaze fell on her. Did Shiori do something wrong? Well, she was barging in on what seemed like a private session, which was at least a little rude. But why did Masumi look like he didn't like what he was seeing? Not so much what Shiori did, but who Shiori was...
"If there's anything I can do to help..." she said uncertainly. Shiori had never seen Masumi like this before, although that wasn't saying much. She looked desperately at Reki, silently pleading for guidance.
Reki Kurusu looks back at Masumi, noting the smile...
He turns to look at Shiori, his voice direct, "...Hibiki-sempai, please."
He produces some bills, "Purchase something sweet and extravagent for yourself and Hayashi-sempai, it may assist. Please pick up my ice water as well. We should do what we can to help Hayasi-semapi in this time of need."
His tone is direct, confident, the usual shuffling downcast eyed kohai seemingly for a moment more direct, empowered by the sense of duty and responsibility...like a king marching amidst the ice cream shops of the world...
He looks backs to Masumi, "I understand if you wish to keep things private, Hayashi-sempai, I understand that completely. However, I do again wish to restate, I am here, Miss Shiori is here."
He nods, "We are willing to bear that weight for you."
Heavy links of chain...whats one more?
"...that is the giri of friendship, to assist a friend in need, to be there, to uphold and strengthen."
Masumi, strangely enough, is in fact already nursing a somewhat-melty sundae. She occassionally even takes a half-hearted bite or two.
Shiori's Resonance unfortunately represents the concentrated presence of virtually everything with which Masumi is currently struggling with. The outsider always looking in, seeking approval and acceptance -- or in her case, at the very least the peace to operate in her daily life without the constant weight of judgment. But even more, the murmurs and whispers of the great and terrible faceless crowd. Watching. /Spectating/. Incredibly sensitive to the 'feel' of other peoples' Resonance, Masumi finds it incredibly difficult to deal with right now.
The reasons why may become more readily apparent to Shiori presently.
Masumi has always been extremely slow to trust, and it has only been recently that she's truly begun to open herself up to people outside of her elder sister. So many times she's been burned in the past, seemingly only ever paid back in pain for the trouble of lowering the walls and allowing other people to see her weakness. But right now, the walls are crumbling. Perhaps they have already crumbled. After having borne up with seemingly unshakeable poise even as the social pressure had continued to grow and build to a boiling point, eventually...eventually there always comes a breaking point.
"Do you know what it's like?" Masumi finally asks, after a good deal of coaxing from Reki, and even some from Shiori, who she really only knows in passing. There is a distinct emotional exhaustion in the girl's tone as she poses this open question, turning so that she's not quite facing either Reki or Shiori, coupled with a sense that the only reason she's sharing this is because she's too damn tired to hold it in any longer. It is a struggle not to break down crying, which once again only fuels that intense frustration. Trapped. She feels like she's trapped in a continual, self-perpetuating downward spiral.
"Every day..." She rocks faintly in an obvious sign of deep agitation. Her voice thick with emotion. "Every day...going to school. And having every single goddamn person looking at you like...like you're /wrong/. If I'm not just the damn crossdresser, than I'm the slut." One delicate fist tightens in intense frustration. "You know, I thought...I actually thought I was okay being on the outside. Maybe I was. Until that...that goddamn whore showed up."
The words are incredibly honest, and she doesn't even know why she's saying them. It only makes her feel more exposed. More vulnerable.
Shiori's lips thinned as she listened to Reki completely misunderstand the entire point of friendship /again/, but she nodded firmly, already reaching for her wallet, wandering over to the ice cream parlour counter...
... and quickly returning with a single huge sundae with more than enough toppings to fit the "extravagent" descriptor. Apparently she had simply ordered the largest and most sinfully delightful item on the menu.
She placed the sundae in front of Masumi. (Nothing for herself?) "My treat," she began to murmur, before clamping her mouth shut as Masumi began to speak.
Well, Shiori had been curious about why Masumi seemed perfectly willing to crossdress, but figured that it was none of her business. But why would Masumi crossdress and yet be irritated by the claims that he did so?
She leaned in closer unconsciously, a curious expression on her face. Eager to know more, but carefully holding back for the sake of politeness, not wishing to intrude too far into someone else's obvious grief. And Masumi might be able to feel the faceless crowds of the psyche closing in, watching and listening and whispering to themselves...
She blinked. "Who showed up?" she asked. "I mean, um. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to blurt it out like that, but..." Apparently realizing how intently she had been listening, Shiori straightened up again, embarrassed. "I'm sorry if I'm prying. I... I can imagine what it's like, but in truth, I don't know if it's anything close to what you must be going through, Hayashi-san. I'm sorry." And yet, something of Masumi's words struck her. Being the outsider...
Reki Kurusu nods, "I can understand it, Hayashi-sempai...but differently from you."
Its not the world he feels excluded by, its..well, thats not important.
"...the other Masumi, she is a woman of somewhat loose morals. Upon meeting me she immediately identified me somehow, and then embraced me, made inference that I was 'cute' and wished to do this and that with me, and then smothered me with her breasts. She is /nothing/ like Hayashi-sempai."
He nods, "Nothing like."
He looks back to Masumi.., "...I am unsure of why another person with your name, who looks like you, would suddenly appear, Hayashi-sempai...but this is a strange world we live in. But the more important issue is..."
He nods, "Regardless of your foibles, intents, opinions or such, you remain Masumi Hayashi. You are who you are. You are a friend to me and Shirou Sekigawa. You are a person, you comprise yourself, and while society is important, it is important to recognize that you should not feel less of a person. You are Masumi Hayashi."
He nods at that, and repeats it, "Masumi Hayashi is who /you/ are. No one else. The Masumi Hayashi to whom I speak now I know to be a good person from my experiences, a person who while they occasionally do things I do not understand or comprehend, is still none the less a person who must be approached, and respected."
He nods, "They have failed you, Masumi Hayashi. They have failed in ceasing to respect /you/, regardless of what they may feel of your choices."
Perhaps Masumi does not do what she does for the sake of crossdressing itself -- if that were the case, then it would actually be much easier to deal with the backlash -- but rather because she feels that it reflects her proper gender identity. Certainly, Shiori may notice after a time that in addition to speaking in very distinctly feminine tones -- something which obviously took a very great deal of time and effort and practice to perfect -- she also uses the feminine forms while speaking, both to refer to herself, but also in general choice of language. This may explain a good deal.
