TWW Ficlet: In Times Like These
Fandom: The West Wing
Title: In Times Like These
Rated: PG
Characters: Leo, Noah (yes, Josh's father)
Notes: I have no idea where this came from. It's set WAY pre-administration, back when Josh was 8, and Leo was still drinking.
[ in times like these ]
by kHo
If this were a party it would be Brandy, and they’d be sipping it, but it was anything but. This was Whiskey, the harsh kind, the kind that burns your throat more than the rest does, and this wasn’t sipping this was drowning. The man across from him has bags under eyes lined in red, and the wrinkles on his face might be premature or from exhaustion but they’re there and they’re unusually prominent.
“I don’t know what to do,” he’s saying, shaking his head, looking far off into the distance, his shoulders barely lifting. “I don’t know how to talk to him about this.”
Leo shakes his head and everything in him screams at him to say the right thing. Everything in him tells him that if he misspeaks, if he says the wrong thing in the wrong way, this man before him will break. “Noah--”
“Did you see his face, Leo,” Noah says, finally looking at him, completely lost, completely tortured. “He’s changed.”
Leo nods and looks down at his lap, because for all the bitching his mind is doing, it’s not giving him anything constructive to say. “Yeah.”
“He was such a happy little guy. So sweet, and happy.” Noah shakes his head and a tear falls out, and Leo feels his own chest constricting. He’s got a little girl too, and Mallory was much younger than Joanie had been, but he’d die if anything happened to her. “Eager to learn, eager to impress. Always, always talking.”
“He’s confused,” Leo says, cringing at how hollow he knows he sounds. Chastising himself for trying to sound like he knows what he’s talking about, for saying things like they’re the truth instead of just his want to ease Noah’s pain. “He doesn’t know how to do this. No one does.”
Noah looks at him with those wide-open brown eyes of his crying out for help, as if he’s bleeding on the inside, and shakes his head. “My God, Leo, he blames himself! Do you know that? He blames himself.”
“No,” Leo says, because there’s no way that’s true. There’s no way this was Josh’s fault, and he can’t possibly really think that. “He can’t, can he?”
Noah nods, and a bitter little laugh comes out. “He told me he was sorry. He said ‘Daddy, I’m sorry I ran outside. I didn’t know.’ He said that to me. He said he was sorry.”
Leo is shocked, except not really. “He’s eight,” Leo says, but he knows that’s really not relevant when it comes to Josh. Josh was remarkably intuitive for a kid so young, incredibly sensitive, and much too aware. “He must not have meant--”
Noah’s shaking his head though, so Leo shuts his mouth. He’s pouring himself another glass of Whiskey straight up, his fifth, and then he pours one more for Leo. Noah never was that much of a drinker, but Leo can’t tell if he’s drunk or not. Leo’s used to the numbness, Leo’s counted on it for years now. Noah’s not, but tonight, he just can’t get enough.
“I close my eyes at night and I see that little sweet face… Sorry Daddy. I didn’t know.” He sits back in his chair and he tries to smile at Leo and instead the tears start to fall. “I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to tell Josh this was just what happened. How can I tell Josh this isn’t his fault? And God help me Leo, I don’t want to have to do it. I don’t want to, and I know it’s selfish, but--”
“Yeah,” Leo says, nodding his head. “I know.”
“I lost Joanie. I can’t even accept that yet. I can’t even… my little girl, Leo!” Leo’s hand rests on his arm, and he squeezes it when the words don’t come. “I don’t know how to deal with that… and at the same time, deal with--”
“I know,” Leo says, even though he doesn’t. He says it because what else can he. What else do you say to something like that, to something so God awful you can’t even fully wrap your head around the concept. “I’m so sorry, Noah.”
“I should be able to do this,” Noah says, his voice just above a whisper. “I should be able to convince him. I’m a lawyer for Christ’s sake. This is what I do. I convince people of things they don’t want to hear.”
Leo sighs and bends over the table, his elbows propped up on the table. “Noah… I honestly don’t have the words.”
Noah laughs then, and it’s a real laugh. It’s quieter, it’s softer, but it’s his. “I know, Leo. I’m sorry.”
“No,” Leo says, shaking his head. “Don’t apologize. God, Noah, you have nothing to apologize for.”
“I just…” Noah pauses, searching for words, his hand covering his mouth as he closes his eyes. “I needed to talk to someone that wouldn’t crack,” he said, smiling and opening his eyes. “You’re a rock, Leo. I need that right now.”
Leo smiles and reaches across the table, resting his hand on Noah’s. “Talk away, old friend.”
There’s a knock on the door and a tuff of brown poofy hair pokes through. “Dad?”
Noah’s smile widens and he beckons Josh in. “Come in, Josh.”
