Mulling sans the wine.....
This week has been sort of 'down' and I've been looking back at the year and its changes. I still seem to be in a sort of semi-limbo over pretty much everything. As I've mentioned before I'm between 'doors' - having had one close but not finding the next one opening up yet. I suspect this is actually somewhat normal after a major loss. Your world is turned upside down. I've had the great good fortune to have a safety net of friends who've kept me sane and been available whenever I needed them, without smothering me with attention. I shudder to think what it would be like without them.
I'm not going to bore you with a long list of have's and have-nots that figured in my year. There are a great number of things that one should very definitely do in anticipation of a major life alteration such as divorce, death or similar occurrences. I am so very glad that Himself and I did a fair bit of planning ahead but we should have done a bit more. Things that can make the survivors life a tad easier are both small and large things - wills, listing of beneficiaries on all the accounts, policies, retirement funds, titling of vehicles, any major property, that sort of thing. I wish we'd made prearrangements with the funeral home because they supply you with a mountain of ideas, advice and "Things you NEED to know". Wills are a must. No one knows how long they've got but we all tend to put it off, thinking "I have plenty of time". Don't do that. Have some fun - pre-write your own obituary! Creepy? not really. You get to tell the world what was important to you. Laws covering inheritance vary from state to state so what I went through may be more or less than what would have happened elsewhere. We managed to set things up so that there was virtually no 'estate' to contend with, thus minimizing the dreaded estate tax and probate process. Lots of things along those lines that we planned for went smoothly but could have been a five-star migraine if the homework wasn't done.
I think the more difficult aspect has been the transition from a couple to a single person. All of a sudden you have fewer errands to run, no one to run home to and tell the good news, or share a laugh with. Cooking for one sucks. No more channel surfing while you try to watch something your partner doesn't want to watch. Going out to eat alone sucks. Having the big bed all to yourself and still finding you sleep close to one edge. Why keep all those pillows on the bed? Decisions are yours and yours alone. All your friends are 'couples' and one wheel's missing, even though you're still part of the gang. Even the pets went through a massive restructuring of the pecking order. Some days you just don't .... anything, and for no good reason that's made itself known. You suddenly realize there are tools and machines that you have but don't know how to run or fix or what kind of fuel they take because ...you never had to do it. You wonder what might happen to your pets if they outlive you. You have to thin out your possessions because you really don't need those clothes your partner wore or the things they liked that you have no interest in. You send out cancellation notices for magazines and such and wonder why they continue to send you 'please come back' notices after you've explained on too many painful times that the subscriber has passed away. Anniversarys, birthdays and holidays are sort of awkward. Silly little things will often set off tears for no good reason or make you laugh.
So, life goes on, but the wheels are a bit wobbly sometimes and you wonder if you're going to make it. I'm sure the semi-limbo will resolve itself in the (hopefully) near future. As long as I keep just doing things beyond the house and my friends continue to put up with me I figure I have a good chance of doing fine. I think I had it pretty easy. I hope others will take the advice and make it easy on themselves as well. It isn't hard but it is very important.
No, really, I'm fine. This sort of thing - writing or de-cluttering or going through collections of old photos is therapeutic. Laugh, cry, tell stories, it all helps the healing. My Band-aids are growing smaller as time passes and the empty spots slowly, ever so slowly, try to close. Be good to yourselves - plan ahead!!
I'm not going to bore you with a long list of have's and have-nots that figured in my year. There are a great number of things that one should very definitely do in anticipation of a major life alteration such as divorce, death or similar occurrences. I am so very glad that Himself and I did a fair bit of planning ahead but we should have done a bit more. Things that can make the survivors life a tad easier are both small and large things - wills, listing of beneficiaries on all the accounts, policies, retirement funds, titling of vehicles, any major property, that sort of thing. I wish we'd made prearrangements with the funeral home because they supply you with a mountain of ideas, advice and "Things you NEED to know". Wills are a must. No one knows how long they've got but we all tend to put it off, thinking "I have plenty of time". Don't do that. Have some fun - pre-write your own obituary! Creepy? not really. You get to tell the world what was important to you. Laws covering inheritance vary from state to state so what I went through may be more or less than what would have happened elsewhere. We managed to set things up so that there was virtually no 'estate' to contend with, thus minimizing the dreaded estate tax and probate process. Lots of things along those lines that we planned for went smoothly but could have been a five-star migraine if the homework wasn't done.
I think the more difficult aspect has been the transition from a couple to a single person. All of a sudden you have fewer errands to run, no one to run home to and tell the good news, or share a laugh with. Cooking for one sucks. No more channel surfing while you try to watch something your partner doesn't want to watch. Going out to eat alone sucks. Having the big bed all to yourself and still finding you sleep close to one edge. Why keep all those pillows on the bed? Decisions are yours and yours alone. All your friends are 'couples' and one wheel's missing, even though you're still part of the gang. Even the pets went through a massive restructuring of the pecking order. Some days you just don't .... anything, and for no good reason that's made itself known. You suddenly realize there are tools and machines that you have but don't know how to run or fix or what kind of fuel they take because ...you never had to do it. You wonder what might happen to your pets if they outlive you. You have to thin out your possessions because you really don't need those clothes your partner wore or the things they liked that you have no interest in. You send out cancellation notices for magazines and such and wonder why they continue to send you 'please come back' notices after you've explained on too many painful times that the subscriber has passed away. Anniversarys, birthdays and holidays are sort of awkward. Silly little things will often set off tears for no good reason or make you laugh.
So, life goes on, but the wheels are a bit wobbly sometimes and you wonder if you're going to make it. I'm sure the semi-limbo will resolve itself in the (hopefully) near future. As long as I keep just doing things beyond the house and my friends continue to put up with me I figure I have a good chance of doing fine. I think I had it pretty easy. I hope others will take the advice and make it easy on themselves as well. It isn't hard but it is very important.
No, really, I'm fine. This sort of thing - writing or de-cluttering or going through collections of old photos is therapeutic. Laugh, cry, tell stories, it all helps the healing. My Band-aids are growing smaller as time passes and the empty spots slowly, ever so slowly, try to close. Be good to yourselves - plan ahead!!