And of course, she knew very well that she would receive some intensely negative reactions for going to school under the feminine guise, where people knew her -- as opposed to going outside of Inaba, where most people did not -- but she had become so incredibly miserable continuing to masquerade as male when everything inside screamed that she was not. That it was a lie; that it was some great and twisted mistake of nature's process.
And ultimately, had that been the only issue at hand, she probably would have been able to deal with it reasonably well. After all, it was at least from a social perspective, rather the logical conclusion to the feminine appearance she had always maintained, even under the male guise. That had always put her on the outside, but she had learned to roll with the blows sent her way. But with the activities of 'Masumi-chan' also tainting her reputation at what is ultimately a terribly small school, everything else only adds to an overwhelming weight and pressure.
Following her confession, Masumi sets upon the ridiculously extravagent sundae set before her, giving a slight murmur of thanks to both Reki and Shiori. She immediately feels a pang of guilt, but quickly decides that for once she doesn't care. The pleasant physical feelings induced by both the chocolate involved and the sugar high in general is suddenly very appealing, and honestly she doesn't really have the mental stamina to politely decline at the moment after Reki purchased it with his own funds on her behalf. Sugar is something she normally avoids like the plague, and even though she did originally come here for this (obviously), she had only been half-heartedly poking at the much, much smaller sundae she had purchased for herself.
There is a faint quiver as that sense of the faceless crowd closes in, and for several moments she actually stops dead in obvious distress, shuddering slightly as she inhales heavily. It is extremely difficult to cope with, creating a distinct feeling of mental-emotional claustrophobia. She comes terribly close to shrieking at Shiori to just /go away/, but reigns the impulse in at the last moment, then feels miserable for feeling it at all.
A very good deal of the extravagent sundae is already gone by the time that Reki finishes. It actually seems to be helping, if only a little bit, most of the way through the impromptu speech -- and even if his words are extremely, almost over-the-top formal, and definitely stilted, it's the thought behind the words that really means something to Masumi. He's trying...maybe /both/ of them are trying to help her, despite really not knowing her very well. That feeling...it's overwhelming, and fresh tears of strong emotion spill from her eyes throughout most of it.
Until suddenly something snaps into focus. The moment that Reki says 'they have failed in ceasing to respect /you/,' suddenly the vague needling feeling from before becomes painfully clear, as, in an instant, her mind plays back over every conversation she's had with Reki. Particularly this one. And she realizes that something has always been /missing/. At first she thought it was merely her manner of speech, but in this moment, her agile mind compares it to the way he's talked to other people. And there's that very slight difference.
The tears immediately vanish from her eyes to be replaced by a sudden intensity, but a very a pained one. "...you don't respect me, either, Reki-san," she says with perfect clarity, looking up to make eye contact. "Do you?"
(Editor's Note: Reki is aware that Masumi was born a male, and has always taken great pains to only ever use gender-neutral language, pointedly refusing to acknowledge her as female. This is the cause for the sudden shift above, as Masumi suddenly realizes this).
Being the outsider, being known for something she didn't do. Shiori Hibiki, the blabbermouth, the untrustworthy one, the one who had quit SEES, the one the KDA only picked up so Kandori wouldn't, the one blamed for almost every misfortune she had been tangentially related to. The troublemaker, the nuisance.
The one who never belonged.
It had been so long... no, only a year. It felt like forever, though, and Shiori could not seem to recall a time when she hadn't felt like someone who was tolerated only on sufferance. It was terrifying, what one could get used to.
But Shiori knew that Masumi definitely had it worse; after all, Shiori never had a doppelganger running around free. (No, the Shadow had only been herself, in a timeline that never was.) Shiori was certainly familiar with the whole deal about rumour Shadows, especially since she had inadvertantly contributed to the creation of Daigan.
Shiori had receded, almost cringed, as it became clear that whatever she was doing, she was causing distress to Masumi. Thankfully, the sense of the gathering crowd faded as well.
Should she talk about kotodama? It would be even more of a burden of knowledge, especially to the already-dutybound Reki. There wasn't much anyone here could do about it; fighting it wouldn't guarantee anything other than violence, and Shiori was reluctant to suggest as much after what Daigan had done.
And counter-rumours had a way of spiralling out of control.
"I don't exactly know what's going on," Shiori confessed, glancing back and forth between Masumi and Reki, "but I think..." She sighed, and rubbed her temples, trying to find the right words. "There's the respect due to the, the person you seem to be, the person that other people think you are, Hayashi-san. And there's the respect due to the person you actually /are/. I... don't know whether the Masumi Hayashi-san I know is the real one, I'm afraid. I'm sorry."
She tried to smile reassuringly, but succeeded only with a nervous tic. "I'd be willing to learn, though. And Reki-san..." A wild stab in the dark. "I think Reki-san does respect you. In his own way. He's..." Shiori turned to Reki. "Reki-san, you see Hayashi-san as a /friend/. That's different from the way you treat others." From the way he treated Shiori, and Kaede, and anyone else who tried to befriend him. "It's complicated and difficult to understand at first, but I think it'll work out."
Reki Kurusu looks at Shiori and then back at that intense gaze from Masumi.
"I respect you, Hayashi-sempai. Respecting you and believing your choices and opinions are correct are not..."
He frowns, "Please forgive my bluntness."
He nods, "...I respect you Hayashi-semapi, you appear kind, always concerned with others, friendly, accepting... I disagree with what you have chosen to do, but this does not change who you are. Yes, I consider you a friend."
He feels the momentary high of helping someone fading, he feels his apparent failure crashing down on him, the weights of responsibility, duty, and all becoming horrifically heavy once again, wrapping about him, constricting, squeezing his lung and heart, forcing his ability to speak away.
"..."
There is an obvious difference in Masumi's body language -- which right now is so painfully transparent, in stark contrast to her normal poise and control which makes it so difficult to truly read her, save for when she wishes people to -- when the sense of the gathering crowd fades. The silver-haired girl does not have the benefit to filtering others' Resonances through one of the traditional five senses, but instead *feels* them on an extremely visceral, emotional-spiritual level. And so with such extreme clarity, as well.
