RIP Timmy
on sunday sept 9 i received a call that my friend tim from hs was dead. originally it was thought to be an overdose, but it was later discovered that he had in fact took his own life by shooting himself in his parents' basement. i cannot even describe to you the shock and pain that swept over me when i heard. this week has by far been one of the most difficult experiences i have had. (don't get me wrong, im sure many others have gone through worse and i am by no means trying to "one-up" anyone.)
on sunday i had 3 of my best guy friends from home call me in hysterics. absolutely inconsolable. and what could i even say? tim wasn't old, he wasn't sick, it wasn't an accident. all i could do was listen to them cry, bc i was still in complete shock and in my mind it was a story, it wasn't real. then detail after horrible detail rolled in-- he had tried to admit himself at ECMC(for being an addict as well as depression) but they turned him down bc he 'wasnt bad enough' and/or didn't have insurance (this still isnt clear), the church he was both baptized and confirmed at would not allow the family to hold services there bc of the means by which he died, it was his younger brother who looked up to tim like he was a hero who discovered him in the basement... and it goes on.
i went to work mon and tues bc it still just wasnt real, it really hadn't hit me. then tues night was the first wake. it was the worst and saddest thing i have ever experienced in my life. it took us almost an hour to even enter the funeral home and when we did we were 'greeted' w/ literally everyone there very openly and loudly sobbing. there were so many people there i couldnt believe my eyes... and every single one of them had a broken heart. when tim's mom cried you could almost hear her heart breaking over and over again. tim's dad was such a wreck he couldnt walk. his 6 younger siblings were trying so hard to be strong you could do nothing but admire it. we didn't stay in there for very long bc it really just made that pit in your stomach grow and grow. there was nothing we could do but cry and occasionally hug each other just to let one another know we were feeling the same way.
as far as the funeral went, it was like that first wake all over again. broken hearted people sobbing everywhere, just letting the tears roll down their faces bc what was the sense of whiping them when they would soon be replaced anyways. the image of all the guys in the 'crew' walking up and putting their hands on tim's casket together is something that haunts me to this day.
now, we are all just taking it one day at a time. it's a challenge bc you might be fine and all of a sudden something comes up about suicide, someone mentioning drugs, a song, or some other little reminder of tim and his death becomes real all over again.
this experience has definitely taught me to appreciate my friends and family, bc even if sometimes it seems like thats all you have, its a damn lot. also, i found out recently that tim had previously told ppl that he was going to take his own life but they didn't think he was serious. i guess that statistic about if they say it they aren't really going to doesn't hold true all the time, and i hope that everyone remembers that.
on sunday i had 3 of my best guy friends from home call me in hysterics. absolutely inconsolable. and what could i even say? tim wasn't old, he wasn't sick, it wasn't an accident. all i could do was listen to them cry, bc i was still in complete shock and in my mind it was a story, it wasn't real. then detail after horrible detail rolled in-- he had tried to admit himself at ECMC(for being an addict as well as depression) but they turned him down bc he 'wasnt bad enough' and/or didn't have insurance (this still isnt clear), the church he was both baptized and confirmed at would not allow the family to hold services there bc of the means by which he died, it was his younger brother who looked up to tim like he was a hero who discovered him in the basement... and it goes on.
i went to work mon and tues bc it still just wasnt real, it really hadn't hit me. then tues night was the first wake. it was the worst and saddest thing i have ever experienced in my life. it took us almost an hour to even enter the funeral home and when we did we were 'greeted' w/ literally everyone there very openly and loudly sobbing. there were so many people there i couldnt believe my eyes... and every single one of them had a broken heart. when tim's mom cried you could almost hear her heart breaking over and over again. tim's dad was such a wreck he couldnt walk. his 6 younger siblings were trying so hard to be strong you could do nothing but admire it. we didn't stay in there for very long bc it really just made that pit in your stomach grow and grow. there was nothing we could do but cry and occasionally hug each other just to let one another know we were feeling the same way.
as far as the funeral went, it was like that first wake all over again. broken hearted people sobbing everywhere, just letting the tears roll down their faces bc what was the sense of whiping them when they would soon be replaced anyways. the image of all the guys in the 'crew' walking up and putting their hands on tim's casket together is something that haunts me to this day.
now, we are all just taking it one day at a time. it's a challenge bc you might be fine and all of a sudden something comes up about suicide, someone mentioning drugs, a song, or some other little reminder of tim and his death becomes real all over again.
this experience has definitely taught me to appreciate my friends and family, bc even if sometimes it seems like thats all you have, its a damn lot. also, i found out recently that tim had previously told ppl that he was going to take his own life but they didn't think he was serious. i guess that statistic about if they say it they aren't really going to doesn't hold true all the time, and i hope that everyone remembers that.