(no subject)
Okay, so I am out of antidepressants. I was going to get them refilled today, but I just haven't wanted to leave my apartment. But, because of that decision... I feel really horrid. Not that this surprises me, or anything... but I just really hate this feeling. I've come to realise just how much I really need these things.
But, because of this, I've realised just how pathetic I really am. I mean, I have never found myself attractive.... ever. And I never believe anyone who says that I am. To be honest... the antidepressants keep me out of my head. And I'm so extremely grateful for that. When I don't have them.. I go back to thinking that I will always be alone, and that no one will ever love me, or even want to be with me... even if I know that's not the case.
It's like - there's a whole other side of me that just screams to get out, and then once it does, there is no escaping it. Even when I do take the meds, I still hear the muffled screams of that other being inside of me. It haunts me every waking moment, and then comes back to rub it in my face in my dreams.
Every night, I have the same dream. And it always ends up with me standing alone, in a desert, staring into the clouds as rain cascades down my face. I can never escape these dreams, and it is really starting to take it's tole. I may be happy-go-lucky and optimistic on the outside, but it's only a mask. The mask hides what I'm really feeling... what I'm really thinking, and at night or when I haven't had my meds, that mask falls off and my real self comes through.
And it scares me. It scares me so much, that I just don't want to sleep anymore. Most days I just want to pump myself full of my meds and then curl up into a ball and hide away from the world - from reality.
Okay... shutting up now.
But, because of this, I've realised just how pathetic I really am. I mean, I have never found myself attractive.... ever. And I never believe anyone who says that I am. To be honest... the antidepressants keep me out of my head. And I'm so extremely grateful for that. When I don't have them.. I go back to thinking that I will always be alone, and that no one will ever love me, or even want to be with me... even if I know that's not the case.
It's like - there's a whole other side of me that just screams to get out, and then once it does, there is no escaping it. Even when I do take the meds, I still hear the muffled screams of that other being inside of me. It haunts me every waking moment, and then comes back to rub it in my face in my dreams.
Every night, I have the same dream. And it always ends up with me standing alone, in a desert, staring into the clouds as rain cascades down my face. I can never escape these dreams, and it is really starting to take it's tole. I may be happy-go-lucky and optimistic on the outside, but it's only a mask. The mask hides what I'm really feeling... what I'm really thinking, and at night or when I haven't had my meds, that mask falls off and my real self comes through.
And it scares me. It scares me so much, that I just don't want to sleep anymore. Most days I just want to pump myself full of my meds and then curl up into a ball and hide away from the world - from reality.
Okay... shutting up now.