TWW Ficlet: Shitty Day

[kho]

Fandom: The West Wing
Title: Shitty Day
Rated: R, language
Pairing: Josh/Ryan
Notes: This is set after Disaster Releif, or, actually, during it. Right after Josh yells at the Capitol Building. I know some of you probably don't like Ryan, but boy I did. He's so damn cute and funny! LOL. Anyway, here ya go...


[ shitty day ]
by kHo

Josh threw his feet up on the table, lolling his head back on the couch. “You can go home now.”

Ryan sat down next to him, turning to face him. “Josh--”

Josh squeezed his eyes shut. “Stop.”

“Josh--”

“Don’t,” Josh said, squeezing his eyes shut tighter. “Just stop talking.”

Ryan bit his lip, studying Josh’s face. “It’ll blow over.”

Josh laughed, shaking his head. “Yeah.”

Ryan sighed, sliding a little closer to him. “It will. They’ll undermine you for a while, strip a few of your privileges for a while, but then you’ll be back. Right back on top, where you belong.”

“Stop talking,” Josh said, his voice taking on a plaintive tone. “Please, Ryan. Stop.”

“Josh--”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Josh shouted, his eyes flying open to glare at Ryan. “I don’t feel like talking! I feel like I’ve been talking to an empty room for the past however the hell long it’s been, and I just wanna fucking stop!”

Ryan frowned at him. “What--”

Josh shook his head, staring at the ceiling. “It’s like a dance. Like this intricate little dance that I never learned all that well. Saying things while not saying other things. Wanting to literally get on my knees and beg, beg for them not to fire me.” He looked at Ryan then, his eyes wild with fright and anger. “But not having the fucking guts to say it out loud, because I can’t get it out of my head that if I say that it’s possible that he could fire me, he will fire me. Like it’s not already crossed his mind.”

Ryan nods, scooting closer. “Of course he’s thought about it.”

Josh laughed. “Thanks, Ryan. Really helping there.”

“For crying out loud Josh, he doesn’t have to think about it. He’s got Senators and Congressmen and the Associated Press calling for your resignation! Of course he’s thought about it. But he hasn’t.” Ryan pauses, resting his hand on Josh’s shoulder. “You gotta take that for what it’s worth.”

Josh’s eyes rest warily on Ryan’s hand. “You’re not gonna hug me or something are you?”

Ryan smiles but doesn’t move his hand. “Wasn’t planning on that, no.”

“Why do you talk like that,” Josh asked, frowning at him in confusion. “Why do you talk like you’re older than me somehow? Why do you talk like you have more experience than I do? Why do you know all of this?”

Ryan shrugs. “I’m a Pierce.”

Josh snorts. “What, like that explains everything?”

Ryan arches an eyebrow. “It doesn’t?”

Josh looked back down at his hand, his frown deepening. “Why do you talk like that? What does being a Pierce have to do with it?”

Ryan’s mouth tightens almost imperceptibly. “We’re different, Josh.”

Josh laughs. “No kidding.”

“I’m not like you. I wasn’t brought up in a nice house in Connecticut with normal parents and a sister.” He paused, and for a fleeting moment Josh is almost sure he sees a flicker of self-admonishment pass through his eyes. He blinks and it’s gone, but it’s enough to let the comment about his sister pass. “When you were out there playing ping-pong with your friends, I was entertaining influential people with my stirring rendition of the St. Crispin’s Day speech.”

Josh frowned. “The St. Crispin’s Day speech?”

Ryan nodded. “Yeah.”

“There’s a speech for St. Crispin’s Day?”

Ryan smiled. “Yeah.”

Josh shook his head. “Wait. There’s a St. Crispin’s Day?”

Ryan laughed, shaking his head. “Yeah, Josh. Not a fan of Shakespeare huh?”

Josh shrugged, letting his head fall back again. “Okay.”

“You really don’t know who St. Crispin is?”

“Who the hell is St. Crispin?”

Ryan sighed. “St. Crispin is the patron saint of shoemakers.”

Josh opened one eye to squint at him. “You just made that up. Just now, you totally made that up.”