It is for this reason that Masumi often struggles in the presence of negative Resonances, and it is in fact only through repeated exposure that she has been able to even be around Reki at all without appearing visibly strained, features pale and drawn. Even now, perhaps it is only the weight of everything else that keeps attention away from the normal reaction. Or perhaps it is the way that he is breaking out of the chains just ever-so-slightly, in order to help someone that he considers a friend.
Masumi nods just a little to Shiori as she speaks again. On an intellectual level, she is more than capable of understanding that her reaction to the other girl's Resonance was irrational, but on a more visceral level...she's simply extremely glad that it has so extremely lessened itself. Unfortunately, her words do not seem to make much headway with the silver-haired girl right now, her focus fixed intensely on Reki. But they have been spoken, and they have been heard. They will remain in Masumi's mind, and in the future, they may help.
There is a continued visible shift in Masumi's body language, expression, and deep azure eyes as Reki speaks once more. They all convey the sense of someone feeling suddenly and intensely betrayed after having actually trusted, after having actually opened themselves up, and what remains of her walls immediately slam into place again. There is a coldness borne of deep pain in her eyes. "No," she says with a shake of her head. "This /is/ who I am." There's an incredible bitterness in her voice as she continues, lashing out. "Though I guess it's my fault for expecting someone like you to actually be able to grasp that."
Masumi rises sharply, leaving the unfinished icecream behind and already turning to head for the door. She was so damn /stupid/. She *knew* better.
"Hayashi-san, I-!" Shiori started out of her seat, before casting a despairing look back at Reki. Was Masumi's hurtful words aimed at Shiori or Reki? Shiori wasn't sure which one would make her feel worse.
Masumi was clearly in pain, and he had lashed out, likely causing Reki pain... and Shiori had butted in without knowing what was going on. She had made things worse.
And now Masumi was leaving, and Reki was... probably not going to take this well.
For a moment, Shiori was struck with a sense of intense deja vu. So many times she had been torn between someone who stormed off in a huff, and someone who remained behind, disappointed. And every time, Shiori had chosen one over the other, and wondered with regret if she should have chosen differently.
A flip of the coin of chance...
Shiori darted towards Masumi, mentally apologizing to Reki rapid-fire. "Hayashi-san, please, wait..." Just a few steps, though. If Masumi kept walking, ignoring Shiori, she would stop before they got too far.
Reki Kurusu watches Masumi's response...
He blinks, "I...I'm s-..."
Someone like you.
He watches as Masumi goes, and then as Shiori follows...
The correct solution, as far as Reki's concerned.
He feels the suffocating weight, the heaviness...
He slowly rises, looking after the pair...
"...help him, Hibiki-sempai," he murmurs, before stepping to the clerk.
"...I've delivered some dry ice here on occasion, may I use the rear exit?"
He nods, his thanks and disappears through the back...
Its best he's not around if his presence offends Masumi, it probably offends Shiori as well..
He shouldn't have tried to come in to get a drink. He has high school to prepare for.
Yes, high school. To get into college. To get a good position to...
He briefly thinks on that cold, rushing water, or the simply joys of rope...
The end of the journey would be such a relief.
He looks back at the pair as he heads into the kitchen, "...have a good evening Hayashi-sempai, Hibiki-sempai..."
Masumi just keeps going. Once again, she can recognize on an intellectual level that she probably just hurt Reki, but on a much more powerful level, she just doesn't /care/. How could he possibly presume to have her friendship, if he refused to accept such a fundamental part of her? He /couldn't/.
But it was her own fault, wasn't it. She knew better than that. She /knew better/ than to actually assume that people could understand her -- their mind's just weren't /capable/ of understanding someone like her. Maybe it wasn't even their fault. Maybe they were just hard-wired like that, their small minds unable to cope with the abstract thought processes she entertained every day. Bound by the chains of societal standards, literally incapable of breaking them.
Angry, bitter, /pained/ tears run down her features even as she sweeps out of the icecream parlor with a forced imperiousness, /daring/ anyone to further belittle or attack her. She just.../still/ couldn't believe how stupid she had been, and mentally berates herself for her weakness and idiocy all the way out the door, and for quite a while afterwards. A tight knot of overwhelming stress and raw emotion rests at the pit of her stomach, all but physicall painful.
Masumi pauses briefly for just a moment at Shiori's pleas, turning around just long enough that the other girl can so clearly see all the incredible pain and perceived betrayal in Masumi's eyes -- before immediately changing her mind and pivoting back around to sweep out of the store.
"Listen, Hayashi-san, I..." Shiori trailed off, face burning, as she felt the stares from the other patrons in the parlour. Of course, societal chains being what they were, nobody actually said anything, and everyone was being very careful to pretend not to notice.
Shiori stood there, silent, wondering where she had done something wrong. She had offended Masumi, or inadvertantly enabled Reki to offend Masumi, due to her big mouth... or maybe she didn't say enough, and now there was a misunderstanding between friends, which would have been solved if Shiori hadn't been so cautious and afraid to do /something/.
Was her sin in doing too much, or doing too little?
Shiori knew Reki needed friends, or rather friends which he /accepted/ as friends, rather than as people to feel obligated to. From what Masumi had been like, he probably also needed friends to talk to, to cry on.
And now they were... no longer friends.
She turned back towards the table she had vacated. "Reki-san, I'm sorry-" She froze, as Reki's absence became clear. He had left, and Shiori hadn't heard him saying goodbye. Had she been too focused on catching Masumi? Trying to win over both, and succeeding at nothing.
So much for trying to salvage the situation.
Shiori trudged back to the table, and sat down, staring at the unfinished sundae she had bought for Masumi. Presently, she laid her head down, pillowed in her arms, and sighed.
WHERE: Okina City, Icecream Parlor
WHEN: Friday, March 5th - evening after exams
WHAT: Masumi's walls continue to crumble around her. What starts as an effort by Reki and Shiori to help her ends rather badly.
WATCH FOR: Teenage angstsplosion, a look into various person's internal issues, and potential resolutions snatched away at the last moment.