“Momma said to bring you this,” Josh says, timid, quiet. Incredibly not his usual loquacious self. He’s brought a plate with cheese, and bread, and crackers. “She said you might be hungry.”
“Thanks, pal,” Noah says, his voice soft as he smiles at his youngest, and now only, child. “I kind of think maybe I am.”
Josh smiles and puts the plate on the table between them. “She also said to tell you cease and desist.”
Noah laughs and looks at Leo. “Did she? And what did that mean?”
Josh shrugs. “I don’t know. She just told me to tell you that.”
Noah sets his glass down on the table and grabs Josh’s arm, pulling him closer to him. “Thanks for the snacks, pal,” he says, kissing his forehead and hugging him to him.
Josh pulls away from Noah, looking shyly at Leo. “Hi, Mr. McGarry.”
“Hey, kiddo,” Leo says, trying on his best smile, reaching out and fluffing Josh’s hair. “How you doing?”
Josh shrugs and starts to back out the room. “I’m gonna go read, okay Dad?”
“Sure,” Noah says, smiling again. “Go to it.”
When Josh is out of the room, Leo watches Noah trying to regain his composure, fighting off yet another fresh bout of tears. “Cease and desist, huh,” he says, smiling at him, trying to give him a way out. “What do you think she meant by that?”
Noah laughs and leans back in his chair. “I’m pretty sure she meant stop drinking,” he said, his smile widening. “And how evil of her to use my son to do it.”
Leo laughs. “She’s a sneaky lady, Noah. Knows how to lay on the guilt.”
Noah sighs, planting his hands on the armrests of his chair. “Well. I guess I’ll go join the land of the living again,” he says, laughing as he pushes himself up.
Leo watches him stand, chewing on his bottom lip. “Hey Noah? You want my advice?”
Noah looks at him and nods. “Please,” he says, relief in his voice.
Leo smiles. “Just love him. Love him and never let him doubt it.”
Noah takes a deep breath, resting his hand on Leo’s shoulder, squeezing it. “Yeah. I guess that’s really all I can do, huh?”
Leo shrugs, looking up at him. “I don’t know. But it’s all I can think of.”
“You’re a good friend, Leo. Thanks.”
“Hey,” Leo says, shrugging and feeling uncomfortable. “Don’t mention it.”
“Have some of that cheese,” Noah says as he reaches the door. “It’s incredible.”
“Yeah,” Leo calls to him, watching him turn down the hall and go back to the kitchen, where Jenny and Adira were fussing over cookies and other womanly things. “I will.”
Title: In Times Like These
Rated: PG
Characters: Leo, Noah (yes, Josh's father)
Notes: I have no idea where this came from. It's set WAY pre-administration, back when Josh was 8, and Leo was still drinking.
[ in times like these ]
by kHo
If this were a party it would be Brandy, and they’d be sipping it, but it was anything but. This was Whiskey, the harsh kind, the kind that burns your throat more than the rest does, and this wasn’t sipping this was drowning. The man across from him has bags under eyes lined in red, and the wrinkles on his face might be premature or from exhaustion but they’re there and they’re unusually prominent.
“I don’t know what to do,” he’s saying, shaking his head, looking far off into the distance, his shoulders barely lifting. “I don’t know how to talk to him about this.”
Leo shakes his head and everything in him screams at him to say the right thing. Everything in him tells him that if he misspeaks, if he says the wrong thing in the wrong way, this man before him will break. “Noah--”
“Did you see his face, Leo,” Noah says, finally looking at him, completely lost, completely tortured. “He’s changed.”
Leo nods and looks down at his lap, because for all the bitching his mind is doing, it’s not giving him anything constructive to say. “Yeah.”
“He was such a happy little guy. So sweet, and happy.” Noah shakes his head and a tear falls out, and Leo feels his own chest constricting. He’s got a little girl too, and Mallory was much younger than Joanie had been, but he’d die if anything happened to her. “Eager to learn, eager to impress. Always, always talking.”
“He’s confused,” Leo says, cringing at how hollow he knows he sounds. Chastising himself for trying to sound like he knows what he’s talking about, for saying things like they’re the truth instead of just his want to ease Noah’s pain. “He doesn’t know how to do this. No one does.”
Noah looks at him with those wide-open brown eyes of his crying out for help, as if he’s bleeding on the inside, and shakes his head. “My God, Leo, he blames himself! Do you know that? He blames himself.”
“No,” Leo says, because there’s no way that’s true. There’s no way this was Josh’s fault, and he can’t possibly really think that. “He can’t, can he?”
Noah nods, and a bitter little laugh comes out. “He told me he was sorry. He said ‘Daddy, I’m sorry I ran outside. I didn’t know.’ He said that to me. He said he was sorry.”