Ryan shook his head. “He’s also the saint for saddlemakers and tanners.”

Josh shook his head. “Tell me I was supposed to know that.”

Ryan frowned, cocking his head at him. “We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.”

Josh looked at him. “That’s the St. Crispin’s Day speech?”

“Well, not all of it,” Ryan said, nodding. “But yeah.”

“Well, I’ve heard that,” Josh said, frowning and closing his eyes once again. “And anyway, I’m drunk. Don’t expect me to quote Shakespeare right now.”

“I’m just saying that I talk like this because this is how I talk,” Ryan said softly, tightening his grip on Josh’s shoulder. “This is just how I was raised to talk.”

Josh raised his head to look at him. “Okay. But… can we just not talk now? Just, the both of us, not talk?”

“Sure,” Ryan said. “So Rick and I--”

Josh looked at him. “This is you not talking?”

Ryan frowned. “I thought you meant not talk about this.”

“I meant not talk, Ryan.”

Ryan’s frown deepened. “About anything?”

Josh nodded, closing his eyes again. “About anything.”

“Okay,” Ryan said, nodding and taking his coat off, propping his feet next to Josh’s on the coffee table.

No longer than two minutes had passed until Josh’s eyes opened again. “So you and Rick…”

Ryan smiled but didn’t look at him. “I thought you said no talking. About anything.”

Josh heaves a huge sigh. “The silence was bugging me.”

Ryan’s smile widened. “Me and Rick did this across the country thing a few years ago, right after we got out of high school.”

“Oh yeah,” Josh asked, reaching up and rubbing at his eyes.

“Yeah,” Ryan said, nodding. “Hit all of the National Parks and the Grand Canyon and all of that. The ‘Must Sees’ of the US.”

Josh laughed. “Sam and I did that.”

Ryan looked at him. “You and Sam?”

Josh nodded. “Yeah. Spring Break. Well, his Spring Break. I just had some time off coming to me.”

“We went in the summer,” Ryan said. “Ya know, I thought there was no way the Grand Canyon could possibly measure up to what it’s supposed to be, but it really does.”

Josh nodded. “Yeah.”

“So tell me about Sam,” Ryan said. “I want to know how I’m like him.”

Josh frowned at him. “How you’re like him?”

“Yeah,” Ryan said, nodding. “I keep hearing that I remind people of him.”

Josh’s snort burst out of him like a force of nature. “You are in no ways like Sam.”

“Really,” Ryan asked, his brow furrowing in confusion. “Ginger said I was cute, like Sam. And Bonnie said I was young, like Sam.”

Josh shook his head. “The only ways in which you are like Sam is that you’re not unattractive, and you look younger than you actually are. The similarities end there.”

Ryan smirked. “I’m not unattractive?”

Josh looked at him. “What, you want me to say you’re cute? I’m sorry, I just don’t make it a practice to go around calling random men cute. In fact, I make it s a practice to not go around calling random men cute.”

“I’m not cute. I’m chiseled. Dark. Handsome.” Ryan shrugs. “I’m an extremely attractive young man.”

Josh laughed. “Yeah. You’re nothing like Sam.”

“Okay,” Ryan said, spreading his hands. “Then in what ways am I not like Sam?”

“First of all, Sam would never have referred to himself as an extremely attractive young man,” Josh said, laughing at the mere idea. “Sam was too modest for that. If you told Sam he was an extremely attractive young man he’d blush about the color of that stop light,” he said, pointing out of his window. “He wasn’t boastful.”

“I’m not boastful,” Ryan answered, frowning. “It’s just the truth. I know I’m an attractive man, Josh. The girls, they tell me so.”

“The girls, they tell me so,” Josh echoed mockingly. “Jesus, man, you are an odd little guy, you know that?”

Ryan shrugged. “They do. What can I say?”

“Sam was naïve, and idealistic, and perhaps the most kind hearted, good-hearted person I’ve ever known,” Josh said softly. “None of which I’d use to describe you.”