/=============================( - Okina City - )=============================\ | | | Okina City is something of a misnomer. A shopping district erected around a | | highly successful train station otherwise situated in the middle of nowhere, | | it boasts easy and fast routes through many cities. The transit service is | | so good that some delinquent students can skip some classes, come here for a | | while, and get back before school ends. | | Surrounded by large multi-story strip malls as far as the eye can see, with | | benches and fountains along the way to offer places to relax, Okina City has | | a lot to offer whether you're an overseas immigrant going to Lunarvale, a | | carrier of the latest gossip from Sumaru, a Port Island tourist, or a simple | | country resident of Inaba. Okina City attracts all sorts of people from all | | walks of life. | | Many stories and paths begin, diverge, and end here. Like a fool's choice | | to reach out towards the world through its many challenges and detours, | | perhaps you will have a story of your own to tell from here... the odds of | | you never setting foot here in your life are very slim, indeed. | |===============================( - Players - )================================| |===============================( - Objects - )================================| |================================( - Exits - )=================================| | Mall : Okina City - Strip Mall |
| Fountain : Okina City - Fountains |
| Lunarvale
: Lunarvale |
| Sumaru
: Sumaru |
| Port Island
: Port Island |
| Inaba
: Inaba |
| Out : Japan |
\============================================================================/
It is late evening, after yet another round of grueling year-end exams. Okina City itself is seeing something of a mixture of traffic -- some students from the Four Cities really needing a place to unwind after this latest brutality, some just too tired to really make the trip out here. There will probably be an absolute explosion of activity tomorrow, once the exams have properly ended.
Masumi Hayashi is currently sitting in a corner table at a particular icecream parlor, furthest from the front door and with her back to a wall; she always feels a little more comfortable like that. And she really, really, really needs every bit of comfort she can get right now, head bowed, never really looking up, very slowly nursing a slightly-melty sundae. She normally takes great pains to avoid such massive concentrations of unhealthy sugar, but again, she's just...not in the greatest of moods.
However, even without being able to see her face, that long silver hair is extremely distinctive.
Reki Kurusu looks up.
Reki's own features are somewhat story, although he's doing his best to retain a stiff japanese upper lip as it were...
He does spy the ice cream shop, and although he typically eschews confections...he figures it'll be private and...
He steps into the establishment, his uniform still taut and immaculate, "...a glass of ice water please... I am willing to pay."
He pauses for a moment to peer around, before spying the familiar silver hair, and form of Masumi...
He makes his way over towards the 'girl,' pausing near the table, "Hayashi-sempai, are you... Alright? You seem troubled. Please forgive me if I am making interruption, it is not my intention to do so but..."
It is extremely rare for Masumi to be anything but perfectly poised -- no matter how poorly she is truly feeling, the silver-haired teen is very careful to hide those weaknesses behind the masks and the walls. Normally, she is all but flawless at this, able to manipulate her own emotions with almost terrifying skill in order to present the precise face which she wishes to the world. That face often changes fluidly based upon the 'vibes' she picks up on the people around her, adapting to the most beneificial arrangement possible.
Over the years, she has become very skilled.
But today...today someone stumbles across her in a rare moment of weakness. Masumi almost physically recoils at the sound of the too-familiar voice, tensing a little. A flush of shame and perhaps even a little bit of fear runs through her body at being found like this. It makes her feel intensely.../exposed/. Vulnerable. She hates those feelings, just like she hates the feelings of frustration and helplessness and weakness at being able to exorcise all of these emotions from herself and once more rebuild the walls.
Masumi doesn't really look up, and for a long moment doesn't even reply. Finally, she inhales tiredly and says in a very quiet voice, "No, I'm...not." Not alright. Not alright at all.
Reki Kurusu frowns, pulling a chair to sit down...
He looks up at the person across the table from him, "...is there a way I can help you?"
He frowns, "Is this about that insane doppleganger woman who claims she's you? We can make the point abundantly clear that she isn't you. You would never act like that, Hayashi-sempai."
He looks around, "Its not some other issue is it? Your family is alright? Do you need money? Difficulty in exams, I could assist with studying, or perform repairs. If its work, I could cover for you while you went to check on family or something..."
Masumi plays idly with her icecream, seeming more intent upon stirring the slightly-melty sundae around with her spoon than actually eating it. She very occassionally takes a bite, as if still torn between wanting the comfort brought on by the chocolate and sugar-high, and her normal discipline to avoid such unhealthy foods. One or the other impulse will eventually win out.
There is another long pause after Reki slides into a chair across the small corner table, then says his piece. Sitting down provides him a better angle from which to see the girl's bowed face, and her miserable expression is a very good match for her miserable body language, if conveying that sense a little more poignantly. Her eyes are red and slightly puffy, and there's a good deal of smeared makeup framing that troubled azure gaze, yet another evidence of previous tears. She quickly averts her face to the side.
"It's just..." Masumi begins finally, her voice quiet and exhausted, distinctly lacking in that normal eloquence. She breathes in, then exhales heavily. "A lot of different things." Even now, she remains naturally reluctant to reveal anything more than already has; to expose herself any further by divulging the details of this...this goddamn weakness. She may require further coaxing.
Reki Kurusu nods slowly, "I understand, Hayashi-sempai. I have no place to be for some time though, I will remain here with you. I...I know what it is like to feel alone at times when you are upset, and it is not appropriate to leave people alone..."
He thinks about the river in Inaba for a long, far too pleasant moment.. before shaking his head, "...I am ready and willing to assist you in any way so long as its legal of course..."
His lips turn up as he offers a sympathetic smile...its appropriate to smile in situatins like this after all, "...I am always willing to assist."
Masumi tends to be extremely sensitive to the thoughts and emotions of those around her, possessing that sort of deeply empatic intuition which allows her to read people with at times terrifying clarity -- and unquestionably, this gift is at once a blessing and a cursing. She can easily recall times in the past that people extended their sympathies to her, but she could *feel* the hollowness in the sentiment, leaving her also feeling hollow.
And this becomes so much more poignant now, with the normal walls lowered so far. The normal emotional, mental, and spiritual barriers so weak and thin. It is almost overwhelming, and has done much to compound her current state. Every single judgmental stare; every single derisive whisper. She can *feel* the negative emotions behind them with such intense clarity, and it is extremely painful. Every attempt to fix those walls back firmly into place have met with failure.
But maybe for just a little while, there's a respite. Maybe for just a little while, there's a sanctuary. Masumi looks up some and back towards Reki, tears flowing down her face at the incredible honesty she feels from the younger boy. Under the table, one delicate hand clenches in intense frustration, finding herself unable to hold back the tears. Damnit. Damnit, damnit, /damnit/. It's not supposed to /be/ like this. She's /better/ than this...and yet still the tears flow. And she finds that direct honesty and compassion mean so much right now.