Leo is shocked, except not really. “He’s eight,” Leo says, but he knows that’s really not relevant when it comes to Josh. Josh was remarkably intuitive for a kid so young, incredibly sensitive, and much too aware. “He must not have meant--”
Noah’s shaking his head though, so Leo shuts his mouth. He’s pouring himself another glass of Whiskey straight up, his fifth, and then he pours one more for Leo. Noah never was that much of a drinker, but Leo can’t tell if he’s drunk or not. Leo’s used to the numbness, Leo’s counted on it for years now. Noah’s not, but tonight, he just can’t get enough.
“I close my eyes at night and I see that little sweet face… Sorry Daddy. I didn’t know.” He sits back in his chair and he tries to smile at Leo and instead the tears start to fall. “I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to tell Josh this was just what happened. How can I tell Josh this isn’t his fault? And God help me Leo, I don’t want to have to do it. I don’t want to, and I know it’s selfish, but--”
“Yeah,” Leo says, nodding his head. “I know.”
“I lost Joanie. I can’t even accept that yet. I can’t even… my little girl, Leo!” Leo’s hand rests on his arm, and he squeezes it when the words don’t come. “I don’t know how to deal with that… and at the same time, deal with--”
“I know,” Leo says, even though he doesn’t. He says it because what else can he. What else do you say to something like that, to something so God awful you can’t even fully wrap your head around the concept. “I’m so sorry, Noah.”
“I should be able to do this,” Noah says, his voice just above a whisper. “I should be able to convince him. I’m a lawyer for Christ’s sake. This is what I do. I convince people of things they don’t want to hear.”
Leo sighs and bends over the table, his elbows propped up on the table. “Noah… I honestly don’t have the words.”
Noah laughs then, and it’s a real laugh. It’s quieter, it’s softer, but it’s his. “I know, Leo. I’m sorry.”
“No,” Leo says, shaking his head. “Don’t apologize. God, Noah, you have nothing to apologize for.”
“I just…” Noah pauses, searching for words, his hand covering his mouth as he closes his eyes. “I needed to talk to someone that wouldn’t crack,” he said, smiling and opening his eyes. “You’re a rock, Leo. I need that right now.”
Leo smiles and reaches across the table, resting his hand on Noah’s. “Talk away, old friend.”
There’s a knock on the door and a tuff of brown poofy hair pokes through. “Dad?”
Noah’s smile widens and he beckons Josh in. “Come in, Josh.”
“Momma said to bring you this,” Josh says, timid, quiet. Incredibly not his usual loquacious self. He’s brought a plate with cheese, and bread, and crackers. “She said you might be hungry.”
“Thanks, pal,” Noah says, his voice soft as he smiles at his youngest, and now only, child. “I kind of think maybe I am.”
Josh smiles and puts the plate on the table between them. “She also said to tell you cease and desist.”
Noah laughs and looks at Leo. “Did she? And what did that mean?”
Josh shrugs. “I don’t know. She just told me to tell you that.”
Noah sets his glass down on the table and grabs Josh’s arm, pulling him closer to him. “Thanks for the snacks, pal,” he says, kissing his forehead and hugging him to him.
Josh pulls away from Noah, looking shyly at Leo. “Hi, Mr. McGarry.”
“Hey, kiddo,” Leo says, trying on his best smile, reaching out and fluffing Josh’s hair. “How you doing?”
Josh shrugs and starts to back out the room. “I’m gonna go read, okay Dad?”
“Sure,” Noah says, smiling again. “Go to it.”
When Josh is out of the room, Leo watches Noah trying to regain his composure, fighting off yet another fresh bout of tears. “Cease and desist, huh,” he says, smiling at him, trying to give him a way out. “What do you think she meant by that?”
Noah laughs and leans back in his chair. “I’m pretty sure she meant stop drinking,” he said, his smile widening. “And how evil of her to use my son to do it.”
Leo laughs. “She’s a sneaky lady, Noah. Knows how to lay on the guilt.”
Noah sighs, planting his hands on the armrests of his chair. “Well. I guess I’ll go join the land of the living again,” he says, laughing as he pushes himself up.
Leo watches him stand, chewing on his bottom lip. “Hey Noah? You want my advice?”
Noah looks at him and nods. “Please,” he says, relief in his voice.
Leo smiles. “Just love him. Love him and never let him doubt it.”
Noah takes a deep breath, resting his hand on Leo’s shoulder, squeezing it. “Yeah. I guess that’s really all I can do, huh?”
Leo shrugs, looking up at him. “I don’t know. But it’s all I can think of.”
“You’re a good friend, Leo. Thanks.”
“Hey,” Leo says, shrugging and feeling uncomfortable. “Don’t mention it.”
“Have some of that cheese,” Noah says as he reaches the door. “It’s incredible.”
“Yeah,” Leo calls to him, watching him turn down the hall and go back to the kitchen, where Jenny and Adira were fussing over cookies and other womanly things. “I will.”