Ryan’s smirk falls. “Wow,” he said, his tone no longer smug. “You don’t think very much of me, do you?”

Josh looked at him. “What? No, I didn’t say that.”

“Yes you did,” Ryan said, nodding and sitting up. “You said I wasn’t naïve, I wasn’t idealistic, I wasn’t kind hearted, and I wasn’t good-hearted. Tell me how you think so highly of me when you think I’m none of those things?”

“Oh come on, Ryan,” Josh said, laughing uncomfortably and wishing he were anywhere but here. “Even you have to admit to not being idealistic or naïve.”

Ryan nodded. “I admit to that. But not kind hearted? Not good-hearted? No, I don’t agree with that assessment.”

Josh felt himself sobering. “Listen, Ryan, I’m drunk. I’m just talking over here, okay? I didn’t mean--”

“You don’t know me, okay Josh,” Ryan said, his mouth now turned down in a scowl. “What the hell do you know about me? You haven’t bothered to learn, have you? You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said this past whatever since I got here. Not one single word. You don’t me from any other Tom, Dick, or Harry, and you presume to know whether or not I’m a kind hearted person?!”

Josh’s mouth worked open a few times before he could answer. “Ryan, I didn’t meant to say--”

“Why the hell do you think I’m here,” Ryan asked, his eyes wide and furious. “Why do you think I came to the restaurant, had dinner with you, rode in the cab with you, and came back to this apartment with you? Why?! So I could watch you implode and laugh about it?!”

Josh’s mouth fell open. “Implode?”

“Yes,” Ryan shouted, grabbing at Josh’s jacket. “Look at yourself,” he said, tossing the fold of the jacket open, exposing Josh’s untucked shirt and disheveled appearance. “Look at yourself! You’re drunk, you’re two seconds away from crying--”

“I am not!”

“And you sound like a five year old, Josh, because yes you are!”

Josh frowned, pulling the jacket closed around him again. “It’s been a shitty day.”

“It has, yes,” Ryan said, his voice softening. “My point is this, Josh. Why do you think I’m here?”

Josh rolls his eyes. “Because Donna sent you!”

“Yeah,” Ryan said, laughing derisively. “Yeah, cause it’s my job. Cause I get paid so much to do exactly this.”

Josh frowned. “You get paid?”

“No! That’s my point!”

Josh held up his hands. “Alright.”

“It’s not because it’s my job. It’s not even because Donna asked me to. Yeah, maybe I went to the restaurant because she asked me to, but I didn’t stay because she asked me to. I didn’t have dinner with you because she asked me to. She didn’t ask me to see you home, and she didn’t ask me to come up here with you, and she certainly didn’t ask me to take this much shit from you in the process!”

Josh stared at him. “Ryan, I don’t--”

“I asked to intern for you, Josh,” Ryan said, sitting up and angling away from him. “I asked for it. Because I worship you, okay? I worship you for your political skills, your mind. I used to watch you on Capital Beat and think to myself I want to be just like you!” He paused, shaking his head. “Did you think it was some accident I got assigned to you? You think I got stuck with you? Because let me tell you, I’m a Pierce. I could have interned with anyone I wanted to.”

Josh’s mouth quirked into a smirk. “Worship me--”

“Maybe not so much anymore,” Ryan gritted out between his teeth, raising an eyebrow at him. “But yeah.”

Josh shook his head, his smirk fading quickly. “Ryan, really, this is just a really bad night for me, okay?”

“I know,” Ryan said, his voice softening again. “And that’s why I stayed. I could have left any of the thirty two times you yelled at me to leave with a clear conscience. I didn’t though. And for you to sit there and tell me I’m not a good-hearted--”

“You counted,” Josh interrupted with a smile. “You actually sat there and counted how many times I asked you to leave?”

“No,” Ryan said, rolling his eyes. “But it was at least thirty two.”

Josh shook his head. “Why thirty two? Why not just thirty, or thirty five? Why the two?”

Ryan frowned, looking at him. “Because that’s the number that came out of my mouth when I opened it!”

Josh smiled. “Okay. Listen, Ryan. I’m sorry. Okay? I shouldn’t have implied I thought you weren’t a good-hearted person.”