"...thank you, Reki-san," she says very quietly.
Reki Kurusu shakes his head, "There is never a need for thanks, Hayashi-sempai."
He rummages for a moment, producing a handkerchief and offering it, "...here, you may need this."
He sits, looking back at the troubled person sitting in front of him, and then at the ice cream.
He feels helpless, not quite knowing how to assist.
He offers lamely, "...I can pay for your ice cream, its alright, I got paid recently..."
Masumi accepts the handkerchief with a small nob, briefly bringing it up to dab at wet eyes which continue to refuse any sort of cooperation in actually stopping to shed tears, and after a moment she just gives up and sets the wet piece of cloth onto the table in front of her -- all she's really accomplishing is smearing her makeup even further. Even now, maybe especially now, the silver-haired girl is painfully aware of just what would happen if she lost too much of the conservatively- and artfully-applied cosmetics which helped to accentuate her feminine qualities and obscure her unfortunate masculine ones.
Masumi picks up easily on Reki's awkwardness and lack of confidence, and honestly she can't help but to feel a little dissappointed. She doesn't really show it, rather obscured behind much more noticeable emotions, but she can't deny that it would have been...nice, if he'd been more sure of himself. She's not even entirely sure why, just that somehow it feels it would have helped a lot; in truth, this once again goes back to that natural, and currently almost-overwhelming sensitivity to the emotions of the people around her. It would have provided something of a mental-emotional anchor.
Even still, the thought remains deeply touching. Though her and Reki have been amiably acquainted for a little while now, they really are nothing more than acquaintainces. It's...it means a lot, because even if he doesn't know /how/ to help, he /does/ want to. It's obvious. But in the same moment, it also highlights her current state of frustrated weakness, and after a moment, she finds herself averting her gaze again. She feels like such a damn mess right now, increasingly losing that clarity of mind and soul she's so accustomed to. Increasing losing that understanding and awareness of her own emotions.
"I'm sorry," she says in a quiet, frustrated voice, once more clenching one delicate hand tightly beneath the table, whole body tensing just slightly. "This isn't your problem -- I shouldn't be...imposing on you like this."
Shiori was, in truth, just passing by, having travelled to Okina on the way to... where? Inaba, probably. One of her usual trips to find out whether her boyfriend was actually there, rather than being sent off by KNOWS to who-knew-what training and education. Weirdly, for all she missed her boyfriend, she didn't seem too thrilled with the prospect of actually going to Inaba. Maybe she was afraid that she'd not be able to meet him.
Maybe she was afraid that he would be there.
Her slow, meandering progress brought her into range of... oh, now here was a familiar resonance. Oppressive, heavy, and cold, the leaden clink of chains, the muffled sounds of a mouth that could not speak, could not scream. Having met people with all kinds of unpleasant resonances, it was actually kind of a relief that Shiori could tell how Reki's related to his personality, rather than being hidden deep inside, somewhere. All those smiling, friendly faces, while Shiori could feel the darkness inside...
Which was unfair, since they /were/ friendly, and it wasn't like they could choose their Personas. (Could they?)
Shiori found herself angling towards Reki's table, perhaps intending to procrastinate on going to Inaba, but her smile of greeting died on her lips when she saw... okay, this looked more than a little awkward. Shiori slowed down, painfully aware that now she was there, it would be rude to just leave again, but not quite knowing how to announce her presence to this scene.
"I-I'm sorry," she finally managed to squeak, trying not to stare. "I-I didn't mean to intrude. Um, Reki-san, Hayashi-san."
Reki Kurusu looks at the crying Masumi, trying to hide the seemingly empathic level of pain it gives him.
Dealing with crying people is not a skill that society really prepares one for...its a thing to be done between people and...Reki isn't really a friend of the person he is...
"Hayashi-sempai. There is no imposition."
He nods, firmly... Duty is something he's always comfortable with.
"You are a...a friend of mine, and friends look out for friends when they are upset or otherwise discomfitted. I will keep you company, I will pay for your ice cream, I will be here to listen attentively to your problems.. This is a fact. This is indisputable. I am here for this very reason."
Its then that Shiori arrives...the second party of the karaoke-incident..., "...ah H-hibiki-sempai...I...I was attempting to help Hayashi-sempai. Hayashi-sempai seems somewhat...upset regarding something and I am afraid I am not the best person when it comes to comforting..."
He looks back to Masumi, "...what can I do to help, Hayashi-sempai?"
Masumi's own Resonance speaks of exotic mystery and secrets, of the deep allure and mysticism of the enchantress -- though it's terribly muted at the moment, a sense of deep hurt and feelings of weakness and frustration laced much more heavily throughout her aura for the most sensitive. The pristine pool of intensely pure, crystalline clear waters, normally so serene and tranquil, are instead darkened and extremely troubled.
The silver-haired girl listens quietly as Reki speaks, her gaze still averted. There's something just below the surface of his words that's like a tiny needle at the back of her mind, as if something weren't quite right, but it's an extremely vague sense. She does not quite know what to make of it, and sets it aside for now as she focuses on his words. There's a distinct shift as he begins anew, seeming to gain a renewed sense of how to proceed, pressing right through the sense of discomfort created by societal standards and norms. The words themselves don't mean nearly so much as this conscious and intentional decision.
For her sake.
Slowly, Masumi's gaze drifts back to the boy, the very faintest twitches of a deeply appreciative smile appearing at the edge of delicate lips, even as her expression remains intensely troubled. She wants so badly to just.../trust/, but she's been burned so many times in the past. She needs to get a hold of herself. She /needs/ to collect herself, damnit. She's not...she's /not/ weak. There is an obvious struggle going on just below the surface.
But when Shiori draws close, Masumi's gaze suddenly snaps up and focuses directly on the other girl -- but there's a certain layer of intensity, like she weren't looking at the physical realm at all, but instead as if perhaps it was Shiori's Resonance which created this reaction. There is the faintest flash of fear in her eyes, though she has not reacted to the other girl's Resonance like this ever before; almost like she were just really noticing it for the first time. Or noticing it in a drastically new light for some reason. "H...hello, Hibki-san," she gets out, but only with obvious difficulty.
From the expression on Shiori's face, it was clear that she didn't think she was any good at comforting a crying Masumi either.
