Feeling a bit bruised
I just realized that I don't have an icon for how I'm feeling. I need to get an icon that expresses: feeling bruised and trying not to cry because god dammit, I will not cry because someone doesn't think that my strength of character and compassion would be good for counseling, but jesus fuck it hurts to hear that what you've been doing all your life is wrong despite all the people that COME TO ME WITH THEIR PROBLEMS.
I should explain.
I applied to enter the Counseling program for graduate school. The first time, I was rejected for my GPA and for some reason (they never said why) my group interview scores were low. Not to be deterred, I reapplied because I wanted to attend the #1 counseling program in the state of Texas. I was rejected again. Hurt, but not crushed like last time, I took some time to do some soul searching. I remembered one of my earliest childhood dreams: being a biologist. Long before I helped people with their problems, I was around animals. I started training my dog when I was 4 while being with my parents in K-9 Search and Rescue. When at my grandparents' farm, I'd find some frog that'd be my pet for the weekend and stay in my pocket as I explored the barn. I've helped my grandfather birth cows and dogs. My favorite places beyond my grandparents' farm were the Tulsa Zoo and a family friend's animal sanctuary. I remembered when some of the first Asian elephants were born to the Tulsa Zoo. But life happened and I thought my dream to be a biologist was gone. In the end, it wasn't. It'd been waiting, like a caterpillar in a cocoon waiting for spring. It's probably why I remember stuff about animals better than I ever did with what I learned getting my psych degree. D:
So I dusted myself off and did all the necessary paperwork to be a Biology major and get a second bachelors that I start in the fall. I felt better, like I was doing something that I'd actually be good at, even if I did have to take physics -- something I've been holding off since I took physics back in high school. I had completely forgotten about leaving a message with the head of the selection committee for the Counseling program until today when I got called. Once again, my GPA was low (not surprising since I can't miraculously raise it in 3 months) and in the group interview I had received low scores and comments saying "domineering" and "does not listen". Apparently my lowest scores were in "understanding others' viewpoints" and "respecting others' opinions". I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. My group interview had been full of women who couldn't make a damned decision and come to a group consensus. I mean, after watching the faculty facilitators check their watches and warn us about running out of time and still no one wanted to make a decision on a meaning for a picture I stepped in. I thought that I was being understanding making sure everyone -- not just the bible-thumping mothers -- had expressed their opinion and suggesting -- since no one else did -- meanings that these people said themselves. But in the end, everyone just wanted to dance around each other, too afraid to be firm to get anything done. We ran 15 minutes late because no one wanted to agree on anything, but just talk around it.
Then the woman (the committee head) says that what I did was admirable and appropriate and she was sad that my scores ended up that way. She then proceeds to tell me that my strength of character and my compassion and thoughtfulness of others should have been acknowledged, but since counselors are supposed to be followers, my strengths would be too much for a counseling career. That I should go into business. Which is funny, because when I started counseling and mentoring my peers, when I mentored younger students with learning disabilities, I was asked to do it because of my strength of character and compassion. She even had the gall to say that she would love to talk to me more. I very politely told her that she wouldn't hear from me until I took their Animal Assisted Therapy class and hung up. Then I sat there, trying not to cry which is why I have a headache from making sure I didn't.
I'm pretty sure counselors aren't supposed to be "followers". You know, that whole helping people with their problems thing and all? If we didn't need people to tell us our problems and help us fix them, there wouldn't be a career you could make of it. But fine. If that is the way that they want to run, I'm GLAD I didn't get accepted. Especially if they want people who dance around the issue, unable to get anything done. Fine, have fun.
But god, I wish it didn't hurt to hear all of that.
I should explain.
I applied to enter the Counseling program for graduate school. The first time, I was rejected for my GPA and for some reason (they never said why) my group interview scores were low. Not to be deterred, I reapplied because I wanted to attend the #1 counseling program in the state of Texas. I was rejected again. Hurt, but not crushed like last time, I took some time to do some soul searching. I remembered one of my earliest childhood dreams: being a biologist. Long before I helped people with their problems, I was around animals. I started training my dog when I was 4 while being with my parents in K-9 Search and Rescue. When at my grandparents' farm, I'd find some frog that'd be my pet for the weekend and stay in my pocket as I explored the barn. I've helped my grandfather birth cows and dogs. My favorite places beyond my grandparents' farm were the Tulsa Zoo and a family friend's animal sanctuary. I remembered when some of the first Asian elephants were born to the Tulsa Zoo. But life happened and I thought my dream to be a biologist was gone. In the end, it wasn't. It'd been waiting, like a caterpillar in a cocoon waiting for spring. It's probably why I remember stuff about animals better than I ever did with what I learned getting my psych degree. D:
So I dusted myself off and did all the necessary paperwork to be a Biology major and get a second bachelors that I start in the fall. I felt better, like I was doing something that I'd actually be good at, even if I did have to take physics -- something I've been holding off since I took physics back in high school. I had completely forgotten about leaving a message with the head of the selection committee for the Counseling program until today when I got called. Once again, my GPA was low (not surprising since I can't miraculously raise it in 3 months) and in the group interview I had received low scores and comments saying "domineering" and "does not listen". Apparently my lowest scores were in "understanding others' viewpoints" and "respecting others' opinions". I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. My group interview had been full of women who couldn't make a damned decision and come to a group consensus. I mean, after watching the faculty facilitators check their watches and warn us about running out of time and still no one wanted to make a decision on a meaning for a picture I stepped in. I thought that I was being understanding making sure everyone -- not just the bible-thumping mothers -- had expressed their opinion and suggesting -- since no one else did -- meanings that these people said themselves. But in the end, everyone just wanted to dance around each other, too afraid to be firm to get anything done. We ran 15 minutes late because no one wanted to agree on anything, but just talk around it.
Then the woman (the committee head) says that what I did was admirable and appropriate and she was sad that my scores ended up that way. She then proceeds to tell me that my strength of character and my compassion and thoughtfulness of others should have been acknowledged, but since counselors are supposed to be followers, my strengths would be too much for a counseling career. That I should go into business. Which is funny, because when I started counseling and mentoring my peers, when I mentored younger students with learning disabilities, I was asked to do it because of my strength of character and compassion. She even had the gall to say that she would love to talk to me more. I very politely told her that she wouldn't hear from me until I took their Animal Assisted Therapy class and hung up. Then I sat there, trying not to cry which is why I have a headache from making sure I didn't.
I'm pretty sure counselors aren't supposed to be "followers". You know, that whole helping people with their problems thing and all? If we didn't need people to tell us our problems and help us fix them, there wouldn't be a career you could make of it. But fine. If that is the way that they want to run, I'm GLAD I didn't get accepted. Especially if they want people who dance around the issue, unable to get anything done. Fine, have fun.
But god, I wish it didn't hurt to hear all of that.