Ryan sat back. “So you do or don’t think I’m a good-hearted person?”

Josh shrugged. “I don’t know. You’re right. I don’t know you that well. But no, I don’t particularly think you’re a bad guy, okay?”

Ryan nodded. “Okay,” he said, settling back into Josh’s couch. “I should probably go, though.”

“No,” Josh said, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to go.”

Ryan looked at him. “You don’t want me to go?”

Josh shrugged. “I’m just saying, don’t go because I said this stupid thing.”

Ryan squinted at him, trying to read him. “Do you want me to stay, or do you want me to go?”

Josh looked at him for a long moment, finally meeting his eyes. “Stay.”

Ryan swallowed, nodding slowly. “Okay. I’ll stay.”

“I just…” Josh paused, sighing and running his hands through his hair. “I don’t want to be alone right now. I’ve felt like I’ve been alone too much recently… my brain won’t stop working.”

Ryan smiled. “So I make your brain stop working?”

“Sometimes you make it completely stop,” Josh said with a smile. “You start talking about God knows what and it just shuts off.”

Ryan looked at him, licking his lips. “Was I really the guy that laughed at you when you were on the way to the library?”

Josh looked back at him, shrugging. “I don’t know. Was I the guy you were laughing at?”

Ryan shook his head. “I didn’t laugh at anybody on their way to the library.”

Josh smiled. “Good. Cause it’s not very fun to be laughed at.”

Ryan nodded. “No. You were probably the guy I made out with in the library stacks, though.”

Josh shrugged, laying his head back down on the couch. “Well, that… wait…” He opened his eyes, looking back at him. “What?”

Ryan smiled. “I said you were probably the guy I made out with in the library stacks.”

Josh sat up a little straighter. “What?”

Ryan laughed. “Do I really have to say that again?”

Josh cleared his throat, hugging his coat tighter against him. “Why? I mean, why would you say that?”

“That you were probably the guy--”

Josh nodded, holding his hand out. “Yeah, yeah. That. Why?”

Ryan shrugged. “Because you probably were.”

Josh squeezed his eyes shut. “No. I mean… why me?”

“Oh,” Ryan said, frowning. “You mean why you in particular?”

Josh nodded, looking at him. “Yeah.”

“Cause you’re cute, Josh,” Ryan said, grinning. “Because you’re passionate, and you believe in the basic good in things, and you’re incredibly insecure. But somehow you’re cocky and confrontational at the same time.” He shrugged. “It’s somehow a winning combination on you.”

Josh frowned. “I’m insecure?”

Ryan nodded. “Yeah. If you weren’t, this Carrick thing wouldn’t bother you. You’d realize Leo’s only benching you because he has to, and that your job’s not in jeopardy, just on hold.”

Josh frowned. “You really think that?”

“Are you kidding me,” Ryan said. “Yeah. Your job’s not in jeopardy. Look at all the things you’ve done for this administration. Leo’s getting a lot of pressure from a lot of windbags, and he’s been forced into doing something about it.”

“What if he’s forced into firing me, Ryan,” Josh asked, his voice timid. “Have you thought about that?”

Ryan nodded. “I have, but I don’t worry about it. I don’t think Leo would let it get that far.”

Josh nodded, taking a deep breath. “I didn’t realize you were gay,” he said, casting a sidelong glance at him. “I never would have thought it, actually.”

“Well why would you,” Ryan said, smiling. “I don’t let it show. I don’t talk about it.”

Josh looked at him. “But you flirt with Donna. Like, all the time.”

Ryan grinned. “That’s because it flusters her, and it makes her feel good. I know nothing would ever happen with her, for a myriad of reasons, and what’s the harm in flattering her?”

Josh smiles. “But mostly it’s cause it flusters her.”

Ryan’s grin widened. “Maybe you do know me better than I thought.”

Josh nodded. “You’re just one of those guys, aren’t you? You’re one of those guys that likes to get under people’s skin.”

Ryan nods. “It’s something I manage to do anyway, so why not enjoy it?”