But Masumi seemed to need help, and Shiori would certainly try her best, even with her own less than stellar track record of success in helping.
She remained standing, fidgeting awkwardly for a moment before realizing what she was doing, and forcing her hands to her sides. "I, um, I hope I'm not intruding on something private," she mumbled. "I can, um, come back later... no, wait, there's not much point in coming back here, I mean... um."
She felt Masumi's resonance, mildly confused by the change from what she remembered. Then, it had been clear, serene, tranquil, the low murmur of wisdom and mystery through a tinkling veil of crystal... but Shiori could sense the hurt and pain from /something/. Something had affected Masumi deep inside, to his core.
Almost like a different person. Shiori blinked, and took a half-step back as Masumi's alarmed gaze fell on her. Did Shiori do something wrong? Well, she was barging in on what seemed like a private session, which was at least a little rude. But why did Masumi look like he didn't like what he was seeing? Not so much what Shiori did, but who Shiori was...
"If there's anything I can do to help..." she said uncertainly. Shiori had never seen Masumi like this before, although that wasn't saying much. She looked desperately at Reki, silently pleading for guidance.
Reki Kurusu looks back at Masumi, noting the smile...
He turns to look at Shiori, his voice direct, "...Hibiki-sempai, please."
He produces some bills, "Purchase something sweet and extravagent for yourself and Hayashi-sempai, it may assist. Please pick up my ice water as well. We should do what we can to help Hayasi-semapi in this time of need."
His tone is direct, confident, the usual shuffling downcast eyed kohai seemingly for a moment more direct, empowered by the sense of duty and responsibility...like a king marching amidst the ice cream shops of the world...
He looks backs to Masumi, "I understand if you wish to keep things private, Hayashi-sempai, I understand that completely. However, I do again wish to restate, I am here, Miss Shiori is here."
He nods, "We are willing to bear that weight for you."
Heavy links of chain...whats one more?
"...that is the giri of friendship, to assist a friend in need, to be there, to uphold and strengthen."
Masumi, strangely enough, is in fact already nursing a somewhat-melty sundae. She occassionally even takes a half-hearted bite or two.
Shiori's Resonance unfortunately represents the concentrated presence of virtually everything with which Masumi is currently struggling with. The outsider always looking in, seeking approval and acceptance -- or in her case, at the very least the peace to operate in her daily life without the constant weight of judgment. But even more, the murmurs and whispers of the great and terrible faceless crowd. Watching. /Spectating/. Incredibly sensitive to the 'feel' of other peoples' Resonance, Masumi finds it incredibly difficult to deal with right now.
The reasons why may become more readily apparent to Shiori presently.
Masumi has always been extremely slow to trust, and it has only been recently that she's truly begun to open herself up to people outside of her elder sister. So many times she's been burned in the past, seemingly only ever paid back in pain for the trouble of lowering the walls and allowing other people to see her weakness. But right now, the walls are crumbling. Perhaps they have already crumbled. After having borne up with seemingly unshakeable poise even as the social pressure had continued to grow and build to a boiling point, eventually...eventually there always comes a breaking point.
"Do you know what it's like?" Masumi finally asks, after a good deal of coaxing from Reki, and even some from Shiori, who she really only knows in passing. There is a distinct emotional exhaustion in the girl's tone as she poses this open question, turning so that she's not quite facing either Reki or Shiori, coupled with a sense that the only reason she's sharing this is because she's too damn tired to hold it in any longer. It is a struggle not to break down crying, which once again only fuels that intense frustration. Trapped. She feels like she's trapped in a continual, self-perpetuating downward spiral.
"Every day..." She rocks faintly in an obvious sign of deep agitation. Her voice thick with emotion. "Every day...going to school. And having every single goddamn person looking at you like...like you're /wrong/. If I'm not just the damn crossdresser, than I'm the slut." One delicate fist tightens in intense frustration. "You know, I thought...I actually thought I was okay being on the outside. Maybe I was. Until that...that goddamn whore showed up."
The words are incredibly honest, and she doesn't even know why she's saying them. It only makes her feel more exposed. More vulnerable.
Shiori's lips thinned as she listened to Reki completely misunderstand the entire point of friendship /again/, but she nodded firmly, already reaching for her wallet, wandering over to the ice cream parlour counter...
... and quickly returning with a single huge sundae with more than enough toppings to fit the "extravagent" descriptor. Apparently she had simply ordered the largest and most sinfully delightful item on the menu.
She placed the sundae in front of Masumi. (Nothing for herself?) "My treat," she began to murmur, before clamping her mouth shut as Masumi began to speak.
Well, Shiori had been curious about why Masumi seemed perfectly willing to crossdress, but figured that it was none of her business. But why would Masumi crossdress and yet be irritated by the claims that he did so?
She leaned in closer unconsciously, a curious expression on her face. Eager to know more, but carefully holding back for the sake of politeness, not wishing to intrude too far into someone else's obvious grief. And Masumi might be able to feel the faceless crowds of the psyche closing in, watching and listening and whispering to themselves...
She blinked. "Who showed up?" she asked. "I mean, um. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to blurt it out like that, but..." Apparently realizing how intently she had been listening, Shiori straightened up again, embarrassed. "I'm sorry if I'm prying. I... I can imagine what it's like, but in truth, I don't know if it's anything close to what you must be going through, Hayashi-san. I'm sorry." And yet, something of Masumi's words struck her. Being the outsider...
Reki Kurusu nods, "I can understand it, Hayashi-sempai...but differently from you."
Its not the world he feels excluded by, its..well, thats not important.
"...the other Masumi, she is a woman of somewhat loose morals. Upon meeting me she immediately identified me somehow, and then embraced me, made inference that I was 'cute' and wished to do this and that with me, and then smothered me with her breasts. She is /nothing/ like Hayashi-sempai."
He nods, "Nothing like."
He looks back to Masumi.., "...I am unsure of why another person with your name, who looks like you, would suddenly appear, Hayashi-sempai...but this is a strange world we live in. But the more important issue is..."
He nods, "Regardless of your foibles, intents, opinions or such, you remain Masumi Hayashi. You are who you are. You are a friend to me and Shirou Sekigawa. You are a person, you comprise yourself, and while society is important, it is important to recognize that you should not feel less of a person. You are Masumi Hayashi."