Josh looks at him, chewing on his lip. “Then how do I know you’re not just saying that to fluster and flatter me?”

Ryan shrugs, his smile easy. “I guess you won’t. Unless you kiss me and find out.”

Josh’s eyes widen. “Yeah right,” he said, laughing.

“If you’re not interested, that’s fine,” Ryan said with another shrug. “But if you are, there’s only one way to find out.”

Josh laughs again. “Right. I kiss you, right here on my couch at 1 o’clock in the morning, and you’re joking, and the next day I’ve got a sexual harassment suit that would not only bury me with this administration, but finish my career in politics forever because all of a sudden, I’m gay too.”

“Matt Skinner’s gay, and he’s not finished,” Ryan said, looking steadily into Josh’s eyes.

“Yeah, but he always was. He never hid that fact.”

Ryan nodded. “Have you been hiding it?”

“No,” Josh said, shaking his head. “I’m not gay.”

Ryan nodded again. “But you’ve been attracted to guys.”

Josh looked away, shrugging. “I don’t know.”

Ryan laughed. “You know, I’ve heard the rumors.”

Josh looked at him, frowning. “What rumors?”

“About Sam,” Ryan said, scooting a little closer. “About you and Sam.”

Josh blinked at him and contemplated denying it. “Sam’s different,” he whispered instead.

“Why?”

Josh closed his eyes. “Because he’s Sam. I don’t go around sleeping with men, Ryan.”

“But you and Sam… those aren’t just rumors, are they?”

Josh shook his head. “But I’m not gay. I like women.”

Ryan laughed. “I like ‘em too. I even like having sex with them. I just like having sex with men better. There’s a word for it.”

“Denial,” Josh asked, raising his eyebrows.

“No,” Ryan said, laughing. “Bisexuality.”

“I mostly like women. There was just Sam,” Josh said softly, looking down. “And one other.”

Ryan nodded. “After Sam?”

Josh nodded. “Yeah,” he said, clearing his throat. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Ryan said, reaching out and running his fingers down Josh’s neck and smiling when Josh doesn’t jerk away. “I just have one question.”

“This is a bad idea,” Josh hissed, closing his eyes and bending his head forward.

“Are you attracted to me,” Ryan asked anyway, smiling as Josh shivered beneath his feather-light touch.

“You should go home,” Josh said, clearing his throat and looking up at the clock. “It’s late.”

“Are you,” Ryan pressed, leaning just a little bit closer.

Josh looked at him, breathing shallowly. “Yes,” he said finally, meeting his eyes. “And that’s why you should go home.”

“No,” Ryan said, meeting his gaze back. “That’s why you should kiss me.”

Josh took a deep breath, his eyes drifting down to look at Ryan’s lips. “How do I know you’re not just fucking with my head?”

“You won’t until you kiss me,” Ryan said, smirking at him. “That’s why you need to kiss me. To find out.”

Josh shook his head. “This isn’t a good time to be fucking with me, Ryan. I’m not in a very good place right now, the last thing I need is--”

“A little hint,” Ryan said, leaning even closer, his lips only inches from Josh’s. “If you kiss me and I kiss back, I’m not fucking with you. And? I’m gonna kiss back.”

“Yeah,” Josh asked, his eyes drifting back up to meet Ryan’s.

Ryan nodded. “Yeah.”

Josh nodded, his gaze drifting back down to his lips. “Okay,” he said, nodding again before leaning over and resting his lips gently against Ryan’s.

When Ryan moved to kiss him back he lifted his hand to the back of Ryan’s head and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. Ryan’s hands fisted in the lapels of his jacket and crushed him against him, and he opened his mouth for Josh’s tongue. Josh grunted as his tongue swiped past Ryan’s lips and wound with his, feeling Ryan’s hand lowering to his pants buckle.

“I didn’t expect this,” he whispered, resting his forehead against Ryan’s and looking down as Ryan’s fingers quickly unzipped his pants.

“I know,” Ryan whispered back, lowering his mouth to Josh’s neck. “Just go with it.”