He nods at that, and repeats it, "Masumi Hayashi is who /you/ are. No one else. The Masumi Hayashi to whom I speak now I know to be a good person from my experiences, a person who while they occasionally do things I do not understand or comprehend, is still none the less a person who must be approached, and respected."
He nods, "They have failed you, Masumi Hayashi. They have failed in ceasing to respect /you/, regardless of what they may feel of your choices."
Perhaps Masumi does not do what she does for the sake of crossdressing itself -- if that were the case, then it would actually be much easier to deal with the backlash -- but rather because she feels that it reflects her proper gender identity. Certainly, Shiori may notice after a time that in addition to speaking in very distinctly feminine tones -- something which obviously took a very great deal of time and effort and practice to perfect -- she also uses the feminine forms while speaking, both to refer to herself, but also in general choice of language. This may explain a good deal.
And of course, she knew very well that she would receive some intensely negative reactions for going to school under the feminine guise, where people knew her -- as opposed to going outside of Inaba, where most people did not -- but she had become so incredibly miserable continuing to masquerade as male when everything inside screamed that she was not. That it was a lie; that it was some great and twisted mistake of nature's process.
And ultimately, had that been the only issue at hand, she probably would have been able to deal with it reasonably well. After all, it was at least from a social perspective, rather the logical conclusion to the feminine appearance she had always maintained, even under the male guise. That had always put her on the outside, but she had learned to roll with the blows sent her way. But with the activities of 'Masumi-chan' also tainting her reputation at what is ultimately a terribly small school, everything else only adds to an overwhelming weight and pressure.
Following her confession, Masumi sets upon the ridiculously extravagent sundae set before her, giving a slight murmur of thanks to both Reki and Shiori. She immediately feels a pang of guilt, but quickly decides that for once she doesn't care. The pleasant physical feelings induced by both the chocolate involved and the sugar high in general is suddenly very appealing, and honestly she doesn't really have the mental stamina to politely decline at the moment after Reki purchased it with his own funds on her behalf. Sugar is something she normally avoids like the plague, and even though she did originally come here for this (obviously), she had only been half-heartedly poking at the much, much smaller sundae she had purchased for herself.
There is a faint quiver as that sense of the faceless crowd closes in, and for several moments she actually stops dead in obvious distress, shuddering slightly as she inhales heavily. It is extremely difficult to cope with, creating a distinct feeling of mental-emotional claustrophobia. She comes terribly close to shrieking at Shiori to just /go away/, but reigns the impulse in at the last moment, then feels miserable for feeling it at all.
A very good deal of the extravagent sundae is already gone by the time that Reki finishes. It actually seems to be helping, if only a little bit, most of the way through the impromptu speech -- and even if his words are extremely, almost over-the-top formal, and definitely stilted, it's the thought behind the words that really means something to Masumi. He's trying...maybe /both/ of them are trying to help her, despite really not knowing her very well. That feeling...it's overwhelming, and fresh tears of strong emotion spill from her eyes throughout most of it.
Until suddenly something snaps into focus. The moment that Reki says 'they have failed in ceasing to respect /you/,' suddenly the vague needling feeling from before becomes painfully clear, as, in an instant, her mind plays back over every conversation she's had with Reki. Particularly this one. And she realizes that something has always been /missing/. At first she thought it was merely her manner of speech, but in this moment, her agile mind compares it to the way he's talked to other people. And there's that very slight difference.
The tears immediately vanish from her eyes to be replaced by a sudden intensity, but a very a pained one. "...you don't respect me, either, Reki-san," she says with perfect clarity, looking up to make eye contact. "Do you?"
(Editor's Note: Reki is aware that Masumi was born a male, and has always taken great pains to only ever use gender-neutral language, pointedly refusing to acknowledge her as female. This is the cause for the sudden shift above, as Masumi suddenly realizes this).
Being the outsider, being known for something she didn't do. Shiori Hibiki, the blabbermouth, the untrustworthy one, the one who had quit SEES, the one the KDA only picked up so Kandori wouldn't, the one blamed for almost every misfortune she had been tangentially related to. The troublemaker, the nuisance.
The one who never belonged.
It had been so long... no, only a year. It felt like forever, though, and Shiori could not seem to recall a time when she hadn't felt like someone who was tolerated only on sufferance. It was terrifying, what one could get used to.
But Shiori knew that Masumi definitely had it worse; after all, Shiori never had a doppelganger running around free. (No, the Shadow had only been herself, in a timeline that never was.) Shiori was certainly familiar with the whole deal about rumour Shadows, especially since she had inadvertantly contributed to the creation of Daigan.
Shiori had receded, almost cringed, as it became clear that whatever she was doing, she was causing distress to Masumi. Thankfully, the sense of the gathering crowd faded as well.
Should she talk about kotodama? It would be even more of a burden of knowledge, especially to the already-dutybound Reki. There wasn't much anyone here could do about it; fighting it wouldn't guarantee anything other than violence, and Shiori was reluctant to suggest as much after what Daigan had done.
And counter-rumours had a way of spiralling out of control.
"I don't exactly know what's going on," Shiori confessed, glancing back and forth between Masumi and Reki, "but I think..." She sighed, and rubbed her temples, trying to find the right words. "There's the respect due to the, the person you seem to be, the person that other people think you are, Hayashi-san. And there's the respect due to the person you actually /are/. I... don't know whether the Masumi Hayashi-san I know is the real one, I'm afraid. I'm sorry."
She tried to smile reassuringly, but succeeded only with a nervous tic. "I'd be willing to learn, though. And Reki-san..." A wild stab in the dark. "I think Reki-san does respect you. In his own way. He's..." Shiori turned to Reki. "Reki-san, you see Hayashi-san as a /friend/. That's different from the way you treat others." From the way he treated Shiori, and Kaede, and anyone else who tried to befriend him. "It's complicated and difficult to understand at first, but I think it'll work out."
Reki Kurusu looks at Shiori and then back at that intense gaze from Masumi.
"I respect you, Hayashi-sempai. Respecting you and believing your choices and opinions are correct are not..."
He frowns, "Please forgive my bluntness."
He nods, "...I respect you Hayashi-semapi, you appear kind, always concerned with others, friendly, accepting... I disagree with what you have chosen to do, but this does not change who you are. Yes, I consider you a friend."
He feels the momentary high of helping someone fading, he feels his apparent failure crashing down on him, the weights of responsibility, duty, and all becoming horrifically heavy once again, wrapping about him, constricting, squeezing his lung and heart, forcing his ability to speak away.
"..."
There is an obvious difference in Masumi's body language -- which right now is so painfully transparent, in stark contrast to her normal poise and control which makes it so difficult to truly read her, save for when she wishes people to -- when the sense of the gathering crowd fades. The silver-haired girl does not have the benefit to filtering others' Resonances through one of the traditional five senses, but instead *feels* them on an extremely visceral, emotional-spiritual level. And so with such extreme clarity, as well.
It is for this reason that Masumi often struggles in the presence of negative Resonances, and it is in fact only through repeated exposure that she has been able to even be around Reki at all without appearing visibly strained, features pale and drawn. Even now, perhaps it is only the weight of everything else that keeps attention away from the normal reaction. Or perhaps it is the way that he is breaking out of the chains just ever-so-slightly, in order to help someone that he considers a friend.
Masumi nods just a little to Shiori as she speaks again. On an intellectual level, she is more than capable of understanding that her reaction to the other girl's Resonance was irrational, but on a more visceral level...she's simply extremely glad that it has so extremely lessened itself. Unfortunately, her words do not seem to make much headway with the silver-haired girl right now, her focus fixed intensely on Reki. But they have been spoken, and they have been heard. They will remain in Masumi's mind, and in the future, they may help.
There is a continued visible shift in Masumi's body language, expression, and deep azure eyes as Reki speaks once more. They all convey the sense of someone feeling suddenly and intensely betrayed after having actually trusted, after having actually opened themselves up, and what remains of her walls immediately slam into place again. There is a coldness borne of deep pain in her eyes. "No," she says with a shake of her head. "This /is/ who I am." There's an incredible bitterness in her voice as she continues, lashing out. "Though I guess it's my fault for expecting someone like you to actually be able to grasp that."
Masumi rises sharply, leaving the unfinished icecream behind and already turning to head for the door. She was so damn /stupid/. She *knew* better.
"Hayashi-san, I-!" Shiori started out of her seat, before casting a despairing look back at Reki. Was Masumi's hurtful words aimed at Shiori or Reki? Shiori wasn't sure which one would make her feel worse.
Masumi was clearly in pain, and he had lashed out, likely causing Reki pain... and Shiori had butted in without knowing what was going on. She had made things worse.
And now Masumi was leaving, and Reki was... probably not going to take this well.
For a moment, Shiori was struck with a sense of intense deja vu. So many times she had been torn between someone who stormed off in a huff, and someone who remained behind, disappointed. And every time, Shiori had chosen one over the other, and wondered with regret if she should have chosen differently.
A flip of the coin of chance...
Shiori darted towards Masumi, mentally apologizing to Reki rapid-fire. "Hayashi-san, please, wait..." Just a few steps, though. If Masumi kept walking, ignoring Shiori, she would stop before they got too far.
Reki Kurusu watches Masumi's response...
He blinks, "I...I'm s-..."
Someone like you.
He watches as Masumi goes, and then as Shiori follows...
The correct solution, as far as Reki's concerned.
He feels the suffocating weight, the heaviness...
He slowly rises, looking after the pair...
"...help him, Hibiki-sempai," he murmurs, before stepping to the clerk.
"...I've delivered some dry ice here on occasion, may I use the rear exit?"
He nods, his thanks and disappears through the back...
Its best he's not around if his presence offends Masumi, it probably offends Shiori as well..
He shouldn't have tried to come in to get a drink. He has high school to prepare for.
Yes, high school. To get into college. To get a good position to...
He briefly thinks on that cold, rushing water, or the simply joys of rope...
The end of the journey would be such a relief.
He looks back at the pair as he heads into the kitchen, "...have a good evening Hayashi-sempai, Hibiki-sempai..."
Masumi just keeps going. Once again, she can recognize on an intellectual level that she probably just hurt Reki, but on a much more powerful level, she just doesn't /care/. How could he possibly presume to have her friendship, if he refused to accept such a fundamental part of her? He /couldn't/.
But it was her own fault, wasn't it. She knew better than that. She /knew better/ than to actually assume that people could understand her -- their mind's just weren't /capable/ of understanding someone like her. Maybe it wasn't even their fault. Maybe they were just hard-wired like that, their small minds unable to cope with the abstract thought processes she entertained every day. Bound by the chains of societal standards, literally incapable of breaking them.
Angry, bitter, /pained/ tears run down her features even as she sweeps out of the icecream parlor with a forced imperiousness, /daring/ anyone to further belittle or attack her. She just.../still/ couldn't believe how stupid she had been, and mentally berates herself for her weakness and idiocy all the way out the door, and for quite a while afterwards. A tight knot of overwhelming stress and raw emotion rests at the pit of her stomach, all but physicall painful.
Masumi pauses briefly for just a moment at Shiori's pleas, turning around just long enough that the other girl can so clearly see all the incredible pain and perceived betrayal in Masumi's eyes -- before immediately changing her mind and pivoting back around to sweep out of the store.
"Listen, Hayashi-san, I..." Shiori trailed off, face burning, as she felt the stares from the other patrons in the parlour. Of course, societal chains being what they were, nobody actually said anything, and everyone was being very careful to pretend not to notice.
Shiori stood there, silent, wondering where she had done something wrong. She had offended Masumi, or inadvertantly enabled Reki to offend Masumi, due to her big mouth... or maybe she didn't say enough, and now there was a misunderstanding between friends, which would have been solved if Shiori hadn't been so cautious and afraid to do /something/.
Was her sin in doing too much, or doing too little?
Shiori knew Reki needed friends, or rather friends which he /accepted/ as friends, rather than as people to feel obligated to. From what Masumi had been like, he probably also needed friends to talk to, to cry on.
And now they were... no longer friends.
She turned back towards the table she had vacated. "Reki-san, I'm sorry-" She froze, as Reki's absence became clear. He had left, and Shiori hadn't heard him saying goodbye. Had she been too focused on catching Masumi? Trying to win over both, and succeeding at nothing.
So much for trying to salvage the situation.
Shiori trudged back to the table, and sat down, staring at the unfinished sundae she had bought for Masumi. Presently, she laid her head down, pillowed in her arms, and sighed.